


It's A Funny Old Game

by Caro_Evomad1



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Falling In Love, Family, Friendship, Homophobia, M/M, Physical Abuse, Scars, Self-Harm, Sense of Loss, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Team, True Love, Trust, Verbal Abuse, anti-social behaviour, mentions of assisted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-04-29 04:36:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 159,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5115947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caro_Evomad1/pseuds/Caro_Evomad1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a funny old game, life, love and football....<br/>A/U Robert returns to Emmerdale, an England international footballer, home from France to play in the Premiership. He's single and still has a reputation with the ladies. A game of spin the bottle and a dare from his sister changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Playing The Field

**Author's Note:**

> I've been away from England for quite a long time now and have completely lost touch with a lot of the celebs and hardly watch football anymore, so no characters are based on anyone in particular. Any similarities are accidental and there are characters and nationalities who represent obvious stereotypes...... someone has to be the bad guy.

Robert

Adam grins at me, "You've definitely livened up the teatime session, I'll say that for you Robert Sugden. You want another?"

"Yeah why not. I think I'm going to need it." Vic comes into the bar smiling at me, I can tell she's secretly really pleased I'm here, though she's trying not to let it show too much. I can't get over how she's grown up....., and married, who'd have thought it. Unlike me she's always been a home bird; I knew she'd most likely stay and settle down in Emmerdale.

I'd been prepared for all the comments and stares, it was inevitable coming back here after all these years. I look around the pub whilst Adam orders us another round. There's quite a few new faces in the village, all wanting a look and to hear the gossip no doubt. Adam puts his arm round Vic's shoulders as she joins us, "Hey Vic, I didn't know your brother would make such a stir other than the obvious of being famous and all that."

I shake my head in mock dismay at such a comment. Vic still has that ability to smile and frown at me all at the same time, her voice mildly scolding, "Hmmmh, that's really not a good thing."

Diane is smiling at me fondly, "As you see Adam, Robert here had a reputation even all those years ago."

Chas pipes up, glaring at me from where she is standing next to Diane. She still drinks her half of lager with a straw I see, "Yep, Robert's still some up himself footballer playing the field as much as when he left; nothing's changed."

I have to laugh, Chas is right on that score and Emmerdale's still full of people just like her, boring villagers with long memories. This was part of the reason I left, I wanted more than this. I'm so going to regret coming back, but after deciding to finish the last few years of my playing career in England, I had felt the pull of home. I don't know why really, I've been away a good ten years and have hardly given Emmerdale a thought in all that time; but recently it's been there, nagging at the back of my mind. It is somehow time to come home. "If I'd known I was going to get this much grief, I wouldn't have come back. It's nice to know village life hasn't changed over the years."

Diane puts her hand on mine, "Don't be like that Robert, it's nice to see you home. It's not surprising really, people all read the magazines and well, you did leave a certain impression with everyone from before you left." She's smiling at me and then gives Chas a mildly scolding look, who just pulls a face at her and goes to serve someone.

.

I jibe back, "Thanks very much Diane, you're supposed to be on my side. I don't see the problem. I'm not married, not cheating on anyone. I like to have a good time, there's nothing wrong with that is there?"

A familiar voice chips into the conversation, "Some role model for the younger generation, hardly setting the moral bar are you? Taking advantage of all those girls throwing themselves at you."

I look across to Nicola, "It's not just girls you know. You'd be surprised, I get all types and ages throwing themselves at me and if they're willing, who am I to deny them the pleasure." I pause, it's time to play, "Anyway you're one to talk, I seem to remember you playing the field back in the day." I can see her blush, regretting she had said something before she had thought about it. Vic's looking at me in despair and Adam's laughing as I continue, I'm in mischievous mood, "I mean there's a lot to be said for the more mature woman don't you think Nicola? Would you like to see how my skills have improved?"

Adam almost chokes on his drink as he looks at me and Vic just shakes her head, staring at me with her mouth open. Adam can't resist to ask, "What, you and Nicola had a thing?"

Chas is back next to Diane smirking at me, seeing Vic hadn't known this. There's no love lost with Chas, either with me or Nicola, "Did you not know Vic? Nicola here popped young teenage Rob's cherry." Nicola looks mortified.

I smile playfully at Chas and then to Vic, "It wasn't really a thing. I do seem to remember though, that she has this really cute....."

Nicola jumps in, her face bright red, "You continue Robert Sugden and the only thing you'll be dribbling is with a straw in your mouth in intensive care" I grin at her, it had been good with Nicola; she was just as feisty back then, it had been part of the lure.

Adam is now well and truly laughing at me as I wink back at him. "Is there anyone in the village under the age of fifty that you didn't sleep with back then?"

"Well there was Chas," I put on the innocent voice I do so well. It's time to get my own back, "It wasn't through the lack of her trying it on though, but it just didn't feel right, you know?" I can see Diane frowning, unimpressed with me but I don't care; Chas has to be able to take it as well as give it.

.

Adam continues, oblivious to the glare I am now getting from Chas. "Anyone take your fancy now then?" 

I look around the pub. He tips his head in the direction of a blonde lass, Carly I think she is called, she keeps staring over in my direction and I smile at her and turn back to him, "Well I'd give her a go, you know how it is." I finish the last of my pint, I've already had more than I should. "Anyway I'd best be off, I'll see you for dinner later. I need to go get my car sorted, it's making a funny noise. I take it there's still the garage in the village?"

Some young guy walks in from out the back of the pub and comes round to stand next to Adam. Vic looks at him, "Aaron'll fix your car for you won't you Aaron?" She looks at me and then back to him....., Aaron. "He's a mechanic."

Aaron pulls a face, "Vic, I've just got finished after a long day. I'm cold, I'm tired and I really need a pint."

Vic pulls the sweetest of faces, they clearly know each other well as she puts her arms on his shoulders, "Please......, pretty please? Just for me?" I watch him as he moves her off him and turns to his pint which Chas has just put in front of him.

I interrupt, "Look you don't have to. It's fine, I can get it sorted at a real garage." Chas is giving me the death stare and Vic smacks my arm. I turn to Aaron who is the only one who doesn't seem bothered that I had said this, "Sorry, that was rude of me. Really though it's fine."

He huffs, Vic is still clinging onto his arm with her pleading look. His eyes sparkle with amusement at her, "Oh god....... alright. Anything for some peace and quiet." He looks across at me, "Give me your key's, I'll drop it off later." I nearly say something, but I decide not to and hand him my keys. My fingers brush his hand slightly, but he doesn't react and I'm distracted by Vic saying something; then when I turn back, he's already gone. Interesting....., he's practically the only person in the pub that didn't give a reaction to who I am. Not everyone's a United fan, but as England Captain I tend to be forgiven for that; I suppose he might not be into football. I assume he knows who I am, because he didn't ask for where to bring the car back or for my name. Nice eyes though....., very nice eyes.

.

I'm putting my coat on when I hear another voice I haven't heard in a very long time, "Well well well, look what the cat's dragged in." I take the last drink of my pint before I turn round.

"Nice to see you too Katie, still keeping those claws nice and sharp I see."

"Now now Robert." I look across at Diane who is giving us both an admonishing look.

"Right I'm off." I turn back to Katie, "How would you and my dearest brother like to join us for dinner tonight at mine? Diane and Vic's are coming over. We could do the whole family bonding thing?" Her look gives me her response, "What no....? Oh well, maybe another time."

"Not in my lifetime."

"As you wish." I turn back to the others giving a quick smile, "See you around seven?" They nod and I leave to walk up-to Home Farm, my new home.

TBC


	2. Truth Or Dare?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A game of spin the bottle ignites a spark.

Robert

I've been in Home Farm a few days, not everything's sorted yet but the kitchen is pretty much as I want it. It's where I spend most of my time anyway and there's a nice big high table to eat at that connects to the work counter; perfect for cooking and entertaining all at the same time, which I like. I never thought that one day I'd be back here in Emmerdale, never mind living at the big house. Some things do change.

The meal has been really nice; just Diane and her bloke Doug, with Vic and Adam. I cooked, Vic can't believe that I can actually cook. I live on my own, so of course I can cook; I actually find it relaxing. People always seem to think just because I earn all that money that I must eat out or order in all the time. We've been catching up on things, Diane and Vic are both being nosy about my love life and Vic is prodding, not so subtly, "So didn't your French girlfriend fancy a move to Yorkshire then? Some model or other wasn't she?"

"We broke up, it wasn't anything serious."

Diane studies me. She's of the camp that two weeks is a fling and at two years you should be practically married, "You were together all that time weren't you, it must have been something?"

I shrug as the door bell goes. When I go to answer it's Aaron and I invite him in. It's pouring down with rain and he's all wet just from walking to the door from the car. He follows me into the kitchen, nods a hello to the others and then turns back to me, "Car's sorted, it should be fine now." He hands me the keys. "You can call round to the garage during the week, I'll sort your invoice out on Monday."

I nod, "Thanks. You want a drink?" He looks unsure, glancing over at the others, I smile at him, "It's the least I can offer after my sister's sweet-talking earlier." I see Adam and him exchange glances, which seems to make his mind up.

"Why not, a beer would be good thanks." I smile at him again, so predictably he's a beer man then. "Give me your coat, it's throwing it down out."

.

I put a beer in front of him and watch him settle down next to Adam; they start talking about something whilst Diane and Vic re-start their inquisition. Diane is first with resuming the offensive, "So nothing serious then, not planning to settle down soon?"

I shake my head, almost sorry about bursting her bubble of any wedding in the foreseeable future, "Nope."

I have to smirk at Vic, "She's a bit thin for my liking, I mean there's nothing to hold onto is there?" She see's my look, "Sorry, but you know what I mean." If only she knew. Isabelle was and remains one of my best friends; she knows me as well as anyone. We had a public relationship and a private friendship; it worked for both of us but we were never together. It had just made life easier, everyone thinking we were a couple; we had played it to perfection.

I give in otherwise they will just keep bugging me as I go sit back down next to Diane. I glance at Aaron who is opposite me, "We were together a couple of years, but we were never in it for the long haul; it suited both of us."

Vic starts telling me off, "You kept cheating on her all the time according to the gossip mags, I'm not surprised."

I answer honestly, "That's the good about being in France, it's much more accepted that men cheat or have mistresses, well at least if you're in the public eye. Unlike the English who are a lot more clingy and have their expectations. It's easier there."

Diane is shaking her head at me. Vic looks at Aaron, "You were in France, is it the done thing?"

Aaron looks uncomfortable, taking a drink of his beer, he shrugs, "I wouldn't know, I didn't have a French girlfriend."

Vic pushes him for a little more, "No....., but did you have a French boyfriend?"

Aaron looks embarrassed and doesn't answer, he's blushing whilst fiddling with his beer bottle. I register the fact that this means Aaron's gay which, although I pride myself on having a really good radar for these things, I would never have guessed with Aaron. Vic looks at him with her new found knowledge. Aaron's expression had betrayed him and Vic latches onto it immediately, "Oh my god, you did didn't you? Tell me more, why do you never tell us this stuff?"

Vic turns to me and explains, "He went with the boyfriend to France but they broke up, Aaron never talks about France much."

He looks at her, shaking his head but there's a hint of a smile, "That's because it's none of your business. What went on in France, stays in France."

I get up to go get another bottle of wine, "Exactly, a man after my own heart." At this he looks at me and our eyes lock, just a little bit longer than they should. I have a feeling this is going to get interesting.

.

Doug and Diane leave later in the evening and we are slowly becoming drunk as we work our way though more bottles of beer and wine. Vic had started a game of spin the bottle. Clearly a blatent attempt at getting more out of me and Aaron. So far it's been quite tame, but the alcohol is kicking in a lot more now. It's Adam's turn to ask Aaron, "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

Adam was embarrassed by the last question from Aaron and I can see him thinking of how to get his own back. Aaron's grinning at him, "Bring it on, farm boy."

Adam smiles back at him. Watching them together, I can tell they are very close friends, "Farm boy? Right then, let's see what I don't know about you." He takes a drink of his beer, "Okay... who was your first?" Aaron has to put his bottle down after almost choking on his beer at this and darts a glance at Vic.

Adam and me are too slow to catch on when he still doesn't answer. Vic speaks up, "I'm not embarrassed. It was a one-time thing."

Aaron looks bashful, "It was Vic, my first time was with Vic."

Adam looks a little shocked, "I didn't know that." As for me, well the plot that is Aaron, it just thickens.

Vic shrugs, "There's no reason you should. It was a long time ago, we were kids."

I look at him curiously, "I thought you were gay or are you bi?"

He shrugs, "I'm gay, I just didn't want to admit it back then. You got a problem with that?"

I can't help smiling at him and then at Vic, shaking my head. I'm the last person who can judge, even if it is my little sister, "Nope, no problem. I think my sister can more than take care of herself." I throw the challenge back to him, "Spin the bottle Aaron."

.

The game continues, the dares and the questions getting more funny as we get more drunk. The bottle lands on me and my sister is grinning at me challenging, "Truth or dare Robert?"

"Dare."

She smiles, pleased with herself, "Kiss Aaron...... " grinning at me mischievously she adds, "with tongue." Adam falls about laughing, amused at the shocked look on my face. Aaron looks less amused; he doesn't say anything, waiting for my response.

After recovering, I grin back at Vic, "What, you think I won't?"

She's definitely enjoying this, "You ever kissed a guy before?"

I shake my head, a sloppy drunken grin on my face, "No."

"Well then, kiss Aaron."

I'm laughing at her, "You don't think I'll do it, do you?"

She shakes her head, grinning at me, "Nope."

My eyes are locked with Vics, the challenge is set; she's clearly forgotten I don't like to lose, "How little you know me."

At this Aaron decides it's time to say something, looking uneasy, "Don't I get a say in this?"

Both me and Vic give a unanimous and emphatic answer, "No," at which Aaron looks slightly taken aback. So he should be, he's up against the Sugdens now. Vic's face is confident, she's relying on the stereotype, but I'm far from the stereotype she reads about in the mags.

I get up and walk round to where he is sitting. My sister is not going to get the better of me on this, Aaron will just have to deal. We are all so drunk, we probably won't remember it in the morning anyway. He is more standing than sitting now, perched on the edge of the high chair. He's suddenly gone all shy, but he doesn't move away from me as I put my hand up-to his cheek. I take my time as I move my face closer to him. I can smell him, it's intoxicating; he's intoxicating. I can't get over how blue his eyes are, dancing with nervous anticipation. I know he suddenly feels it too as I kiss him, my hand still on his cheek and the other moving up his arm to his neck. It's an open mouth kiss to start, but when I push my tongue in, his body reacts and I feel his hands around my waist pulling me into him. With both our eyes closed, the kiss deepens as we taste each other. I don't think either of us hear the cries of laughter from Adam or Vic, amazed that I'm kissing him like that in front of them, nor do I think either of us want it to stop. Our eyes never leave each other as I pull away. I'm smiling to myself as I return to my seat; Aaron for his part looks very embarrassed. Neither Vic nor Adam seem to notice the look between us.

.

The game continues until we eventually stop, our drunken tiredness winning out. Adam and Vic go up into one of the guest rooms, leaving me alone with Aaron who has his head resting on the table. "I'm so going to have a hangover." He pulls his head up suddenly, "I should go home."

I stand leaning against the doorframe watching him a little coyly, "You can stay if you want, there's plenty of room."

He stands up, "No, I have an early start in the morning; I need to go home." He picks his coat up off the side.

I can't help feeling disappointed, "Okay. You want me to call a taxi?"

He looks across at me and hesitates, "No. It's stopped raining, the fresh air will be good, help clear my head." He stares at me, our eyes are locked. We both sense it; everything....., everything has changed. He comes towards me and we go together to the main door, which I open for him. We're close to each other but neither of us say anything. I can't help myself, I put my hand over his which is hanging down by his side; we stand quietly looking into each other's eyes. Our faces are so close, it wouldn't take hardly anything for us to kiss, but neither of us makes the move. Aaron eventually says, "Night Robert," and I watch him leave. I close the door behind him and close my eyes saying quietly to myself, "Night Aaron."

TBC


	3. So You Think Something Happened?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert starts to break through Aaron's defence.

Aaron

“Thanks Chas.” Adam slides in to stand next to me at the bar, taking a first drink of his pint. “I hate Mondays, seems like forever ‘til the weekend.”

I pull a face at him, “What you on about? You work on a farm, you don’t get weekends off.”

“Psychological innit.”

“If you say so.”

“I’m skint and bored. I was thinking what we could do if we had our own business....., us together?”

I look at him intrigued, “And do what?”

“Dunno, just want something more you know? I want Vic to have everything she wants and that’s not going to happen with me working on the farm for the next god knows how many years. I got chatting to this guy the other day, he got me thinking that’s all.”

“Even if we thought of something, where would we get the money from to set up with? No bank's going to lend us owt with our records.”

“Mum could buy me out of my share of the farm and I’m sure Chas has something tucked away that you could borrow; you’d pay her back.”

“Maybe. It’d be good to be our own bosses, no-one telling us what to do the whole time.” I see Robert come in, “Come on let’s go sit down out the way.” We nod hello, grinning to each other as we pass him. Neither of us want to be landed with having to talk to him, even if he is Vic’s brother.

Adam continues to smirk as we sit at the back table, tipping his head in Robert’s direction whose now chatting away to Diane, “What do you think to Vic’s brother then?”

“Seems alright, a bit up himself.”

I ignore Adam’s amused look, “So is he a good kisser?”

I can feel myself blushing and take a drink of my pint as a distraction, “The only thing I remember from the other night Adam is the hangover.”

“Yeah right....., if you say so. Press’d have a field day if they knew. I can just see the headlines now.”

I look at Adam, a little alarmed at this, “Don’t you even think about it Adam Barton.”

“As if I would. He doesn’t seem the type anyway.”

I can feel Robert’s constant glances in my direction, they're more than just a passing look. Thankfully, Adam as usual, is more interested in winding me up than paying attention to Robert. “Exactly, so moving on swiftly.....,” and on that note, I switch seats so I have my back to Robert, refocusing Adam on potential business options.

.

“See this place hasn’t changed much.” I recognise the voice and deliberately take my time before looking up from under the bonnet of the car I’m working on. Robert is stood there with a drink, apparently for me. “I brought you a coffee.” I ignore his outstretched hand.

“Mmhh, I’m more of a tea drinker.”

“Ah, oh well; I’ll remember for next time.” I don’t say anything, but I’m not sure why he thinks there would ever be a next time. I go grab his invoice off the counter. When I turn round I almost walk into him, not realising that he’s followed me. I frown and push by, handing him the invoice as I pass. He’s a little too close for comfort and I don’t like how he’s smiling at me in that way, “It should be all in order.”

“I don’t doubt.” I go back to working on the car, but he seems oblivious to the fact I’m not really in the mood for a chat and continues, “I was wondering if you fancied going for a drink sometime?”

“No thanks.” I can feel him watching me and I glance over at him. He’s leaning against the desk, sat there with such a smug air of confidence about him that he’s beginning to wind me up. I get the impression that Robert Sugden doesn’t get turned down too often. I dig around in the tool box for what I need and then look at him properly, “Look Robert, I don’t know what you think happened between us the other night, but just so we’re clear, nothing’s going to happen.”

Robert’s smile broadens, which just winds me up further. He stands up and walks towards the garage door where he stops and looks at me, “So you think something happened? Mmhh....., interesting.” He’s gone, out of sight before I can think of a retort.

I drop the wrench back down in the tool box, irritated. I grab the coffee which he’d left on the side, “Urrgh,” it needs some sugar in it. I prefer tea, but that doesn’t mean I don’t drink coffee; Robert doesn't need to know that though and I smile to myself as I spoon in some sugar.

.

Later in the week, I get back to the garage after being on a call out to find the place deserted; god knows where everyone is. Not long after Robert appears, that same smug look on his face.

“You again, you’re like a bad penny.” I go round the back of the counter to get the job list, partly to put some distance between us and partly because I’m not sure anymore which car needs the mot and which the service. Robert being here is distracting.

He puts a drink on the counter and stops me by the counter hatch, “I got you tea this time, Bob said you take 3 sugars. I hope it tastes alright.”

“Mmhh.” I’m concentrating on the job list in my hand, so when he comes in for the kiss it takes me completely by surprise. I push him away annoyed, “What do you think you’re doing?”

He grins at me, “Wanted to see if you are as good as I remembered.” I huff and ignore him, but he’s already walking away, the smirk on his face pissing me off even more. I wipe my mouth to try get rid of his taste, but I can’t; nor can I seem to help feeling turned on. Robert Sugden is beginning to get under my skin. I pretend to be looking for something in the filing cabinet until I think he’s gone, when I turn to watch him. Unfortunately he spins around, walking backwards a little way and catches me staring. He beams back a smile, before turning again and walking off up the road. Annoyed with myself I call him a ‘prick’ under my breath.

Adam pulling up on the quad, thankfully, grabs my attention, “What did he want?”

“Nothing. What’s up?”

“Was wondering if you want to come round for tea later, reckon I might have found us a business.”

Cain gets back, his usual grumpy self as I answer, “Okay, I’ll see you later at yours, alright?”

Adam takes the hint, smiling at me, “Sound.”

.

Adam’s idea actually turns out to be quite a good one. They’ve been trying to get some stuff scrapped at the farm for ages but the nearest dealer is miles away and never turns up when he says he will. In the end they sorted this last lot out themselves. “So, what do you think then?”

I think it’s a good idea, “It can’t be that hard.”

“Exactly, we need to check it out though, permits and stuff. Biggest problem will be finding some space I reckon. Mum won’t let us at the farm, I asked already.”

“We might be able to use the land at the back of Uncle Zak’s. I’ll see him in the morning, see what he says. Then we need to work out how much money we're going to need and do a proper business plan. Mum will want to see we’re serious if she’s going to lend me some to get us started.” The more I think about running our own business, the more I like it.

“Perfect, might as well get started now if you've got nothing better to do,” which I havent. After a few hours we have a pretty good base plan drafted. Adam looks happy and we sit back with our beers; I smile at him, it would be a good new start for both of us.

‘Hey.” We both look up smiling as Vic comes back in from work, but mine quickly fades seeing Robert behind her. It’s like he’s always there, wherever I am. He’s completely getting on my nerves.

Adam’s all excited and tells Vic our plan, Robert listening in. He’s looking at me smiling, “If you get together a sound business plan, I can get my accountant to look it over. You never know if it’s good, I can give you some money to help with the start up.” His gaze shifts to Adam and Vic, “Call it a late wedding gift.” I don’t say anything and do my best to hide my annoyance, both Vic and Adam are clearly stoked at his offer.

Definitely time for me to go home, “Right then I’d best be off.” I take my pots into the kitchen. I know he’s there; I’m beginning to get a sixth sense when’s he’s around me. “What do you think you’re playing at?”

“Don’t know what you mean.”

“You can’t buy me....., or Adam.”

He actually sounds irritated with me, “I’m not. I’m helping my sister and her new husband to start out in life; I can afford it. Plus it looks good supporting the local community, it’s good PR. Don’t be so paranoid Aaron, not everything’s about you.” I regret having said anything and he grabs my arm before I go back into the living room. “I don’t know what your problem is, or maybe it’s because you’re trying so hard not to like me, but don't ruin their happiness because you’re playing hard to get.”

I can’t quite work his expression out, it’s not his usual smug look. He looks tired, but him simply being nearby riles me up. “Don’t flatter yourself. I just don’t like people throwing their money about like they own the place.” I feel a rush of excitement as our bodies touch when I push past him. After saying goodbye to Adam and Vic, I leave, slamming the door behind me, a little harder than I intended.

.

We spend the next few weeks sorting everything, meetings with the council, getting a portacabin and office all set up. Robert had been true to his word, his accountant met with us and he gave Vic and Adam fifty percent of what we needed, then we stumped up the rest. Adam insisted the ownership is split fifty-fifty between us despite all my protesting. Everything’s gone really well and Robert’s hardly been around between training and away games, so I‘ve been able to go about the village without trying to avoid him; until tonight that is.

We’ve arranged a bit of a do at the pub; I've stopped working at the garage and Adam at the farm today, so from tomorrow we’ll be full-time at ‘Holey Scrap’. It feels really good, finally getting some independence away from family and I reckon me and Adam will have a laugh working together.

Vic insisted on doing a buffet and between the families we always were a rowdy lot. I catch mum beaming at me, she looks fit to burst with pride, Paddy too.... or maybe it’s just the amount of beer he’s drunk. He’s beginning to sway and slur his words a bit, making me laugh.

.

Diane is pulling me a pint when I hear him, “I’ll get that Diane, just an orange juice for me though please.”

I look at him and decide to play nice for once, “Thanks.”

Vic comes over, draping her arms over Robert’s shoulder, “Hey you, glad you could make it.”

“I promised I would.” He looks at me, “Vic tells me you’re all set for tomorrow.“

Adam beats me to a response, he’s definitely a little the worse for wear as he wraps his arm round my shoulders. I have a feeling it will be a slow first day tomorrow at this rate, “It’s all good. Aaron charmed the council, I thought at one point we were never going to get all the approvals, right Aaron? He’s turned into a proper smooth talker.”

I’m feeling a little embarrassed, conscious that Robert’s smiling at me; his eyes are giving me the once over, which just makes me get all hot under the collar.

I’m shaking my head, “No I didn’t. Just ignore him, he’s exaggerating. Adam’s the one whose got the first jobs lined up for us.”

“Oh I don’t know, sounds like you make a good team,” I feel Robert’s eyes boring into mine. Even if I am super sensitive to everything he says and does, I can’t believe no-one picks up on the tension between us.

I get my dig in, “Unlike your lot, you got hammered I see.”

Robert isn’t the least bit fazed, “One off, we'll beat the crap out of City next week.”

Adam finds this amusing, “Don’t say that to him, he’ll get all pouty. Aaron’s a City fan aren’t you soft lad? I keep telling him, they’ve got no chance but does he listen?”

“Ger'off you,” I push Adam off me, teasing him, “at least I don’t change who I support every other week to whoever's on form.”

“He’s got the hots for their new striker.”

Robert raises his eyebrows at me, “Wouldn’t have him down as your type?”

I scoff at him, “How would you know my type? You don’t know anything about me.”

.

I go for a slash before I get myself into an argument with him. It won’t take Vic long to work out I’ve actually got a thing for her brother; if she catches on, then I’ll never hear the end of it. Even if there is something there, nothing's ever going to come of it; he’s just playing with me, out for some quick fun. He’s the England captain, there’s no chance he’d ever be seen in public with a guy and I have no intention of being anyone’s secret.

The beer must be dulling my senses, I didn’t know he was there until, whilst drying my hands, I feel him behind me. He has me pinned up against the wall, holding my hands fast either side up above my head, kissing into my neck. He sucks down gently and I let out a gasp, my head rolling back against him as his mouth moves to my ear. I can feel his warm breath, “You can run Aaron, but you can’t hide.” He walks out as quickly as he had walked in without waiting for a response or reaction from me. I rest my head forward against the wall, hardly moving; my breathing has quickened. Fuck, he felt so good. I’m not sure how long I can hold out for if he keeps this up. Deep down I know it’s not a case of if, but when I’ll give in.

TBC


	4. A Helping Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron gives Robert a helping hand, in more ways than one!

Aaron

I’m muttering under my breath to myself, my impatience getting the better of me, “I’m supposed to be in the business of scrapping not arsing around with sporting antiques.” Why am I the one who gets dumped on to give a helping hand and then ends up regretting it. I never learn, why do I never learn and instead just say no? Adam owes me a damn sight more than a pint after today’s palaver. I’m leaning against the wall, tapping my foot waiting for his lordship to decide if he’s finally happy, “Why didn’t you just get it delivered like everyone else? It’s not like you can’t afford it.”

Robert glares at me, “Adam offered. I didn’t think it would be such a big deal, but then I didn’t know I’d have to put up with you. You always have to make a drama out of everything Aaron.”

“Whatever. Can you just decide where you want it once and for all, so we can get finished and I can go home? Some of us have got lives to go to.”

“What, a pint and a packet of pork scratchings in the Woolpack?” I ignore him and continue tapping my foot. We’ve been bickering like this all afternoon, to the point that neither of us are bothering to hide our irritation with each other anymore, “Sometimes Aaron, you have to stop and appreciate the special things in life. Perfection takes time.”

“It’s just a billiard table.”

Robert runs his hands along the wood, “It’s beautiful don’t you think? It belonged to one of the greatest billiards players who ever lived. Special things happened on this table, historical moments in time Aaron.” He looks at me, shaking his head at my ignorance and disinterest.

“Fantastic, are we done yet?”

“You want to learn how to play?”

“No I don’t want to learn how to play. I mean who plays billiards any more?”

“I do.”

“I always knew you were weird.”

“You can play snooker on it as well you know.”

“Oh great. Once more with feeling, are we done now?”

“Yes Aaron we're done. Let me go get what I owe you. Next time, tell Adam if he can’t make it, he should just let me know and I’ll sort it myself. The experience of spending the afternoon with you is not one I wish to repeat.”

.

He goes out and now he’s not there, I can’t resist picking up the cue and having a go. I’ve never played snooker, never mind billiards. I haven’t even played pool hardly, except the odd night when I’ve been out on the town drinking, never seriously. I’m not paying attention to how long Robert's gone, but when I finally look up from my playing around, I realise he’s watching me; no idea how long he’s been stood there.

Having been caught enjoying myself, I just stand there like an idiot. He comes over and starts putting balls into the triangle. “Put the white ball behind that line,” he throws the chalk at me, “Your cue needs chalk.” Despite myself and my head screaming at me to leave, I start to chalk the cue. He sets the table up. “You ever played snooker before?” He looks up to see me shaking my head. “You break, just like you do in pool.” He watches me, my break scattering the balls across the table, “I’ll explain as we go.”

Obviously I lost, but Robert was surprisingly patient teaching me the rules and how to stand and hold the cue to get a better shot. I actually did better than I expected and have found myself relaxing. There’s a bar in the corner of the games room, I’m setting up for a second game whilst Robert gets us our third beer.

.

He breaks this time. I’m sitting on a bar stool, studying him as he decides on his next shot. Robert Sugden is very competitive; he only plays to win, but I knew as much from that first night. He has this air about him, permanently challenging; I don’t think he's even aware that he's like this, it’s just a part of who he is. He definitely has the looks and body to go with it, it’s not surprising he has so many people chasing after him, never mind that he's also a superstar footballer.

It’s my shot, Robert is trying to explain to me how to take it with a better angle, but I’m not quite getting what he means. Giving up trying to explain, he comes and stands behind me; he’s quite a bit taller than I am. Robert wraps himself around me and pushes me into the position he was trying to explain to me. He guides me, his hand over mine on the cue and silently we take the shot together. After potting the ball, he doesn’t move away; we’re breathing more heavily, both very aware of our physical closeness. I turn round to face him and we kiss; we had both leaned in, it was as much me as him. I pull out first though and try to push him away, but he doesn’t let me. “You’ve been wanting me to do that all afternoon. Admit it Aaron, you want me. You want me as much as I want you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I half heartedly try again to push him away, but he stands firm, pinning me against the edge of the table.

His hands wrap around my waist and he talks quietly into my ear, I feel my resolve disappearing with the warm tingling of his breath, “Stop fighting it Aaron.”

.

I push him back, but this time I take control, spinning us both round so now it is me pinning Robert back against the table, our breathing increasingly heavy with anticipation and desire. Our faces are almost touching, our mouths so close but not quite closing the gap. I push against him with my body, whilst at the same time running my hand up against his thigh; Robert moans and closes his eyes. I hear the seduction in my own voice, “So you want me then?”

Robert's breathing becomes tighter as my hand caresses his inner thigh, I don’t go as far as his crotch. I don’t need to, I know he’s hard. “Yes I want you. You know I want you.”

I apply more pressure with my hand and he opens his eyes; I can feel his every breath, “And what happens when you’ve had me, mmhh, just a one night stand like all the others you use, just a quick fling?” Now I move my hand to his crotch, his body is moving against my hand as I stroke his length through his jeans.

His eyes don’t leave mine, they're filled with a needy desire, “It’s not like that with you. I like you a lot Aaron, I can’t stop thinking about you and believe me I’ve tried.” 

He tries to touch me, but I bat his hand away, "No." I unbutton his jeans and my hand starts stroking him through the cotton of his shorts, his hands grip tight onto the wooden edge of the table as he tries to channel his arousal. I tighten my grip around his shaft as I continue jerking, alternating the speed of my hand; speeding up, then slowing down. “Thought you had a girlfriend?”

“I do, a new one every week,” my hand moves inside his shorts and he begins to pant, “but I don’t think I’ll find a new one of you every week.” Our eyes have remained intensely locked, Robert’s struggling to keep some kind of control, but he’s fighting a losing battle as I add in a twisting motion.

I take my time bringing him to where I want him and then continue with my questions, “I won’t be just another notch on Robert Sugden's bedpost.” I know he’s getting close. “Why me? You can have anyone you want, male or female, so why me?”

He now rests his head down on my shoulder, his entire body is writhing to the motion of my hand, “I have no idea, but I can’t get you out of my head. When you walk into the room......” I switch my hand action again, “God Aaron, don’t stop, please don’t stop.”

He’s so close, I can feel it. His need for me is an unbelievable turn on, I’ve never felt this kind of intensity in someone like this before, “Beg me. Beg me to make you come Robert.”

He’s lost all control now, his hands are clinging onto me, his head resting into my neck. He can hardly talk, he’s practically whimpering with the need to come. “Please Aaron, make me come, oh god yes, just like that.” I take him to the edge and then pull him back, repeating it a few times, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, how do you do that? I was coming, I was so close. I need to come Aaron, I’ve never wanted anyone like this before, no-one. Please make me come, I want you, just you; not just tonight but more, I want much more.” I move my free hand that had been resting on his lower back, onto his head, holding it fast into me; I want to feel as much of him as I can. I finally push him over the edge and his whole body strains, completely still an instant. Every muscle in him has tightened with the sensation until the orgasm hits its peak, then comes the release. I can feel his mouth on my neck, not quite biting, but muffling his voice as his entire body shudders and jerks against me. My hand doesn’t stop until I’m sure I’ve milked every last drop from him.

.

I hold him until he comes down from the high, he occasionally kisses my neck and I kiss his head as he recovers; only then for the first time since my hand had started to play do we kiss properly. The kiss is tender at first but deepens into something more, it’s laced with emotions we’re not quite sure what to do with. We eventually pull out, our foreheads resting together.

“What now?”

I look at the clock on the wall, “It’s late, I should go home.”

Robert wraps his arms around me, “Stay. I want to be with you, I want to wake up with you.“

I kiss his forehead and shake my head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Robert looks at me, he has a look I don’t quite know to make out, almost scared, “Do you regret...., do you regret what we just did?”

I have lots of emotions at the moment, regret’s not one of them, but I don’t know how I feel, “No, no I don’t regret it.” I feel him relax a little, “I meant what I said though, I’ll not be used and then dropped in a weeks' time.”

“You won’t be. I’ve never felt like this before Aaron. I’ve never let anyone take control like that before.”

I smile at him, “It’s not that simple though is it? You, your life, the world you live in. It took me a long time to be comfortable with who I am; I won’t hide, not for you or anyone.”

“Aaron, I know who I am, but there’s a lot we don’t know about each other. I want to enjoy getting to know you properly with no pressure and I don’t just mean from my world, but yours too. Let’s just see how it goes, give ourselves a chance, then we can decide.”

“Maybe. I need some time to think.” I kiss him, but he looks uncharacteristically unsure in himself. I pull away from him properly, “I’ll call you okay?”

He laughs nervously, “You’re not just saying that are you? That’s what I usually say but I never call.”

Why am I not surprised at that. “Like you said, there’s a lot we don’t know about each other.” I grab my coat off the side and we go to the door. Our eyes lock before I open the door, Robert holds my hand. I give him a smile and squeeze his hand, “Night Robert.” I go out into the cool night air and get into the van we’d borrowed from Jimmy; I don’t look back as I drive away. I don’t think I’m going to sleep much tonight, there's too much going on in my head....., and my heart.

TBC


	5. Game On!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron challenges Robert to a re-match of United v City, with a few new rules thrown in.

Aaron

I’ve not actively been avoiding Robert this last week, but I haven’t gone out of my way to see him either; as far as I know he’s not been in the village since anyway. Half of me is disappointed he’s not chasing me, but then the other half is relieved. I need time to decide what I want, but every which way I go over it all in my head, I just seem to end up back where I started; that I know I want him. I’ve wanted him since that first night at Home Farm, but opening myself up to someone like Robert carries a whole world of risk on every level.

Even now, sat watching the United v City game with Adam having a few cans, I can’t stop thinking about what to do, except now I’ve got the added benefit of ogling him on the telly as I consider my options. My eyes have been pretty much fixed on Robert whenever he’s on the screen.

I’ve never really followed his career, but this last week I’ve read every article I could find. There are two consistencies; he’s an amazing footballer on the pitch and a playboy off it, who probably hasn’t been faithful a day in his life. I’m surprised, that as both United and England captain he isn’t made to be more responsible. I suppose because he’s never let it affect his game, he gets away with it. Bookies would put odds on him breaking my heart within a week.

Then there’s the whole gay or bi thing. No big name footballer has come out in Europe, not whilst playing anyway and there isn’t a much bigger name than Robert Sugden. He’s 29, but he’s fit enough to keep playing for a good few years yet. I’m not sure I could hide a relationship for that long, I don’t even know if coming out as either is even an option he’d consider.

On top of all this, there is the Robert Sugden I’m getting to know. I believe him when he says he wants more with me, or does this just make me as gullible as every other person he’s been with? I know he likes a challenge, maybe that’s all I am. I’m curious if he’s been with other guys.

.

One thing's for sure, he’s had an effect on me like no-one I’ve ever met before. I’ve always been confident in bed, even when I was younger; once I start, my natural instincts take over. His chasing was a turn on and finally giving in to him brought out a side of me I know is there, but I usually hold it back; I just couldn’t help myself with Robert. I wanted to challenge his dominance, not just sexually, but him and I enjoyed it.

I smile at Adam getting excited whenever there’s a chance of United scoring. Adam is putting my unusual quietness down to the fact Robert was right, United are taking City to the cleaners. They are losing 4-0 with ten minutes to go; definitely not their best performance of the season. Robert is on fire, having just sealed his hat trick; City are going to lose.

I’ve been twiddling with my phone all match, the text written in my head. I can deny it all I like, but Robert was right about another thing, I can run, but I can’t hide. It all comes down to the simple reality that I want him. We live in the same village, I know now I’ve given in once, it’ll just keep on happening for as long as he chases. I send the text.

.

Robert

My best friend Tom is mid flow as we get changed after the game, debating on my behalf with some of the team which pretty lady I will be taking to bed tonight. This is what we do, Tom would never stray from his wife, but he loves to support my carefree lifestyle to the best of his ability.

We’ve known each other since we were teenagers, having lived in digs together at our first club. It was only whilst I was in France that we haven’t played for the same team. Tom playing for United, together with being driving distance to Emmerdale is the reason I signed with them. We’ve always been thick as thieves, both on and off the pitch. His wife Lucy, fortunately is relaxed and fun to be around, she has me sussed and we get on well. We’ve all known each other a long time and I trust them completely, they are the only others who knew about me and Isabelle just being good friends.

I look at my phone and see a text. It’s from Aaron and there's no way I can stop a huge grin from spreading across my face as I read it, “Well boys, it looks like the lovely Tamara is all yours, I can’t make it tonight.” I get the expected chorus of boos for bailing, someone else will have to be life and soul of the party tonight. Tom looks at me for an explanation, “Quality time back home with the family. I’m still making up for not being around the last ten years.”

“You do realise at some point Suggers you are going to have to introduce us.”

I grin at him, “I will. I just need to smooth the way a little, they’re a nosy lot. I have to make sure they know enough but not too much, otherwise they’ll have you running for the hills. Believe me they don’t take any prisoners in Emmerdale.” I put the last of my stuff in my bag, “Right, that’s me off. Have fun.” I text Aaron back as I walk out to the car, ‘Game on’.

.

I hear Aaron knock just after eight. I open up and let him in; he looks good, really good. I close the door and he leans back against it casually, his hands shoved in his pockets. I can’t resist a kiss, he smells good and tastes even better. “So....., you keep me on tenterhooks for a week and then this? Aaron Livesy, you are full of surprises.”

He has a hint of a smile, biting his bottom lip, “You said we need to get to know each other didn’t you?“ His eyes are seductively teasing over my body, I can already feel myself getting turned on and he’s hardly got through the door.

I rest my hand on the door above his head and lean in for another kiss; we let it linger this time. Aaron‘s eyes are full of mischief, it’s like he knows already, instinctively, just how to push all my buttons. “You going to invite me in then?” I nod and smirk at him, he follows as I turn and walk into the kitchen.

I get the take-away menu out from the drawer, “Thought we’d order in if that’s okay?”

“Fine by me.” Without asking him what he wants, I pour him a glass of wine, which he takes and has a drink. He smiles at me knowingly before wandering around the room a little, looking at some of the pictures on the wall. I’m shaking my head, quietly laughing to myself whilst I decide what I want to order. He comes over and takes a look at the menu. We are still smiling at each other like big kids, the tension between us tangible, “You can ply me with wine all night Sugden, you are still going to lose.”

I grin, raising my eyebrows, “We’ll see.”

.

By the time we’ve eaten, we’ve already polished off the first bottle of wine. I go get a second from the fridge, then grab Aaron by the hand, walking backwards a little at first so I can look at him, as we head into the games room. Down the far end is a big TV screen on the wall with everything imaginable connected to it. I find the games console and Aaron puts the game in. On his text earlier, Aaron had challenged me to a re-match of today’s game on the playstation, United vs City, but with a twist. The goal scorer receives sexual favours based on a list in order of the goals scored. Apparently, he thinks he’s going to beat me 4-0, retribution for the score earlier. His list of favours being: 1 = kiss; 2 = strip; 3 = suck; 4 = fuck.

I sit down on the floor and lean against the soft leather sofa next to him. He turns and looks at me, his eyes are reflecting in the light and I move to kiss him, but he gently pushes me back. “Ah ah, no no no; it’s playtime. So here are the rules. We play the match as normal, but when one of us scores a goal, the other puts out based on the list.” He is teasing, almost taunting me as he speaks, “First goal, kissing with tongue for one minute. Then the second goal I score, you are going to strip for me and play the rest of the game naked.“ I shake my head smiling at his confidence, because I know I’m also a pretty good player with a game console. He continues and I can feel my body stirring, “Third goal and you are going to suck for three minutes how and where I tell you. Fourth goal I score, it’s game over and I get to fuck you however and for as long as I want.”

I’m laughing at him now and lean over to re-fill his glass of wine and then do the same with mine. There’s no guarantee he’ll get four goals and I’m pretty sure I will score. I pass him his glass, our faces close, the sexual tension heavy in the air between us, “And remind me....., what happens each time I score?”

He is such a turn on, his eyes challenging me playfully, “Then you get me.”

TBC


	6. Bring It On!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron start to get to know one another a little better; let the best man win!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have no idea if this chapter works, it's a little bit different..... 
> 
> I was beginning to regret putting strip into the list of forfeits. At the time I hadn’t thought about the fact that I then I had to write it. It is impossible to translate into words what goes on in my head so for the parts where they get naked, you can either just read, or listen and read. If you don't like my choice of music, then pick another track and have your own fun with it. I wanted this track for Robert from the beginning; I know it’s a bit odd maybe, but I love the words and I just picture a halfway drunk Robert playing and having fun doing it. Picking a track for Aaron on the other hand was a nightmare, but I'm in love with this for him; it's completely different to Robert, but a total come on. The tracks are intentionally short because the focus of the night is about the game. I just wanted to play a little with the stripping part.  
> Frenzy : Screamin' Jay Hawkins  
> Do I Move You : Nina Simone
> 
> PS: apologies if the format is a little screwy on the songs, it looks different on every device I have. Hopefully it isn't too confusing.  
> It doesn't read well on mobiles, it's much better with a bigger screen so the text doesn't wrap.

 

 Aaron

“And he scores..... Oh yes Robert Sugden is just unstoppable today.” He grins at me triumphantly as he pauses the game. “I do believe you owe me a kiss?” He leans over towards me, cheesy grin on his face, but stops, remembering the rules. Finger in the air, “Hang on a mo......, timer; we need a timer.” As he’s looking around I pass him his phone.

I can’t help but laugh at him, he’s like a big kid on Christmas morning as he prats around with it, “I let you score; you do know that?”

He's still grinning at me, not buying any of it, “You keep telling yourself that Livesy; you’re playing in a different league now.”

I pull a face, “Just lulling you into a false sense of security, it's double the kissing for when I score. I like a good.....,” I was going to say snog, but he doesn’t give me chance. Pressing the start button on his phone, he pushes his lips onto mine. We’ve been dancing around each other so much since I arrived, now that were actually playing, our lust for each other is quickly out of control. Our tongues are rammed down each other’s throats exploring passionately, reaching ever deeper. Robert pushes me down on the floor and lies on top of me as we get carried away, kissing and touching hungrily. I have my legs wrapped round Robert’s body and I’m arching up as his hands start reaching up under my clothes. After a lot longer than a minute we pull out for air, both breathing heavily. Robert’s face remains as close to mine as possible; neither of us want to stop, but the game is just beginning. I push him off me and roll to the side, picking his phone up off the floor at the same time. I shake my head after looking at it, smiling at him, “Tut tut. Sly Sugden, very sly.” He’s laughing at me, “Timer next time....., not stopwatch.”

.

We resume the game and as I predicted, it’s not long before I score. Robert only just about manages to start the timer before we’re at it again. We are both still very turned on from the last round of kissing, but we manage to pull away from each other when the timer buzzes; rules are rules. We start playing again, darting lustful glances at each other, but now there’s a lot more to play for; now it gets serious.

We’re a while before the next breakthrough; we are both concentrating on playing and it’s got very competitive. He is actually quite good and this might be harder to win than I thought, that is until I get my striker one on one with United‘s goalie. I draw him out and Robert realises his mistake as the ball hits the back of the net. I lie back on the floor, waving my arms around in celebration, “And the crowds roar the name Livesy as his superior attack leaves United on the back foot and a goal down.” I prop myself up on my elbows, prodding Robert with my foot, grinning. “Pour us another glass of wine will ya, I’m going to enjoy this.”

Robert leans over and fills both our glasses; he is looking annoyed with himself, but then his expression changes. I follow his eyes across the room, raising my eyebrows in surprise, “New toy?”

“House warming gift from Isa,” I look at him a little oddly until I realise he means Isabelle. “She loves to dance and listen to the oldies; blues, jazz and all that. She doesn’t think much to my taste in music, so she loaded this with records that she likes for when she comes to visit. Cool huh?”

“Records?”

Robert smiles, “Oh it’s a real original jukebox, all vinyl; she’s a bit eccentric that way. You’ll like her.”

I think I just might. I prod him again, encouraging with my foot, “Come on then, don’t keep me waiting.”

He gets up and I start to follow him to take a look, but he pushes me down, onto the sofa, “Stay there you, it will be your turn soon enough.” He picks up one of the many remotes and dims the lighting; the room is now much darker, but filled with a subtle warm glow. Taking a drink of my wine, I lean against the back of the sofa, stretching my legs out, feet resting on the floor. The mix of beer from earlier, the wine and Robert are beginning to have a heady effect on me; he just oozes with self-confidence, I love watching him. He obviously knew what he wanted to pick, because he turns back around quickly. I see the glint in his eye and a wide lopsided grin on his face. As the music starts, he starts to move to it, mimicking the singer’s voice…

.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SWXOBBrZlg

 _Frenzy, dig this crazy mood I’m in_                         he rips open his shirt. I crack out laughing as buttons fly in all directions. He comes  
                                                                                  towards me, his body moving to the music, his finger seductively beckoning me as he  
_Listen to my heart as it starts to spin_                   sings. I grin, shaking my head; he will have to come to me. I can’t help laughing and be  
                                                                                  turned on all at the same time; between his animated vocals and the noise he makes as  
_Wish, when you kiss me, and do it again_              he leans over, his face pressing against my stomach; he’s hilarious. 

 _I’m in a frenzy_    
...

 _Watch my eyes, when you light them up, bling_      His taut body feels amazing writhing against me; I try to get up as he stands. I want to  
                                                                                    touch, but he pushes me down; dancing backwards to the music, eyes teasing as he  
_Listen to me whine, like a Harpsichord_                   unbuttons his jeans. Turning his back to me, he then pushes them down just far enough  
                                                                                    to get me hot and bothered; but not enough so I can see. He’s such a turn on and he knows  
_When you touch me I warm right up_                       it.

 _I'm in a frenzy, frenzy_    
…

 _This love gushes from my heart_                              He dances backs towards me, his arse swaying. My hand has moved to stroke myself through  
                                                                                    my jeans: I am so hard for him that I let out a moan. He’s unbuckled his belt and is sliding it  
_Like a water from a spout_                                        out from his jeans; he then moves away from me again just as I’m reaching out for him. He  
                                                                                    smiles back at me; I shake my head, smirking as I catch his belt. He’s so hot….  
_You build a flame, from a tiny spark_

 _You can really knock me out_  
…

 _Yeah, ease my mind with your real cool lines_       His shirt, now hanging halfway off, slides to the floor; then he turns to me, dancing sexily in  
                                                                                   my direction. I’m biting my bottom lip in anticipation. I rub my face into his crotch before he  
_Daddy, fill my soul with love divine_                        pushes me back again. Leaning over me, he teases with his mouth, kissing my neck; biting  
                                                                                   and making the noise again. I arch up into him; my senses reeling; pain....., pleasure.  
_When you say your mine, all mine_                          

 _I'm in a frenzy_    
...

                                                                                   Straddling me with his knees either side of me on the sofa, he runs his hands over his upper  
                                                                                   body. My eyes are drinking in all of him. I slide my hands up his sides, moving them to his  
                                                                                   neck. I’m reaching up to kiss him; instead he pushes up on his knees, his crotch teasing in  
                                                                                   front of my mouth. My hands are on his jeans dragging them down. He moves off me and I  
                                                                                   pull them all the way down, his hands holding my head away at a safe distance.

                                                                                  Out of his jeans, his hips and body are moving sexily to the music, he backs away from me.  
                                                                                  His hands are wandering over his front, up his neck, his fingers sliding up through his hair  
                                                                                  and back down his face where he puts them in his mouth, sucking. I can’t tear my eyes away  
                                                                                  from him.  
...

 _This love gushes from my heart_                           With his back to me again, he starts teasing his shorts down until they fall to the floor. As he  
                                                                                  turns, he steps one foot out, then with the other, he flings them so they land perfectly. I  
_Like a water from a spout_ half catch them by my face, laughing. I can smell his scent and his sex. Now fully naked, he’s  
                                                                                  playfully beckoning to me once more.  
_You build a flame, from a tiny spark_

 _You can really knock me out_    
…

 _Yeah, ease my mind with your real cool lines_     This time I can’t resist; he pulls to me hard to him. I wrap my arms around him; one hand  
                                                                                  moving over his naked body, the other up through his hair. He has to stop singing as we kiss  
_Daddy, fill my soul with love divine_                      deeply, dancing to the music, our bodies pressed against each other until he moves again,  
                                                                                  making that silly noise into my stomach, before coming back up grinning as the music stops.  
_When you say your mine, all mine_

 _I'm in a frenzy, frenzy_  
…

He gives me a last kiss and then simply backs away to the sofa. He doesn't seem at all shy with his body, but he covers his hard-on with a cushion, smirking, “You see what you do to me Aaron.”

"Mmmhh," I pull the cushion away, I can feel him beneath me as I straddle him and can't resist moving myself against him, teasing, “I think you you’ve done that before Robert Sugden.”

Strangely enough, Robert actually looks at me with a boyish shyness, “No, not for anyone; that privilege belongs to you, just you.” He smiles, he's still rock hard as leans up and kisses me; whispering as he hands me the game control, “You know you will have to forfeit when I next score,” then he unceremoniously pushes me off to the side of him.

I don’t say anything as I shuffle on the sofa, my own hard-on making it a little difficult to get comfortable. I can't help thinking that I clearly had a beer too many this afternoon; in challenging Robert, I hadn’t considered the possibility of losing. That said, I might not be able to entertain quite like he can, but I have my own talents.

.

I’m laughing away at Robert who can’t believe what just happened, “Aww, come on Robert, everyone knows England players are rubbish at penalties. It’s par for the course, don’t worry about it; it’s only a game.”

Robert scowls at me, “I’ve never missed a penalty for club or country.”

This just makes me giggle even more at him, “Well you did tonight.” I’m increasingly amused seeing Robert struggle with the idea that he might lose the game to me. I hold my glass up in the air, “More wine please, bottle’s empty.”

“Huh after that, you can go get it yourself.”

Coming back, I fill both our glasses, narrowly avoiding spilling as I wind him up, “We could always stop, if you don’t think you can beat me?”

Robert’s competitive edge shines through; he grins at me, “Not on your life, it’s not over yet. Believe me, you will be the one on your knees by the end of the night, begging for more.”

I grin at him, “Bring it on.”

The effect of the alcohol is starting to affect the quality of our gaming. I'm beginning to feel quite drunk and keep getting distracted by Robert’s naked body, so much that I mis-kick. He takes full advantage, getting away from my defender and scores an easy goal. I roll off the sofa onto the floor, lying on my back, holding the game control to my forehead whilst Robert starts whistling striptease music. I turn my head to the side, it’s now Robert whose prodding with his foot, amused at the look on my face, “Time to put out, or don’t you think you can?”

I laugh quietly as I get up and go to the juke box; I only have myself to blame. I don’t know too many oldies, not by name anyway, but my dad used to listen to Nina Simone. I see the track I want, silently thanking Isa for her taste in music.

.

Robert

Aaron turns round, leaning against the juke-box as he waits for the record to load onto the turntable.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygTLJiVougA

 _Do I move you, are you willin'?_                            Aaron moves towards me, I twist round watching him entranced; he trails his hand alluringly  
                                                                               along the back of the sofa as he walks behind it.

 _Do I groove you, is it thrillin'?_                              Our eyes never lose contact; oh god…., he has no idea how beautiful he is or what he does to  
                                                                               me.

 _Do I soothe you, tell the truth now_                     Reaching me, he throws the cushion covering my dick onto the floor; I put my hands on his  
                                                                               waist as he straddles me; I’m quickly getting hard again as he rubs against me, slow and  
_Do I move you, are you loose now?_                    seductively in motion with the music.  
...

 _The answer better be yeah, yeah_                       He smiles at me, knowing he has my full attention as he moves his body against me.

 _That pleases me_                                                  His parted lips brush over mine, tantalisingly close but not quite touching; just making me  
                                                                              want him more. His eyes are talking to me all on their own….., they're amazing.  
…

 _Are you ready for this action?_                             Aaron leans all the way back, his body arching up, with his head almost touching the floor.

 _Does it give you satisfaction?_                             I rub my hands over his already hard crotch and lean over to kiss him through his jeans.

 _Are you hip to what I'm sayin'?_                           He slowly raises himself back up; he’s driving me wild, my breathing laboured from the  
                                                                               anticipation as he’s pulling off his jumper on the way up, revealing the soft skin of his upper  
_If you are, then let's start swayin'_ body.  
…

 _The answer better be yeah, yeah_                        He quickly moves off me and rolls onto the floor…, lying on his back, knees bent, feet flat   
                                                                                on the floor, he rips open the buttons on his jeans. He arches his body up and reaches down  
_That pleases me_                                                    inside to touch himself. I can feel myself salivating; it takes all my willpower not to go to him  
                                                                                as I watch.  
…

 _When I touch you, do you quiver_                         He slides his jeans off and I remember how he made me feel just with the touch of his hand, I  
                                                                                hear myself say, “Oh fuck yeah.”  
_From your head down to your liver?_                    I can’t wait to feel the warm wetness of his mouth as his far hand massages his hard  
                                                                                shaft through his undies, his other reaching across his front, playing with his nipple.  
_If you like it let me know it_                                   I hear myself let out a moan as I rub myself; I can’t resist him anymore.

 _Don't be psychic or you'll blow it_                         I move over to him, I tease the head of his shaft with my breath as I pull his undies off.  
…

 _The answer better be yeah, yeah_                         I hover above him, holding myself up with my arms....

 _Great God almighty, that pleases me_                  .... and I close my eyes as I feel the ecstasy of his tongue gliding up my hard length;  
                                                                                 I almost come.

I have to move myself away from him quickly, or we are never going make it onto the next stage of the game. We both lie on the floor, with neither us of moving for a while as we have a quiet moment to try and calm ourselves down. I don’t know quite how we manage it, but we do. I pour us another glass of wine, which we both practically down in one; then, avoiding looking at each other, we pick up the game where we had left off.

.

It’s one of the most bizarre evenings I think I’ve ever had and I've had a few, but tonight we've been switching between lust, almost sex and a football game. The prize though, is still undecided. Aaron has more of a competitive streak than I gave him credit for; the hard-ons are gone and the playing has once again gotten serious. The high from watching Aaron get naked may have left my dick, but it seems to have given me motivation in the game and I outdo myself as I score again; it’s a really good goal even for me. We eye each other; he knows I’m closing in on my second victory of the day.

I find the phone and lean back on the sofa. Aaron kneels in front of me and waits for my command; his smile ruefully acknowledging that the goal was worthy, “You’ve got three minutes Sugden. You’d best make the most it.”

I start the timer as I move my foot up to his face. He doesn’t need any telling as he takes my toes into his mouth and starts to suck, one by one; I’m in heaven from the outset. Fucking hell, he’s good. There’s no way I can let him near my dick; then I'd never make it as far as full-on sex, even if I did score a fourth goal. I push my other foot near his mouth and he alternates sucking between them. I’ve never had my toes sucked, but it is one of the most erotic sensations I have ever felt; I can only take so much. I glance at the timer and pull him closer, so he’s kneeling in-between my legs and guide his mouth up over my nipple, where he continues sucking and teasing. This is almost as bad as I move him to the other one and I moan with pleasure. I revel in watching him, everything about him turns me on; he keeps glancing at me to see my reactions to his mouth and I love it, I absolutely love it.

The phone buzzes when the time's up and Aaron pulls away. He knows he’s going to have to up his game if he’s going to win. There’s not long to go until the end of the match and I’m now 3-2 up.

.

The last few minutes of the game are becoming really quite tense; we both keep looking at the time left as we battle it out. The game moves into extra-time, five minutes; it’s been a niggly game. I decide it’s time to show him who’s the master of football in this house. I’ve played this over and over in countless hotels with the lads, staving off the boredom when we're off for away games. You play enough, you learn a few cheats along the way and I do exactly that. It’s legal in the rules of the game, but it’s not too ethical, shall we say. The game console records my goal as valid, which means Aaron has to put out one last time; I can't stop grinning.

The look on Aaron’s face is a picture. He starts to protest but the score is settled, with a clear winner as the final whistle blows. The game has determined Robert Sugden wins 4-2 and I always claim my prize.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kind comments. I’m enjoying writing something a little more fun for a while, though you know me….., it can’t stay like that forever.
> 
> Natebuzzlover5, I really love the Adam Lambert ‘For Your Entertainment’ track for Aaron, but I decided Isa had loaded the juke box with oldies. I don’t know how, but I will find a way to put it into a fic somewhere for Aaron, even if it is a note as inspiration. In my head for him to strip or dance to this, he would have to be much more drunk than this or on drugs… absinthe I think would do it…. mmmh, on that thought, maybe I have an idea for later.


	7. Get It On!

Robert

“Don’t look at me like that,” I’m lying on top of Aaron, practically pinning him down on the sofa; he is still doing his best to protest, pouting at me all the while. The problem being, he doesn’t realise this just makes me want him more; he’s adorable when he’s like this. My laughing at him probably isn’t helping him to accept that whether he likes it or not, as far as the playstation is concerned I won, fair and square.

Aaron makes a feeble attempt to push me off, but there’s no way I’m letting go of him, “You cheated.”

Feeling his body struggling and squirming beneath me just turns me on more and I push against him, “No, I made a tactical decision to win the game.”

“Do you usually bend the rules to get what you want?” I kiss him, his lips part and despite himself he’s kissing me back; the friction of our bodies moving against each other is having an effect on both of us. 

“It depends, but I usually get what I want.” I stroke my hand through his hair; smiling, I can’t take my eyes off him.

Aaron holds me still for an instant, his eyes searching into mine, “I thought you’d never kissed a guy before? Or were you lying, because you don’t seem like this is your first time with a man?“

I’m trying to work out what’s going on in his head; suddenly afraid he doesn’t want me, that he doesn’t trust me still, “I hadn't, but that doesn’t mean I’ve not had sex with one.” I can feel the knot of apprehension building in the pit of my stomach, “We don’t have to if you don’t want to, if it’s too soon or.....”

“I didn’t say that.”

I hide my insecurity with my usual bluster, “Ah, so you just want to be the one in control?” I nuzzle into his neck, my kissing will most definitely leave a mark.

Aaron lets out a faint gasp of pleasure, but his hands press me upwards so I have to stop, “Didn’t say that either. Cheaters shouldn’t get a prize.”

“You see there you go again.”

“What?”

“Making a drama out of everything.”

“I’m not, I'm just saying I don’t like being cheated is all.”

“Aaron ....”

“What?”

I grab his hands, forcing them down either side of his head and kiss his earlobe before whispering close to his ear, “I want to feel your tongue on me again.” I decide it's time to take the initiative. I get up off the sofa, lifting him up with me; Aaron wraps his legs around my waist and his arms round my neck. I feel all my doubt that he doesn’t want me go away as Aaron’s mouth crushes onto mine; we’re kissing passionately as I carry him over to the billiard table, where it is now Aaron who takes the initiative. He gets down from me and pushes me up onto the table, his hand pressing my upper body until I’m lying back, my legs dangling down towards the floor. His hands glide down my thighs, pushing my legs apart; I’m already well on the way to being hard, but not quite there yet. It doesn’t take long though, as I feel his warm breath against my dick; he doesn’t touch me yet, but this is all I needed.

.

Then I feel his mouth and I close my eyes, “Oh my god Aaron.” He’s kissing my thighs, his tongue teasing, his lips brushing lightly against my skin, "Oh my god." He takes my hands, resting them either side of me; holding them fast as he works towards my now fully hard shaft. My breathing is shallow as I sink into the sensation; I'm tense with anticipation, not knowing where he will touch next. He takes me by surprise, causing my body to spasm involuntarily as his tongue darts lightly up my foreskin, followed by a fleeting touch to the head. I feel my hands grip his more tightly as he licks, his tongue darting up a different part of my shaft, each time with a glancing touch on the head of my dick. He is hardly touching me, but my breathing is all over the place and my hips arching up for him, “Please Aaron, I want your mouth, please.....”

I’m not ready for the rush of ecstasy when he takes me fully all the way to the base and starts to suck; a combination of his tongue, mouth, then after a while his right hand, are working me closer to the edge. I can’t seem to control my body as it rises and falls to his touch. When he takes me all the way down, sometimes he holds still, forcing me to bounce my hips upwards, searching with short thrusts into the warm wetness; other times he’s sucking up and down, the pressure in just the right places to drive me wild. He always seems to sense when I‘m getting too close, switching it down, his hand stroking, twisting and jerking; or moving to sucking and licking my balls. His hands prevent mine from trying to escape his grasp, stopping me having any control. Aaron is an expert, I’ve never been with anyone who could hold me on the edge like this.

He pushes my legs up over me so my knees are practically resting either side of my head; I hold them back as Aaron's tongue circles my hole. I can't help but moan loudly as he flicks his tongue on it, over and over; the speed quickening then slowing to kissing it softly, before speeding up again with his tongue. The guys I’ve had sex with until now have been of the quick fumble and fuck variety; this is the first time I’ve experienced true passion with a man. When he pushes inside me, his tongue fucking me is pure bliss; I’m not paying attention now to anything except the sensations rippling through my body. I hardly notice as he turns me over so I'm face down on my knees; he climbs onto the table, kneeling behind me where he starts stroking my dick. He's pulling it backwards underneath me, whilst his tongue pushes deeper until I can hardly take any more, “Fuck me Aaron, make me come.”

“No, you get to fuck me remember, you won the game apparently," There's a glint of amusement in his eyes, as he continues, "but I’m the one whose going to ride you until you fuck the come out of me.”

.

I don’t need telling twice, his words triggering a more primal need. I switch us round so we are kneeling upright, Aaron now in front of me, my dick pushing up between his ass cheeks. I jerk and stroke him with one hand whilst wrapping the other arm up across his front, my hand gripping round his throat forcing his head back; our kissIng is needy, almost desperate.

He drops forward on all fours, his hand reaching back for my dick, pulling it to his hole. I tease him, my hands on his waist controlling his movement, "Patience Aaron, I haven’t said you can have it yet.” This just turns him on more. Raising himself back up, he leans into me, my hardness driving up once more between his ass cheeks, our tongues reaching down each others throats. I haven’t ever wanted anyone as much as I want Aaron now.

I force him forward again onto his hands and knees; I lick my finger and push it into him. He is so tight that his body snaps back immediately, arching up as he cries out; a combination of pain and pleasure as I press deeper into him. Licking again, I push in this time with two fingers and now he’s moaning, resting his head in his hands on the table in an effort to channel the initial pain. He’s biting down onto his fist, but it’s not long until he starts to ride my fingers, which soon progresses to three, “I want you Robert.”

“Say it again.” I pull him back upright and kiss his neck and earlobe, which I’m learning he loves and is a huge turn on with him. I push my fingers into his mouth and he sucks them, his hand is over mine as I stroke him; we’re now moving against each other very intensely.

“Fuck me Robert, I want you inside me; fuck me hard.” I jump down off the table to quickly grab a condom and some lube. Getting back on I watch him a moment, a little in awe of how beautiful and sexual he is; Aaron has moved onto his side, he’s stroking himself, biting his bottom lip with his eyes closed. After rolling the condom on, I lie down behind him, apply some lube and then pull him back into a spooning position. His whole body reacts as I push all the way into him; I hold it an instant, waiting for him to let me know he’s okay. He tilts his head back to kiss me and I start to move slow, steady and deep inside him. His hand is gripping tight onto mine from my arm wrapped beneath him, I use my other hand to then pull his left leg up and hold it out at an angle to give me more leverage and depth; our need to fuck takes over.

.

After a while, I roll him onto his front, lying him flat and I hold myself above him so I can drive into him; it’s like he zones out as he lets me pound him, he feels fucking amazing. With my arms tiring a little from holding myself up, I move so I’m lying on him and my thrusting becomes more deliberate; as deep as it is possible to go. Our hands grip tight as I kiss into his neck, “You feel so good Aaron; it feels so good.“

We move back to spooning which is quickly becoming my favourite position with him, it’s so intimate as he reaches back with his mouth; his lips are searching for mine and we kiss as I continue to push up into him. He moans again, "Don't stop, whatever you do Robert, don't stop." He starts to jerk himself off, his body pushing hard back against me, "Harder...., fuck....., there, just right there." My hand takes over stroking him; I'd found the right angle to hit his prostate, which has Aaron moaning even louder. I can’t help smile to myself as he comes, his eyes closed as he shudders against me, "Oh my god, oh my god....., shit." I think the speed of it takes him by surprise; his entire body is taut, as he rides it out.

I’m very close and I pick up speed, “I’m going to come Aaron, I’m going to come.” I was going to pull out of him, but he won’t let me and I don’t think I could be any deeper as I climax. I bury my face into his neck; it’s so intense at first, I can’t make a noise. I move quickly inside him again and then I hold still; every muscle in my body tightens as I try to cope with wave after wave of the orgasm hitting my senses, until I finally collapse against him. I pull out and remove the condom before wrapping myself around him; I have an overwhelming need to hold him.

.

We’re both breathing heavily; Aaron is wiping the come from his fingers against his stomach, “No come on the billiard table please.” Aaron laughs at me, then scraping it onto his fingers, he pushes them into my mouth forcing me to suck them clean. “Mmmh, you taste good.” I like how he tastes, his milky saltiness, "I won't need anymore protein shakes, as long as you keep feeding me."

"I think I can manage that." He smirks at me mischievously, "Next time you'll have it try taking it all down in one."

I squeeze him gently, "I might need to practice on that one."

"Don't you worry now, I'll make you practice; over and over until I'm satisfied."

I bite on his neck playfully, "I bet you will." Tonight has been the most amazing sex I’ve ever had. We cuddle together, both feeling a combination of exhaustion and contentment. I smile to myself, “Told you Aaron, special things happen on this table, moments in history.” He looks back at me amused, but doesn’t say anything, just pulling me tighter to him. We lie quietly, resting, there’s no need to talk; we both know how we feel, this is just beginning.

I think I had sensed from the first time I met him, that Aaron is not like the others. After tonight, I know for sure; the sex is fantastic, but it's different with him. He's nothing like my usual type from either sex; I still don’t even know him that well. I can’t seem to put my finger on exactly what it is....., it’s not just one or two things, it’s everything about him. I want to enjoy all of Aaron and more importantly, unselfishly, I want him to enjoy being with me. In the past, whether with a man or a woman, I’ve given by default because it’s kind of part of the bargain; but with Aaron, to satisfy him and make him happy is a part of my own need and not just when having sex.

For the first time in my life, Robert Sugden is no longer on the market.

TBC


	8. The Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron meets some of Robert’s friends and they talk a little about their pasts.

Aaron

Since that first time we’ve been at it like rabbits, but we’ve also been spending a lot of time together doing other stuff. Robert’s taught me how to play billiards, but I prefer snooker which I’ve got quite good at and we’ve since had sex on the billiard table more than once. That said, I think we’ve had sex on just about every piece of furniture in the house. On the playstation we are pretty much even-steven in results; we now have a bet on for the end of the season where the loser belongs to the other for a day. Robert cooks for us when I stay over and I’ve been helping him fix up an old motorbike that he bought, which has given us a real reason with mum and everyone for us to spend time together, at least for now.

It’s been relaxed and easy, with no pressure; the more time we spend together, the more we get to know each other. I’m hardly at home and mum’s not daft, she keeps asking when she’s going to meet my new boyfriend. I keep fobbing her off, saying I’m just staying with friends, but she’s not buying any of it; partly because Robert can’t keep away from my neck. He knows I love being kissed on my neck and around my ears. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t help himself, so I always seem to have love bites; not just there, but also in quite a few other places on my body. We nearly got caught the once by Adam after work at the scrap yard; we thought he'd left, but he came back after forgetting his keys. He never cottoned on though, so we’ve managed not to raise any suspicions that we are seeing each other.

.

Robert is watching me amused, “You want some toast or something?” I’m running late to meet Adam and am pulling on my coat as I rush round the kitchen, picking my stuff up. I don't answer; instead I steal Robert’s toast from the plate in front of him, “Oi that was mine.”

I grin at him, “Thanks.” I look at the clock, “Adam’s going to go ape at me; I am so late, he wanted to get off early to collect some stuff.” After pulling on my boots, I go kiss Robert goodbye, “Right, I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, don’t forget though, Tom and the Boss are coming over to the Woolpack tonight.”

“Oh, shit yeah, I had forgot. Okay, I’ll sleep at home tonight then.” I give him another quick kiss before leaving. It was Robert’s fault I’m late after we got carried away the first time I was leaving for work. We’ve pretty much settled into a routine this last few weeks, with me staying at Home Farm at least half of the week, depending what we’ve got on or if Robert has a game. I like it; I like him.

.

It took a lot longer trip to do the collection than we had reckoned; we weren't helped by an accident, where we got held up for an hour extra. Adam drops me off outside the pub when we get back and I’m knackered as I walk inside; looking at the clock, it’s 7.30 already. I so need a shower, then some food and a pint wouldn’t go amiss. I had completely forgotten again about Robert’s friends coming over to the pub tonight, but I remember as soon as I see Robert at the bar. His friends haven’t arrived yet; I smile at him as I walk past and go upstairs for a shower.

The hot water works wonders and I’m beginning to feel human again as I go into my room, a towel round me. I hear the door open, “Mum, will you bloody well learn to knock, you can’t just keep walking.....,” I stop as I turn round and realise it’s Robert. He comes over and wraps his arms around me, pushing me towards the bed. I put my hands over his and let him push me down onto it, “Behave you. Mum has a habit at the moment of just barging in on me. I’m sure she’s doing it on purpose to see if I have someone with me.”

He smirks, “She’s busy serving; it’s fine.”

“Ahhh, what are you doing? Don’t….., shit….., Robert your friends will be here soon and I need to eat."

“They’ll be fine as well. I’m sure they can look after themselves for a while when they get here.”

I attempt to push his hands away, but without success and I don’t really want to stop him. He’s pulled the towel open and is reaching for me with his hand; it’s not long before I’m really hard. ”Robert you need to stop, please....., oh god…...,” I stop talking as his mouth goes down on me, resting my hands on his head as he sucks me off. He’s got quite good at this now. It took him a while to learn how to take me without gagging and having to pull out a lot; now he knows exactly what to do and what I like. “Mmmmh, aargh, fucking hell Robert." I can see him looking up at me, smiling as he takes me all the way down. We always feed off each other, not just during sex, but in everything that we do. "Ah......, ah......, take it deeper; all the way you slut.” He pulls away from me when I say this, doing his best to feign offense, but his face gives him away; he likes it when I talk dirty to him. I immediately push his head back down on me and force him to hold there as I fuck into his mouth.

He brings me close, his eyes constantly glancing up at me. We’ve both gotten good at reading each other’s signals; what turns us on and what holds us on the edge, “I’m close, oh god yeah, just like that,” I’m biting my lip as I can feel my come building. “Don’t stop, Robert don’t stop. I’m going to come....., oh fuck.” My come spurts into his mouth and I keep holding his head to me so he has to swallow. He’s never said anything, but I know he gets off on this; he loves it when I make him take me and so do I. I make him suck off every last drop and then kiss him, tasting myself on his lips and in his mouth.

Robert's smiling at me, pleased with himself, “Mmmmh, you taste good.” I smirk at him and after a minute to recover I push him off me to go put some clothes on, whilst Robert lies back on the bed watching me. When I'm ready, I go lie on top of him and we start kissing some more. Robert strokes his hand through my hair, “I’d better go back downstairs. Why don’t you come eat with us? Tom knows you’re helping with the motorbike, so it wouldn’t be weird you meeting them.” I don't get chance to reply; he smacks my arse playfully, rolling us over so he’s now on top of me, “Do I get  _my_  dessert later?”

I stroke my hand down his cheek and kiss him, teasing, “Maybe. If you’re a good boy….., a very good boy though.”

“I’m always a good boy, you know that Aaron?”

“Yeah right....., not." I push him off me, ”You go back downstairs; I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

.

When I walk into the bar, I see Robert’s friends have arrived. He throws me a quick glance, making a movement with his mouth to remind me of what we’ve just done and I have to look away so I don't laugh. I like knowing that he still has the taste of my come in his mouth.

Mum is serving drinks whilst Robert is doing introductions with Diane and Vic. Andy and Katie are in, but they stay over the other side of the pub and Robert is ignoring them as usual; Katie is glaring back at him, same as usual. I don’t really understand why they can’t just get on, but Robert hasn’t really wanted to talk much about his past in Emmerdale so far. I haven’t either to be honest; we’ve just concentrated on enjoying being together.

Robert's beaming at me as I walk over to them, “This is Aaron. I told you about him, he’s helping me fix up the bike.” There’s another round of hellos, ”Chas here is his mum.” It’s odd between mum and Robert. She’s never directly rude to him, but she’s still not particularly friendly with him either, despite him being in the village now three months and he hasn’t given her any reason not to like him. I can’t work them all out sometimes.

I decide to join Robert and his friends for food in the end. There’s Tom, his best friend along with his wife Lucy, who is an absolute hoot; then there’s Martin, his Boss. He’s told me quite a lot about Tom, so I know they are close and it’s obvious when I see them together. Lucy has this humouring approach with Robert and she knows just how to set him up; I get the impression this is what they do all the time. I also notice mum is looking all gooey eyed at Martin from behind the bar. From memory Robert said he's just got divorced and I also seem to remember something about it in one of the gossip mags that Vic was reading. God I hope she doesn’t start throwing herself at him; that would be embarrassing.

.

Robert's friends are good fun and easy to talk to, although it's a bit weird at times. For one thing I’m a City fan, so obviously I had to put up with all the ribbing about that. Then because no-one knows we are together, they start teasing him about his reputation with the ladies. Diane and Vic sit shaking their head at him, a mix of amusement and despair. Robert is a natural flirt with everyone; it’s part of what draws people to him. I know he goes out still and there’s been pictures in the media and stuff, all the usual buzz about him; but apparently it’s being noticed that he hasn’t been out as much recently and when he has, he’s not been seen leaving with anyone or coming out of hotels in the early hours of the morning. Lucy says one or two articles have started questioning if he's hiding a secret lover, which Robert denies when she asks him directly.

Martin had been out to the loo earlier and when he came back, because we'd finished eating, it was easier to push me round into his seat; so now I'm next to Robert, just the two of us together on the back seat. Robert's generally quite a touchy feely person, so no-one thinks anything about it when he touches me, it’s how he is; but I’m very conscious of it. I keep expecting someone to pick up on us being together, but they don’t. Robert has noticed my unease when they're talking about his rather eventful social life. He squeezes my knee under the table, his hand moving to my thigh; I have to stop him as he starts to stroke it with his fingers, not because I don’t want it, but because I’m aware it’s starting to turn me on. I squeeze his hand and fire him a look so he understands and that I’m not annoyed about the conversation. As we’ve now been hiding our relationship for more than a good couple of months, we have gotten used to communicating with our eyes a lot when we are out in public together.

.

I hadn’t realised it had got that late as Diane went to lock up. Mum brings over a new round and joins us, “Courtesy of the Woolpack.” As we start our own private party, I pull away from Robert a little putting some distance between us; just in case mum spies anything she shouldn’t between us. Not that I have to worry on that front; she still only has eyes for Martin and seemingly he’s quite taken with her.

Lucy and Vic are getting on well; they turn the music up and start dancing. I rest my head down on the table as mum embarrassingly pulls Martin up and they also start dancing, “Somebody shoot me please.”

Robert’s laughing at me, “She’s enjoying herself, let her have some fun.”

“Since when did you care about my mum having some fun?”

We’re sat on our own now with the others dancing or somewhere else, “The more she looks at him, the less she looks at us. Anyway, I seem to remember you and a Nina Simone number not that long ago.” He's grinning at me and I can feel myself blushing.

"I don't remember any dancing to it though."

I can feel his breath as he leans close to my ear, his voice quiet so no-one can hear, "Lap dancing then, you were hot; I bet Chas doesn't suspect her son can move quite like that."

I feel myself get all embarrassed with my tone a little chiding, "You promised to be a good boy Robert Sugden."

After looking quickly to make sure no-one is watching, Robert puts his hand on my crotch, "Where's the fun in that?" I do my best to supress my smile, shaking my head at him.

It’s well after one when they all leave and we manage to shoo both mum and Diane upstairs; being the good sons that we are, we had offered to clear up for them. As soon as we’re sure they aren’t coming back down, we’re leaning against the bar kissing; we’re not drunk, but definitely very merry and relaxed. Robert’s never stayed over at the pub; I had always said it would be too dangerous with both mum and Diane around, so I had always gone to his, “Can I stay here tonight? I can’t be bothered to go home and I want to sleep with you; I promise I’ll be gone before they get up.” I love waking up with him and I nod.

.

Despite it being so late, neither of us seems tired enough to go to sleep, but we’re too tired to make love. Instead we cuddle in bed, talking, “What happened with you and Andy? Why do him and Katie have it in for you so much?“

“Long story short, I wasn’t very good at being a farmer’s son and I got jealous. You know he’s my adopted brother right?” I nod. “We were best friends at first, almost inseparable, but then when he came to live with us, it seemed he had more in common with dad than I did. Nobody at home was interested that I wanted to be a footballer and that I was actually good enough. Dad didn’t rate football as a good career choice and couldn’t understand why I wasn't happy enough being a farmer. It just got worse from there." Robert goes quiet.

I push him to keep going, "Something must have happened though for you not to come home in ten years? 

"It's a long time ago....., some stuff happened."

"You don't have to tell me if you don’t want to Robert."

He shrugs, "Dad had it off with someone else and Sarah my step mum died in a fire. I found out Andy had started it; he didn’t know Sarah was in there, but I couldn’t forgive him. I don’t know if I ever will, not completely." Robert reflects a little before continuing, "I like to play games sometimes, you know me by now, I like to win; I was worse back then. I took Katie from him, even after they were married, but then I cheated on her. I didn’t care, I'd won and I was leaving; I’d been offered an apprenticeship at my first club. The night before I left there was a big row and I drove at Andy; we had a game of chicken. Max King, Jimmy’s brother....., he was in the car with Andy when it rolled. I managed to get Andy out, but it went up in flames before I could go back for Max and he died." Robert stops, his chest heaves with a big sigh, clearly affected by what he's telling me. "Dad lied to the police to protect me, but he blamed me and told me never to come back. I left the next day and I never did; just the once in ten years when dad died. I didn’t see anyone even then, except Andy for a few minutes; he saw me, but I didn’t stay and I never came back after that until now.” Robert looks at me seriously, "Jimmy doesn't know, just me and Andy; you can't ever tell anyone Aaron."

“I know," I let out a half laugh, "I thought my life was fucked up.”

Robert huffs, “Pfft, thanks.”

“You know what I mean.” I curl up against him.

Robert kisses my head, “You mean your scars?”

I nod, “And other stuff.”

Robert had obviously seen my scars, but hadn’t ever pushed me to talk about them. I tell him about when I was a kid and how I had ended up living with Paddy; coming out and trying to kill myself, then about Jackson and the trial. He’d heard a bit about Jackson. Apparently he’d done a little digging with Vic on my previous boyfriends to see if they were still around, but he didn’t know about the other stuff. I tell him about taking the blame for Adam and going to France with Ed. We trade stories about living in France for a while, which is quite entertaining.

We’ve both made mistakes and done things we shouldn’t; maybe this is some of what draws us together. We aren’t an obvious couple; at first glance we hardly have anything in common. The reality is we have a lot in common; we just don’t show this side of ourselves to the outside world too often. I have my scars on the outside and wear my emotions on my sleeve; Robert has both his on the inside where no-one can see.

.

"I like your friends; they’re alright."

“Yeah, they are. Tom and Lucy....., and Isa, I would tell them anything. I’ve never lied to Tom or not told him anything until now. I suppose I’ve never told him I’ve been with a few guys, but they’ve never been more than one night stands, so I didn’t really think about it.”

“You could tell them…., about us, if you want….., I could tell Adam and Vic?”

“Maybe.” He kisses me and hugs me tight, “I don’t want to share you, not just yet; but at the same time I want everyone to know I’m with you. Let’s just enjoy it a little longer, maybe in the New Year we tell them and the family, is that okay?”

I nod, delaying telling mum is a blessing, but slowly, I’m finding it harder to hide how I feel about him from everyone. I'm not used to living two lives like he is.

.

We eventually fell asleep and Robert was already gone when I wake up. I hadn’t even stirred when he went, which isn’t like me; it must have been all the beer. I get up and sit on the side of my bed; looking at my phone, I see that I have a text from him already, saying 'good morning sleepyhead'. It makes me smile. I also notice something on my bedside table that isn’t usually there. I pick the key up and read the note; it's from Robert, ‘Thought it’s about time you have your own key. It’s the key to my door, the key to my heart and the key to me.'

I text him back, quietly smiling to myself, 'You big softie.'

I get a reply instantly, 'xxx.'

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are all enjoying. I like the boys happy together; they are definitely cementing their relationship nicely and growing stronger as a couple all the time...... sooooo......you just know it can't last. 
> 
> It's going to be a bumpy ride!
> 
> Here's to angst, tears and a whole lot of emotion.  
> Take care  
> Caro


	9. Merry Christmas…..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron find time for some fun in-between juggling family and friends at Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9 and 10 posted together.

Robert, 23rd – 24th December

Aaron’s sat at the kitchen table with a bemused look on his face, “Sometimes they all get together and sometimes they don’t; this year they’re not. We'll leave here in the morning and be back at tea-time, then we get to spend the night together. Robert, I don’t see why you’re getting so worked up.”

I’m clattering around the kitchen, taking my frustration out on the pots and pans as I put them away into the cupboards, “So that’s settled then, finally. Tomorrow we do Christmas here for just us, Christmas Day you go up-to the Dingles and I’ll be with Diane and Vic at the pub; we leave soon as possible and spend the night here and then I have to be off early on Boxing Day for the game. Okay, sorted.”

I don’t know either why I’ve got so annoyed with everything. I hate Christmas, I’ve always hated Christmas since I was little and I was hoping it would be different this year, but it’s not, not really. I can’t think of anything worse than having to suffer being round a table with Andy and Katie, but in a moment of weakness I had promised Vic, so I’ll just have to suck it up and play nice. If it was up-to me I'd spend the whole day just with Aaron and I can’t which is pissing me off irrationally. I bang the last of the cupboard doors shut so loud that Aaron looks at me a little startled, “Sometimes Robert, it’s like being with a ten year old.”

“Whatever, haven’t you got a washing machine to scrap or something?”

“No. I took the day off to be with you, I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t bothered now.”

“Well go then.”

“See, that’s what a ten year old would say.” I’m still scowling as I put the kettle on to make a coffee, “Robert….” I ignore him, instead getting the coffee jar and my mug, “Robert, come here.” I look across at him and give in. I walk over and Aaron wraps his arms round my waist and his legs round the back of my knees, pulling me into him, “Now smile and be happy.“

I remain stubbornly unsmiling, “If you don’t smile, Father Christmas won’t give you your presents.”

This gets my attention and I feel a flutter of panic, “I thought we weren’t doing presents?”

Aaron’s amused at the look on my face, “We’re not.”

“Good, cos you told me not to get anything and you being you, I took you at your word.” He’s laughing at me now; it's going to be one of those days, I should have just stayed in bed.

Aaron sighs and raises his eyebrows at me, just like a school master would do, “Have you calmed down now?"

“Yes.” I’m still scowling though.

“Are you sure?”

I’m softening, unable to resist Aaron’s piercing blue eyes, my scowl turning into more of a pouty smile, “Yes.”

Aaron kisses me, “Good, go get your coat; not the long one.” I look at him suspiciously. When I come back in he has his coat on as well; he takes my hand and we go outside, Aaron locking the door behind us, “Close your eyes.”

“I hate surprises.”

“It’s not really a surprise; it’s just something for us, now close your eyes.” With my eyes closed, Aaron tugs me by the hand and we’re going into the garage, I think. “Okay, now you can open them.”

When I do, I smile at him, “You finished it….., without me.”

He shrugs, “I had some time….., it looks good huh?” Aaron had finished the bike; it’s all re-built and gleaming. I smile at him, he hands me a helmet and the keys, “I take it you Sir would like to be up front driving?”

“Sir would indeed.”

“I thought so; I’ll tell you where to go.”

“There’s more?”

“Maybe, you’ll have to wait and see.”

“There is petrol in it right?” At this Aaron gives me such a look that I put the helmet on quickly just in case he hits me.

.

I had bought the knackered bike on a whim, I’m not an enthusiast and it’s not anything a collector would bother with, but I liked it and had bought it really just to spend time with Aaron as an excuse. I used to like tinkering with engines on the farm, it was one of the few things where I have happy memories and I’ve really enjoyed working with Aaron to fix it back up.

Aaron tells me where to go; we head towards the East Coast, through Malton and then on to Filey. It’s cold, but the sun is shining and it’s a perfect blue sky. It’s a good day for being out and the views are stunning as we wind our way across to the coast. I love having Aaron’s arms around me and it feels good being away from Emmerdale with him; wearing the helmets no-one has a clue who we are.

When we get to Filey, we wind down to the far end of the bay and park up, then go onto the beach for a walk. I have my hat on and scarf wrapped round so no-one would recognise me, plus the wind is actually quite cold despite the sun shining. When we get hungry, Aaron goes buys fish and chips and then we go find a quiet, sheltered spot, out of the way, at the end of the prom. It’s nice as we sit, eating and talking; I haven’t done anything like this in years. Finishing my food, I lean over and kiss Aaron, “Thank you; it’s perfect. So, where to now boss?”

He smiles at me and we kiss again. I can't help glancing round to make sure no-one is anywhere nearby. Aaron’s eyes are sparkling in the sunshine, he's gorgeous when he smiles. “Dunno, hadn’t thought that far.” His eyes are wandering, lustfully, “We could stay over somewhere…..; I could help polish your helmet?”

“That was so lame…..,” I grin at him, “but you could, if you fancied?” I kiss him, much deeper. We have a quick look on line, it isn’t cheap being practically Christmas, but we find a place not too far away that do luxury cabins, we rang up and booked. We were lucky, they’d had a cancellation. Aaron sorted it all out and got the key from reception, so I didn’t have to go in and risk anyone seeing me; he had a little map for us to follow to drive to the cabin. We make love all night and have a long lie in with breakfast, then just chill out and it's early afternoon before we set off back.

When we get home, we spend the rest of Christmas Eve quiet, playing games and watching some crappy TV before going to bed. The bike and Filey had been so perfect, that I think I can manage to get through Christmas Day at the pub without him, holding onto the thought that I only have to get to tea-time and then I can go back home to him.

.

Robert, 25th – 26th December

Christmas Day is uneventful. I am on my best behaviour at the pub and at the earliest possible opportunity, make my excuses to leave. I told them I was going to Tom and Lucy’s, who had actually invited me, but I had declined. The only person I have any intention of being with the rest of the day is Aaron. Even if that means listening to him snore in front of the telly and practically having to carry him up-to bed after he’d eaten and drunk too much. I watch him sleep for a while; with the game tomorrow, I hadn’t been able to pig out for Christmas, but I’ll make up for it on Sunday.

I have to be off early on Boxing Day, we are playing Stoke and kick off is at 12.45; at least this means I won’t be too late back home. I kiss Aaron as I leave reluctantly in the morning; he looks so enticing, all warm and cosy under the duvet. I text him a few times from the coach, but he must still be asleep because he doesn’t text back.

.

I’ve just walked onto the pitch along with the rest of the team, still in my suit and coat, seeing what the surface is like and having a general look. Tom is twittering on about the kids and the family when my phone goes and it’s Aaron. I move a little way from Tom and the others so I can talk without being heard, “You woke up then?”

“Mmmh.”

“What are you doing?”

“In bed, watching some live TV thingy.”

“Oh yeah, anything good?”

“I don’t know; give us a twirl and we’ll see.”

I laugh, “What?”

“I’m watching United TV. Do people really watch this?”

“I have no idea.”

“Well go on then, twirl.”

I can’t stop giggling as I do a quick twirl. I have to walk further away from the others, as I get a couple of odd looks, “Seriously, you’re watching me on TV, from my bed?”

“Yeah, I thought seeing how you weren’t here, I’d watch you play on the telly later. This just happened to be on when I switched the TV on, perfect timing to see you prat around on the pitch doing whatever it is you’re doing. What are you doing?”

“Inspecting the pitch.”

“Oh, any good?”

“It’s alright, playable.”

“New suit?”

“Yes, do you like it?”

“Looks good on you; very dapper.”

“Glad I have your approval.”

“Robert, you’d look good in a dustbin bag and you know it.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. So are you going to stay in bed all day until I get home, or are you actually going to get up and do something?"

“Well I’m definitely planning to get up.”

I pull a face, because he sounds a little odd, “Are you going to support United for me?”

“Never gonna happen.”

“I can’t believe you never support me.”

“It’s nothing personal, I just can’t bring myself to support United; it just goes against the grain….., mmmhh....., ahh god......”

“Aaron, what are you doing?"

"I’m errrm....., getting up.”

I hear him moan again, “Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”

“Maybe, I’m definitely up.” I’m laughing at him, “I can't help it if you get me all turned on and hard Robert; it’s your fault. You look too good in that suit; sexy.”

I’m beginning to feel turned on now, knowing what he’s doing whilst watching me; my voice is low and a little huskier than normal, “You think I’m sexy?”

“Yes, you're very sexy. Robert....., make me come for you.”

I look around to check no-one’s started going back in yet, “How hard are you?”

“Very hard.”

“Close your eyes,” There’s a silence on the line, “Are they closed?”

Aaron’s practically whispering down the phone, ”Yes.”

I so wish I was with him, “Make the palm of your hand and fingers wet with your spit and then stroke your dick, just like as if it’s my mouth. You know how you like my mouth, sliding up and down, wet and warm and then my tongue playing a little with your head; don’t forget that little twist you like. Imagine I’m in bed with you and it’s me sucking you.” I can hear Aaron's breathing; I wrap my coat around me, very aware that I’m getting hard. “Are you naked?”

“No.”

“Get naked for me.” I hear movement and then quiet.

“Okay, all off.”

“Good boy. Now, show me how sexy you think I am, how much you want me; moan for me Aaron.” I close my eyes as I listen to him; this really isn’t a good idea, “Aaron I want to touch myself and I can’t, you don’t know what you do to me. I want to kiss up your hardness, into your belly button; then bite, suck and kiss your neck. I love it when you hold onto me from how it makes you feel.”

“More Robert, I want more.”

“Run your finger over your hole.”

“I don’t know if I can reach.”

“Yes you can, turn on your side; put the phone on speaker." There's an urgency in my voice, "Do as you’re told Aaron, do it for me." I can hear him moving and there's a pause, but I hear the phone is now on speaker. Oh god, I'm so hard for him. "Lick your fingers and rub them over your hole; my tongue loves your hole, how you can’t ever lie still when I lick and kiss you there because it's too sensitive and you get too turned on.” I can hear him breathing, “What does it feel like Aaron?”

“Weird……, nice; keep going.”

“Make sure you keep your fingers nice and wet; imagine they are my tongue licking you. I’m just teasing around the outside but not pushing in. Put your fingers from your other hand in your mouth and suck them; that’s what we’re going to do when I get home. I’m going to fuck your mouth and you’re going to my finger my hole; you’re going to drive me wild, until I’m screaming your name and that I want to come.”

“Robert…..”

I can hear him and I'm having visions of him lying on the bed, his body moving with pleasure. “Push your finger inside, just one.”

“I’m tight.... we didn’t have sex yesterday.”

“I love it when you’re so tight, fuck yourself with your finger, just like I do. Does it feel good?”

“Yes, oh fuck Robert, you feel so good”

I can see some of the team start to leave the pitch and I’m in a quandary what to do. “Aaron, I have to leave the pitch now, but I’m hard Aaron, I am so hard. People can see....., they have no idea how hard you're making me, how turned on I am just listening to you.“ I start walking towards the tunnel, “I want to hear you moan my name Aaron. Go back to your dick and stroke it. Stroke it, just like you do with me.”

There’s no way I can be around the others like this and I can’t leave Aaron without finishing him off, “Keep telling me what you’re doing, tell me exactly what you’re doing. I need to find somewhere to go,” I’m walking quickly, frantically thinking of where I can go, at the same time listening to Aaron talk to me. Once inside the changing rooms, I look around to make sure nobody sees me and I go into the bathroom that’s normally reserved for the officials; I shouldn’t be in this part. I lock the door and unzip my trousers, “It’s just us Aaron, I found somewhere. I’m stroking myself Aaron, I’m so hard for you, oh god. Aaron....., when we make love tonight, will you fuck me? I want to feel what it's like.”

“Yes…., Are you sure? You’ve never wanted me to....., you’ve always.....”

I cut him off, “I know, but I want you to. I’ve never done it with anyone like that; well kind of the once, but not really......, I’ve never.....; I want my first real time like that to be with you.” I’m jerking quick and fast on my dick; I'm more or less panting and I rest my head against the wall as I get closer to coming. “I can’t believe how close I am, I can feel it Aaron. Tell me what it’s like when I’m inside you.”

“It’s amazing, it’s like you take over my body and when you push deep there’s nowhere for me to go, I have to take it all, I don’t feel anything other than you and I love it. I want to come Robert; I don't think I can hold it, how close are you?” Aaron’s panting down the phone.

“Very, I’m very close; faster, oh fuck.....,” I'm tugging hard on myself; I close my eyes and listen to Aaron moaning with pleasure down the phone and I’m picturing him naked on the bed making himself come. ”Aaron, I'm there, are you ready?”

“Yes, I’m going to come for you Robert; oh fuck I'm coming,” I don't even attempt to hold it and I can feel my come pumping into my hand. There’s a long pause, no sound now other than our breathing as we both orgasm. After what feels an age I'm finally able to say something, “Wow, that was hot; you are so fucking hot Aaron. I love you, I loved it; I’ve never come so quick before.”

“Suck your fingers Robert, taste it; that’s what you’re going to feed to me when you get home tonight.”

I put my fingers in my mouth and suck loudly so he can hear. I turn round and lean back against the wall and see myself in the mirror; I can’t help quietly laughing, in complete awe at what we’ve just done. “That was amazing.”

A comfortable silence descends between us until Aaron breaks it, “Did you mean it?”

I smile, I knew he’d heard, “Yes, I love you Aaron. Not exactly how I had intended telling you but I meant it, I mean it. I love you.” There’s silence on the other end of the phone, all I hear is Aaron’s quiet breathing. I’m trying to imagine what’s going through his head and a part of me can’t help feeling disappointed he doesn’t say it back. I get pulled back to reality, hearing people in the corridor. “I have to go, they'll be wondering where I am. I’ll see you at home later, you’ll be there right?”

“Yes, I’ll be here.”

“Good.” After pressing the end call button, I pull up my shorts and trousers, zipping them up and tuck my shirt back in. I wash my hands and then rest back against the wall for a moment to try and get myself some bit like normal. I have no idea if I appeared odd or my usual self as I went down the corridor and into the team changing room. I'm pretty much in my own world, I cant stop thinking about Aaron.

.

It was a good game for us, we won 1 : 2, but I’m looking forward to getting home. I check my phone as we head into the player’s lounge. I see a text from Aaron and I’m smiling like I've just won the lottery when I read it, ‘I love you.’

TBC


	10. …..And A Happy New Year ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys celebrate New Year and look to the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9 and 10 posted together.

Aaron, 26th December

My phone rings; it’s Robert, “Hi, where are you?

“Just picked the car up; should be home in around forty minutes.”

“I’m at the pub.”

“You finally made it out of bed then? Didn’t think you were going out?”

“Forgot I promised mum I’d come have a drink with her. She’s been complaining about not seeing enough of me lately; not that we'll be on our own for long, it seems everyone’s going to be here. Your lot, the Dingles and all the Bartons and a few others, Paddy and Rhona.”

“I wasn’t invited.”

“It was a last minute thing and I’m inviting you now; I told Vic that I’d be seeing you, so I said I’d pass on the message. You going to come over or what? We don’t have to stay too late; not sure though how I’m going to explain leaving again, I’ll probably have to sneak out.”

“I might just go home.”

I wasn't expecting this, he sounds odd, "You running scared at the thought of having me inside you or something? I promise I'll be gentle.” It’s quiet, he doesn’t say anything, “Robert are you okay?”

“I’m tired.”

“Come to the pub Robert; we won’t stay long.”

“I’ll see. I have to go.” I put the phone down on the bed and stare at it. I’m not quite sure what’s up, but something is. He never even mentioned me coming over later, which is definitely weird, especially after earlier. I brush off the thought that maybe he's regretting what he said.

.

It’s just after nine, so it doesn’t look like Robert’s coming to the pub and he's not texted. Whatever’s bugging him, I've decided I’ll leave him to it and stay here tonight, then go see him in the morning. Mum puts another pint down in front of me, smiling; I got here earlier, well before the others arrived, so we had some time together. For once I didn’t get the Spanish inquisition about her still not having met my boyfriend. I soon found out why though, she wanted to tell me she’s started seeing Martin, so she’s far too distracted with her own love life to be nosying into mine. Martin's even here tonight, 'meeting the family' as mum put it. I suppose this could be why Robert didn’t want to come to the pub, but I don’t really get it, if that is the reason.

I’m stood with Rhona at the bar watching Marlon and Paddy messing around; they're worse than kids, I never get bored of watching them when they’re like this. It's been a right laugh, pretty much everyone's here; the only person missing is Robert. I've been considering texting him or going over to his, but just as I decide not to, he walks in. He comes over and orders a pint. He puts his hand on my back a minute, which immediately sends shivers down my spine and whispers into my ear, “Sorry.”

I give him a look that says he's forgiven, but I will be getting a reason out of him at some point or other. We’re careful around each other, but it's a good night; all the families together. Andy and Robert seem to manage a conversation without killing each other, mum even smiled at him, but that’s probably because Martin is here. Martin seems an alright bloke, but mum doesn’t have the best of track records, so time will tell.

We leave a little before closing. Robert goes first, through the front door and I sneak out the back door ten minutes later after telling mum I was done in and off to bed. I get into Robert’s car where he’s been waiting and we go back to Home Farm. I spend so much time there, it’s like my second home now.

.

“Gently Aaron. Oh god, that hurts; you’re way bigger than your fingers.” I smirk at Robert biting down into the duvet, having just pushed inside him for the first time. Although we took a long time with the foreplay and I spent quite a bit of time loosening him up, that first time is always a challenge; it’s the not knowing what to expect. “Christ, it feels like you’re going to split me in two.”

I hold still and give him time to breathe and then start to move slowly inside him. He’s still biting down hard, but I soon sense the change in him as the pain is beginning to switch to pleasure and although he's still pulling a funny face, scrunching his eyes up, his body is telling me he likes it. I pick up speed and he starts to moan and moving with me. I turn him over onto his back; we won’t do anything too challenging with it being his first time bottoming, but that doesn’t mean it’s not as enjoyable. I hold his legs out and settle into a steady rhythm, then slow it down a little, going deeper as I start to stroke him with my hand. I like watching him, seeing the expressions on his face as he experiences all the different sensations for the first time. He's playing with his nipple with one hand, whilst running the other hand over his upper body. He feels so good, that after adjusting the angle a little, I push really deep. His eyes open wide and he lets out a gasp, but not from pain; I think I just found his spot and he seems to like it. He comes very quickly after this. I lick up the come from his tummy that he's not already rubbed in and touch his head slightly with my tongue, but he’s super sensitive; way more than normal.

Robert lies back recovering, watching as I jerk myself off over him. It doesn’t take me long and after wiping myself clean, I lie down beside him. It wasn’t our usual marathon of fucking, but he did okay for his first time with me inside him. He puts his arm around me, I snuggle up against him and nuzzle into his neck. Robert kisses my forehead, “I liked it. I wasn't sure I would, it’s another thing where I’m going to need some practice.”

“Well, if you can fit me in.....” He squeezes me, a wry smile on his face. “What did you mean this morning?

“When?”

“When you said you’d kind of done it before.”

“Hhmm, it’s embarrassing. You'll never let me live it down.”

“I don’t mind.”

“I’ll bet you don’t.” He kisses me. He’s gone all shy, which I don’t see too often, but I like it when I do. It reminds me that there’s an innocent boy side to him still; not just the mover and player that everyone sees. We shift so we’re laid on our sides facing each other, our bodies pretty much wrapped together. “If I tell you, you can’t tell another living soul for as long as you live.”

“I won’t. You know all my secrets.”

“This is the last of mine; after this you’ll know all of them. It’s really embarrassing, I know you’ll laugh at me.”

“I won’t and well if I do, I’ll be laughing with you, not at you.”

“No, you’ll be laughing at me, definitely at me.” He has the kind of look, like he can’t actually believe he’s going to tell me. “Okay, I'd gone on holiday for my twenty-first to the US with some friends and we ended up in San Francisco. They left and I stayed on a few days to do some sightseeing on my own.” Robert starts laughing and raises a hand to cover his face whilst shaking his head slightly, “I can’t believe I did this; I’ve never told anyone. I was in the hotel bar having a drink as you do, just minding my own business, when this guy came up next to me. He bought me a drink and we got talking. I’d only been with a man once at that point and it wasn’t exactly mind blowing, but I was still really curious and I knew I liked men as well as women. Whoever he’d been meeting must have been running very late or had chickened out, because well, we had a few drinks and it was obvious he thought I was there for him; as in he’d hired someone for the night and I didn’t say anything to make him think otherwise. He was good looking, seemed okay when we were talking, very expensive suit and he was staying in the hotel, so I thought what the hell, I’d take the risk. So anyway, we went up-to his room, or should I say suite; he had most of the top floor of the hotel. We had a couple more drinks; I wasn’t drunk, I knew exactly what I was doing when I went with him. I just got a lot more than I’d bargained for.” I look at him very intrigued now and Robert continues, “So he started to feel me up, which was fine and then he told me to strip, which was also fine. Hhmmh…..”

He stops, like he’s not quite sure how to tell me, “Go on… you can’t stop there now, it can’t be that bad.”

“Depends on your perspective. He ermm, well he was into the more kinky side of sex; he didn’t fuck me, but he had all these toys he used and he was into bondage, whips and things.” He’s right, I am laughing and he buries his face into my chest, crimson red with embarrassment. “See I told you, you’d laugh. I could have been damaged for life, traumatised from the experience.” I’m struggling to contain my giggles now: I have allsorts of pictures in my head of a young Robert like that and the mind boggles."

“It’s not funny Aaron, it hurt. He did pay a thousand dollars though, so in the end it was a free holiday, 'cept that I couldn't walk or sit down properly for days.”

Now I truly can't help myself, I'm rolling around in stitches, “Robert Sugden, who’d have known; United Captain, England Captain and bondage slave.”

“You’re so not funny.”

I do my best to stop laughing, “You didn’t try it again then?”

“Never, I’d do some of the softer stuff maybe, but the whips and all that, not really my thing. I’m not into pain, any kind of pain; you being inside me is about the max of my limits.”

“You've got to admit, that’s hilarious Robert." He looks mortified, "Don’t worry, you’re secret’s safe with me. Though if I win our bet, at least now I have some ideas for what I can do with you.”

Robert smirks at me and smacks my arse playfully, “I don’t think so, but I know what I can do with you right now Aaron Livesy.” Robert’s mouth works down my front and it’s not long until we’re making love once more.

.

Aaron, 30th December - 1st January

I’m watching the news with my tea when Robert comes down after his shower. He pours the coffee I made for him and I turn the sound down on the TV, “You going to tell me why you were so weird the other night on the phone? Is it because Martin’s seeing mum?”

He shrugs, “It’s just odd you know? I didn’t know they’d been seeing each other; it makes everything more complicated.”

“Them going out doesn’t have anything to do with us. They don't even know about us, so what's the problem?"

"I know about us; it makes me feel awkward."

"They probably won't last that long, though mum does seem pretty smitten.” I hesitate, because I've been meaning to talk to Robert about this since Boxing Day. Being in the pub with everyone the other night brought it home to me just how much I want to tell them about us. I want them to know that Robert’s an important part of my life and that we’re in love. I take a deep breath, “It was nice in the pub though, the other night I mean; together with everyone?”

“Same as always,” Robert picks up the paper, turning to the back pages for the sport. He’s not really paying attention, so I go lean over the table opposite him and pull it out of his hands.

Robert looks across at me as I stay leaning over on the table, “Why don't we tell them? I want to tell people about us.” Robert goes quiet and finishes the last of his coffee, “I don’t want to lie to our friends and family anymore; sneaking around like we’re doing something we shouldn’t. What do you think?”

He gets up and puts the kettle on, “I think we said we’d wait until after the New Year and then talk about it.”

I look at him, trying to work out what's really going on in that head of his, “You don’t want to?”

Robert looks irritated, “I didn’t say that, I just said we’d agreed to wait a little longer before we talked about it.”

“So we can talk about it…..? After the New Year?”

Now Robert sounds as well as looks irritated, “Yes. I said so, didn’t I?”

"Just so I'm clear, does that mean the day after tomorrow or even later?" I can't help my frustration showing because it sounds very much to me like he doesn't want to talk about it at all.

"I don't see the see the need to rush, don't go all female on me."

This and his uppity attitude makes me snap, "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"All clingy and needy; I thought you were different!"

I scoff at him, "Oh, I'm definitely different Robert." I hold my hands up in the air, giving in for now, but I'm far from happy and he knows it. I get up, with the sound of my chair scraping back the only noise cutting through the tension in the air. “Okay, we’ll talk after the New Year.” I look at the clock, “You’ll be late for training; I said I’d help up at the farm today. I’m staying at the pub tonight and tomorrow remember?”

“I remember.”

I sigh, he’s in a mood with me now. I pick up my keys to leave, “I’ll speak to you later okay?”

Robert’s looking distracted at the football highlights on the news and turns the volume up, “Robert?” I shake my head, he’s ignoring me on purpose and without giving him the usual kiss, I leave to go meet Adam; I’m not in the mood for Robert being all mardy.

.

I head up-to the farm, Pete is away and Moira asked me and Adam to help out for a couple of days, the scrapyard is shut over New Year anyway and the extra cash always comes in handy. Adam can tell I’m grumpy, but I feel better after taking out my frustration on the bales of hay I have to lug around, throwing them off the back of the trailer around the farm. By the time I’ve gone in for a brew, I’ve mostly calmed down.

On New Year’s Eve I’m on my own at the pub with mum and everyone. Robert’s going to some do he’s been invited to with some of his team mates and obviously I can’t go, so I’m at home at the pub. I actually don’t mind, but I don’t like that it’s just another reminder that we’re not like a regular couple and I want to be.

It’s late when I get in from Butlers. The reception up at the farm is patchy and I don’t check my phone until I get back to the pub. Surprise surprise he hasn’t called, he can be so stubborn at times; he’s worse than me. He doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get his own way. We don’t fall out very often, but when we do, he gets all moody and I get all wound up; with me usually being the one to make the first move. Well not this time, I’m still annoyed with him for blanking me and he’s upset me; he needs to realise this, so he can be the first one to call.

I don’t sleep very well; it’s the first time since we‘ve been seeing each other that we haven’t spoken on a night before going to sleep, when we’re not in the same bed. I’m not used to it anymore and it’s strangely unsettling. I’m determined not to give in though.

.

I spend New Years Eve helping out again on the farm and at night we all pile back into the pub, getting drunk the same as every other New Year’s Eve in Emmerdale. Robert still hasn't called or texted, the stubborn shit; so I gave in. I miss him too much to not talk for this long so I text Robert earlier in the evening and tell him I love him and hope he has a nice night. When I go to bed at one in the morning, not helped by all the alcohol, I cry myself to sleep. It hurt he hadn't even texted back.

I have a lie-in on New Year’s day, it’s almost eleven when I get up. I still haven’t had anything from Robert; I plod down into the kitchen and make some breakfast. Vic, mum and Diane are all sat round the table. Mum looks at my bleary face, “Tea’s in the pot love, you’ll feel better after a cuppa.”

I grunt a response and busy myself making some toast and pouring a tea. However, I’m distracted by the conversation, which appears to be about Robert.

Diane says, “Seems like he had a good time anyway.”

Mum laughs, “Since when does Robert Sugden not have a good time, he won’t ever change. If he ever settles down or gets married, I wouldn’t wish that onto my worst enemy. You’d never be able to trust him would you? I mean just look at those pictures; it’s like he can’t keep it in his trousers.”

I nearly spill my tea over at hearing this. I butter my toast and go sit with them at the table. I don’t know how I manage to keep calm, but I do, “What’s he done then?”

“Nothing. He’s entitled to do what he pleases, he’s single. Though looking at some of those pictures you wouldn’t think he’ll stay like that for long.” I look at Diane quizzically and Vic turns her tablet so I can see. They'd been looking at the gossip pages online and there were pictures of Robert from last night, with his arm around lots of different women and celebrities; nothing I’m not used to seeing. The two that catch my attention though are of him kissing some woman and not just a peck; they are full-on snogging and wandering hands. They weren't pictures he’d stood and posed for like the others, these were when he thought the camera wasn’t looking. He looks quite drunk, not that that makes it any better. What really does it, is the column underneath the pictures. It was all about Robert had been seen leaving her hotel room this morning and its all the gossip that this is the second night in a row he had spent with her and speculation that they are now a couple.

I make my excuses and take my tea and toast upstairs into my room.

.

I feel angry and hurt. How I can feel so humiliated when no-one even knew we were together; at least now I know. Now I know he won’t ever come out or be with me openly. I know Robert, I know he cares, but it’s not enough for him. He has this life and the crowd around him; he thrives on it, he loves the attention and how it makes him feel. I should have known that he wouldn’t ever give that up to be with someone like me. Why would he, when he can have all that; anyone and anything he wants, when he wants.

I’m boiling with rage; I can’t believe I was crying last night because he didn’t call or text me. So much for love and a future together; I was stupid and gullible after all, well fuck you Robert Sugden.

TBC


	11. Fix It Robert

Aaron, 1st January

After a quick shower, I get my keys and drive to Home Farm; thankfully Robert’s not there. With a bit of luck I can get in and out before he comes home, then I’ll put my key back through the letterbox. I start throwing my stuff into bin bags and am just about to go upstairs with the last one, when he comes through the door, but I ignore him and carry on going up to the bedroom.

He follows, trying to talk to me, “It’s not what it looks like Aaron. It’s not what you think.”

I go round collecting my things as if I’d not heard him. Robert grabs my arm, but I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to see him. My fist connects with his face and he falls back, hitting the door, before landing on the floor; I hope it hurt. I stand over him, struggling to control the anger, “I reckon the females you’ve had don’t punch quite like that ey?” I go back downstairs, before I do something I really regret and am on my way out when Robert catches up-to me.

Robert slams the door shut before I manage to open it fully, “At least give me a chance to explain.” I glower at him angrily. It takes all my willpower not to lose it, but I nod and go into the kitchen. I lean against the cupboards, arms folded and wait for him to talk. “I was planning on coming home last night. I was going to sneak in to be with you at the pub, but Rachel needed a favour to get her ex off her back. We just made it look like I slept with her; nothing happened. I wanted to call you last night to explain already, but I lost my phone so I didn’t have anyone’s number. I’m useless without my phone, you know me.”

“Is that it, that’s the best you can do? You lost your phone and you just expect me to believe that nothing happened?” I pull a face, “Pub’s in the phonebook, internet....., I’m sure that fancy hotel would have helped you out and what about the night before? Why we’re you even at the hotel that night?“

“I went out with Tom and it was just easier than coming home; you'd already planned to be at the pub both nights.”

I sneer in disgust, “You’ll be telling me this is all my fault next.”

Robert's eyes flash with annoyance, “That’s not what I meant, don’t twist my words. I didn’t even know she was there the night before; I didn’t sleep with her, I promise you I didn’t. I'll call the hotel, they’ll confirm we had separate rooms. I didn't ring the pub last night because I thought it would look suspicious to Chas and Diane; I thought once I explained, that you'd understand.” Separate rooms mean nothing; I would probably believe him if it wasn't for the other stuff. I can usually tell when he's lying, or I thought I could until now.

.

I sigh and let out a half laugh, “I don’t care if you slept with her or not, it doesn’t matter. They all told me what you were like, it serves me right for not listening. You know, I put up with all the pictures and you letting people fawn all over you whenever you went out, because I trusted you; but I draw the line at pictures plastered everywhere of you eating some woman’s face off and your hands all over each other. Was that all part of the plan too?“

From the look of him, Robert didn’t know he’d been caught on camera with his tongue down her throat. He doesn’t say anything immediately and I shake my head sadly as I watch his shock turn into the realisation that this is why I'm so angry; the guilt is written all over his face. “No that was earlier; I got drunk. I made a mistake Aaron.”

“Oh that’s alright then, if it was just a drunken mistake.” I can’t hide the bitterness and hurt from my voice. I’d been trying so hard not to cry; I didn’t want him to see, but I can’t help it and I feel a tear run down my cheek as I walk out of the kitchen.

“Aaron please.....”

“I don’t want to know.” I go back into the hall picking up the bin bag.

Robert comes after me and reaches out to stop me but I avoid him, “Aaron, I was being a knob the other day, I know; I didn’t want talk about...., about....”

My voice is raised and full of hurt, “About what Robert? Telling the truth, telling people you’re in love with me. Oh but wait, you’re not; because if you were, then you wouldn’t have gone anywhere near her.” Robert reaches out for me again, but I bat his hand away as I become more menacing, “Keep away from me Robert; touch me and you won’t be in any fit state to play tomorrow.” He backs off knowing I mean it and this time he lets me leave; tears now falling freely down my face.

.

I get back to the pub, the tears have stopped, but I’m still fuming. I sit a while in the car until I’ve calmed down enough to go inside; when I do, I go straight into the bar and order some food and a pint. I’ve left my stuff in the car, I’ll sort it later when no-one’s looking. “Blimey, three days in a row. You split up with this bloke you’ve been seeing or something?” As soon as she’s said it, mum realises that’s exactly what’s happened, “Oh love, I’m so sorry. You really seemed different with this one; not that we got to judge him for ourselves mind.“

I give mum a look and she stops talking, but not for long. “I’m going out into town tonight with Martin if you want to tag along for some company.“ I don’t even bother answering and go sit down in the far corner out of the way with the paper. I’m not really reading; I don’t want to talk to anyone, but I don’t want to be on my own either. My phone goes, I let it go to voicemail seeing it’s the Home Farm number but I listen to his message after. Robert’s apologising, saying he loves me and asking to see me; like that’s gonna happen any time soon. He says he wants to explain properly, whatever that means. I switch my phone off and decide to get drunk.

.

Robert, 2nd Jan

Aaron’s been ignoring all my calls since yesterday. I know I need to give him some time to calm down, but I have to permanently fight the urge to jump in the car and drive to the pub. I promised myself I would give him until tomorrow. I’d heard stories of him hitting out when he was younger, he’d even told me himself he could be unpredictable when he’s angry; well he wasn’t wrong there. That doesn’t stop me from being shocked he’d lashed out like that at me. When we make love we’re the same, intense, passionate and we can’t stop until we’re both completely spent; but it’s clear we are polar opposites how we deal with our emotions when we’re upset. I hold it in, he let’s it out.

I pull up outside the club; we’re playing at home today and I brace myself as I walk in. I have bruising just under my eye and a small gash just above the other where I’d hit the door handle. The team and coaching staff always eat together mid morning before the game where the boss already starts his talk on how we play; tactics and motivation. Well I’m going to need some of that today, that’s for sure.

I ignore the looks I get in reception and go into the restaurant. Tom along with the rest of them stare at me as I walk in and sit down, “Jesus Suggers, what the heck happened to you?” I don’t fight; they all know that. I never let anyone wind me up on the pitch, I’m the one who calms things down and uses it against the opposition by just playing even better football. Aaron, however is not a game of football; if he were my life would be much simpler.

I let out a sigh. Before I can answer, I get called over by the boss and we go into a quiet side room.

.

“Anything you want to tell me?”

“No.”

“This wasn’t Andy was it?” He surprises me asking this.

“No.” I pull a face to emphasise the point.

“Is it to do with this new woman of yours, I hear her ex has a temper? Don’t for a minute think I’m going to buy you walking into a door.”

“I didn’t. I got punched and then I hit the door handle on the way down. It’s not really any of your business though is it boss?” I can’t hide my irritation.

Martin studies me a moment, “I want you checked out by the doc before you play; maybe he can help you with that attitude whilst he’s at it.” I stay silent, he looks at me long and hard, before softening, “Off you go then.” I like Martin, I always have and we get on well away from the club; but he’s still my boss at the end of the day, never even mind he’s seeing Chas. Going back into the restaurant, the others seem to think better of asking questions; the stone-faced look deterring them. Tom tried, but I told him to drop it and he did, for now at least.

I got the all clear from the doctor to play, but it was a terrible game for me; I couldn’t seem to get anything right and I got substituted ten minutes into the second half. I didn’t hang around to watch and went straight down the tunnel, into the changing rooms and had a bath. I sink my head under the water and try to relax, but I can’t. I need to mend things with Aaron. I’ve never before let my life off the pitch affect my game on it....., until now. I used to ask myself all the time, why Aaron, but I stopped trying to work it out with reason; I just know I love him and now I’ve screwed it up.

.

It's very unusual for me not to stay out on the bench after being substituted, even when I've not played well; more so after my bath, I still don't go back out and watch. Instead I go into the players lounge and order a whiskey; double. I go to the window and stare out, not really looking at anything in particular; I need to think, I need to find a way to get Aaron to listen to me. This requires a second double; I’m aware of the looks I’m getting from the bar staff, but I don’t care. I hardly notice as everyone starts piling in after the game. They seem to have the good sense to leave me alone with my thoughts, that is until Tom comes over, “The boss wants to see you.” I nod, I knew he would and I down the last of my whiskey. Tom catches my arm, “Robert, you’re okay right, you’d tell me if something was wrong?”

“I’m fine, just something I need to sort out.” He looks at me as though he doesn’t quite believe me, “I’m okay Tom, I promise.”

.

I go into the boss’ office where he’s waiting for me, “What’s going on Robert?” I don’t answer. “Today you played the worst game I’ve ever seen you play in your entire career.”

I don’t think I disagree on that point, but I don’t know what to say, “Sorry boss.”

“Do I need to be worried Robert?” If it was just case of a bad game, he wouldn’t be reacting like this; but a bruised face and me not talking, is in Martin's book, cause for concern. Things like this don’t happen to me; despite my smart mouth, I always walk away unscathed and unaffected.

“No.”

“Because we have some big matches coming up and I need you to be on top of your game. When you don’t play well, the rest of the team feed off that.” We lost 1-3 today, not a good result at home against bottom of the table. We’ve had a really good season so far and are still three points clear at the top, so this was an upset and the finger is pointing at me for the dismal performance today. “I need you to do your job and today you didn’t. Fix it Robert....., whatever shit you’ve got going on, fix it.”

“I will, I won’t let you down again boss.”

“Go home okay, sort your head out.” I get up to leave, “Make sure someone drives you, you’re over the limit.” I grimace; there are no secrets in this place for long.

.

Aaron, 3rd January

“Yes Adam, I’m not five.”

“Way you’ve been banging around the place I’m not too sure. There'll be someone to meet you and help you load up. Drive safe and I told them that you’d be there on the dot at six tomorrow, so do not be late.”

I glare at Adam, “I know; this is half my business too, so don’t treat me like the hired help.”

“Fine, but yesterday you screwed up big time, so forgive me if I’m a little concerned. We’ve got a contract riding on the back of this, so don’t mess it up.”

“I won’t, have some faith.”

Adam puts his coat on, “I do okay, otherwise I’d be going and you staying here. Right, I’m off home to go cook a surprise tea for my wife and I'll see you when you get back." Adam hesitates at the door, "You’re sure you want to go over tonight on your own? If we set off mega early tomorrow, we can go together.”

I grin at Adam, “No, I'm good; you just take care not to poison Vic.” Adam's cooking always ends with mixed results, but you have to give him points for trying. I can’t hide the fact I’m jealous, not of Vic, but of what they have together. I thought I’d found that with Robert, but I was wrong. Adam grins back at me and then leaves me to myself.

Now on my own, I relax sorting my stuff out before setting off. Getting away overnight will do me good; no one pecking at me every two minutes, checking I’m alright or nagging.

.

Finally ready to leave, I set off, but have to slam on the breaks before I even get out of the gate. Robert is blocking my way, hands on the front of the truck and a determined look in his eyes. I glare at him and rev the engine, but he doesn’t move. I’m tempted to drive him over, but I think better of it; he’s not worth going to prison for. I rev the engine once more and inch the truck forward, but he still doesn’t budge from in front of me. “Get out of the way Robert, not going to tell you again.”

“We need to talk.”

“No we don’t and there’s somewhere I have to be.”

“Then I’m coming with you.”

I scoff at him, “Not if you value your life you’re not.”

“Well see.” He moves and as I drive off he gets in the passenger door which I hadn’t thought to lock. I curse myself, but decide to continue driving. If he wants a trip out into the country, he can sleep in the back where there’s no heating; it’s supposed to be well below freezing tonight and I wasn’t planning on forking out for a hotel.

The silence between us is deafening at first, but the next time I glance across, he’s asleep; he looks so adorable with his mouth half open. I shake my head, irritated with myself that I still want him. I should just push him out; no-one would notice up here in the middle of nowhere as we drive through the darkness of the Yorkshire dales.

I don’t know if he felt me staring or not, because he wakes up. He rubs his eyes and rests his feet up on the dash, legs bent at the knees and looks across at me. I swear there is the hint of a smile, “So where we going then?

“Hawes, pick up some scrap first thing. Do a good job and we get a contract.”

.

It goes quiet until Robert starts up again, “I love you Aaron.”

I don’t want to hear his excuses, but if it gets him off my back, then now’s as good a time as any; at least we won’t get disturbed, “You got a funny way of showing it. You’re so full of shit Robert. You didn’t have the guts to tell me you’re happy to just keep me as your secret on the side or did you think I'd finish it, giving you the easy way out?”

“That’s not how it was; I didn’t mean to kiss her.”

I snort in disbelief, “One, it looked a little more than just kissing and two, stop lying Robert; people only ever see what you want them to see, you knew exactly what you were doing.”

“Believe me if I wanted to finish things, I’d have no problem to do it to your face; that’s what I do remember, a new one every week....., until I met you.” A silence hangs in the air. “Just so I’m clear, I'm not lying. Aaron, I want people to know just as much as you do, but this just proves why we should wait. You see what a deal it is in the media when they think I’m with someone. What do you think is going to happen when they find out about us, that I’m with a man, the first openly out footballer outside the lower leagues. Not just gay, but bi; everyone will expect me to be some role model. I don’t want to be a role model. I don’t want to come out; I just want to play football and be with you.”

.

I see a sign for a lay-by and pull in, stopping the engine. “You don't get it do you? There is no 'us' anymore and you already are a role model, whether you like it or not; both on and off the pitch." I pull a face and lay on the sarcasm, "Not a particularly good one off the pitch. I mean you never had any issue with promoting casual sex by screwing your way across most of Europe with anyone half famous that took your fancy and we both know you love having the in-crowd all over you, with your picture everywhere. It makes you feel good." Robert looks at me and is about to say something, but I cut him off, my voice full of vehemence, "You want to know what I think of you? I think you’re a self centred, egotistical, closeted twat who doesn’t deserve to be loved.” I need some fresh air and I get out of the cab.

Robert follows, slamming the door, agitated, “You know what, fuck you. Yes I have my picture in the mags with lots of women, but even before I met you, you never saw me letting them stay in my house and if I slept with them, they never woke up with me in the morning, you do. I left as soon as I’d slept with them and I never saw anyone long term except Isa and you already know that was a lie. I give the journos what they need to sell copy, but you’ve never once seen anything about my house, my life or my family because no-one’s ever been in my home and I keep that part of my life private for me; the media know this. It’s a game Aaron, it’s a game and I’m good at it.”

“I’m not interested in playing your games Robert or anyone else’s come to that. I was kidding myself that we could work. You might think you love me, but I’m not sure you even know what love is.”

Robert sounds increasingly frustrated, “We do work and I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. The press make things up, it’s what they do Aaron.”

This gets my back up, I raise my voice angrily and have to force myself to unclench my fists, “They didn’t make those pictures up, you were practically having sex with her.”

“I fucked up, I screwed up and I admit it. I got scared Aaron, I’m scared about how I feel about you and I don’t know if I can protect you.”

I scoff at him bitterly, “The only thing I need protecting from is you.” Robert tries to come and hold me, but I push him away roughly and he falls back, landing awkwardly. He is so not my problem. I get back into the cab and start the engine; I take a quick look in the mirror, where I see him getting up and I drive off. I didn’t want him here with me in the first place, he can get himself home.

TBC


	12. What Took You So Long?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert becomes concerned at his situation and Aaron considers his options.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For non UK readers: sat nav = GPS (short for satellite navigation)

Robert, 3rd January

“Aaron....., Aaron.....” I stop yelling upon seeing the breaklights on the truck disappear as Aaron follows the road round the bend. “Fucking hell.” Despite being slap bang in the middle of the road, I have to drop down onto the tarmac and rest back on my elbows. I tilt my head upwards and close my eyes, giving into the pain shooting through my ankle, which is so bad I actually have to lie back properly on the road for a minute. If a car came round the bend now it would most likely kill me. Being pretty much in the middle of no-where, fortunately at this time of night, there’s no traffic. I had fallen backwards at a funny angle and turned over on my ankle when I had tried to break my fall. As soon as I had put any weight on it and tried to get back up, the pain was excruciating.

I open my eyes and consider my predicament. I shudder involuntarily, the damp from the icy road is beginning to seep through my clothes. The boss will kill me, that’s if this freezing cold doesn’t first; I can’t stay long out here like this, that’s for sure. I had been holding my phone in my hand, but dropped it when Aaron shoved me, I think there’s a chance I even stood on it when I had tried getting up. I scrabble around until I find it and put it into my pocket, then drag myself over to the banking at the side of the road. I’m not quite ready for my life to be cut short from being run over by some unsuspecting driver; I can just see the headlines now. I wonder if Aaron would miss me.

I fish my phone back out. It lights up as normal, but the face is all cracked and when I try tapping something into it, nothing happens. “Flamin’ marvellous, come on you shitty thing.” I only bought it new yesterday; no matter what I do, I can’t get it to dial a number or bring up any function that’s of help to me and for the first time I feel a tinge of panic. Except for the light shining from the screen, it’s pretty much useless; I can’t even get the bloody torch light on it to work. This was not quite what I had in mind when I got into Aaron’s truck earlier; I can’t believe he’s just driven off and left me here. It’s pitch dark, in the middle of god knows where; I mean I have a general idea where I am, but not exactly. I try to think how far back that last village we passed through is, not that it’s going to be a lot of use to me if I can hardly walk.

I’m already shaking quite badly and I start to feel about on the banking for anything I can use as a support. Eventually I find something and it’ll just have to do; I am acutely aware of the cold now and how tired I suddenly feel. With a lot of effort and pain, I haul myself up and start hobbling down the road.

.

Aaron, 3rd January

I pull over to the side of the road after driving probably about a mile or so; I’m still angry but less than before. There’s just the sound of the engine ticking over as I decide if I keep driving or turn back for him. Knowing Robert he’ll have called some friend with a helicopter to come and get him. I can’t help feel guilty though for having just abandoned him like that. I think back to that night with Jackson, how dark it had been on the road when he had driven off. Circumstances tonight are very different but I’m not going to be responsible for another boyfriend’s death, ex boyfriend....., and although a part of me wants to just keep driving and leave him there, I can’t. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to him and I wouldn’t survive going through all that pain again. Reluctantly I turn the truck round and head back to where I had left him.

When I get close to where I think we had been, I slow down. It really is very dark out and I realise I haven’t seen any other traffic pass; it is fairly remote out here. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to call, but when I look at my phone I don’t have any reception. I start muttering, partly to try and stop myself worrying, ”Shit, why the hell couldn’t you have just stayed away Robert, you always have to be in control of everything.“

I stop at the lay-by where I had pulled in earlier, but there’s no sign of him and I begin to feel very uncomfortable. Back in the truck again I keep going, this time with the headlights on full beam and driving much slower than usual. It’s not long before I see him and I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I reach him, I get out and run over to him, “Robert?”

I have to smile when he realises it’s me, “About Fucking time, what took you so long?” I pull him up off the ground and with his arm around my shoulder, I get him over and into the cab of the truck. He’s shaking with the cold and I can see just how pale he is when I sit him in the passenger seat.

I get into the drivers side, “We need to get you to a hospital.”

Robert turns onto his side looking at me as we drive off, both of us ignoring the fact he isn’t wearing his seat belt, “No.” I look across at him. “You have a first aid box in this thing?” I nod. “Just find us somewhere warm to stay and we can strap up my ankle ourselves.” I’m about to object, but he closes his eyes looking exhausted; I decide not to argue and set the sat nav to go to the closest hotel it has listed.

.

We pull into the car park, the truck's not too big that they will object I don’t think. I switch off the engine and shake Robert’s arm, “We’re here, how d’you want to do this?”

Robert opens his eyes and checks out the building which is a medium sized country pub hotel; it looks quite posh though. “See if they have a room first, get the key and you can help me sneak in without being seen through the back to avoid going through the main part if we can. Watch out for where their surveillance cameras are.”

“Sounds like you’ve done this before?”

“Once or twice, not quite like this though.”

I see a weak smile on his face, but force myself not to feel any sympathy for him, “This doesn’t mean you're forgiven, or that we’re okay; I’m just not going to be responsible for you dying out here.” I slam the door without waiting for a response and head inside.

Waiting in reception, I consider getting us a room each, but I need to make sure he’s okay, so I get us a double which is all they have left anyway. I feel a little out of place in my works clothes, but the receptionist doesn’t comment. It’s upmarket but fortunately not too posh, but it’s definitely a lot nicer than I would ever stay in unless for a really special occasion.

After going up to the room and checking the place out a little, I go back down for Robert and bring him up-to the room with me. I think we managed to avoid being seen by anyone and kept his face so the camera in the car park wouldn’t pick him up. Once in the room, we spend the next hour strapping up his ankle and cleaning him up.

.

Robert hides in the bathroom when the waiter brings the room service we had ordered, ”There you go Mr Dingle.” Robert gives me an odd look after pulling his tray towards him on the bed. “It’s what I booked you in as, Robert Dingle.”

He doesn’t look amused, saying “Hhmmh.” We eat pretty much in silence, except for Robert making odd noises from time to time from the pain when he moves his leg.

I've been downstairs to get us another couple of pints after we finish eating. Back in the room, I hand Robert his, “Sorry....., I shouldn’t have left you there like that.” He doesn’t say anything, but just keeps staring at the telly which is on quietly in the background “Will it be okay? Your ankle I mean.”

Now he looks at me, “Yeah, it should feel a lot better tomorrow, but it’ll take a few days to get right. I might miss the next game.” He puts the pint down and lies back across the bed, rubbing his forehead with his hand tiredly, “After Saturday though, that might not be a bad thing.”

I look at him, not sure what he means; he glances back over at me, “I played really badly and we lost to bottom of the table, I got taken off early in the second half.”

I smile, “My day wasn’t any better. I had a bad hangover and went to the portacabin to get some peace and quiet. I caught up on some work but cancelled the wrong collection upsetting one of our best customers. Adam normally deals with him, so I got it in the neck from both Adam and the customer.” Robert half smiles at me, before it goes quiet between us once more.

.

Robert has shifted up the bed and is sitting upright against the pillows as I drop down onto the floor his side of the bed, leaning back against the wall. I can’t stop loving him in spite of everything. I need to understand, “So why? Why do something like that when you knew it would hurt me? And don’t blame it on being drunk Robert, because I know you better than that remember.”

He doesn’t answer immediately. He takes a deep breath and pauses before looking at me; I can see the regret in his face, “I’d overheard some people at the party saying stuff about gay footballers, nothing bad, but it made me remember how I was when I didn’t have to think about being careful about anything or worrying what people might say about us if they knew. I just wanted to have fun and forget about everything for a few hours. Rachel threw herself at me and I let her; it was like I used to be before.....,”

“Before me?”

“Yes. Aaron I didn’t sleep with her, on my dad’s grave I swear I didn’t and nothing happened more than those photos and I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want her, I didn’t want anyone there. I wanted to be with you and I wasn’t; I should have just come home like I intended but I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“You were pretty full on in those pictures Robert. If you'd not been caught on camera, would you have told me?”

“Not straightaway probably, but I think I would have done, given time. You have a habit of finding things out or I admit to things I would never have to anyone else before.” I believe him, I don’t know if it’s naive but I think I know Robert well enough and I believe him. “Can you forgive me and give us another chance?”

“I don’t know, I mean where do we go from here?”

Robert looks over at the clock, “Your pick up is early right?”

“Yeah, at six, should be done ready to set off back home around eight.”

“It's getting late and I’m really tired. Why don’t we just sleep, you do your pick up tomorrow, drop it all in Emmerdale then come back here with some overnight stuff. Let’s stay another night and talk. I’ll call the boss, tell him I need a day; its not as though he didn’t already lecture me and told me to fix my shit.”

“He said that?”

“Yes, they’re not stupid, they know something is up with me. Please Aaron, we need to talk properly, but not tonight.”

I think about it for a minute, “Okay. I’ll work something out with Adam.” I go for a wash and when I come back out, Robert is already under the duvet and has turned the lights off except for my bedside. He’s laid down and I can feel him watching me. I had considered sleeping on the floor, but I’m too tired and I have to be up by five thirty at the latest. I take my jeans off and climb into bed, sitting up whilst I set the alarm on my phone. It will feel weird to be in the same bed, but not hugged close together. “I’ve set the alarm for early, Adam will kill me if I turn up late.” I look back at Robert. My anger has gone and I suddenly feel this wave of emotion for him. I’m not sure what this means for our future, but after turning the light off, I curl up against him; I just want to feel him next to me. I know Robert feels the same as he wraps his arm around me and we go to sleep.

TBC


	13. One Step At A Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert talk things through.

Robert, 4th January

Aaron left early, but stopped back at the hotel before driving to Emmerdale to give me Martin’s number and a bacon butty. He sorted with reception to stay the extra night and also told them I wasn’t feeling too well, so not to bother cleaning the room. I rang Martin from the phone in the room and actually asked for two days. He agreed, but made it clear when I came back he expected me to be on form. I didn’t say anything to this really; how I’ll be will all depend on how things go with Aaron, but I couldn’t tell him that.

Alone in the hotel, dosed up with the last of the painkillers from the first aid kit I slept quite a lot. When I woke early afternoon Aaron is already back, sitting in the chair watching me quietly with a tea. “You want some fresh air, get out of here for a while?”

I wipe my eyes and sit up, “I need a coffee first but yes, if I can walk enough; it would be nice to get out for a bit.” I gingerly test my foot on the floor and it’s a lot less painful than last night, but it still hurts like crap. "Did you bring those anti-inflammatories I wanted from the house?"

Aaron nods and hands me the box, looking a little concerned as I hobble around testing what it feels like to walk. “You sure you don’t need a doctor?”

I shake my head, “No, I've had worse.” I’ve been over on my ankle enough to know it’s nothing more than a twist and as long as I rest it, I’ll be fine, “Shouldn’t walk on it too much though.” I actually shouldn’t walk on it at all, but the fresh air will be good and I’ll need a clear head if I’m to have any chance of talking Aaron round.

“We won’t. Aysgarth Falls are only a few minutes from here, it should be fairly quiet at this time of year.”

I spend some time reinforcing the strapping on my ankle a little better with some of the other stuff I'd asked Aaron to bring back with him and then get changed. We head out, but only after I've wrapped myself up so well in my coat, hat, scarf and gloves, that even Aaron would struggle to recognise me if he hadn't known.

.

I wasn’t taking any notice last night of where we had come, but the hotel is in Aysgarth village. We slowly follow the path to the falls, me limping along beside Aaron. It’s icy in parts and I grab his arm at one point; he looks at me steadily for a moment without saying anything, then takes my hand and holds it the rest of the way. Aaron was right, it’s not far and we stop at a bench to sit down overlooking the river and the falls. The sun is shining, making it warm enough for as long as it stays out; there are a few people about walking, but we're on our own where we are.

I look at Aaron nervously, “Do you believe me?”

Aaron answers immediately, “Yes.” I feel myself relax, however my relief is short lived, “That doesn’t mean I can forgive you.”

I stare down at my feet, “So what now then?”

“I have to be able to trust you and then there’s the whole thing around I don’t want to lie to our family and closest friends about us. It doesn’t mean I want the whole world to know, but you can’t be the only footballer in the League or the Premiership who likes men; they must find a way somehow. It just feels sometimes like you’re ashamed of being with me.”

I’m shocked he even thinks that, “No, never; don’t ever say that. I love you and I don’t care if the whole world knows, but I do care about protecting you.”

.

I look at Aaron and turn slightly to the side so I can see him better; I take a deep breath, “Okay, so hear me out before you say anything; I was thinking about this a lot the last few days. We need to be good again first and really sure; we need to trust each other completely before we tell anyone. If I stop going out people will ask questions and dig around more and anyway I want you to feel a part of my life away from Emmerdale. People in the village know we spent a lot of time together fixing the bike and that we are friendly, so people won’t question us going out together there; but going out with the team and being a part of that whole social scene could be very in your face if it’s just you.” I try to gauge Aaron’s expression, but he’s not giving anything away, “What I was thinking though, is if it were you, Adam and Andy altogether with me, then nobody would focus on you or suspect we are anything more than just a group of family and friends from my home village. This way you get to come out with us and meet my friends with no pressure. I need to build bridges with Andy away from Katie somehow anyway. We’ll mix more with the lads and I’ll try keep ‘fawning’ females at a distance.” Aaron shakes his head slightly, but there is definitely a hint of a smile. “I promise absolutely no kissing of anyone except you, not even a peck on the cheek.”

I pause because I need to make something really clear to him, ”You do know that what happened the other night is the only time I’ve kissed anyone else since we’ve been together? It was the one and only time Aaron, I promise it won’t ever happen again.” Aaron nods very slightly. “Okay, so then if we’re still settled and happy, on my 30th birthday in April, we have a small do at Home Farm and tell our close friends and family, just the people we trust.”

.

I can see him considering all this. Aaron gets up and walks about, now and again stopping and stubbing his right boot into the ground. After a bit, he turns to me, “So you wouldn’t tell anyone outside them?”

“I think we should go one step at a time. If we decide to tell more people so everyone knows then we’ll need to be sure we are both prepared for what that means and the whole media shitstorm that will come with it.”

Aaron turns his back to me and stares out over the water rushing down the river. I keep quiet watching him, not knowing if this a good or bad sign, but eventually he comes and sits back down. I try to explain, “You have a record, stuff that is public information and we would need to find a way to deal with the press on that; you can’t just punch them and then not expect to see it all over the front pages. I can’t protect you from yourself Aaron. I’m hardened to all this, being with me out openly will bring a lot of pressure until things settled down and people will go out of their way to wind you up and try to provoke you; either for a story or because they're jealous. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I know how it works and trust me, it will be full on because of who I am and what I do." I pause, resting my hand on his neck, stroking slightly with my fingers; Aaron is looking at me intently as I continue, "We need to be sure we can cope with that, both of us. I have no idea how fans will react; this is a big deal in the media, to be the first premiership footballer to come out. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is. Why do you think no-one has already, because it scares them shitless. It scares me and I already get my fair share of abuse from the stands. Playing for United has its down sides and if I have a bad game or England lose, it doesn’t matter if I have a good game or not, I also cop it then because I’m captain. This would give them way more ammunition. Then there’s the Euros, they start in June, so it would also be something much bigger to manage; some countries are more open than others. I would at least wait until after that for sure before we even begin to discuss making it public, assuming we want to.” I feel like I’ve been talking forever. Aaron shoves his hands in his pockets and is deep in thought but doesn’t say anything. “What do you think? You don’t need to decide now, if you want more time.”

.

Aaron puts his hand on mine a moment before getting up; he glances down at me and then wanders a way up the path alongside the river. He eventually turns to make his way back and perches sideways on the arm of the bench, with his feet resting up on the seat, “Okay.”

“Okay as in okay or okay you need more time?”

“Okay as in okay; but the places you go to are usually out of Adam and Andy’s price range and mine come to that.” He sits back down properly on the bench, next to me.

“Not really once you’re inside, I can cover getting in places and quite a lot of the time we get in for free. We go to normal pubs and bars as well you know, it’s not all champagne and cocktails. I know I’m going to have to find a way to soften Andy up,” I grin at Aaron, “I might need your help on that with him.”

“Maybe.”

I go more serious and after a quick look round to make sure there's no-one nearby, I lean over and stroke my hand through his hair, “You’re sure?” Our eyes are locked and as always I’m blown away by the blue of Aaron’s eyes and how gorgeous they are, how gorgeous he is.

It feels like he can see into my soul when he’s like this, “Yes, I’m sure, but if you cheat on me again, even with just a kiss, we’re done for good; no more chances.”

I kiss him before he can say anything else, then sliding closer to him I put my hands either side of his face and we kiss with more urgency. I pull out before we get too carried away and look around us again to check no one’s seen, pulling my scarf back up over my nose and mouth. I look guiltily back to Aaron, “Sorry....., habit. We’re going to have to be careful when we’re out, you know that right?”

Aaron nods, “I know. As however, Sir is today hiding behind that great big awful scarf, would you care to take my hand? I wouldn't want to be responsible for the England captain getting even more injured.”

I’m grinning as I tug my hat down over my ears to keep them warm, "And what about the United captain?"

Aaron answers smirking, "Oh, he can break a leg."

I smack Aaron’s arm, "Oi, muppet."

"Joking, joking; it was a joke."

"Did anyone ever tell you you're not funny. If I fall now you'll be making it up-to me in sexual favours for a very long time to come." Aaron pulls a face at me as I take hold of his outstretched hand and we start to walk back to the hotel; the sun going in has made it feel very cold, “It’s your birthday tomorrow. I didn't get chance to buy you anything because I thought I had time today still. We can do something if you want? I told the boss I needed two days because my ankle’s going to need longer and I didn’t mention anything about that to him, so I’m not going into training until Wednesday now.”

Aaron shrugs, “We’re here tonight. Let’s just go home tomorrow and spend it together there. I’ll have to go to the pub at some point to see mum. Is that okay?”

“Your birthday, we can do whatever you want.”

“Really, whatever I want?”

I start to laugh, “Why.....,? What do you have in mind?”

“Mmmh, you’ll have to wait and see.”

.

Robert, 5th January

We’re back home by lunchtime and go into the pub for something to eat. It feels kind of strange walking in together, but people need to get used to the idea we are friends. Andy is in already and we sit with him after ordering. Aaron goes to talk to his mum for a while and I attempt conversation with Andy. Let’s just say it’s going to take time, but when it’s just the two of us without Katie, it’s definitely easier. I even offer to help out during lambing in the Spring; if the boss found out about that, he would definitely kill me. A week with no sleep is not what he expects from his multi-million pound players.

Aaron comes back over when food arrives. Apparently it's already been on the news that I’ve missed training for personal reasons and Andy had said there was some press hanging around the village yesterday, so when we're done I ask Andy to drop me off home just in case, but there's no-one around Home Farm that I could tell when we get there. I ring Aaron and he drives up not long after, having lied to Chas that he's staying over in Hotten with friends. I had to call Tom and Isa when I got in anyway; they had both been trying to get hold of me, leaving several messages on the house phone. Tom always calls Isa when he worries about me; he thinks she gets more talk out of me than he does when something’s wrong. That’s not quite true, I just share out what I tell them and leave out with both of them what I don’t want either of them to know. They both seem to like to mother me; apparently I need it, according to them anyway. I can’t wait to introduce Aaron to them properly.

I kiss Aaron when he comes into the kitchen, wrapping my arms around his waist, "Do you actually have any friends in Hotten?"

"A couple from school, but no-one I see regular."

I go sit at the table, Aaron watching me play with my smashed up phone to take the SIM out, "I need to get another new phone; at this rate I'll have to start buying bulk."

"What, no freebie contract to promote the newest in-thing?"

"Idiot and no, no freebie contract." I smirk at him, "I got a better deal on the watch instead." Aaron gives me a withering stare.

Aaron’s idea of birthday fun is my idea of hell and not exactly what I’d had in mind earlier either. I’m sure he’s done this on purpose, making me watch all the Die Hard movies back to back; he knows I hate them. He also knows I'll get my revenge one way or another. For today, I’m just happy we are back home in one piece and together. I know Aaron will need time to trust me completely again, but I won’t let him down and I won’t be kissing anyone else ever again. The one thing I am clear about after the last few days is I love him very much and I know deep down that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, so I’ll wait and do whatever it takes for that to happen. I’ll keep these thoughts to myself for now though. If I told him, I think he’d run a mile; Aaron’s not used to planning that far ahead. I smile to myself and kiss his neck, then close my eyes as I snuggle up against him on the sofa and do my best to zone out the droning on of Bruce Willis and Co.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone has had a happy Christmas, best wishes for 2016.
> 
> Many thanks for all the kind and motivating comments so far, they mean a lot.
> 
> It's taken me much longer than usual to get to the angst, but you might want to hold onto your hats for the next few chapters....  
> Enjoy  
> Caro


	14. A Certain Favour

Aaron, Early February

The anticipation is hanging between us as we say our goodbyes to Tom, Lucy, Vic and Adam. Although Andy and Robert are building bridges slowly, Katie is proving a much tougher challenge, so they didn’t come. I have my coat on, having had to pretend I am also leaving after we’d all spent the evening at Home Farm. Lucy is expecting again, so she's driving and they'll drop Vic and Adam off on their way home; I said it was too cramped in her car and would walk instead.

I close the door and lean against it, swaying slightly, giving Robert the come on. We’ve been teasing each other subtly most of the night; now the others are gone, we are free to play. Robert locks the door and kisses me passionately, his eyes filled with lust and desire as I continue to tease him, “What if I want to go home to sleep?”

“Mmh hmm, nope, you’re mine, all mine and this is your home.”

“Awwww.”

“Are you drunk Aaron Livesy?”

“No, maybe a little bit tipsy; ahhhghh, Robert....., awwhh” He’s kissing my neck; sucking and biting quite a bit harder than usual. He switches to the other side and does the same before moving to my mouth and we kiss, his hand grabbing a fistful of my hair, pulling my head back. Robert is very much in control as he turns me round pinning my arms against the door up above either side of my head, his mouth and tongue returning to my neck; he’s already very hard as I feel him press and rub his body against mine. That might have something to do with the attention my hand has been giving to his dick for the last half hour. Adam and Tom were playing the final game of snooker whilst Vic and Lucy were chatting away on the sofa; we were behind the bar, supposedly watching Adam and Tom, but I’d been stroking Robert really slowly through his jeans, the added edge of the others being in the same room has made Robert super turned on.

I moan again as I feel his warm breath by my ear, “Who do you belong to Aaron?”

“You, I belong to you....., ohhh god, oh fuck,” I still have my arms resting high up against the door, but Robert’s hands are down the front of my now unbuttoned jeans. “Fuck me,” I close my eyes, enjoying every sensation as he touches me; I'm feeding off the control he's taking and I whisper to him once more, “Fuck me hard Robert.”

“That’s exactly what I intend to do Aaron, over and over all night.” He spins me round again, pushing me roughly against the door and starts to pull my clothes off, almost ripping them in his rush to get me naked.

.

He wasn’t joking; I think I’m going to feel the effects of Robert fucking me most of the night for the next few days. I’ve just been down to fetch us coffee, Robert is lying back in bed taking a first drink, watching me standing naked in front of the mirror examining myself. Our sex life is always very passionate and varies from anything between sensual, gentle lovemaking to hard fucking that on occasion borders on the brutal side. Last night was definitely the latter and this time it is me who has the bruising and love bites to show for it. The last time we were this wild it had been Robert with the bruises and I had bitten his lip so hard I had drawn blood. I have had to be more careful with him since because he got tackled in training the day after and the Physio had seen the marks I had left on his body when he had checked him over. Robert had been called into Martin's office after training, together with the Physio, to speak to him because they were concerned. Robert came home telling me about the looks on their faces and how funny it was when he told them it was from a night of wild sex and they told him maybe he should consider finding someone a little tamer.

I clamber back into bed with Robert and lean back against him in-between his legs. He kisses my head, “You okay; I didn’t hurt you?”

I reach for my mug and take a drink, “I can feel you, inside and out; I like it though. I’d have stopped you if I'd wanted to, you know that.“

“I know, but when we get like that we’re so carried away, sometimes I think one day we might actually do some real damage without realising it.”

“I trust you.” I rest my head back against his shoulder and he wraps his arms and legs around me.

“Good. Aaron......?”

“Mmhhh?”

“When we tell the family in April, I want you to move in....., permanently.”

I glance up at him, “Would that not be a bit too risky?”

“You’re here most nights already. It's probably a miracle no-one's seen and started asking questions.”

“That’s because we don’t give them any reason to suspect; Mum still thinks I’m going into Hotten or Leeds. She would have said something if she thought I was here; she’s still not your biggest fan.”

Robert strokes his hand through my hair, “Well......, will you?”

I take a drink and then put my tea down on the side, turn over and lie on top of him. I’m holding my upper body slightly away from him, my back arching and my hands on his shoulders. I’m busy moving against him as I answer, “Yes, I’ll move in. Do I have to pay rent or will you take payment in kind?” I grin mischievously as I sit up and tease his shaft until he’s hard. We are permanently randy at the moment; it’s a good job we're both as bad as each other. After teasing a little while longer, I sink down onto his hardness and start to ride him once more.

His hands are holding onto my waist, smiling at me when he pushes upwards, making me gasp with how deep he is. “I think we can work something out, don’t you?”

.

Aaron, Saturday 12th March

Things have settled down nicely since the New Year. I still sleep at the pub a few nights a week to keep mum off my back and I continue fobbing her off about having a boyfriend. I’ve started going out sometimes with Robert and his friends, usually Adam and even Vic come with us; the last twice Andy has also tagged along. Robert’s friends and some of the team he's closest to have been to the pub a couple of times; they all know Martin is going out with my mum. No movement with Katie yet, but it seems Andy’s patience is starting to wear a bit thin with her stubbornness.

Robert has helped out a few times on the farm when they’ve needed an extra pair of hands. He might have hated it when he was a kid, but whenever he comes back from there he always has a slightly different buzz about him. He’s not ready to admit it yet, but I actually think he quite enjoys it and according to Andy, it hasn’t taken him long to remember how to do stuff.

United played Friday night and won, so Robert has no game this weekend, but they have a Champions league match on Wednesday in Italy. He’s helping out on the farm most of this weekend as neither Pete nor James is around. I’ve just finished at the scrap yard and thought I’d call by to see if he wanted to go for some food before helping Cain to drop off a car. Andy is about to leave as I get to Butlers; he has to take Sarah to some birthday party and is finishing early for the day. He tells me Robert is up clearing out the top barn which explains why he wasn’t answering his phone; there is never any signal on that part of the farm. It’s quite a trek to get up there, so I go up on one of the quad bikes.

.

“How’s it going, you have time for a quick sarnie?”

“I ate with Andy already; only just got back up here pretty much.” He looks at me, realising I’m not wearing overalls, “Thought you were coming to help me finish?”

“Can’t, got collared into doing a favour for Cain to go drop off a car; we’ll be back around teatime or just a bit after most likely.”

“Pfft, easy life.”

“Hey you, less of the insults or I’ll sleep at the pub again tonight. Do I get a kiss then or what?”

Robert looks hot as he walks over, not his usual tidy smart; the dishevelled earthy look suits him. He stops in front of the quad bike and leans over towards me, his eyes playful as he rests his hands on the handle bars, “Not sure you deserve a kiss if you’re going to desert me in favour of Cain.” I love Robert when he’s like this, anything can happen and it usually does.

I lean forward, our faces so close I can feel his breath, “I’ll make it up-to you tonight. Anyway, you still need to make good on your own promise first after not helping me out last night.” Since Tom found out I’m gay, he’s been trying to set me up with his cousin, who is so not my type but apparently he likes me. Well liked, I don’t think he’s too keen now after I spilt a bottle of red wine over his crisp perfect white shirt and perfect everything else. Robert had found it highly amusing and made no effort to come to my rescue all night until he realised I was close to decking him; I was saved at the last minute by spilling the wine. Robert got me out of there quickly after that, but still found it funny all the way home. He didn’t find it so funny when I punished him by getting the taxi driver to drop me at the pub and I slept there whilst he had to let the taxi driver take him to Home Farm. He had texted me a promise of a certain favour as a way of getting back in my good books. Our lips finally touch; the kiss gentle but soon becoming more needy.

Robert puts his hands on my face and we kiss again as he pulls me up and away from the quad bike. By now we are all over each other as we crash into the outside of the barn, kissing frantically. I stop him, “I should go....., unless you are going to make it worth my while.....?” I start walking over to quad bike grinning to myself, but he grabs my hand before I get very far and he pulls me back; just as I'd known he would. He has a glint in his eye as he walks me backwards until we're up against the side of the barn. He squeezes my hand and with the other strokes down the side of my cheek as we kiss again. His hand keeps going until he reaches the top of my jeans and starts to unbutton them. I reluctantly stop his hand an instant, “You’re not expecting Moira or any of the others to come up to help out are you?”

“Nope.” I see the look in his eye as he finishes unbuttoning and reaches down inside my jeans with his hand. I let out a moan as he starts to stroke me, “Going commando today are we?” I grin as he starts kissing my neck and my ears. He spins me round and I put my hands on the corrugated outside of the barn and push back into him. His hand slows down, but is twisting and more deliberate with it's action. I turn back round and we kiss, then stop as we gaze into each other’s eyes, “I love you Aaron, I love your mouth,” he kisses me softly on my lips; “I love your neck,” he kisses the left side on my neck, “all of it,” I smile as he switches to kiss the other side of my neck before moving back to my mouth; “I love all of you.”

.

We rest for a minute; I'm smiling with my arms on Robert's shoulders and my fingers gently caressing the back of his neck. I kiss him, “You taste different.”

Robert grins and has a boyish look about him, “Must be all the mud; I’d forgotten how much mud and muck there is on a farm.”

I start to rub against him, “I like it on you; it makes me hard for you, hard for your mouth.”

He smirks, “You have a filthy mind, do you know that Aaron Livesy? Just wait until I get you home.“

I smile mischievously, “Why wait?”

“Thought you had to go help Cain?” Robert is inching my jeans lower down and starts stroking me once more.

“I do, I should get going.” My head rolls back against the barn with pleasure, “Mmmhh, oh god Robert, you need to stop doing that.” He’s kissing my neck and ear; I’m now completely his and he knows it. I’m not going anywhere just yet.

“Doing what?”

“That with your hand...., and your mouth; you know how much I like it.”

“Would you prefer it, if I did this?” Robert drops to his knees and his tongue flicks over my very hard shaft; I close my eyes and hear a loud moan escaping from my lips. I rest my hands on his shoulders as he pulls my jeans down far enough to get to me properly; then as he takes me into his mouth, I move one of my hands onto his head.

I’m in heaven with his mouth and hand alternating between sucking, jerking, twisting and stroking me; he teases me until it is too much to bear and I force my dick deep into his mouth, “All the way Robert, take it, take it all....., that’s it.” My body strains and tightens whilst I hold his head fast to me with both hands, my dick pulsing as my come fills his mouth; I make sure he swallows all of it. When I finally let him pull back, I stare down at him on his knees, “You are so fucking hot, do you know that? I love your mouth.”

He stands back up and we kiss, “Just my mouth?”

I laugh at him and pull a face, “I suppose the rest of you’s alright too.” I’m still breathing quicker than normal after coming intensely, same as always with Robert.

Robert is watching me, relaxed and smiling, “Am I forgiven?” We kiss again and our noses rub together.

I pull up my jeans and button them up, “Mmmhh, maybe.” I look at my phone for the time, “I have to go before I get grief from Cain.” I zip up my jacket and push Robert back to the quad where we stay and kiss a lot longer than we should. “I’ll text you when we get close to home.” I get on the quad bike and flash him a cheeky grin, “I think you might just be on a promise.” Before he can answer I drive off and leave Robert grinning back at me.

.

Robert, Saturday 12th March

It’s past teatime and almost dark out before I finish and head down to the farmhouse, debating what to do for food later. I think I’ll make Aaron’s favourite, soften him up a bit more in apology for last night. It was so funny though, Aaron was hilarious trying to let Tom’s cousin down gently and he just wasn’t getting the message; bless. I’m smiling to myself when I see a fraught looking Vic, Adam not far behind her.

“Finally, we’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

I look between them and something is clearly wrong. “Why, what’s up?” We go inside; I take my wellies off in the doorway and follow them into the kitchen.

“Where’ve you been? You’re phone’s been going to voicemail for ages.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“We know.” I look at her oddly as I pull my phone out of my coat pocket which I’d left in the kitchen and look at it in surprise after putting in my pin. Even for me that’s an excessive amount of texts and missed calls.

I suddenly feel nervous, “I was up at the top barn, there’s never any reception up there so I left my phone down here. Diane and Andy are okay, they’ve not had an accident or anything have they?”

“No, they’re fine.”

I look at her confused, “Then what is it cos Vic you’re acting weird, just spit it out will you.” Adam snorts a laugh, but stops after a glare from Vic. I’m stood still now, really concerned, “Will one of you please tell me what’s going on.”

“There’s been a video posted online….., of you.....,” Vic looks uncomfortable as I stare at her, “with Aaron….., you’re errm…..” She didn’t need to continue, I knew what she was too embarrassed to say. “Congratulations Robert, you’ve just gone viral.”

TBC


	15. About As Real As It Gets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron face the immediate fall out of their relationship becoming public knowledge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year to everyone.  
> For beady eyed readers you'll notice I have revised the time line slightly at end of last chapter from mid 20 Feb to 12 March, it fits better with what's to come in the next few chapters.  
> Enjoy  
> Caro

Robert, Saturday 12th March

I stare at Vic in shocked silence and sit down at the table, taking a minute for what she had said to sink in. “You’re not winding me up right?” I knew by the look on their faces that they aren’t, but I need to be sure.

“No. It’s all over the news and.....”

“And what?”

“Finn’s watched it. Do you want him to email it to you?” She stops seeing the look of horror on my face, “Sorry. It’s not explicit if that’s any comfort and it’s not very long....., the video that is....., apparently....., but he’s says it’s clear what you’re doing.” I look at her mortified and she stops talking completely, before she digs a deeper hole for herself.

I look again at my phone and the number of texts and missed calls, but I ignore them and call Aaron. It goes to voicemail, “Aaron it’s Robert, call me as soon as you get this; whatever you do, do not go home or to the pub. Meet me at Wiley's, go straight there and don’t stop for anyone or anything. I’ll explain when I see you. I love you.“ I finally kick myself into action and look at Vic and Adam, “We need to get to Aaron before the press or anyone else; we have to find him. Adam can you call Cain, he went to drop off a car with him, I don’t know where but he said they’d be back around teatime. Does Chas know?”

Adam answers, “Don’t know, but if she doesn’t, she will soon.”

“Let me go shower and get changed. Adam, can I borrow a quad bike to take over the fields to Wiley’s?”

“Of course mate.”

They’re both watching me closely, “Vic, can you warn Chas please. Tell her to stay at the pub and we’ll call them when we know what we’re doing; if I do it she won’t listen. Please, don’t tell her that we're going to Wiley’s though; you know what she’s like, she’ll only make things worse and I need to speak to Aaron on his own first.” I look out of the window, there’s no one out there yet, but it won’t be long before the press will be all over here, Emmerdale and Home Farm.

.

Going back into the kitchen after my shower I put my coat on; I feel better than I did earlier, the hot water against my face has helped me calm myself down a little. Adam is stood by the counter with a tea and Vic sat at the table, “Chas and Diane will hold the fort at the pub and I spoke with Cain; they’ll be at Wiley’s in about fifteen minutes.” He hesitates, “It’s all over the news Robert, Aaron knows.” It’s out of our control now and I just nod as I grab the keys for the quad bike.

Vic is looking at me a mix of concern and curiosity. ”So, you and Aaron then; what you’re together?”

“I’ll call you later okay.” I leave not wanting a discussion and go up over the fields to Wiley’s.

.

There’s no street lighting anywhere close to Wiley’s and being a cloudy night, it’s very dark when I get up here. I sit quietly on the floor, just inside the door, with only the peace and calm of the evening for company; resting my head back against the wall, I close my eyes as I try to sort things out in my mind. I can’t begin to imagine what Aaron is thinking.

After about ten minutes, I see headlights pull into the yard and hear the car engine cut out. Standing up, I lean against the old doorframe and watch the shadows of Cain and Aaron get out of the car. I’m not quite sure what to expect from either of them. Cain is about as big a fan of me as Chas and I know he’s very protective of Aaron; I feel myself involuntarily tense up as they approach, I can barely make them out in the dark.

Aaron is quiet and leans sideways against the outside wall just to my left so he's almost facing me, but he doesn’t say anything. Cain stops and stands in front of me, “Chas says the press is outside the pub and Sam went to check at Home Farm, they’re up there as well.”

I’m not really surprised as I nod, though I’m not sure Cain can see, it’s so dark. I reach round the doorframe for Aaron’s hand with mine; he has it shoved in his jeans pockets, but he lets me pull it out and hold it. I give it a squeeze and I see him look at me properly for the first time. I focus back on Cain, “Can we borrow your car?”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know; it just gives us options.” I let out a big sigh, darting a quick glance at Aaron, before looking back at Cain, “Can you give us some time, take the quad back to the farm and we’ll call you.”

“You need anything else?”

“I don’t know; we need to talk first.” Aaron still hasn’t said a word, but I can tell he’s very tense.

“Okay, I’ll be either at the farm or the pub, call if you need something; anything Robert, okay?” I nod. "Aaron?" I see the slight nod of his head. Cain must have seen it also, "Right then." He gets on the quad bike and takes a moment to look between us, before turning on the engine and heads out of the gate over the fields. I have to give it to Cain; despite all the bluster he loves Aaron unconditionally, without fault.

.

Now that it’s just us, Aaron turns into my arms and we hug each other for what seems like an age; I hold his head close to me, my hand stroking through his hair, “Well everyone knows now, it’s about as real as it gets.” I kiss his forehead, “You okay?”

He lets out a laugh, more relief than anything I think. Maybe he had thought I would reject him or react badly, “Yeah, I’m okay. You?”

I smile at him, the relief of being together and on our own is helping us both to relax. “I am now.” I shudder a little from the cold night wind and pull us both inside the derelict farmhouse. We sit on the floor, where I had been earlier, Aaron leaning against me. “So what do you want to do? We can get in the car and drive; we can go as far away as you want. I don’t care Aaron as long as we’re together.”

“Where would we go Robert? We could go anywhere in Europe or anywhere else really and somebody would recognise you soon enough.”

“We can stay here tonight; give things time to calm down a little.” Aaron gives me a knowing look; he doesn’t need to say anything, we both know this isn’t going to go away any time soon, especially with the game on Wednesday. “Okay, so options.....? We can go home, to the pub, Butlers, Zak and Lisa’s, bnb; we could hire a plane and go to Isa’s.” Aaron looks at me amused and probably to see if I'm serious, “Well we could; just hire a plane and leave.”

“Just like that?”

“Well, we’d need Cain or someone to get our passports, but yes, if that’s what you want?”

Aaron rests his head back against me, probably thinking I have gone a little mad, “Hire a plane, run away....., for how long? Our lives are here Robert, this is our home. You haven’t said what you actually want to do.”

“Go home; I want to go home and go to sleep in our own bed, just you and me.” I rest my chin on his head.

“Me too.”

I sit us both up and look at him seriously, “You’re not just saying that right, you’re okay with staying here and going home?”

“Yes.” I’m suspicious at the look on Aaron's face which turns into a smirk, “You don’t mind if I move in a little earlier than planned then? Now that everyone knows.”

I laugh as I stand up, pulling him up with me by his hand, “I suppose I won't have to, but only if you tell me you love me.”

“That’s blackmail.“

“Are you saying you don’t love me?”

Aaron is shaking his head, half smiling at me, “I have no idea why sometimes, but I love you Robert Jacob Sugden, I love you very much.”

We go get in the car, “You keep reminding yourself of that when we get home.” Aaron looks at me oddly, but he’ll work it out soon enough, “You’d best call Cain and tell them what we’re doing; they’ll probably all be at the pub I reckon.” I start the engine and we head home as Aaron dials the pub. We have the call on speaker and as expected practically the whole family is at the pub and it sounds ‘eventful’ shall we say between them all. I let Aaron do most of the talking. It’s difficult to tell with Chas just what she’s the most angry about; at the minute I would say just about everything. I can hear Martin in the background trying to calm her down as she has a go at me down the phone. Apparently this is all my fault, surprise surprise, but at least he’s learning now first hand that Chas Dingle doesn’t take prisoners, especially when it comes to Aaron.

.

As we come into sight of the Home Farm gates, I shake my head and grab Aaron’s hand. Our joined hands do the gear change together and we don’t let go. It’s staggering how much media there is outside, so much so that there are two police cars and Aaron experiences for the first time what it’s like to be in a car with the press clamouring on it and all the flash photography. We ignore it all though, not taking our eyes off each other as we drive through the gate and it closes, leaving them all behind us. Fortunately, being an old country estate house, there is a very long driveway and when we get to the door, you could almost forget that there is such a commotion going on outside the gates.

I see Aaron’s look of shock on his face, the first time you drive through something like that is really intimidating and very scary. I look at him a moment, “Made it.”

His eyes widen, “This time.” I laugh at him as we get out of the car.

“They’ll get bored in a few days and we’ll become old news. Come on, I was going to make your favourite for tea anyway and I really need a drink.” He takes my held out hand as we go into the house and I give him a cheeky grin, “I don’t suppose I’m still on for that promise then, am I?”

Aaron cracks out laughing at me. Walking into the kitchen, he goes to the fridge and gets us some beers and passes me mine, “Maybe.”

I smirk at him as I take my coat off. I have a drink of beer and we start making some tea.

.

Later after we’ve eaten, Aaron speaks to Chas and Cain again, whilst I speak to Vic and Diane, then Martin. He said my agent had been calling me and he wasn’t very happy about being kept in the dark. He’d be the last person I’d have told. My original agent of many years had retired a few months ago, so I haven't been with Alex long but I'm not warming to him. Although he had come highly recommended, I’d already made my mind up to cut him loose and find another; he just doesn't know it yet. It wasn’t a long conversation with Martin, I just said I wasn’t prepared to make any announcement or statement to anyone yet and I’d be in training on Monday unless I was told otherwise. We left it at that and then we switched off our phones, never switched on the TV or radio and hibernated for the rest of the night.

We do watch one thing though; I got Vic to get Finn to email us the video. We are sat down on the sofa in the games room. I look at Aaron, “Are you sure you want to watch this?”

“Well at least there won’t be any surprises, seeing how we were there an’ all.”

I shake my head at him as I press play. It could have been worse, a lot worse; Finn had been right; it isn’t very long, just over 90 seconds. It starts out with us kissing, me catching Aaron by the hand and walking him up against the barn where you could tell I was unbuttoning his jeans, then kissing into Aaron’s neck and us snogging. Last but not least it ends with me going down on my knees and Aaron putting his hand on my head which is where it stopped. Nothing rude was ever visible, but it was clear what I was doing. If it wasn't us and I were an impartial viewer, I would even have probably said it's sexy as hell and quite well cut together; even the choice of music is good, though I have no idea who it is.

Aaron takes the remote from me and plays it again as he lays back on the sofa, “I told you, you were hot.”

I look back at him and can't help but laugh a little, “I remember. You do realise that someone out there has the rest of it? What happens if they post the other stuff?”

“I don’t reckon they will; they would have already if they were going to, shock value and everything. They’ll be keeping the rest for themselves to jerk off to, their own private little showing.” I don’t know whether to kiss him or strangle him at that. He’s definitely taking this all more relaxed than I am at the moment. I get up and hunt for my phone, “What are you doing?”

“Calling the police. Whoever took that had to be on the farm, on private land; there is no public access across Butlers. Let’s see how they like their face all over the news and the internet.”

.

Robert, Sunday 13th March

We've decided not to watch any news or anything on the telly, thinking that we would both probably stress too much from it; if there's anything we need to know family or Martin will tell us. Moira drove Cain over for his car though and they brought with them all the papers; we couldn't resist looking at them. Mostly the articles are positive, they focus on me rather than Aaron, going on about invasion of privacy, questioning if I'm gay or bi but that I hadn't made any statement yet; discussing if I would continue playing and that no statement had yet been issued by the F.A. or United, also that the police are now formally involved.

Whilst Cain is here we talk through some of the practicalities for Monday morning; we both want Monday to be as normal a day as possible. For us this isn’t a big deal and hopefully after this week it will all die down. 

Chas had been nagging to see Aaron, but wouldn't come to the house. We consider going to the pub but decide against it, preferring to enjoy the quiet of home; there will be plenty of time for everyone else later. Aaron is staying at the pub Tuesday and Wednesday night anyway, assuming I am still going to Italy for the Champions League game mid-week. In the papers, there had been comments from other players in support for us, but Martin had told me that the United players have been instructed to give no statements or comments publicly until we talk as a team on Monday. Aaron had been curious to know how I think the team will react. The honest answer is I don’t know, okay I think. Some had texted me already and they had all been positive, albeit with some very wry comments about the video and its content, but on the whole all the noise from the footballing world has been good so far and that is in spite of the unfortunate way it got out.

.

Robert, Monday 14th March

There was the same media throng outside the gates when we left in the morning, I drop Aaron off at the scrap yard, where we had agreed that the family would watch out for him and keep the press out of his face as much as possible. There were even police outside there, just in case. I think there is more press in the village now than villagers.

It's the same when I drive into the training ground. I switch off the engine and take a moment to breathe and calm myself. For the first time in years, I feel nervous about walking into a dressing room. I take a deep breath and get out of the car.

I do my best to act normally as I walk into reception. No-one says anything different to any other Monday morning and I don’t get any sarcastic comments. I’m not really sure if that’s a positive or not, but there’s no point denying that there's a certain vibe in the air and it's most definitely not my imagination playing tricks on me. Martin had asked me to meet him in his office early before the rest of the team get in so we could talk. I knock on his office door and walk in. I wasn’t even sure if it would be just me and him or if anyone else would be there, but it’s just Martin. He motions for me to sit down; he actually looks more stressed and tired than me. That would probably be because Aaron’s reaction so far has been significantly calmer than Chas’s.

“You okay?”

“Yes, you look like it’s me that should be asking you that. Chas gets a little over-protective ey?”

He pulls a face in wry acknowledgement, “That’s putting it mildly. How’s Aaron?”

“At the minute he’s okay, he knows it’s not going to be an easy few days.”

.

Martin is stood at the window looking down over the training pitch and I sit patiently waiting for him to get to the crux of why I’m sat here so early in his office. It always reminds me of being sent to the headmaster’s office; I’ve been here a few times, sat like this before in front of managers, but this is different in more ways than one. “It’s not exactly what I expect to see from you Robert.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He gives me a withering stare, he knows I understand exactly what he means, “It would be the same furore if we’d been caught just kissing.”

He comes and sits down at his desk, “But you weren’t just kissing.”

I hold down my anger, “We were on private property; we’re entitled to feel safe from prying eyes there. Whoever took that video, they must have come onto the land. You can’t see that barn from the road or anywhere close by; there are no footpaths or right of way for anyone to have any excuse to be there except that they were trespassing to spy on me, us or whatever.”

He watches me intently, “Is it serious?”

“Is that you asking or Chas?” Martin raises his eyebrows, unused to me being on edge like this. I'm struggling to hide my apprehension and everything is coming out all wrong, “Yes, it’s serious. Do you have problem with that?”

“No. I don’t care who you see and before you ask, I don’t have a problem with you being with a man. I do have a problem with news and pictures of my captain having oral sex all over the media and on YouTube.

“Well we’re not too thrilled about it either.” There’s a silent pause and then we both let out a tired laugh. I relax a little, I know Martin’s not the enemy and I need him, both here and with Chas, “We were planning on telling you, family and friends, on my birthday in April. We’d even talked about making it public, but we wanted to go slow with it; we never intended for any of this.”

“I know Robert, but you also know that you’re going to have to manage this now, you can’t act like nothing’s changed.”

.

“What are you going to do?”

“Nothing."

"You’re not going to drop me then?"

"No, whatever makes you think that?"

I shrug, "The video, being gay or bi doesn't fit the image you want for your team or from your captain." I can feel my emotions start to get the better of me again. My entire life is built around football; this is my future we're talking about and I don't want to lose it or have to retire just yet.

"Robert, you are my best player; you are England's best player and times are changing even in the football world. As you rightly pointed out, you haven’t done anything wrong. You were on private land where you are entitled to do what you want with whoever you want, same as if you were in your own home. As long as it’s within the law, I can’t punish you for that or make you apologise for your own stupidity, although I’m not happy about it. You’ll just have to ride it out now until it’s all calmed down. Someone has to be the first right? Although maybe not how you would have planned it, a gay footballer was bound to come out at some point; it was only a matter of time. I don’t care Robert as long as you don’t let it affect your game. We could do without the Champions League game on Wednesday being the first game though, that’s not going to help keep you out of the media spotlight.”

“What do we say to the lads?”

“I’m not going to treat you any different Robert, I would have been just as disappointed if it had been with a woman. You should know better, that you don’t get the luxury of a having private life. You talk to the team openly and we take it from there. You have my support as captain and that of the Board, that doesn’t change unless you let it mess with your game on the pitch, no different to usual. This is a football club and what happens on the pitch for 90 minutes is what matters, results. Okay?”

I nod, “I won’t let it affect my game; I promise you.”

“Good. The club won't issue any statement until we have spoken to the team and you are clear on your future. The F.A. will make a statement this morning already, supporting gay footballers in general and that anything specific to you personally is a club matter and the invasion of privacy a police matter. You should issue a statement of some kind Robert and give the media something; you know as well as anyone how it works. Speak with Alex; he’s still your agent right?”

“Yes. I know; I just don’t want it to be a big deal, people don’t need to know who I’m in love with.”

I see how Martin looks at me; I’m well aware of my reputation, that I don’t do serious relationships. “On a personal note, this doesn’t change anything between us. I’m here for you if you need me, not just as your boss, but as a friend.” He tips his head to one side, smiling to himself as much to me, “Also not forgetting that my girlfriend is your boyfriend’s mum; now that is going to need some managing.” We smile at each other, I’m not sure he knows what he’s let himself in for being with Chas. “Okay. The others should be in by now. We might just need a pre-training team talk, don’t you think?” I nod, one down, lots to go. This next one determines my future more than anything, if I don’t have the team with me, then I might as well quit now.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thought that sprung to mind for non-uk readers. 'Tea' in the north of England can be the drink or can also be a meal. Teatime more often than not refers to a meal, usually eaten between 4 and 6.30 pm ish....  
> It's a little harder to distinguish on just the word tea, because you can make some tea and it could mean either the drink or the meal. Often context makes it clear, but not always. Me personally as a northerner I will mostly say: make a tea = drink / make some tea = food.


	16. A Difficult Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert talks to the team and Aaron’s history comes under the spotlight.

Robert, Monday 14th March

We’re just about at the players lounge door, the dressing room isn't big enough to fit all the players and support staff, when my phone goes. I look apologetically at Martin, “It’s Cain; can I take it?” He nods and I answer the phone, walking a little way back down the corridor whilst Martin continues on in through the door.

After Cain calls off, I take a moment to consider what he's just told me; this isn’t going to make things any easier. That said, Aaron was clear at the weekend when we talked about it; they need to hear things from us, rather than some hack or news broadcast. I take a big deep breath, here goes; we'd known today was going to be a difficult day.

.

The room is uncannily quiet when I walk in; it has to be one of the oddest moments of my footballing career. Martin looks concerned when he sees my face, “Everything okay?”

I lean back against the door as I close it behind me, another deep breath. “Define okay.” I look across at him and he waits for me to elaborate, “Aaron’s been arrested for decking Alex....., out cold.” I put my hand to my forehead and rub it, not that that’s going to help me much. This has thrown me completely; I’d had what I was going to say pretty much all worked out, but not anymore.

“You want to go?”

I’d already agreed with Cain that they would sort it and I needed to stay here this morning, “No. Aaron’s seen the inside of a police station often enough and he’ll most likely be out before I even get there. He has the family, I’ll see him at home later but I’ll have to deal with Alex before Cain kills him.” I can feel everyone looking at me, curiosity written across their faces. “Alex tried to buy Aaron off to stay away from me. Not suitable boyfriend material for the England captain apparently and when Aaron said no, he came onto him; probably just to provoke a response which he got in the form of Aaron’s fist in his face.” I sit down, leaning over, resting with my elbows on my knees; it's only just ten o'clock and I already feel exhausted. I rub my hands over my face and sit back up, looking across at Martin, “I warned him not to let anyone wind him up..... fucking hell, this won’t help.”

.

I don’t let the silence linger, what’s done is done; for now I have to focus on me and the team, “Alright, so it’s probably stupid to ask who hasn’t seen or heard what went on-line on Saturday." There’s some shuffling and murmuring, along with a few smiles, "There’s some stuff you need to hear from me and then you can ask any questions you want. I have only one request; that anything said here today never leaves this room, ever. Understood?” There are a few nods of acknowledgement and no-one seems to object; I know if anything leaks, Martin will come down on them like a ton of bricks and they all know it.

Someone pipes up jokingly, ”So Mr Sugden, will there be wedding bells?"

It's probably an attempt to break the nervous tension hanging in the air, but maybe it wasn't the best of timing; it’s the question they always ask me when I've got off with someone new. My reaction though surprises even me as it seriously pisses me off and there's real anger in my voice, “None of your fucking business. You may think you know Robert Sugden the footballer, but you sure as hell don’t know Robert Sugden; none of you do.” I see the shock in their faces, they have never known me get angry like this or be serious about anyone I’m seeing. Aaron being arrested has wound me up irrationally and my fear is spinning out of control. I'm scared and all I feel is the desperate need to leg it as far away from here as possible; I get as far as the door where the boss stops me.

“Sit down Robert, nothing was meant by it and you know that; just calm down. Like you said Aaron will be fine.”

We kind of stare each other out, but I know he’s right and I sit back down, “Sorry, I didn't mean that. It's just.....” I take a deep breath a moment to try and compose myself. “You all need to understand, I’m in love with Aaron; completely. We’ve been together seven months; we kept it quiet because we wanted to be sure. Aaron was clear with me he wouldn't be a secret forever, so we would have told you, but he had to be able to trust me first and that's taken some time. He's the only person I want to be with; so now everyone knows, I don’t have to pretend anymore.” I give a wry smile, “I can have fun when we go out, but I can’t play and no, no wedding bells just yet.” I smile properly; the tension seems to have eased as they see me relax and calm down to more my usual self.

Out of all the people in the room, Tom is the only one where I'm getting a negative vibe, “Was it Aaron who hit you at New Year?”

I look at him directly in the eyes, trying to gauge what he’s thinking, “Yes, I fucked up, I screwed up really badly and I hurt him.” I can see Tom’s reaction to this isn’t good, “I pushed the button Tom, don’t make it into something it’s not.” He doesn’t say anything more, but it's clear we are going to have to talk outside this conversation.

.

I move to sit on the table in front of the big TV screen so I can see everyone, “Aaron comes with a shed load of baggage, but he wants you to hear it from me and not read about certain stuff in the paper or wherever. He has a record, right from being a kid. He’s been on remand and in court a few times and can be what you might call a little reactive; sometimes he lashes out, a bit like today. He lied to help his best friend, Adam, some of you met him already; he took the rap for something he didn’t do and skipped the country. It all got sorted out when he came back, but he’s still on a suspended sentence for it. The one you’re going to see though if anything is he got charged with murder.” I pause to see the reaction, there's a quiet shock which is to be expected but Aaron had been adamant; he wants it all out in the open. I tell them what happened with Jackson and Aaron being found not guilty, but I don’t tell them about the harming. “You might not agree with what he did, but if it was Aaron begging me like that every day and I was in that situation, I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t think anyone does until they’re faced with it. I know it almost killed him afterwards with the grief and the guilt; so it was never ever the easy way out and as far as I'm concerned we have no right to judge him.”

“Look a lot of you have met Aaron, you knew he’s gay; everyone seemed to like him and didn't have a problem with him. I never expected to fall for a guy, but I have and we're together. I'm really hoping you're all okay with that, because if I have to choose, then I choose him. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know; I love him and something I haven't even told Aaron yet, I want to be with him for the rest of my life, it’s as simple as that.” I wait for that to sink in, “I suppose it’s over to you guys now because rightly or wrongly and whether I like it or not, this affects all of us. We go out on that pitch together as a team; if we don't trust and support each other, then we don't stand a chance of winning. Yes times have changed, but there's always going to be the few who'll have a problem with me for this and some people will use this to target the team as well as me. It's going to make each game even harder, but I love playing football; I love playing with this team and I don't want to give it up. I'm not strong enough without you, so what do you think? Will you help me do this?”

.

The questions slowly come and I answer truthfully. I’d known deep down the team would be okay, but until we actually got to this point, I wasn’t going to take it for granted. I don't think any of them have a problem with my being with Aaron, some are more comfortable than others and I made it clear I didn’t fancy anyone on the team. The biggest concerns are dealing with stuff from other teams and supporters in general; even some United supporters are not going to like this. We talk about everything openly and especially the immediate challenge of the game in Italy on Wednesday.

We’re pretty much wrapping up the conversation when one of the younger players asks everyone to wait and he tells everyone he's also gay. His family know but he’s not ready to announce it outside the team, but he will at some point. I smile at him; he looked nervous, but at the same time kind of relieved. I look at Martin; he’d said as much, someone has to be the first.

After everything’s said and done, we’re still a team and probably stronger now than we were before as we head out to train for Wednesday’s game. It’s the second leg, we drew 1-1 on the home leg, so we need to win and it won’t be easy. I like a challenge though and I have this feeling we’re going to have a good game and win; or we will if I have anything to do with it. On Wednesday I have a point to prove.

.

Aaron, Monday 14th March

I get released with a caution; apparently Alex has refused to press charges after a re-think. It had already leaked that he had tried to pay me off and he is taking quite a lot of flak from all sides, with some people he represents threatening to drop him. It would have made things worse for him if I had got put back inside, me being on a suspended sentence and everything. I’m not really looking forward to explaining to Robert though. Alex had said some very nasty things, but I'd promised Robert that I wouldn’t let anyone wind me up or lose it. I can't help feeling disappointed with myself, but I just couldn’t stand his grubby hands on me.

When Robert gets home late afternoon, I’m sat up on the kitchen counter watching TV whilst eating cold ravioli out of the tin, being too lazy to bother heating it up.

I’d seen on the news earlier the statements from Robert, United and the F.A.. Robert’s statement had basically just said we’ve been together seven months; that we are happy and moving in together and his role as United and England captain is unchanged. Afterwards the presenters had discussed that he’d not been specific about his sexuality, but then also how him being together with a man openly sends a positive message. It seems whatever I watch, our relationship is the media's favourite topic of the day.

However my arrest has had an unwanted side-effect, shifting focus from Robert to me; with the media now having dug up all my history, it’s now being discussed on prime time TV. Mum has rung and told me to be careful, there’s been some hate calls at the pub, some just jealous crap mostly but a few about the assisted suicide with Jackson and that’s what’s being discussed on the TV as Robert walks through the door. It feels surreal as I listen to it, they’re partly discussing me and specifics about what happened which is public record, but then talking around assisted suicide in general and the debate is turning into a really heated argument.

.

Robert picks up the remote and switches it off, “Oi I was watching that.” He comes to stand in front of me and rests his head down on my knees with his hands on my waist. I put the tin down and lean over to kiss his head and put my arms around him, “You okay?” He nods, but is visibly exhausted when he looks up at me. “Want some ravioli?”

He pulls a face at the tin of cold ravioli by my side, “No thanks. Can we go to bed? I’m tired and I just want to hold you.”

I wrap my legs around him and slide my hands across his shoulders and down his back, “You sure you’re okay? How did it go with the team?”

“Good, apart from Tom maybe. I need to talk to him separately but he’d gone already by the time I’d done everything I needed to do and now he’s not picking up. I don’t have the energy for anything else now today.” Robert takes my hand and pulls me down off the counter and we go upstairs to the bedroom. “How was it at the station? Sorry I wasn't there.”

“You needed to be at the club and besides, I wasn't there long; I got let off with a caution.” Robert falls into bed with his clothes still on. I slide in beside him and we snuggle under the duvet together. “Sorry, I should have tried harder.”

“It’s okay. He’s no longer my agent, if that’s any comfort. You want to tell me what happened?”

I shrug, “Not really. He called me some names, offered me some money to leave you and put his hands where he shouldn’t.”

“How much?”

“It doesn’t matter, I turned him down. He could have offered me millions and I'd have still turned him down.”

“Did he really try it on with you, seriously or was he just trying to provoke you?”

“Can we not talk about him; I just want to forget it. There’s less press around now since your statement, that’s a good thing right?”

“Mmmhh, they’re still pushing to try and get me to say if I’m gay or bi. I don’t see why I need to put a label on myself; it winds me up.” Robert yawns, neither of us had slept too well last night; nervousness about today I suppose. He yawns again, struggling to keep his eyes from closing, but he turns his head to look at me. “The police called by the way, they’ve arrested someone for posting the video. Apparently we had a stalker we knew nothing about. They found hundreds of pictures at her flat and some more videos, just of me until a couple of weeks ago, but then there are some of you and us together. They seem to think she’s harmless, just a besotted fan who went too far; she must have realised we were together.”

“That’s kind of creepy.”

“No, that is very creepy. Some stuff is of us here at Home Farm through the window. I'll sort someone to come review the security when I get back.”

I shudder; I don’t like the thought that someone’s been watching us like that. Robert turns towards me and pulls me tighter into his arms; we lie quietly together and fall asleep.

.

I wake with a start hearing the house phone and look at the clock whilst answering; it's just after eleven. Robert wakes more slowly and listens as I'm talking. He can tell something is wrong as I sit up and he rubs my back whilst waiting for me to finish. “It was the police. There’s been a break in at the scrap yard, somebody’s trashed the place and Ashley also reported earlier that Jackson’s grave has been damaged with some dickhead spraying graffiti on it. They reckon it’s some pro-lifers trying to make a statement on the back of all the publicity.”

“You want to go see?”

“No, we’ll sort it in the morning; it’s too late tonight." My phone goes and this time it’s Ashley. Robert motions if I want a drink, I nod and he goes downstairs, returning not long after with drinks and toast. I don’t think either of us has eaten a proper meal today. Robert can tell I’m not very happy. “Ashley has only just gotten hold of Hazel to tell her, which is why he didn't call before. He says she’s really upset; apparently she’s also been getting some grief about what we did. I don’t get why people can’t just leave us alone, instead of dredging everything back up."

Robert gets back into bed, handing me my tea and plate of toast, but I'm not hungry and put the plate down on the side. “I’ll have to call her tomorrow, see if there’s anything we can do to help calm things down. We had all this at the time and it was hard enough then.” Robert tries coaxing me to lie back down, but I brush him off. I need some space and picking up my tea, I get out of bed, “I’m going for a shower.” I go into the bathroom, close the door and get under the shower. Being with Robert makes everything more high profile now and that includes me. It’s going to take some getting used to for both of us I think. I look at the scars on my stomach, watching the water running down over them and trace over the very first one with my fingers. The feeling never really goes away, not completely; but I have Robert and as long as I have him, I know I can stay strong enough. I take forever in the bathroom, but eventually go back to bed. Despite Robert's arms around me I hardly sleep, but he feels warm and safe; that's all I need.

.

Aaron, Tuesday 15th March

I get up well before my alarm; I want to check out the scrap yard before Adam gets there. Robert didn’t want to let me go and kept trying to pull me back into bed, but I wasn’t going to be tempted this morning. I have to smile at him before I leave though; he gives me a huge big wet sloppy kiss and has that goofy grin of his telling me he’ll miss me. I don’t like it when we’re not together at night; it doesn’t feel right anymore somehow. I tell him I’ll miss him too and that I love him lots; I even go so far as to say I'll support United, just this once; because tomorrow night he's playing for us more than United.

TBC


	17. A Promise To Keep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert leaves for the Champions League match in Italy, whilst Aaron stays at the pub.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are going to reference homophobia and anti-social behaviour. So a reminder of my note at the beginning, someone has to be the bad guy in the story.
> 
> I chose Italy for the country of the opposing team because according to surveys I found, it is classed as one of the most homophobic countries in Western Europe. The team name is fictionally represented as A.C. ItaliaX as I don’t want to use a real team name and I don’t know any generic names like United or City that I can use to be non-specific.

Aaron, Tuesday 15th March

The press had already started to hear about the break-in and stuff with Jackson’s grave, so despite it being early, I find reporters already waiting for me when I get to the scrap yard. I'm learning to ignore their shouts wanting me to give a comment and I start to clean up. Adam comes in at the usual time and Paddy not long after to help. There isn’t any real damage, whoever it was had just made a mess of everything in the porta cabin and sprayed pro-life slogans on the walls, both outside and in. I've had some hate mail, but there had been some similar stuff at the time of the court case so we know what to expect. I just have to accept that having it all brought up again now is part of the price to pay for being with someone as famous as Robert and outed in a way that puts us all over the news.

Robert had suggested getting some kind of protection for me, at least whilst he’s gone, but I said no. The family can deal with it if we need to and I don’t want strangers hanging around me all the time; I just need to be patient for things to settle down. It was hard calling Hazel; unsurprisingly, she's still really upset and nothing I could say will make her feel any better about it all. In the end, there’s not a lot I can do other than let her vent. I was going to go up-to the graveyard, but I don't want it to turn into a big thing with the press. I've seen the pictures already anyway; Ashley forwarded copies of what he'd sent to the police to both me and Hazel. It made me really angry; they'll probably be all over the news by lunchtime and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I’m understanding first hand now what Robert explained to me about the media and that there are two types; those that are more interested in news and then move on and those that are interested in a story and not too bothered how they get it or care how much is true. There are a lot more gossip hacks around today and I’m doing my best to ignore them, but they don't pull any punches with their questions and it's hard not to bite. It also reminds me just how messed up my life has been sometimes. It feels like there are cameras everywhere, to the point we can't work properly; so we’ve decided to close the scrap yard for the week. The media daren’t go into the pub though, which is where I’m going now; Cain and Adam both walking with with me for support. They’ve learned to be wary of mum already; in fact the village in general has been protective towards both of us, with quite a few 'incidents' causing some inconvenience for most of the press at some point or another since the news broke.

Adam will help up at Butlers to get ready for lambing and as I’m staying at the Woolpack anyways for the next couple of nights, I'll help out there or at the farm, which will keep me away from the media and around people we trust until Robert is back. He's only been gone a couple of hours and already I can't wait for him to be back on Thusrday. We'll stay over at the pub together; being close to family will be good for both of us after these last few days. Mum might not like it, but I’m in love with him and he’s Diane’s step son, so she’ll just have to get used it.

.

Robert, Tuesday 15th March

Chas’s number comes up on the dash as I’m driving to the Club to join the team coach to the airport and I debate whether to answer it or not. I know I can’t ignore it as much as I'd like to, just in case it’s something important.

“Morning Chas.”

There is no greeting in return however, just Chas going off on one, “There’s press everywhere Robert, what are you going to do about it? They won’t leave him alone. Did neither of you think about the consequences of you being together?“

“I can’t stop them from being in a public place and that’s not fair Chas; we did talk about things, it’s one of the reasons we were waiting to tell people. We love each other; that should be all that matters."

“And how’s that working out for you? Because it’s sure as hell's not working out for my son. You know he got it in the neck from Hazel this morning and he might not say much, but he’s really upset about Jackson’s grave.”

I try not to let her wind me up. I know she’s only worrying about Aaron and I can’t knock her for that, “What do you want me to do Chas?”

“I want you to protect my son.”

“And you think I don’t; I love him too.”

“Maybe you do love him, but he’s not like you; he takes everything to heart, he doesn’t have your armour.”

“Chas I’m doing my best, but he’s as stubborn as you. He wouldn’t entertain it when I suggested hiring some protection for a while just until things die down. He’s going to be at the pub with you the next few days otherwise I would have forced it, but I know the family will take care of him. Just don’t let him go out much or on his own. I love him Chas and he loves me, I’ll do whatever it takes.”

For once Chas is silent, I think I actually surprised her by admitting to loving Aaron so openly. It’s the first time we’ve spoken, just us, since things got splashed all over the media and I grasp the opportunity to try and make her understand. “It will calm down; it’s just going to take a few days. We get the game over tomorrow night and when I come back home, we'll just keep close to family and friends for a while and if we need to get some extra security we will. It’ll be fine Chas.” I pause, but she still doesn’t say anything, “What did Martin say?”

“Pretty much the same. I just can’t help worrying about him and I don’t like seeing him upset by nasty comments and things in the papers and on the TV from people who don’t know anything about him or what he’s been through.”

“I know, but you know we’re right. They’ll get bored soon enough and find something else to write about. Being with me changes his life and it’s going to take time to adjust to being more under a spotlight, but he will and I'll be there to help him.”

I reach the Club car park and pull into my parking space. “Look I have to go. I’ll speak to him later when I get to the hotel.” I switch off the engine and unbuckle my seatbelt, “Chas….?”

“What?”

“Look after him for me please, whilst I’m gone.”

I can hear what sounds like a tired sigh of resignation, “We will.”

“I really have to go; the guys are waiting to leave. I do love him Chas, don’t ever doubt how much.”

“Bye Robert.” The phone line goes dead and I sit back reflecting for a minute. That went about as well as could be expected, she didn’t yell at me so that’s a win. I just wish I didn’t have to leave for the game this week. I smile remembering Aaron earlier before he had left for work. He had made me promise that we have to win and for the first time he might just support United watching the game so I promised him I’d play my heart out, just for him. It’s going to be a hard game for many reasons other than the obvious; it’s a Champions league game and they’re never easy anyway. Italy isn’t renowned for being the most gay-friendly country in Europe and we’re expecting a tough time from the crowd and some of the players probably, especially if we go ahead.

.

The flight went pretty much as usual, the advantage of United having a private jet helps to keep us in our own bubble. Tom is still avoiding me, though trying not to make it too obvious. However we’re sharing a room so we are going to have that conversation whether he likes it or not. On the way to the hotel, I see a text from Aaron and I fire one back telling him I’ve landed, that I miss him lots already and I'll call him later.

As we go into the hotel room, Tom is grumpily banging around with his stuff. “Are we going to talk now?”

“What about?”

I huff a sigh, “Tom sit down will you and talk to me.”

”Oh now you want to talk?”

“What is your problem? Are you jealous or something, I thought you liked Aaron?”

“I do, he’s not the one I have a problem with and I don’t give a shit if you’re gay, bi or straight. What I’m annoyed about is finding out that you’re together from seeing you both practically having sex on the internet. We lived in digs together, you're my best and oldest friend; I thought I knew you Robert as well as you let anyone ever know you. But now I feel as if I don’t know you at all, that our friendship’s a lie. I never once suspected about you and Aaron, or that you’re into guys.”

“It’s not like that Tom. We didn’t tell anyone. Not you, not family; no-one. We wanted to be sure; we wanted some time to just be together on our own and then after I screwed up at the New Year, I thought I’d lost him. He took me back and we talked about things properly.” I sit down on the bed in front of the chair where Tom is sitting, “Aaron would have told people sooner, but I wanted to wait. I had to try and make him understand what it would be like people finding out about us, what a big deal this is in football and for the media; we needed to be sure we were strong enough as a couple first. We’d agreed to tell you and everyone else all at the same time on my birthday; we just didn’t get that far. I’m sorry if you’re angry with me, but Tom we did what we thought was best.”

Tom is still pouting, but I can tell he's softening a little, “Is he your first guy, or have there been others that I didn’t know about?”

“A few one night stands, but no-one ever serious. It was always just a bit of fun, just the same as with all the women; it was always just sex. I haven’t been in love like this since I was a teenager back in Emmerdale.” I smile, “There must be something about Emmerdale hey?”

He looks at me, smirking, clearly coming round a lot more, “Well, we’ve shared a bed after drunken nights out often enough and you never once tried it on so I think I’m safe on that front.”

I let out a half laugh, “You’re not my type.”

“Glad to hear it, you’re too high maintenance anyway.” I crack up at that, thinking Lucy would be amused at this conversation. Tom grins at me, “I wouldn’t have said Aaron was your type either.”

I grin back at him and the tension between us is pretty much gone, “Hhmm, that makes two of us.” I pause, back to being serious for a moment, “I do love you though Tom, you and Isa, you’re my best friends. Are we good? Do I need to have this conversation with Isa?”

He sighs, “We’re good and I love you too, you annoying lump and no, Isa’s French and a lot more like you than I am. She can’t wait to meet Aaron; apparently he’s cute and no I do not want to know details.”

“Good because you’re not getting any.”

“It’s going to take a little while to get used to you being in love and all faithful.” He pulls a frown, “I’m going to have to find someone else now to take over the mantle of leading Europe’s female population astray.” He grins at me and I smack him lightly on his head. “Ow.”

“If Lucy heard that, she would thump you and you know it. Come on, let’s go find the others; the boss wants to watch and analyse more video of ItaliaX and go through tactics.”

.

Robert, Wednesday 16th March

The team are buzzing the same as always on the morning of a big game; we have to win tonight, ideally by a clear couple of goals if we want to be sure to go through to the quarter finals. We are heading out for some light training behind closed doors, before coming back to the hotel for the team meal this afternoon. There is a notable awareness from all the increased media attention, that we are going to have a harder time with me having been publically outed and now openly together with Aaron.

I look at my phone one last time before we leave the hotel and smile again at the text Aaron had sent me first thing this morning, saying 'I love you'. I save it along with all the others. There’s a rule about no phones during training; to avoid temptation and distraction I always leave mine at the hotel out of habit. As captain I’m supposed to set a good example, so I throw it on the bed before we leave.

.

We got back a lot later than expected because of the bad traffic, so we’re already behind schedule for the team meal and the boss likes to run a tight routine on match days. I rush up-to my room for my phone but don’t switch it on until I’m walking into the function room where we will eat and sit down, when I see several missed calls from Chas.

I see Chas ringing again before I even get chance to call her back, “I was just about to call you. Everything okay?”

“Have you spoken to Aaron?”

“Not since last night, he texted me this morning, but I haven’t spoken to him. Why?”

"What time did he text?"

"About six my time I think, not sure; I'll have to check. Why?"

“He’s gone.”

I look around for Martin, but I can’t see him and turn to Tom whispering to him, “Get Martin for me,” He sees the look of concern on my face as I listen to Chas who sounds really worked up.

I move away from the tables where the players are all beginning to sit down, pacing a little, “What do you mean, he’s gone?”

Chas is talking ten to the dozen; I can hardly keep up with her, “We can’t find him anywhere and he’s left all his stuff; he's just gone Robert. I don't know what to think anymore. No-one’s seen him since last night.”

“Slow down, Chas you need to slow down; what stuff?”

“Everything.”

“Specifics Chas, what has he left?”

I come back to the table and put my phone on speaker for Martin to hear as he approaches. It doesn’t matter that the others are here and listening in; they’ll find out soon enough if anything is wrong anyway so I don’t care. I trust them.

“His keys, wallet, passport, phone; everything, he’s just left them all on the table in the back room.”

“He’s probably just gone to Home Farm or somewhere for some space; you know what he’s like. Don’t you think it’s a bit early to be worrying?” It's quiet around us now, the team becoming aware of the conversation.

Martin looks at me hearing Chas, she sounds almost on the verge of panic, “When you spoke to him Robert, did he say anything about what happened yesterday or did he say anything odd in the text this morning?”

“No, he was quiet last night but he just sounded tired; we didn’t talk for long. Chas what happened yesterday?” I look at Martin, really worried now. Chas wouldn’t panic like this over nothing.

“He made us promise not to tell you, he didn’t want you to worry.”

“Chas, will you please tell me what happened?”

“We don’t really know. He wouldn’t talk about it, but Adam said he was in a real state when he found him. He said he was okay and they just roughed him up and wanted to scare him, but he wouldn’t let us call the police or anything and when we tried he lost it with us. Then later Hazel called; I’ve never seen him like that before, he just stood there and took it. We could hear her; she really let loose on him Robert, he was devastated. She’d been getting more crap about Jackson and everything. It was so bad Cain took the phone off of him and told her to back off. Then this morning....., oh god, we don't even know if he saw it or not but someone sprayed ‘murderer’ across the front of the pub during the night. We covered it up before anyone saw, but......”

I'm sat in shock; I can’t believe they didn’t tell me any of this until now, “But when I spoke to him late last night, he said everything was fine; he just sounded tired.” How can I not have known something was wrong; I had no clue and he lied to me. Why would he lie to me about all this? We don't have secrets.

“Well everything wasn’t fine, it isn’t fine.”

“Where did this happen? Why didn’t you call me last night? I don't understand why you didn't call the police yesterday?”

“At the farm, he was helping Adam, but he was on his own for a while. He didn't want us to call the police; he went ballistic saying he’d just lie and cause a scene if we called them or you.”

I get up and start pacing; I'm scared and retort angrily, “Since when does Chas Dingle let her son dictate anything?”

Chas practically yells at me down the phone, “Since he started seeing you.” I don’t know what to say to this as she continues, quieter and more in control, “We were waiting for him to calm down this morning and try and talk him round, but he’d already gone. This is all on you Robert, if he's......”

Martin intervenes, “Chas, with his stuff, did he leave a note or anything?"

“No, not that we could find."

I go back to the phone, "Chas if Aaron really has left, for whatever reason, it doesn't mean that he's.....; I mean he knows how to get false passports and stuff if he wanted to disappear.”

I can hear the fear in Chas' voice and she's crying down the phone as she talks, “Robert all the cash was still in his wallet. Aaron can look after himself in a fight you know that and I know my son. Whatever happened yesterday, it was bad. Something's really wrong Robert and he’s not thinking properly.”

.

“I’m coming home.”

“No, give us some time to find him, you’ll only make it worse if you lose and you weren’t playing. This is what he didn’t want. It’s why he didn’t say anything. He wants you to go on that pitch and say to the world that being gay is okay. You do that for him and leave it to us to find him”

“I don’t care what he wants at this point Chas. I’m coming home.”

I can hear Chas trying to pull herself together, “No, we do care. I don’t want another family to go through what we did when he came out.”

“Yeah and what if he tries to kill himself again now, what does that say?”

“Robert, we know you love him and that’s what matters, not what anyone else thinks. Just concentrate on tonight and you best flamin’ win that game, I don’t want anyone blaming my son for United losing. We have enough to deal with without any more on top of it. Play the game and then come home straight after.” Martin whispers to me, that they’ll have the team jet waiting for me.

“Chas call the police, if you want me to stay here and go on that pitch then you call the police.”

“Cain said.....”

“I don’t care what Cain said, this is Aaron’s life we're talking about; call the police Chas. I hesitate. “Chas....., do you really think he might have hurt himself or.....?”

“We don’t know Robert, maybe. I just know I’ve never seen him like this before. We’ll find him okay. You just play for my son Robert, you hear me and we’ll see you when you get home.”

There’s stunned silence after Chas ends the call. I look at Martin and Tom, “What do you think?”

Martin puts his hand on my arm, “It’s up-to you, you can go now if you want.” I don’t know what to do, part of me knows that Chas is right. Whatever we do, we’re going get some flak from it. I look at the clock, it’s two pm. He senses my uncertainty, “Robert if you stay and you play then you need to be able to switch off and focus on the game, if you can’t do that, then you go home right now and be with your family.”

I take a deep breath and think back to what Aaron had said yesterday morning, “I promised him we’d win,” I laugh a little with the memory, “he said he’d be watching and for one time only he'll even support United. You know he’s a City fan right?” Martin nods. “I want to play. If I can’t do it, just pull me off and I’ll go straight home; I want to keep my promise, maybe he’ll be watching.”

Martin nods, “Okay.” I get up to leave; Tom starts to follow me, but he gets the message I want to be on my own for a while and I practically flee upstairs to our room before anyone sees me crack.

.

There's a knock on the door and Tom lets Martin in. We've been sitting quietly in the hotel room, not really talking, just watching the time on the clock pass by. It’s not long now until we leave for the stadium. “Give us a minute Tom,”

I shake my head, I need Tom to be here. “No, whatever it is, it’s fine.”

“Okay. We’ve spoken with the police and it’s looking quite serious. Aaron was clearly attacked and Chas missed to mention a couple of important details. The problem is he didn’t tell Adam or anyone enough to help work out exactly what happened, but they’re now officially treating him as a missing person even though it’s less than twenty-four hours. They’re going to try and keep it contained until after the game, just in case he is watching and he calls home by choice; but there’s a chance it will start hitting the news before you go out on the pitch. There’s still some press in the village and you know how quick gossip gets around in Emmerdale. You can change your mind at any time and go.”

"Are they sure he left by his own choice? Someone could have...."

Martin Interrupts me, "He was on the first bus out of Emmerdale this morning into Hotten, but then they lose him."

I don't know if I should be relieved at this or not. I can’t stop the first tear from falling down my cheek, “I can’t believe I spoke to him and he never said a word and no-one else told me. How could they not tell me? I don’t…… I even spoke to Vic later; even my own sister lied to me. How did he get them all to lie to me or not call like that?”

“He scared them. I rang Cain, he said Aaron scared them by what he might do. You know the Dingles, they think they can sort things out in the family; it’s what they always do right?”

I nod as I wipe away another tear, “Same with my lot.”

“You still want to play?”

“Yes, as long as the lads are okay with that, but I want to play. I’m playing for him now; I have a promise to keep.”

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure not everyone is happy with the direction this is turning but anyone who reads my stories will know I like to put the boys through the emotional wringer before bringing them out the other side. For all the angst/emotional rollercoaster addicts well it's going to come in buckets now for a while.
> 
> Yes it is 2016 and yes, we like to think we live in a tolerant society, which many of us do, never suffering violence, discrimination or abuse. However plenty of people are affected by these issues. Football (soccer), certainly in Europe, has some elements of supporters that reflect the challenges still being tackled: racism, homophobia, far right views, anti-social behaviour etc. These are the minority but exist none the less and some people suffer abuse and attacks as a result.
> 
> There are also some individuals and groups, even those with a positive message, with supporters or members who demonstrate their points in a not so positive way, not necessarily violent but still in a damaging and hurtful manner.
> 
> There are layers of things happening in this story, it touches on overlapping issues some of which you will find very emotive.
> 
> I want to be clear now on a story point. The graffiti and damage to Jackson’s grave, the scrap yard and pub was done by pro-life activists; the attack on Aaron was not. You will find out what happened with him in future chapters.
> 
> For anyone who finds these topics uncomfortable then it is probably best you stop reading now, it's going to get harder and much more emotional for a few chapters before it starts to get better.
> 
> Thanks for all the warm and supportive comments. They always mean a lot to me. 
> 
> For those of you sticking along for the ride, enjoy (a bit like on my last fic, it feels a little wrong to say that; but human nature and our ability to overcome adversity is undeniably fascinating).  
> Caro


	18. Not The Easiest Of Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and United face a tough match in Italy whilst Aaron is still missing.

TV Football Commentary, Wednesday 16th March

Commentator 1: “Well ladies and gentleman, if you’ve just joined us, United are now close to securing their place in the Champions League quarter finals. Since returning to the pitch for the second half, United have picked up where they left off at the end of the first and have good reason to be confident with a two goal lead courtesy of Robert Sugden. United are playing some of the best football I have seen in a quite some time; the whole team have just been together at every turn, every set play and to be honest deserve to be more goals ahead.”

Commentator 2: “I agree. People were questioning before the game just how United would deal with the pressure of recent revelations regarding captain, Robert Sugden; but they have more than proved their team spirit. Sugden himself has simply been supreme on the pitch this evening. I am sure there will be comments in the official's report about some of the taunting from within the stadium by sections of the crowd, along with the questionable tactics on the pitch by ItaliaX and behaviour from some of their players; but Sugden and his team have shrugged it off and concentrated on playing outstanding football. They really have conducted themselves with a calm that is worthy and should be commended for their restraint. I’m not so sure I would have kept so calm in the last couple of incidents; United’s coaching staff has remonstrated several times to the fourth official. This was not the easiest of games to face this week; the Italian league has been dogged with several issues in recent months and tonight will not help their case. Let’s just hope that United keep their composure and their lead.”

Commentator 1: “Exactly so. I certainly do not envy the referee and officials tonight; they are walking a very fine line between allowing the game to flow freely and enforcing fair play. There have been a couple of instances where the referee has let the game play on, to give United the advantage who after brushing off the challenge, both times came close to adding to their tally; the referee then needing to have words with the offending player after the event.”

“The frustration in the ItaliaX players is steadily creeping in with clumsy tackles as they try and unsettle United’s game. Danis was extremely lucky to stay on the pitch after receiving only a yellow card just after half time. There have now been four yellow cards and Danis is there again, you’d think his Captain would have the good sense to rein him in; he has been permanently mouthing off since the start of the second half, mostly at Sugden and is being spoken to yet again by the referee. If he keeps it up the ref will have no choice but to give a second yellow, sending him off."

Commentator 2: “Oh and that was so close, once more Sugden pushing forward from midfield, laying it off for Shacklock who almost scores, hitting the post. That really was very very close and the United crowd contingent in the stadium is sensing the victory, making themselves heard above the noise of the home crowd. It has to be noted, there is a higher than normal police presence this evening and if ItaliaX continue to niggle and employ dubious, antagonistic tactics, this has every potential of spilling over which would be disappointing and over-shadow what has been a fantastic performance by the United team in an increasingly hostile stadium. The home team are struggling to even get hold of the ball never mind then keep it.”

Commentator 1: “And Tom Shacklock has been practically taken out, oh that was a terrible tackle. Quite right, immediately the referee has shown the ItaliaX wing back the red card, no hesitation. That was simply appalling. Sugden is once again having a quiet word with the referee highlighting that his team are being subjected to chanting from the ItaliaX crowd and presumably regarding the intimidating behaviour of the ItaliaX team which is also increasing along with their desperation to get back in the game. I mean that was such a horrendous tackle; how Shacklock managed to avoid serious injury there is quite astonishing.”

Commentator 2: “Thankfully Tom Shacklock is back on his feet and looks set to stay on the pitch. Time is ticking along as United take the free kick quickly, catching some of the Italian team on the back foot. Once more, out to the wing and straight into the box and this has to be it surely, Sugden’s touch at the far post, after racing in from midfield, is just sublime and he scores. What a goal, but yet again Danis catches Sugden; the ball is in the back of the net but so is Sugden along with it. It looks like he could have collided with the post following on from Danis’ tackle and the United team are just beside themselves.”

Commentator 1: “This is what United have been trying to avoid all night, but finally they react to such an awful tackle, this time on their captain. Officials and more senior team members try to separate Shacklock and Danis, with several players now involved and punches are being thrown left, right and centre.”

Commentator 2: “It isn’t really surprising, seeing such a reaction after what was a very badly judged tackle. Danis, who has a reputation for becoming reckless under sustained pressure, in particular has been on Sugden's case all night. United are three goals clear and are almost certainly now through to the quarter finals, thanks to Sugden’s goal, earning him a well-deserved hat-trick. Surely there will be a red card to Danis; it would be a shame for Shacklock to be also penalised because of his reaction as the officials calm the situation back down, but it will be unavoidable given the circumstances. There it is, red card to Danis and a yellow for Shacklock, with the potential for more as two further players are still being talked to by the referee. The United manager, Taylor, is once more protesting with the ItaliaX manager voicing, quite rightly, his displeasure. However, he will also need to be careful to avoid being sent off, the fourth official looking less than impressed with some of the language.”

Commentator 1: “United’s physio and the first aiders are continuing to attend to Sugden, with the stretcher being brought on and there seems to be some concern with medical staff now being called onto the pitch from both sides.”

Commentator 2: “The teams are thankfully separated and calming down, however becoming aware, as are we and others around the stadium, of the medical attention now being given to Sugden who does not appear to be moving.”

“Let’s take a closer look at the replay and here is Sugden, his touch is perfect despite the pressure of Danis, the ItaliaX centre-back; I mean just look how he comes steaming in. Oh and he's very very late and high; clearly catching Sugden full on after his second touch, putting the ball in the back of the net. You can see how he falls back onto the post with what looks to be quite a force, both upper body and his head making contact; it is no wonder the United players reacted with Danis as they did.”

Commentator 1: “Again if you’ve just joined us looking for the score, we are five minutes from the end of what can only be described as an extremely tough experience for the United team, but they are three goals clear and I don’t see any way back now for the ItaliaX team even with the stoppage time added on. Robert Sugden is receiving treatment for a late tackle, however I’m sorry to have to say that such is the apparent gravity of Robert Sugden’s condition that we will be keeping a safe distance at this time with our cameras. Martin Taylor, United’s coach is asking for more details and permission to go onto the pitch which has been granted by the officials.”

.

Quiet pause.....

.

Commentator 2: “The stadium is now very subdued, there is the odd chanting of Sugden’s name from the United supporters, but it quickly fizzles out as the medical staff continue with their efforts; Martin Taylor and the players watching on.”

Commentator 1: “Well I have to say this looks increasingly serious, with several minutes having passed since Sugden scored and he continues to receive medical attention with what looks to be attempts at resuscitation. One or two of the United players are having to turn away, clearly in some distress.”

.

Quiet pause.....

.

Commentator 2: “It is difficult to speculate, but the match referee has moved away for what is becoming a lengthy conversation with his fellow officials.”

“Depending on how things develop with treatment of Sugden on the pitch, the referee may have an awkward decision to make. The crowd all around the stadium are clearly sensing the seriousness of the situation and any attempts at chanting are quickly stopped by nearby spectators as they watch events unfold in the goal mouth.”

Commentator 1: “It is probably inappropriate to talk too much in the circumstances, with apparent efforts to resuscitate Robert Sugden still ongoing.”

.

Quiet pause.....

.

“With the passing of each minute, questions are seemingly being put to the referee whether it will now be politic or possible to continue this game and that’s a conversation that we understand is happening.”

“The crowd are very quiet as they watch the medical team’s continuing efforts; the stadium filled to capacity with over seventy thousand, now eerily silent.”

Commentator 2: “The referee blows his whistle, calling the teams and support staff who are not attending to Sugden from the pitch, at least for now; we assume to decide if this match should indeed continue.”

.

Quiet pause.....

.

“There is some chanting once more in support of Robert Sugden from the United crowd but again it quickly quietens down.”

.

Quiet pause.....

.

Commentator 1: “We have just received word and the announcement can now also be heard over the tannoy that the game will not continue. The score and fantastic performance of Robert Sugden and his team now rendered entirely redundant by what has just occurred.”

Commentator 2: “We understand the United fans will be held back until ItaliaX supporters are clear from the stadium and surrounding areas, with the police fearful of disturbances erupting due to the fractious nature of the game and the challenge on Sugden bringing this game to an unexpected early and regrettable finish.”

"The home crowd are slowly starting to make their way out of the stadium and we can see an air ambulance helicopter is now descending to land on the pitch, where the medical teams look to be making preparation to transfer Sugden. Well we return you to the studio, whilst our thoughts remain with Robert Sugden, hoping he makes a swift and full recovery.”

.

Wednesday 16th March, Late Evening News Broadcast

“This evening United captain and midfielder, Robert Sugden suffered serious injury after a late tackle in the closing minutes of their Champions League game against ItaliaX. He has been transferred to the capital’s hospital by air, from where we are awaiting further updates on his condition.”

“United were winning with five minutes of normal time to play, ahead by three goals to nil and would undoubtedly have progressed to the quarter-finals after what has been described as far and beyond the team’s best performance this season. It was, however, expected from the outset it would not be an easy night and this proved to be the case. With the home team struggling to get into the game, the United team were playing in a highly charged atmosphere, intendIng to put them off their game.”

“This was the first match for United since the recent statement by Robert Sugden on Monday, making him the first high profile player to come out and announce that he is in a relationship with another man. Unlike their Western European neighbours, where marriage or some form of civil union is recognised, Italy stands alone from the original fifteen EU member states in failing to formally recognise same-sex relationships. The timing has reignited intense debate in Italy, with the Italian media focussing on the United captain and has in all likelihood fuelled some of the antagonistic behaviour during the game, both on and off the pitch.”

“Debate continues on the streets in the Italian capital tonight, which due to the acrimonious nature of the game and the injury received by Sugden, is now threatening to flare up. There are reports of clashes between rival fans, but also between sections of the capital’s own residents as opinions on sport, religion and politics are being expressed in reaction to events during this evening’s game. There is a real risk now that this could turn very ugly.”

“We understand that United are flying their team immediately to the UK as opposed to tomorrow morning which was originally intended, due to increased security concerns. Team coach, Martin Taylor will remain with Sugden and his family are making arrangements to fly to join him as soon as possible. Neither United nor the F.A. has made any statement as yet; however, we expect a statement from the UEFA governing body shortly.”

“In related news this evening, it is not just in Italy where the Sugden family have worries; reports are coming through that Robert Sugden’s partner Aaron Livesy is missing from their home village of Emmerdale. We will keep you updated as we learn more on this and the ongoing well-being of Robert Sugden from the medical staff.”

“We can only hope that Robert Sugden pulls through and his partner is found safely, as we extend our best wishes to the families at this difficult time.”

.

Thursday 17th March, Morning News Broadcast

“A short while ago, medical staff have issued an update regarding the condition of Robert Sugden following on from last night’s Champions League match in Italy where he remains in a critical but stable condition. Robert Sugden has been placed in an induced coma due to an elevated increase in intracranial pressure caused by blunt trauma to the head after colliding with the goal post during the closing minutes of the game. Robert Sugden’s family are now at his side and we have been advised to expect a joint statement from club and family as well as a statement to be issued by the F.A. later this morning, where we believe they will confirm submission of a formal complaint to UEFA."

"There is calm once more in Italy’s capital after several disturbances and some rioting broke out last night on the streets throughout the city; with today key figures across Europe from the sporting and non-sporting world commenting on events that took place, both on and off the pitch. The injury to Robert Sugden resulted from the ItaliaX centre-back Danis' late tackle which no doubt will come under intense scrutiny in the coming days, along with his and the ItaliaX team's tactics which are being seen by many commentators as beyond mere competitiveness but sustained intimidation and discriminatory; with some going as far to say borders on the criminal. Danis is a Lithuanian national, a country with a poor record for homophobic behaviour. Both ItaliaX and Danis have issued statements denying any intention to harm and they do not support homophobia in any way. The UEFA governing body will have to determine if there is a case to be answered after examination of the official's match report and rumours of possible police involvement or an investigation running in parallel are as yet unconfirmed by the Italian authorities."

"West Yorkshire Police have also issued a statement confirming that Aaron Livesy, partner of Robert Sugden, is alleged to have been attacked on Tuesday afternoon whilst working on a farm close to their home village of Emmerdale and is now officially listed as missing. Details behind the alleged attack are sketchy as no official report was made until the family contacted the police yesterday after which Mr Livesy was already believed to be missing. The police are however working on the assumption that there is a connection with his disappearance. Efforts are on-going to locate Mr Livesy, who has a history of self-harm and the police are keen to ensure his safe wellbeing. The police are urging Mr Livesy to contact them at the nearest police station or friends and family and for the general public to report any possible sightings. It is unclear at this stage if he is aware of recent events in Italy."

"We will keep you updated on all of these stories throughout the day."

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder, Danis is not based on any real person. After digging around on the internet, Eastern Europe in general is often less tolerant on many social topics with Lithuania regularly being cited as being one of the most homophobic according to several articles and surveys.  
> As I pointed out a couple of times before, someone has to be the bad guy and I'm relying on stereotypes and generalisations in this instance. No offence to any individual is intended.


	19. Nothing and Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert returns home; to a life without Aaron.

Robert, Sunday 3rd April

I’ve not been paying attention for a while, not that it would seem to matter. I don’t give a shit about anyone or anything other than finding Aaron and what little patience I have snaps, “Shut up, all of you just shut up and give me some sodding peace and quiet for once.” They all turn to look at me, Martin, Diane and Vic; it’s as though they only just remembered I’m actually in the room. “Will you please all leave.” They continue staring at me as though I don’t mean it, which makes me lose it to the point that I get up out of the chair, my fists clenched and am practically yelling at them, “Get out, get out, get out; just get out, all of you.”

Vic is about to say something, but I stop her before she even starts, trying my level best not to raise my voice and keep some kind of control, “Vic just leave, I’ll be fine on my own for a while. This is my life and my house and I think I can manage without twenty-four hour supervision. It's not as though I can’t walk or talk or anything; if I need something I will call. I can’t breathe with having people around me constantly.”

Martin tries to be the voice of reason, “You heard what the doctors said and it’s going to take some time for you to get back to normal. The recovery is a gradual process; everyone is different and you need support, someone around you just in case.”

This time I break and picking up the nearby vase from the table, I throw it against the far wall; my agitation and anger is visible to all of them as I raise my voice again, “I obviously didn’t make myself clear. Get the fuck out of my house, right now, all of you. I mean it or I’ll call the police and have you all thrown out; you too Diane.” I ignore the shocked expressions and I must have looked sufficiently volatile as they all start moving towards the door, saying they are worried, that I need to let them help; thankfully however they all do as they are bid and leave.

I bang the door shut behind them and fall back down against it, the dizziness so bad that I can’t stand up any longer and I breakdown in tears. I can’t seem to stop crying or the shaking, which isn't from any after effects of the coma; just my emotions finally getting the better of me, now that I don't need to hide them from anyone coming running to see if I’m okay. I have my house back to myself for the first time since I came home at the end of last week. I had only been in the induced coma twenty-four hours and a week later had been declared fit enough to be transferred back to the UK and come home. I think I preferred it when I was in the coma, ignorant of all the fussing, the noise and that Aaron hadn't been found still; they should have left me in it, pain free.

.

Apparently I can expect to experience the side effects of the head trauma for quite some time to come, maybe some of them forever. I can reel the list off in my head though, I’ve been reminded about it so often and that’s despite short-term memory loss being one of the things to watch out for; feeling agitated and anxious, uncharacteristic behaviour, dizziness, mood swings, restlessness and agitation, mental and physical fatigue, disrupted sleep pattern, depression. Well I feel all of them at the minute, including being very angry; but it all just fades a little bit now that I finally have some peace and quiet in my own space. At least the shakes stopped last weekend, but everything else....., it’s just a matter of degree; the rest, they never go away, especially the headaches.

Isa left a few days ago; she probably knows me the best out of all of them. I spent so much time with her in France and we often stayed over to sell the idea of our relationship, that she knows my moods better than anyone other than Aaron. She texts me every day, but doesn’t bug me too much and she got Tom to back off; the family though, they are a law unto themselves.

I go upstairs to bed and crawl under the duvet, pulling Aaron’s hoody close into me so I can smell him. It’s the only way I can seem to go to sleep and even then I don’t sleep for long. I can only sleep a full night if I take sleeping tablets. The one side effect I sometimes wish was stronger is my memory loss so I wouldn’t remember every detail about him, every minute I’m awake; his smell, his touch and how he makes me feel and I can’t bear him not being here. We still don’t know what really happened that day to make him leave. All we know is how Adam found him and that it’s fairly certain Aaron only told him a partial truth or simply lied. What I do know is it’s killing me; it’s killing me slowly with each day that passes. Sometimes I fixate on some small thing he did or said and if I forget something or struggle to remember, it makes me really angry and scared; I’m frightened I might never see him again. That’s what I don’t get; that he left after sending the text saying he loves me. How could he send that and then just leave, or was that his idea of a goodbye? The not knowing if he's alive or dead is the worst. I don’t want to believe that he would try to end his own life, that something else was so much stronger for him than we were together; but a small part of me isn’t sure. Why else would he walk away from our life like that?

The police investigation has come to a halt, though no-one’s admitting it to me openly; but it’s obvious. There's no evidence for them to go on and no leads to help them because Aaron just left and disappeared as if into thin air. We’ve had investigators looking and the police are looking, but since he got off the bus in Hotten there’s been no sighting, no phone call, nothing and that’s how I feel about everything; nothing, because it all just feels so empty without him.

.

Next Wednesday is the quarter final for the Champions League but I don’t care, I won’t be watching. A very exceptional decision was made that let the score stand. With being only five minutes remaining to play in Italy and that we had been three goals clear, ItaliaX had requested it and UEFA had agreed. This is without precedent, but the backlash had been strong; between security concerns and everything else it was the easiest compromise for everyone. There will be an inquiry into the match as well as the tackle on me and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover enough to be able to play again; even if I do, I’m not interested. None of it will get my life with Aaron back.

The media have moved on, but I know to expect them hanging around outside mid-week because of the game. I’m not sure they’ll dare go in the village though. They were pretty much run out by all accounts after everything a couple of weeks ago; with a lot of the villagers blaming them for some of what happened.

I’ve seen Chas just once since I got home; she came to visit with Martin. It didn’t go well, both of us blaming the other for not protecting him. In the end Martin had to practically drag us apart to stop us killing each other; I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again any time soon.

.

Robert, 22nd - 23rd April

My family are not very happy with me; in fact no-one’s very happy with me. They all seemed to think they could just walk in and out of my house without asking since I got home; letting themselves in with the spare key we'd kept at the pub, to make sure I’m alright or see if I need anything. They wouldn’t back off, despite my protesting, so I took measures to make them; call it a birthday present to myself, I had all the locks and the code for the gate changed.

They want to have a get together for my birthday, although I kept telling them I don't want any fuss. Wey hey I’ve hit thirty, the big fat three-nothing. I don’t feel any different except relief that I’m now certain of spending the day alone, which is what I want and the rest of them can just go blow. They can keep their presents, their company and their attempts at getting me to do stuff I don’t want to do all to themselves; they can have a good jolly old knees-up in the pub without me just fine. In fact they will probably have more fun without me.

.

I get up late, have a coffee and do my exercises which I find oddly relaxing; especially now there’s no-one around nagging me to do them. The phone keeps ringing, the gate keeps buzzing and I keep ignoring. I potter round for a while and then go watch Die Hard; which from sheer principle I still hate, but it passes the time. I only watch the first one, which I never admitted to Aaron is actually okay; the others I’m not a fan of. I’m restless after that, missing my run, but I’m not going out today; the chances of getting away with no-one seeing me will be nil and I don’t like running on the treadmill in the gym. Instead I go play a game of snooker; I’ve got good at playing for Aaron. It’s actually quite hard to play for him; he’d pretty much got to the same level as me, so there wasn’t much to choose between the two of us. I always have to decide in advance which one of us is going to win. I win today; it is my birthday after all.

I sometimes find myself talking out loud to him for company; the house is so empty and quiet without him and tidy. I’m the tidy one; Aaron just dumps things where he has a mind to want and then never shifts them until I bug him. I miss that; I miss him.

.

It finally gets to the evening, not long until the day is over. I’m sitting in the quiet and the dark with just the fire for company; it’s not quite late enough to go to bed just yet, the time’s dragging. I stare at all the boxes of my medication on the coffee table in front of me after getting a glass of water to take with them; there are several for this, that and the other. Instead I go pour myself a whiskey and have a drink. I’m not supposed to drink, but it tastes good and I relax back staring into the fire; watching the flames and the shadows moving around the room, lost in my own thoughts, doing everything I can to hold onto him.

We had been planning to tell everyone today; it was supposed to be a happy day, not like this and I can’t stop the tear falling that I’ve been trying to stop all day. My gaze shifts back to the boxes of tablets in front of me. In a fit of I don’t know what, I put my glass down, get up and collect them all up in my hands and throw them all onto the fire. I sit back down and have another drink, feeling pleased with myself. I smile amused; in my head I hear Aaron saying, “You see, that’s what a ten year old would do.” When I look it’s getting on for nine o’clock; I down the whiskey, there’ll be no-one around now and I'm still too restless to sleep, so I go get changed and head out back for a run. With it being dark I have to stick to the road mostly; I’d never hear the last of it if I had an accident and tripped going over the fields or on the paths through the woods.

I’m not really paying attention to where I’m running; it’s just nice to be out in the fresh air after being cooped up in the house all day. I’ve no idea how long I’ve been, but I find myself on the edge of the village, staring at the pub. It's the first time I’ve been in the village since he left and I can’t get Aaron out of my head; the tears just start streaming down my cheeks and I can’t stop them.

.

I knock on the door, finding myself at the most unexpected place, stood waiting for someone to answer; but I don’t know where else to go. For some reason I don’t want to go home just yet. The door opens and he just stares at me, probably as shocked to see me standing on his doorstep as I am to be stood here. I’m not really aware that I’m still crying as I follow him inside; closing the door behind us he pulls me into his arms and hugs me, holding me tight. I haven’t hugged my brother for a long time, but it feels good. I see Katie in the kitchen doorway and I pull away from Andy, brushing away my tears with my sleeve, “I should go, sorry.”

Andy looks at Katie and then back to me, “No, you’re not fit to go anywhere in this state, come on.” I don’t know where Katie went, but she leaves us alone; we don’t talk a lot, instead getting slowly drunk late into the night. He never once lectures me about my medication and that I shouldn’t be drinking. We always did understand each other; we’ve been pushing each other’s buttons since we were kids so that there’s nothing we don’t know about each other much, when it comes down to it.

.

I wake up after spending the night sleeping on the settee and rub my eyes; I don't even remember falling asleep. It's early and Andy is already up, getting ready to go to the farm. He passes me a mug of coffee, “You coming then or you changed your mind?”

I take a drink of the coffee and look at the clock, it’s just after six, “Let me open my eyes properly first, I’m out of practice at the early morning wake-up call; that was Aaron’s thing, you know I never much liked getting out of bed early.”

Coffee done, I follow Andy out and spend the day at the farm helping him. I might not have my boyfriend here with me, but he's still my everything and maybe I have my brother back.

TBC


	20. Sweet Dreams With La Fée Verte

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is delaying making a decision on his future in football and celebrates what would have been their twelve month anniversary in his own inimitable way.

Robert, End June

The days pass by, the routine unchanging. I’ve got into the habit of getting out of bed early to go for my morning run; hard as I can push myself for at least an hour, finishing up at Butlers for breakfast where I help out on the farm the rest of the day. Moira is happy; she has herself a free labourer and in exchange I get all my meals for free. Working on the farm helps pass the time, the solitude and quiet help me cope; it’s familiar and a world away from my life playing football. Mostly, if I’m with anyone, it’s Andy; like old times when we were kids, except we get on better now than we ever did back then. It’s weird how things seem to have come full circle; this was my life until I left home to play football professionally. We still don’t actually talk much, in fact we hardly say a word to each other, but at least with Andy I don’t have to hide how I’m feeling. He seems to get that I need him, just in typical male Sugden fashion we don’t openly acknowledge that we care about each other. He puts up with my moods and watches me when he knows I’m struggling or if I get angry and lose it; just by being there he’s the one holding me together most of the time. At the end of the day I usually run home; I keep running until I’m completely exhausted so that by the time I get home I just about manage a shower and then crash into bed. Between all the running and working on the farm I’m probably physically fitter now than at any time in my career.

I don’t go into the village and I’ve pretty much ignored everyone who is connected to football and all my other friends in such a way that they leave me alone now. Only Tom and Martin are stupid enough to keep coming back for more. If they come to see me up at the farm they often get the silent treatment or at the house most of the time I leave them pressing the buzzer on the gate in frustration. Isa calls but I delete her messages and I never call her back; she keeps ringing though, just as stubborn as Tom and Martin.

Vic and Diane come round every Sunday and cook a roast with a mix of family turning up at some point or another in time for when we usually sit down at two. I listen to them all talk, we eat and eventually they leave. Andy convinced me to let them do this; if I give them this time with me, then they leave me in peace the rest of the week. Vic and Diane have to bring all the ingredients with them though; these days my kitchen is empty of food with me eating all my meals at the farm. I don’t see Adam much other than this; the odd occasions we bump into each other at the farm, we say hello, actually stopping and attempting small talk, but we fail miserably. He feels as guilty as I do; he had left Aaron on his own that day to go help Vic and I had left him to go play football.

I have to see a therapist and physio once a week which keeps the doctors and the club off my back, for now at least. The physio is fine as I’m pretty much back to full fitness physically and it doesn't involve the need to talk. The sessions with the therapist are a whole different matter. I don’t have anything to say, not that she wants to hear anyway; no idea what the club makes of the reports back and I don't really care.

.

Arriving home from the farm, I'm exhausted, same as every other day and go round the back of the house where I usually stretch out. I don’t see him at first; there was no car anywhere so he must have walked over and climbed in somehow. No-one has a key or knows the code except Andy who has them, just in case; he has very strict instructions they are to be for emergency use only. I eye Martin cautiously as I do my stretches; he doesn’t saying anything, but is watching me carefully. For once I don’t have the energy to kick off or avoid him and I sit on the steps next to him when I’m done, opening the bottle of water he hands me and I take a drink.

“How many miles do you run each day?”

I take another drink of water and shrug; I don’t actually know, but more than I would in training. I don’t bother answering, instead I concentrate on staring out into the distance; he’s used to the silent treatment by now.

“Robert, I wanted you to hear from me in person,” I still don’t shift my gaze as he pauses, maybe expecting a reaction, “we’ve released the investigators; they don’t know where else to look. Chas agreed; she wasn’t happy, but she knows they weren’t getting anywhere.”

I’m not surprised really. I get a copy of all the reports and I had expected it sooner. Aaron is gone; if he’s alive then he’s done a really good job of staying under the radar. Still in all this time there hasn’t been one single trace of him anywhere. It’s quiet between us for a couple of minutes as we both stare out over the garden. I finally look at him, “Does Chas think he’s alive?”

“Depends on the day, she hopes....., same as you Robert; she lives in hope. You know Chas, she’s like a force of nature and she believes he’ll come home one day. You should come to the pub some time. She’d like that.”

“You think? After last time?”

“Aaron is his own decision maker and we all underestimated some of the initial fallout, but you can’t keep hiding yourself away; it won’t bring him back. She knows you love him; it’s time you both helped each other instead of blaming each other.”

I put the bottle down after drinking it empty, “I’ll think about it.”

I can feel Martin studying me, but I keep on staring forward, purposefully avoiding his gaze, “There’s something else," Martin pauses, "pre-season training starts next week; the Board are asking if you’ll be there.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to disappoint him, even though I know I will; I’m not going back. I haven’t once touched a football since the game in Italy.

“Robert, I know you’re finding it hard, but you’re a born footballer and you can’t change who you are underneath. Please....., come back; the team need you and selfishly I really need my captain. Besides....., Tom doesn’t score as many goals without you to set them up.” I can't hide the hint of a smile, imagining what Tom would say in denial to this.

“Your last doctor’s report gave you the all clear physically; the physio’s report is very positive and the therapist's feedback isn't an outright objection which is a good sign, right? At some point you are going to have start rebuilding your life and we’ll be there for you; me, the team, the families, whatever you need. We miss you; just like you miss Aaron, we miss you. I know it’s not the same, but there are a lot of people who really care about you. I can buy a few weeks for you with the Board, but there’ll come a point where you have to decide. Please Robert, don’t let go; let us help.”

I don’t say anything and I can’t stop a stray tear falling; I don’t really know why. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now; about my life or what I want. I mean, I made my mind up quite some time ago that I won’t ever play again so I don’t know why I don’t just tell him instead of stringing him along. For some unknown reason I'm just not ready yet to make it final. I feel Martin’s hand on my shoulder as he gets up. I can’t look at him; if I do, I know I’ll fall apart. I manage to hold it together when I don’t talk and focus on doing something physical, but times like now it all just comes flooding back and it hurts; it still really hurts.

.

TV Sports News, End July

“After a summer of football, we are already looking forward to the Premiership with the new season just around the corner, kicking off next weekend. United have a tough opening match away from home as they start the new campaign; coach Martin Taylor will most certainly be looking for his team to re-take the title. Despite winning the Champions League, United never fully recovered their consistency in the Premiership after losing their captain Robert Sugden to injury last season; in the end finishing third in the table. Questions are increasingly being asked by fans, sponsors and media alike if Sugden will return to United or indeed to football at all, with no sign of him at any of the pre-season training sessions or friendlies so far. United management and players remain tight-lipped whenever asked, declining to comment. England certainly missed his presence in the Euros this summer, producing an underwhelming performance without his leadership and drive through midfield to provide the edge they were so clearly needing. It will be interesting to see how United come out on Saturday when they face Chelsea, another club with problems of their own.......”

.

Sunday 7th August, The Woolpack

Martin acknowledges Tom as he walks through the door and seeing his face, he asks Chas to pull him them both a pint; by the looks of it, orange juice isn’t going to quite cut it today. Martin and Tom go find a quiet corner with Chas saying she’ll bring the drinks over. Yesterday’s performance was uninspiring from both teams, ending in a nil-nil draw. Until it’s clear one way or another with Robert, it’s like the team aren’t ready to move on; no-one wanting to take on the leadership role whilst there’s still a chance he might come back.

Tom sits down, looking tired as Martin asks, “So, how was he?”

“Honestly? I don’t know boss. We’ve been best friends since we were eighteen and I’ve never known him be like this before.”

“How exactly?”

“You’ve seen him.”

“Yes, but you know him better than almost anyone.”

Chas comes over with their pints and Tom takes a drink before answering, “Quiet, subdued, still can’t get him to talk much. He wasn’t close to ever being like this with anything before, not even when his dad died and there was a whole history with him, but he never let it affect him like this has. He’s running a lot, that’s about the only positive; if he comes back, he’ll be fitter than most of the team. He didn’t admit it out loud but I’m pretty sure he’s seriously thinking about quitting for good.”

”Can you change his mind?”

“I don’t know, Isa already tried; we’ve both tried but he shuts us down whenever we bring it up. It’s a huge step forward that he actually lets us in now whenever we go round. If anyone can get through to him it would be Isa but even she can’t get much out of him." Tom takes another drink, sounding exasperated as he continues, "Boss, I might as well have been talking to the wall today; he just doesn't seem to care....., not about anything or anyone. Have you tried Andy? He seems closer to him now more than anyone else.”

Martin shrugs, “He says just give him time; the problem is we’re running out of time. Football’s a business at the end of the day and United need a captain and players who turn up to training. His fitness reports are really good, even the shrink has given him the all clear to come back to training at least. Now we have this, the Board won’t wait much longer for a more visible sign that coming back is on the cards. We just need to get Robert to want it.”

Tom shakes his head and looks at Martin, “Then we need to find a new approach, because so far everything we’ve tried gets us nowhere.”

“I’m not going to lose my best player because of this Tom; I’m not ready to give up on him so we have to find a way to get through to him and quick. I don’t know how much longer I can give him, before my hand is forced.”

.

Robert, Saturday 13th August

I'm giggling quietly, “Hey you....., stop; that tickles.”

“Awww, but you like it.”

“No, you like making me squirm.” Aaron’s fingers move to gently stroke down my cheek, turning my face towards him.

We’re laid on the floor of the games room; he’s on his side propped up on his elbow, smiling at me. I’m lying on my back next to him, pulling the cover we keep in here over us to keep warm. We’re always too lazy and settled to move upstairs on nights like tonight and end up sleeping down here. I close my eyes, feeling a tingling sensation; Aaron has continued trailing his hand down my front, finally stopping as he rests it still on my inner thigh. He has that look that tells me it won’t be long until it will be moving to somewhere even more enjoyable. Aaron loves to watch me come whilst he controls me with his hand, exactly like he did that first time; I smile at the memory. Nina Simone is playing on the juke box; she’s singing that same song from our rematch twelve months ago. It’s been his song for me ever since that night when I couldn’t tear my eyes from him seductively undressing and touching himself, turning me on. I can't believe it's our twelve month anniversary weekend already. I only have to think about that night and it doesn’t matter where I am, it makes me hard for him and he knows it.

He leans in to kiss me, his lips and mouth, soft and warm......, he’s perfect. I put my hand up to rest on his cheek, watching his eyes sparkling with amusement as his hand moves softly over my dick and then back down to my thigh, “Tease.”

“Mmh hhm,” Aaron's eyes lock with mine; they do for me every time, my heart belonging to him and only him.

“You won’t ever leave me will you Aaron?”

“Never, I love you too much.” He smiles, kissing me once more.

I love how he tastes, “I love you too. Make me come, make me yours.”

His hand moves back to my dick, this time he doesn’t move it away, but starts to play; our eyes never break contact as he answers, “Always.” I sink into the sensation of his hand as he starts to turn me on. I wrap my arm round his waist, pulling his body as close as possible to me. The entire time our faces remain millimetres apart, eyes locked making it super intense between us as he takes his time, holding me on the edge for as long as he can until he finally gives into my begging. The release, as he makes me come, is pure ecstasy whilst hearing him whisper into my ear, “I love you Robert Jacob Sugden.”

.

Sunday 14th August – late morning, Home Farm

“Jesus Christ, Robert, wake up. Robert, can you hear me?” Andy pulls the cover over his brother’s half naked body before Vic sees, feeling relief at finding a steady pulse. Vic comes up behind him, frowning as she picks up the bottle of Absinthe and the fancy silver spoon off the floor, but Andy’s voice quickly distracts her, “See if you can wake him Vic.”

Finally a quiet descends after Adam unplugs the juke box that seems to be playing Nina Simone on repeat. There’s a slight panic in her voice as Vic tries unsuccessfully to wake Robert, “Please tell me he’s just drunk Andy and not taken anything else?“

Andy looks around, “Can’t see anything.”

Vic raises up the bottle in her hand slightly, “What about this mixing with his meds?”

“He burnt all his medication weeks ago; he hasn’t been taking anything since as far as I know.”

Adam picks up the football by his feet, surveying the smashed up games room a moment before starting to collect and pile up the broken furniture and debris strewn around them. Andy fetches a glass of water, picking his way through the broken glass everywhere from shattered photos no longer hanging on the wall; possibly carrying the one single glass not smashed along with the bar and everything in it. Andy crouches down and gently slaps Roberts face a few times to try and waken him, but there is no reaction; so instead of giving Robert the water to drink as he originally intended, he throws it on Robert’s face, but even now the response is still very limited.

“Adam grab his legs; let’s see if a cold shower does the trick.” They carry his dead weight next door into the shower room belonging to the gym and putting Robert into it, Andy turns on the water full blast onto Roberts face and half covered body.

This time the response is much more immediate with Robert spluttering and raising his hands to shield his face from the powerful blast of the cold water. “Turn it off, turn it off will ya. Shit what the hell Andy?” Robert pulls a face; he looks almost the same pasty green as the dregs of his last glass of Absinthe.

“Vic called me; you didn’t answer the door to let her in to start making Sunday dinner. You scared the crap out of her Robert.”

“Fuck, what time is it?” Robert raises his hand to rub his forehead as his senses start slowly returning, making the thumping in his head hurt even more. His eyes drop, looking down at himself seeing how much of a mess he is.

“Eleven-thirty.”

“Aw god. Oh god I’m going to be sick.” Crawling over onto his knees with a speed he didn’t think was possible, Adam and Andy watch him throw up all over the shower floor. He looks finished, but then a second wave hits and Robert spews up another load everywhere.

Andy looks at Adam, “You’d best get Vic to tell Diane and Doug to stay at home, I don’t want Diane to see him like this and there’s no way he’s going to be able to keep food down for a while. Just make something up for now otherwise she’ll worry and want to come over.” Adam nods and goes out to find Vic whilst Andy pours Robert a glass of water. “Here, drink this; let’s see if you can at least keep water down.“ Robert gulps the glass of water thirstily in one go and rests back, narrowly avoiding putting his hand in the pool of his vomit. "You have a good night then I take it?"

Robert scrunches his face up, “I don’t remember anything.”

“I’m not surprised. Absinthe ring any bells?”

“Maybe.” Robert lies down on his side, not caring that he’s started shaking.

Andy grimaces as he looks at his brother, “Get up, let’s get you cleaned up and upstairs into bed.”

With his head on the tiled floor and eyes closed, Robert waves his arm up in the air as if to shoo Andy away whilst mumbling, “Just leave me alone. I’ll be fine.”

Andy starts to lose patience and turns the shower on again, pointing the shower head at Roberts upper body, “Get up, stand up Robert.” With his free hand he half drags Robert up, “Get undressed, you need to get clean, look at the state of you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Look, the sooner you’re clean, the sooner you can go to bed and sleep this off.” Reluctantly Robert starts pulling his clothes off whilst Andy washes the sick away and then switches the main ceiling shower head on and passes Robert the shower gel. “Here, wash yourself whilst I find you something to wear.”

.

Robert, Sunday 14th August – Early Evening

It’s quiet and I'm alone when I wake, but god am I sweating like I don’t know what. I consider attempting to move, but think better of it; my head’s pounding and my mouth is drier than the Sahara desert. After a couple of minutes I decide I need to get up; I really need some water and the glass on the side is empty. I don't get far on the first attempt, but on the second I make more progress and sit up, swinging my legs out onto the floor. Big mistake...., I peer down seeing one foot happily on the carpet, the other in a washing up bowl with what appears to be my sick in it.

Dilemma. Now that I'm sitting up, I’m not sure that I have the energy or the ability to walk to my bathroom, but I can’t get back into bed like this either. I pull a face in desperation, chuntering to myself, “For crying out loud, who put that there. I don't even remember waking up to throw up." I half lift my foot not quite sure what to do next and lacking any obvious solution I put it back down. Elbows on my knees, I rest my head in my hands, "Crap, I feel like death warmed up." The smell of my sick, however, is becoming too much to bear now that I'm kind of awake and in the end I force myself up. I walk into my bathroom, ignoring the trail of sick I'm leaving on the carpet as I go. Before anything else, I drink a huge glass of water and then get into the shower which helps me to feel at least half human.

Once out of the shower, I put on some fresh jama bottoms and t-shirt whilst thinking to myself that I’ll be sleeping in a guest room tonight; there's no way I’ll be sorting any of this out until tomorrow. I clean my teeth a couple of times, washing away the nasty aftertaste of sick and finally plod downstairs into the kitchen. 

.

After switching the lights on, I fill and put the kettle on before opening the fridge, only to remember it’s empty. I close it in despair and feeling the pangs of hunger, I try to think if there is anything at all edible in the house. After opening all the kitchen cupboards, I come to the conclusion there isn’t; just coffee it is then.

Kettle boiled, I fill the cafetière and stare at it, giving it a couple of minutes until it’s just how I like it and after pressing down on the top, I pour myself a large mug of steaming coffee. The first sip tastes so very good when I’m snapped out of my moment of bliss, “I see you’re alive then?”

I look across to the doorway into the hall; I should have known they wouldn’t have left me completely on my own until they were sure I was okay. However, Chas is the last person I was expecting to see.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> La Fée Verte is a relatively common name for Absinthe in French, literally meaning the green fairy. Although I drink Absinthe very occasionally, I didn’t know it originates from Switzerland, which I learned after looking it up out of curiosity; originally produced in a town about an hour’s drive from where I live strangely enough. Absinthe has been proven not to be hallucinatory but it’s strong 45-75% ABV (distilled brands) and it then depends how much ice water you add through the sugar which is the traditional way to dilute it using a special spoon (usually 1 part Absinthe and 3-5 parts water). Let’s just say it might not be officially hallucinatory, but I can attest it has an effect not quite like other spirits I’ve drunk. (Diluting with a flame like you sometimes see in films isn't as good)


	21. What, Ifs And Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is persuaded to return to football.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a long one, but I didn’t want to split this out.
> 
> I'm clueless about farming, so just go with the flow on that bit.

Robert, Sunday 14th August – Early Evening

Chas turns and goes back through the hall whilst I stand alone in the kitchen having been caught completely off guard by seeing her and I debate what to do. In the end, I get some paracetamol out of the cupboard and take two before following her into the living room where I go sit in my favourite chair; I’m curious what she has to say after all this time and I feel like I owe her that at least.

I curl up into the chair, my feet up on the seat resting my mug on my knees, waiting for my coffee to cool down enough to drink properly. A silence lingers between us for a while; it’s dark except for a reading lamp by the sofa next to Chas and the fire is going nicely. It’s quiet for so long, that I close my eyes a little while, hoping this will help my headache to go away.

.

I jump slightly when Chas speaks, “So when are you going to start training? I mean you’re well enough to work on the farm and drink yourself into oblivion, so you must be fit enough to run around a football pitch for ninety minutes on a Saturday.” I ignore the sarcastic tone and don’t answer; avoiding her eyes, just like I do each time with anyone who asks. She continues, her tone though now more serious than before, “You’re not planning on going back are you?”

I remain stubbornly silent, staring into my mug before taking a drink. Chas can talk for the two of us, of that I'm sure. I find myself smiling quietly as I remember how Aaron used to describe his mum sometimes; he always said she was good at talking at him and for him when she had a mind to want.

“Robert.” My head jerks up, her voice pulling my attention back into the present.

“I can’t.”

“Wow, never thought I’d hear those words from the lips of Robert Sugden. You lost your bottle? I mean it’s not really your style is it? Throwing in the towel, hiding away like you're ashamed.”

I huff disbelievingly that she said this; Chas always did have the ability to goad me more than most, “It’s not like that.”

“No? Mmmhh, so what is it like then?”

I dart a fleeting glance at her before staring into the flames of the fire, “I loved the game, the buzz....., all of it....., but what happened changed everything; it’s changed me. What I loved doing most in the world has lost me the person who is my world. I can’t forgive that.”

Chas gives me the hard look, accusing, “You don’t know if you’ve lost him. You think he’d want you to stop playing?”

I look across at her properly for the first time, “How can you of all people say that? It’s been months since he left. Do you honestly think he’s alive, that’s he going to come home?” I’m tired, hungover and not prepared for this conversation, not today. I can feel my tears burning as I struggle to hold them back and I’d been doing so well this last few weeks at not crying, until Chas.

“You can’t let one person or the random few get away with it, that’s not you Robert; that’s not the person my son fell in love with. You don’t give in.”

“It’s not about giving in or giving up. I don’t want it anymore....., any of it....., not without Aaron.”

“And what if he is alive, what then? Look Robert, it’s clear he doesn’t want to be found and he’s probably struggling just like you are, but I’m not going to give up on him and neither should you.”

“He gave up on me, on us.”

“Is that what you really think? Robert you know him better than that. When he decided to leave, he had a reason.”

.

It goes quiet, I’m tired of it all; the what, ifs and maybes constantly turning over in my head. The long and short of it is he left, he might never come back and I don’t know how to move on from that. “What makes you so sure? What even makes you so sure he’s not dead?”

“If he was dead, he’d make sure we would find him.”

“You know how fucked up that sounds Chas? So he’s alive and what, he lets us suffer like this instead, to hurt like this not knowing? Because I don’t believe that either.”

“I think he’s scared and if you want Aaron back then you have to fight for him and you can’t do that hiding away here. You need to be visible; you have to show him that you’re not to going to let this stop you. Tell him that you love him and you’ll wait, show him that you're strong enough for the both of you. If not, then you have to let him go, because you can’t carry on like this; he wouldn’t want that.”

“Why can’t I carry on like this? Why do I have to be the strong one?" I don’t understand why he would put us through this and if it’s because of what happened that day, it scares me. "What if you were right? What if something really bad happened? Like you said, that’s on me, I should have protected him better and I didn’t. So maybe he’s better off without me.”

“You don’t believe that, stop feeling sorry for yourself; self-pity doesn’t suit you. Robert, I’m asking you to have faith in him. You know that he loves you, all the family and his friends. He needs to know that we’re here for him, with whatever and whenever he’s ready. You can send that message from all of us, across the entire world if that’s what’s needed; you have that power where we don’t.”

I feel a tear run down my cheek, “I’m too angry. I can barely hold how I am now together and I blame myself and football for what happened. Chas, it still really hurts and I don’t know if I can control it; if I go back to playing I don’t know if I can separate it out on the pitch.”

Chas comes and sits on the coffee table in front of me, resting her hands on mine she looks at me intently, “Remember I said his armour’s not as thick as yours; it doesn’t mean he’s not strong, he just needs time to deal with things in his own way. Give him that time and let him know you love him no matter what and put yourself out there, make a difference. I know you can do it Robert. Do it for me, do it for him.”

.

Robert, Monday 15th August

It feels odd after all this time pulling into my parking space. I’m still not convinced I can do this or that I want to, but somehow Chas struck a chord; so here I am. No-one stops me as I wander through reception and keep going until I’m stood on the edge of the training pitch. I don’t alert anyone to the fact I’m here, instead I quietly watch the team going through the moves; I can already see who’s made progress and who hasn’t, who needs a kick up the arse and who needs some help. I can’t deny the pull of it, the sounds, the smell, so familiar after all these years; the training ground was my home for a long time. The exhilaration of playing a match in front of seventy thousand is unparalleled, but it doesn’t last long beyond the ninety minutes; it’s the hard graft, sweat and tears of teamwork here that made it feel so good, for me at least.

I’ve been watching for a while, stood unnoticed when the ball comes over in my direction and instinctively I move to stop it, bring it down and return it. This brings the training session to a stop, the players staring, my presence surprising them. Martin doesn’t always attend training, but he does on Mondays so I knew he’d be here today. He comes over, waving to the team and rest of the staff to carry on, but they’re slow to respond watching me from a distance as I turn and head inside with Martin to his office. They know I’m here with a decision, they just don’t know what that means.

.

This time it’s me stood by the office window, Martin getting a cup of water out of the cooler whilst I watch the lads training through the window. They’re trying out a new set piece on one side and defensive moves on the other; it needs some work and lots of practice by the look of it. I turn back and lean against the window sill to stop them from distracting me, waiting quietly for Martin.

Once he’s sitting, he’s the one now quietly waiting for me, “I’m ready to come back.”

His eyes are studying me closely, his face not revealing anything he might be thinking, “Do you want to come back?”

I stare back straight into his eyes, willing him to believe me, “Yes.”

It’s clear that he’s not going to let me do this the easy way, “Are you sure or is this Chas forcing you into something you don’t want by guilt tripping you? “

I smile a little at this, “You should know by now, I don’t do anything I don’t want to do.”

“Usually I’d agree.”

I kind of wasn’t expecting him to be like this, “You changed your mind or something? You’ve spent the last couple of months practically begging me to come back and now I’m here, what....., you don’t want me anymore?”

“You know I do, but for the right reason.” He moves to sit on the edge of his desk so he’s much closer to me, “Physically, you’re fine Robert.”

“What does the shrink say? You get reports from her right, protecting the clubs interests?”

“Training is a good step forward, but the pressure of a game might be too much for you and that might never change.”

I pull a face, “Not sure how she gets to that conclusion, seeing how I hardly talk to her.”

Martin scoffs at my naivety, “It’s her job to read between the lines and the silence; she’s good at it, that’s why we employ her. Let me ask you then. Do you think you’re okay to come back? Play in front of tens of thousands of people, millions across the globe, be a leader, be the captain, soak up all that pressure? It’s not going to be easy at times. Yes what happened triggered a huge shift in football, several players came out over the summer, but that doesn’t make all the problems disappear. No amount of guilt tripping by Chas will help you once you’re out on that pitch; then it’s down to you and your team.”

“Same as always. Racism, gay, they hate United....., England....., whatever; there’s always something. I’ll switch it off or don’t you think I can?”

“I’m not a psychologist and I’m responsible for your wellbeing, both as a manager and a friend who cares. I think I know you pretty well and I don’t think you can heal properly until you go back on that pitch; it’s a part of who you are, a bit like breathing. So I trust you. If you say you can do this, then I know you can, because that’s who Robert Sugden is. The question is….., do you believe you can do this? In your heart of hearts do you want this? Because if you don’t….., then you might break completely.”

Martin and Chas make a good team, because I mean it for the first time, when I say, “I want to try.”

“Okay then, but I have one condition. If you’re not sure at any time or you need help, you have to let us in. Promise me you won’t be like the last few months, because it won’t work when you are part of a team, especially when you need to lead and inspire that team.”

My eyes have never leave Martins', “I know. I can do this Boss; I want to do this.”

I get a long hard stare as he considers my words and I'm beginning to get worried, until I see him relax, “Alright; welcome back Mr Sugden.” He smiles at me, “So, does that mean you’re up for joining the lads this morning, before you change your mind?”

“If you lend me some kit.” I stop Martin as he goes to the door and I sense the shift in me, “I won’t change my mind and I won’t let you down.” He nods in acknowledgement; however, we both know we are moving into the unknown from here on in, there are no guarantees. I grin though as I follow him out, “Anyway, at least you’ll probably find I’m way fitter than they are, I think we can put a few of them to shame, don’t you?”

“Yes please.” He grins back at me, visibly much more relaxed, “Oh how I’ve missed you Robert; just don’t scare them too much, first day back 'an all.”

.

Martin looks an odd mix of relieved and hopeful as we walk out onto the training pitch together after I’ve got changed.

The training doesn’t stop, there is no speech or team talk, I just slot in; the formation automatically shifts to fit and we train.

.

Robert, Mid Aug – Mid Sep

The team got such a shock from how fit I am physically that they spend the next couple of weeks killing themselves trying to keep up. We didn’t hang around getting me match fit as that only happens when you’re playing for real points; so without any pre-announcement before the team sheet was issued, I played an hour for the reserves on Wednesday and was on the first team sheet, starting on the bench on the Saturday where I came on for the last thirty minutes. I didn’t ask for it, but I got handed the captain’s armband as soon as I came on and it was a good day for United, winning comfortably. There was a warm reception from the crowd, both from home and away supporters. I won’t have to get used to that; football supporters sometimes have short memories and are a fickle lot, but it was an acknowledgement and it meant something.

My life is gradually getting back on track in many ways. I help out at the farm a couple of hours most days still and I've had to get used to doing the shopping again. Sunday roast with the family at mine continued, just with more uncertainty as to how many would turn up with sometimes Tom with the family or Martin and Chas coming over, even Moira and Cain. I’ve had the locks and code changed back; I had promised Aaron he had the key to the door as well as my heart, so it would be a bit awkward if he tries to come home and found they no longer work.

Isa came over to help me re-work the games room that I’d destroyed; she designed a nice mix between games, media and a quirky chilled out place to relax. It’s become my favourite room in the house together with the kitchen. These rooms are where we spent our days; these rooms hold most of the memories.

.

Some things don’t go back to how they were. I never go out doing the social scene, so far only making it to Tom’s birthday and even then I left early. The team are struggling with this change in me the most and are still getting used to me being so quiet and reserved in a room full of people. I’m also much less touchy feely with people, so they’re lucky if they get a handshake, let alone close enough for a kiss on the cheek or the chance to come onto me. Some of this is from the injury still I think, I find loud noises and crowded rooms with people droning on endlessly gives me a headache, especially at night; but a part of it is something else.

I have good days and bad with my mood swings. I manage to keep my head clear in front of the team though, having worked out a system with the boss and Tom to help them help me to hide it and work around it if I need to and on a positive note, with each week the need seems to lessen.

All in all, being back playing football is working out okay so far, I’ve been playing really well, the team have been great and I have managed to keep calm when things get tough on the pitch. Considering how I was before, it's going about as well as can be expected.

.

Robert, 12th September

I slam the phone down angrily after finishing a call with my new agent. She’s actually very good and so far I like her, but I wasn’t happy to find out Alex had, a long time ago, signed me up for a fly on the wall twenty-four hours with a magazine journalist and photographer, letting them into my life and my house. I never agreed to do it and he knew I never would have, so he went ahead without telling me. The problem is the same magazine heavily supports some of the charity work we do and it’s also become part of a series on England players now that the world cup qualifiers have started.

I’m not even sure I’ll be playing for England again; we’ve had a first discussion and I’ll join the next training sessions before we make a final decision, but everyone assumes I’ll play in October, because despite being back only a short time I’m already playing almost as good as I ever was. Martin was right, it’s a part of who I am and it just naturally happens once I’m out on the pitch.

People are apparently even more interested in me than they were before although I’m hardly ever in the media by choice now and that’s the thing, it’s the first insight since that game in Italy. The plan is they’ll spend a whole day with me from tomorrow lunchtime until noon the day after. I’ve been trying to get out of it any way I can, but I can’t without causing more hassle for myself down the line so we decided I just have to get on and do it. It has a global audience and this is what Chas meant that night, this is how we communicate with Aaron. It’ll be published next week already as I’m the last of all the players in the series still to do. I know the journalist and the photographer and it could be worse I suppose; they're better than a lot of them.

.

Magazine Interview, 13th September

There is a clear nervousness on both sides as Claire Holt walks through the door to Home Farm with photographer Ned in tow. Emmerdale has become a name to put fear into some journalists and camera crews having experienced a frightening ejection from the village or other experiences at the hands of the villagers earlier in the year. Emmerdale is not considered media friendly territory and she had been wound up by the gossip as to just how receptive Robert will be.

Claire was sent because she knew Robert of old from the social circuit and previous interviews over the years. They were never friends; he had never been her type and he’d never chased after her unlike some she knew, so a solid working understanding had always existed between them. The interview is supposed to be fully open, but she’d been warned through the club to her boss to steer clear of his missing partner unless Robert brings it up himself. She knew he had tried hard to get out of doing the interview, but had relented under pressure. This is definitely not a run of the mill interview in more ways than one.

.

Robert ushers them into the kitchen, offers coffee, looking uncomfortable; not the Robert Sugden she remembers. They start with the basics, tour round the house, deciding where best to take photos before a second tour setting up and taking them. The house is pretty much standard for a rich footballer living on his own.

Taking the photos is Ned's thing, giving Claire time to watch and absorb, interspersed with the odd question here and there. The games room is interesting and seeing him visibly relax more as they enter, it’s obvious Robert spends a lot of time in here. Ned begins taking photos and had got talking about the billiards table with Robert. Claire left them to it, boys talk and is moseying around as you do in new spaces, seeing what’s interesting, passing the time whilst they do the photos. It was only when she felt Robert behind her, making her jump, that she finds herself quickly apologising. He’d caught her looking at a scorecard, titled ‘season end bet’ on the wall showing Robert behind Aaron by two matches. It was the first visible sign she’d seen in the house of Aaron Livesy. She expected Robert to kick off, but he didn’t, he actually smiled; a sad smile, but a smile none the less. “I would have caught him up; there was no way I was losing that bet.”

“What was the bet?”

Robert laughs and for the first time in the afternoon he has a sparkle in his eyes, an energy that wasn’t there before, “Hhmm; that would be telling.”

.

They move on taking pictures in some of the other rooms before going back up into the kitchen early evening to make some food. “What food do you want?”

“You cook?”

“Yes I can cook. Why is everyone always so surprised I can cook?” Robert opens a bottle of wine, setting down a filled glass for Claire and him and knowing Ned well enough from before, a beer for him.

Before they get further in the conversation the phone goes and Robert answers, “I can’t, I have this interview thing. Where’s Moira and Cain......? Oh very nice; and Adam? Oh great, a mass family exodus leaving me on my own, what’s up with you anyway? Alright alright, tell Paddy I’m on my way and I have company.”

Claire and Ned look at Robert curiously after the odd conversation, “Change of plan. I hope you have some wellies in that van of yours.”

.

After getting out of the van at Butlers, wellied up, they follow Robert into a large nearby shed, “Hi Paddy.” He motions to them with his hand to introduce them, “Claire, Ned.” Paddy nods, clearly not happy they are there. They stand back a little, Paddy looking annoyed as Ned takes a couple of pictures, but stops after getting a signal from Claire to hold off for now. They listen to Paddy and then watch Robert check over a cow who has started to calve much earlier than expected and is having complications. Paddy’s phone goes, “I’m late already. Will you be okay on your own for a while? I’ll be back round later.” Watching the conversation, Claire wasn’t too sure he was askng because of the cow, them or both.

“We’ll be fine, you get off and I’ll call you if I need help. It’s not as though I’ve not done this before.” Paddy packs up his stuff and heads out with Robert turning back to face them, “Well you'd best pull up a hay bale and get settled; its going to be a while.” Claire looks startled at this unexpected turn, “Unless, you want to call it a night and we’ll continue tomorrow?”

It’s only just after seven, “Hay bale it is.” Ned wanders round a little, curious with it being his first time on a farm. Claire sits down, now wondering how best to direct the interview.

.

“This the family farm?” Robert gives her a look as if to say don’t play games; he knows she’ll have done her homework, so she starts again, “You like the farming?”

Robert is sat close to the cow laid on her side on the floor, occasionally doing whatever is needed to keep her settled. “Yeah, I might come back to it when I retire, who knows?” Robert moves, stretching his legs out on the ground in front of him whilst resting his head against the brick wall behind him. ”Hated it when I was younger, hated the early mornings and remoteness of it all. Kind of like it now.”

Claire considers her words carefully, “Did you think about retiring this summer?”

“Sometimes; I wasn’t sure at first if I would be able to come back....., from the injury I mean.” Robert moves again to help the cow, who is suddenly shifting agitated. He stays close by now, his hands staying connected, rubbing soothingly to try keeping her calm. Robert looks across at Claire, “Ask the questions you want to ask Claire, its fine.”

“You’re sure?” Robert nods. “You’ve not heard from your partner at all since March? It was here he was attacked right?”

"It was on this farm, but we don’t know where he is or what happened here to make him leave.” Robert pauses in thought an instant, “He texted me saying he loved me, got on the bus and no one has seen or heard from him since he got off in Hotten.”

Claire was about to ask more, but they get distracted, Robert needing to concentrate more on what he’s doing and Claire Holt assists, her first and probably last opportunity helping a calf to be born; quite an experience for a Londoner that had never seen real countryside until she was in her twenties. They end up talking about all sorts for a while, only half staying on topic of the planned interview questions, but this is more interesting; a real conversation. Having seen a birth like this had made things more relaxed. Mother Nature has that impact and without thinking she turns the conversation back to Aaron taking Robert by surprise, “Do you miss him?” Robert looks at her and she starts to backtrack, apologising, but he stops her.

"It's okay Claire." Robert doesn't answer immediately, but when he does, he opens up in a way she never expected possible with him. “Yes, I miss him. I‘d give it all up to have him back and safe. It’s the silly things that get to me, the little things you know; all the things that make him special. When Aaron loves someone, you get all of him and he’s the only person in my entire life that’s ever got all of me, soulmates. So, I’ll wait for him as long as it takes, even if that’s forever.” Claire can't be sure, but notices as Robert wipes away what she suspects is a tear from the corner of his eye and waits patiently for him to keep talking, “He’s a City fan, did you know?” Claire shakes her head. “Just to wind him up I got him a seat at United for as long as I’m playing there. Told him one day he’d give in and come and watch me play; he said he would, that he’d surprise me. His ticket’s still there for him to collect. Stupid I know, but I kind of keep hoping he still will.” Robert stops as they’re interrupted by Paddy returning along with Andy. He covers the visible emotion in his face, quickly turning to pick up his jumper, “Late to the party as usual brother, the calf is doing just fine,” He looks over to Ned and Claire with a grin, “You reckon she’ll get her picture in the magazine?”

Claire smiles back “I reckon she just might, mum too.”

.

Robert approved the copy of the interview without changes before it went to print. It included everything he had said about Aaron and true to her word, picture of mother and calf made it too. For the first time ever, Robert Sugden had put his personal life and emotions on open display. It sold more copies than any other issue all year.

.

United Players’ Lounge, 1st October

As Chas is still going out with Martin, she has started to go and watch United’s home games, getting friendlier with the wives and girlfriends of the players and staff. She usually picks Lucy up on the way; she doesn’t like driving as much being so close to the due date. They are still waiting for Tom, Robert and Martin to appear; most of the others are already showered and having a post-match drink. As usual, their boys are always last, having to pander to interviews and sponsors; United haven’t lost a game since Robert came back.

“I have no idea how you sit through the game with only a couple of weeks to go.” Chas smiles as they watch Tom and Lucy’s two boys playing with the some of the other children.

Lucy smiles fondly, “Practice and lots of trips to the ladies room.”

“You want another drink?”

“No thanks, I won’t make it home if I do, I’ve already spent half the game on the loo as it is.”

Chas laughs in agreement as she spent more of the game occupying the boys than watching it, but she doesn’t mind, she’s not really that into football anyway. Chas stands up considering which way best to go to the bar when her phone rings and answers, but all she hears is a silence and a quiet, steady breathing. Looking to see the number, it just says ‘private’ but she knows who it is, instinct just tells her.

“Aaron.....? Aaron is that you?”

TBC


	22. The Paperwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron leaves Emmerdale and meets someone, who after a bad start, makes him stop and think long enough to give himself some breathing space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mystic Meg was a known astrologer and psychic, doing horoscopes for the tabloid newspaper The Sun.  
> Fag = common British slang for "cigarette", it does not readily have the use/same connotation of a slur as it does in American English. If it is ever used as a slur in British English, context would usually make this clear.
> 
> That you are reading this, unlike watching on TV, means you don't hear in their voices as I hear when I'm writing; so the middle part of this chapter needs you to try and imagine the tone of voice switching between soft and hard, sometimes caustic or sarcastic. Picture two people, both in a place where at first, they just don't have the frame of mind to care or empathise.
> 
> WARNING: Suicidal thoughts

Aaron, Wednesday 16th March - Evening

“Where are you heading?”

I give him the same answer I’ve been giving all day, “Wherever you’re going mate is good with me.”

“Get-on in. I can take you close to Tain before I turn off to make my last drop." He switches the radio to his iTunes as I clamber up into the cab and get settled, “That’s better; nothing ever but trouble, bloody football hooligans running riot.”

"Perfect, thanks."

Eddie is the name of my driver for the next hour and I assume he gives up trying to have a conversation with me upon realising I’ve fallen asleep. I don't sleep long though and when I wake a little while later, I listen to Eddie ramble away whilst staring out of the window, watching the darkness and the hills pass us by until we pull into a truck stop. “Well here’s the end of the line Bartsy, I’m off up thataway to make my last delivery before heading back south. It’s late; I just need to tank up here first and grab some food before they close. You want me to drop you in the town as I go? It's not too far out of my way."

“Here’s fine; thanks for the lift.”

“You’re sure you'll be alright?”

I nod and give a reassuring smile before we both get down from the cab and part ways, "I'm good, I know where I'm going from here. See ya Eddie."

"You take care now Bartsy." Eddie gets distracted talking to another driver and I go in the direction of the toilets where I walk past and round the back, slipping out of sight. He can put me down as just another oddball hitcher in a hoody with a bruised face and a Liverpudlian accent, which I've had fun playing with across the day. I know exactly where I’m going and I disappear into the darkness back the way we’ve just come.

After cutting across the main carriageway and down onto the country road leading off it, there’s no traffic now that I’m away from the A9. I’d seen the signs for Glen Morangie Distillery, about four miles north of here, but that’s one drink I’ll not get to taste. Not to mind, I won’t lose any sleep over it.

.

I hadn’t really got a plan when I got on the bus this morning. I'd left a note, saying I need to get away for a while and would call when I was ready; I didn’t want them to worry. After that, I just hitched with the first truck driver that stopped and in the end I let fate dictate, saying I was okay with wherever they are going; bringing me ever further north. I'd kept my head down and dozed or pretended to sleep most of the day, trying and failing to catch up from a sleepless night. It’s not too cold for the time of year, especially so far north in the highlands. I always wanted to come to Scotland; it's strangely cathartic now I’m here.

I round the bend seeing the bridge over the river that I’d spied on the sat nav when Eddie had pulled into the garage; there’s no point going any further. Here’s far enough away that I can't be seen from the main road and most definitely far enough away from Emmerdale. The road only looked to lead to a pottery so I can’t imagine any traffic coming along here at this time of night. This hadn’t consciously been my intention when I left this morning; I'd just needed to get away and completely off the radar for a while. Mum, Paddy and the others were already beginning to suffocate me, trying to help when they can't and how do I even begin to make it up to Hazel. The more I've thought about it, the more I know I can't go back. I don't want Robert to see me like this and I don't want him to ever find out what happened; he'll never look at me the same again and I'll never feel the same. When he'd want to be with me, I won't be able to give him everything he needs; not like before anyway because I won't be able to shut it out, at least not for a long time. I don't scare easily, but they scared me; for him and for me. It's like a broken record in my head, so I can't be with any of them right now and maybe that won't ever change. It'll hurt too much though being without them, I can't do it and this way, they can all move on sooner rather than later. It's better like this.

Once on the bridge, I jump up onto the wall and pull out of my rucksack one of the six bottles of beer I’d brought with me that I'd nicked out of the Woolpack's cellar before leaving. I walk up and down on the top of the wall, embracing the peace and quiet with my beer exploring the bridge a little. It's similar to the one in Emmerdale, but bigger; the river is a lot wider, deeper and with it the current stronger. Having made the decision has lifted the tension inside me, helping me to relax and I’m enjoying the beer.

.

Having just finished my fourth beer, I'm messing around along the uneven stone of the wall, singing away to myself the one Scottish song where I know the words (You’ll take the high road, and I'll take the low road, And I'll be in Scotland afore ye, But me and my true love will never meet again, On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond). With the alcohol beginning to have an effect, I'm perfectly happy and oblivious in my own world until I hear a voice; it sounds a bit like mum.

“Oi; I hope you’re not doing what I think you’re doing?”

I laugh; it sounds like my mum 'cept for the Scottish accent creeping through. I turn round, thinking it’s my imagination and the beer playing tricks on me, but no, no such luck. Only me could come up here in the middle of nowhere wanting a quiet send off with no hassle and I get probably the one arsey mare for miles around driving past spoiling my fun. I forget I was pretending to be from Liverpool and talk with my normal accent, “Depends.” I’m walking across the wall, my arms out to help keep my balance; I remember this fun, it was fun back in Emmerdale on the bridge there and it’s fun here. I'm wishing I'd brought a couple more beers; oh well, too late now.

“On what?”

I stare down at her as I continue with my walk on the top of the wall, “What you think I’m doing.” Yep, there she goes, hands on hips and pursed lips, could be a replica of Chastity Dingle, my mother; she even looks a bit like her. Great, just flippin’ great; bet she’s got the same gob on 'er 'an all.

“I don’t really care, a bit like you don’t probably care about the poor sod who has to do the paperwork after you’ve done whatever it is that you think you’re doing or not doing.”

Yep; same opinionated gob, “Oh really? Anyone told you, you shouldn’t go around creeping up on a complete stranger in the middle of nowhere when they’re just trying to have a quiet beer and enjoy the night air?”

“Wasn’t by choice.”

“Whatever. Why didn’t I hear you coming again?” She has a car there, but I seriously don’t remember hearing an engine; I haven't drunk that much.

“Sodding car conked out and wouldn’t start so I was rolling it down the hill to see if it would kick start. Clearly it didn’t and now I’m stuck with you; not exactly made my night.”

“Pfft, I'm offended. Then again you probably wouldn’t want to be having fun now would you? I'm having fun.”

“I’m a thirty-six year old secret smoker, I'm driving the shittiest car this side of Inverness, despite the fact my husband runs the best repair garage around for miles, my son's cancer has come back and I'm having a bad day. Why would I want to be having fun?” I stare at her and before I get chance to say anything, she carries on, “Oh and I’ll correct myself, it’s the only repair garage around for miles.”

I can’t help but laugh at that, “Want a beer?”

“I’m driving.”

I pull a face, looking between her and her dead Vauxhall Astra, from 1990 if I'm not mistaken, “Well…., not really.” I'd noticed a boy in the back of the car, sleeping. “That your son?”

For the first time everything about her softens and she sounds totally different, "Jamie."

I let out a big sigh, “You want me to look at it? It’s probably something and nothing; I mean it’s not exactly a car that’s technically challenged.” That said; eyeing the car, it might just be old age and it's not looking in the best of condition, but I'm such a sap for a sob story.

“Thought you were otherwise engaged?”

“I’ve got some time and you’re not exactly going anywhere quick are you?” I jump down and hand her a beer out of my rucksack. “Here you go, have a drink on me; it’ll help soften the blow of the paperwork.” I go and open the bonnet. “Jesus, are you sure your husband’s a mechanic?”

“With other people’s cars. Usually I take his, but he had to go off today so I got stuck with mine and he never gets round to fixing it properly. We have bills to pay you see and I had to give up work to look after Jamie, time and money doesn’t stretch as far.”

I tinker around a bit until I find the problem; it’s just a loose connection, “Try it now.”

“What, you think I’m gonna trust you?”

“Do what you like, but it’ll start.”

"How much have you had to drink?"

She gives me that look, it’s that judgy mother look; they must all get it downloaded after giving birth. You know the one, the one that says they wish they could have switched you for a baby with different genes from a smart dad with a tight arse, “If you’re going to be like that I’ll have my beer back.” I walk past, swiping the beer from her and get back up onto my wall as I hear her try the engine and low and behold it starts.

.

I go back to being busy minding my own business with my singing. I like the wall, it was nice and quiet, comforting even, but she’s still there. I stop and look at her, “What? You don’t like the fact that your car's now doing the engine thing?”

“Oh be quiet....., idiot.”

“Whatever you say.”

“I hate people like you.”

“People like me, wow. You have no fucking idea lady.”

“Definitely not one of them; I just hate people who give up. Just jump why don’t you.”

“Did I say I was going to jump?”

“Not exactly from round here are you? What, no river deep enough in your part of the country, you had to come all the way up here? My twelve year old son might be dying and would give anything to have a chance to live a normal life, but you healthy and alive, just happy to throw it away; makes me fucking mad.”

“I wouldn't say happy about it and I could be ill.”

“But you’re not.”

“How do you know?”

“You don’t have the aura.”

“The aura, oh my god I’m stuck 'ere with Mystic Meg.”

“That’s me, just do us all a favour and get on with it. Molly hates the forms, if you do it now, it’ll save her the job because I’ll get them.”

“Molly?”

“She owns this land and the pottery up the road there; she usually ends up with the paperwork.”

“What you get a lot of paperwork for this kind of thing?"

“You’d be surprised.”

“Not really, life’s shit.”

“To you maybe.” The silence hangs heavy as we glare at each other until she surprises me, her tone softened, “Sorry, I’ve had a bad few days.”

“You’re not on your own there.”

“You got a name?”

“Aaron....., you?”

This gets a grin I wasn't expecting, "Meg." Even I have to smile at that, “You got a cigarette Aaron? I suppose you don’t smoke, would be just my luck.”

I bend down pushing a cigarette half out of the packet which she takes and I hand her my lighter, “Now and then; they’re handy for hitching, some truck drivers still smoke, helps to swing a free ride sometimes.”

“Instead of a good looking boy like you?”

I look at her curiously, “Don’t know what you mean.” Maybe she is Mystic Meg after all.

“No, I’m sure you don’t.” There’s a lull in the conversation as she takes a deep drag on the cigarette, the odd glance into the back of her car checking up on her son, "Where did you get those bruises?"

"None of your business; like I said life's shit."

“How about a lift into town?”

“No thanks, I’m good here.”

“It’s freezing you know?”

“What is?”

“When you jump in.” I look at her; there’s something in how she says that which is just a little bit off. “And watch out for those boulders just underneath on the right, they’re a killer.”

“And you stand there, having a go at me?”

She doesn’t retort as I expected her to; it's like she's assessing me with that steady stare she has, “You got any money and somewhere to stay Aaron?”

“What’s it to you? A minute ago you were telling me to jump off a bridge; I’ll be fine.”

We're both startled slightly hearing a voice from the back of the car, “Mum, who’s that?”

“No-one Jamie, we’ll be home soon.”

“Is he really dying?”

“What do you care? Just jump already.” She takes a final drag on the cigarette and drops it to the tarmac and stubs it out with her boot, "Thanks for the fag."

“Anytime,” I turn my back on her and pull the last beer out of my rucksack.

She still doesn't move to her car, but instead shoves her hands in her jeans pockets and starts shuffling her feet, watching me, "You hungry Aaron?”

Actually, I kind of am after the beer and all this talking; I haven't eaten anything all day, “Maybe.”

“Get in. I make a mean last meal.”

Our eyes lock for a moment, then I look at her son in the back of the car; he looks as pale as anybody I have ever seen and she looks completely done in. I take pity on her for the paperwork and do as I’m told. After gathering my empty bottles, I get in the front seat of the car next to her, putting distance between me and what I've increasingly wanted to do all day. Odd really, I think she would have happily pushed me in when we first started talking.

.

We pull up-to a house attached to the back of the garage where Eddie had dropped me off earlier. Meg gets out without saying a word and fetches some shopping bags out of the car boot before walking to the building. I stare at her as she unlocks the door, debating if I shouldn't just go back to the bridge.

“She’s had a bad day.”

I’d forgotten about Jamie in the back and he catches me by surprise; he’d looked like he was asleep again. “Yeah so she said.” I watch Jamie unbuckle and start struggling to get out.

“Here, let me help.” For someone who’s so ill, he seems to be coping, tonight at least, much better than his mum. “She always like this?

“No. It’s their wedding anniversary and dad forgot, even though I reminded him like ten times.” I support Jamie as we go towards the house. “Were you really going to jump?”

“I thought you were asleep?” He doesn’t say anything but just looks at me. He has that same look as his mum; the kind that sees through the lies and the bullshit. I don't answer his question, but I don't need to.

“I’m glad you didn’t Aaron; Grandma Molly really doesn’t like the paperwork.” I let out a half laugh at this, shaking my head slightly; it's been a long day. I'm tired, I'm hungry, just a little bit drunk and I'm not sure how long it'll last, but I'm still breathing.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for info, anything referenced in the area where they are, both in this and future chapters, is for the purpose of the story and fictional.


	23. Touched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron settles into a new life, but reminders of his life in Emmerdale are ever present.

Aaron, Wednesday 16th March - Evening

It turns out that Meg is married to Sean who I’ve still to meet; apparently he’s back from wherever he was but gone out on a job. He owns the garage with a petrol station, truck stop, cafe and auto recovery servicing this part of the highlands mostly around the A9 and yep, that really is her name; maybe it’s mystic fate after all. Meg was also right, she does make a mean last meal, during which she convinced me to stay for the night. I don't even have a toothbrush; I wasn't really thinking when I left, I just left. However she’s good at the guilt tripping thing; maybe she’s a distant relation of mum, some Scottish branch we never knew we had.

Jamie had eaten much earlier at Grandma Molly’s, he’s looking brighter after a drink but still tired, not surprising as it’s past midnight. I’m sitting down on the settee in the lounge, which will be my bed for the night, when he brings me a pillow on his way up-to bed. I faff around with it and the blanket Meg already gave me whilst Jamie hovers nervously by the settee arm, watching me, “So are you really a mechanic?”

I look at him after finally getting myself in order, “Yes.”

“Will you fix mum’s car properly? Dad never has time….., between work and me.”

I’m not quite sure what to say, the offer of somewhere to sleep was only for the night and my head's all well and truly messed up. “It’s very old Jamie.”

“But you could right, you could fix it?”

I sigh, not sure what to say for the best, I don’t want to disappoint him, “Probably with the right parts, yeah.”

“She’d like that.”

“Jamie, I’m not staying here, you know that right? I’ll be gone tomorrow.”

“You could look at it before you go though?”

His eyes are begging me, somehow making me feel guilty for earlier and I give in to him, “I’ll do what I can Jamie, but no promises alright and you need to clear it with your dad that I use his stuff.”

“I will.” Jamie turns and goes to the door, but hesitates, “Thanks.” With that he leaves me to myself and I lie down resting on my side, head on the pillow as I listen to him plod upstairs. I’m tired and despite all the pain I feel and crap running through my head, helped by the alcohol I go to sleep still in my clothes without even taking my woolly hat or hoody off.

.

Aaron, Thursday 17th March

I half sit up with a start, “Ow, shit that hurt.” I put my hand to my forehead rubbing the spot where I’ve just been attacked with what appears to be a bright yellow digger. I lean back down closing my eyes, still rubbing my forehead where I’m definitely going to have another bruise to add to my collection.

I open my eyes again squinting, to see a small child stood staring at me looking very pleased with himself and I’m about to tell the little monster to go away, when Meg comes in, “Sorry, sorry, sister’s little one, they’re just leaving.” She scoops him up and whisks him away, yelling back, “There’s coffee on the kitchen table, help yourself.” I lie back exhausted; I consider turning over and going back to sleep, but when I look at the clock it’s ten already and I don’t want to outstay my welcome so I drag myself up. I go peer round the kitchen door, still having to squint from the daylight and sun streaming in through the window which is so bright that I have to raise my hand to be able to see properly. Meg and presumably her sister are putting coats on two little ones, “Don’t suppose you have a toothbrush and paracetamol I can have do you?”

“Bathroom, upstairs to the left; there should be some new toothbrushes underneath the sink and paracetamol in the cabinet above”

“Thanks.”

.

When I make it back downstairs, it’s heavenly quiet and I drink a mug of coffee sitting at the kitchen table. There's the local newspaper folded in front of me, but I ignore it; I’m not interested in seeing mine or Robert’s face anywhere in it, assuming anyone up here gives a crap. I'd seen much stronger painkillers in the bathroom cabinet and have pinched as many of these as I dare; a couple to take now and some for later. Paracetamol just isn't going to cut it.

I pull up my hood over my head and my woolly hat, which I haven't taken off since leaving home, down over my ears. This is partly to keep me warm, but I'm also conscious that 'dad' might not react well to having a skinhead in his house and get the wrong idea. I wander outside and start walking over to the workshop; knocking on the side of the door I shiver slightly with the cold, before sticking my head through to see if there’s anybody there. The sun might be shining, but it’s bloody freezing out; it feels much colder than last night. I cautiously enter through the door, shouting hello, not quite sure what to expect. A guy about forty appears from out back, “Sean?”

He wipes his oily hands on a rag and comes towards me; there’s no offer of a handshake so I shove both my hands in my hoody pockets to keep them warm, but he seems calm enough. “You must be Aaron then?” A customer arriving outside gets his attention and he carries on walking out front. I go as far as the door, watching and waiting; then when he comes back inside, I follow him through into the workshop’s office. I brace myself a little as now he gives me his full attention, staring at me. “Jamie mentioned that you offered to take a look at Meg’s car? He keeps giving me grief and I’m already in the bad books, apparently you’re a mechanic?”

I decide to take the least chatty approach, “Yeah.”

“You got a last name Aaron?”

“Barton, Aaron Barton.”

“My wife’s got a soft heart despite her not so subtle chit chat. Says she found up by the bridge; that right?”

I start shuffling a little, not sure where he’s going with the conversation and consider if I should just leg it. “Yeah, was just having a quiet beer.”

“Were you now?” He keeps studying me, weighing me up, “Let’s just say for now I believe you, Aaron Barton.” He nods his head to the forecourt, “Car’s over there, keys are on the hook in the kitchen; let’s see if you really are a mechanic. If you can’t find what you need, just ask.”

.

A few hours later and Meg’s car is definitely running better; not saying it doesn’t still need work, but it’s as good as it’s going to get with the time and parts I have. I go find Sean with his head tucked under the chassis of a truck, “Hi, I’ve done what I can if you want to take a look and then I’ll be off.”

Sean follows me and takes his time checking over my work, “Not bad Aaron Barton. You want a brew?” He tips his head in the direction of the caf’.

I um and ah because I want to get off well before it starts getting dark so I can work out what I’m going to do. Plus I don’t want to be around too many people, just in case; but then again a cuppa would be good. It can’t hurt if I keep my head down and my cold hands could do with warming up, “I don’t have any money.”

“I’ll shout you this once.” He doesn’t wait for an answer and I follow him across and let him order a tea. It’s a typical truckers’ stop, all the food you’d expect with strong tea and milky coffee. I smile, Robert would hate it. Thinking about him makes me suddenly all nervous as I follow Sean over to a table, paranoid that someone might recognise me. At home they knew I’d shaved off all my hair on Tuesday, but they didn’t know I’d also shaved off my beard yesterday before I left. I’m still getting used to how that feels, it feels weird without it after all this time. Meg comes in and throws a smile in our direction which relaxes me a little bit; it looks like she’s working here.

.

There’s no conversation to begin with, Sean sees me looking around nervously and starts to make small talk, “Jamie’s at school, Meg and her sister run the caf’ with some help from part timers. It's mostly truckers, the odd tourist; though we’ll have to see how it goes now Jamie’s treatment has started again.” I don’t really know what to say and just nod at him.

I look at him suddenly, no idea why it sprung to mind, “You know you missed your anniversary yesterday?”

Sean looks at me with a rueful smile, “I was reminded. Meg’s sister’s not as reluctant to call me out on my failings as my wife sometimes is.” I don’t say anything, though the impression I have of Meg is that she’s not afraid to speak her mind either; but it’s none of my business. “Where d’you learn to be a mechanic?”

“Here and there.”

“You got family?”

“Nope.”

“No girlfriend to keep you on your toes?”

“Nope.”

“Don’t talk much do you?”

A hint of a smile sneaks across my face, “Nope.”

Sean smiles back at me. There’s another lull for a while before he continues, “You looking for a job?”

I shrug; non-committal.

“My mechanic left last month, too quiet round here for most people, especially working the graveyard shift. I’m under instructions to offer you a job if you could fix Meg’s car to a satisfactory standard and according to my wife, her belated anniversary present is to make sure you don’t end up back on that bridge.”

I stare at him, but I quickly avert my eyes and focus on my tea instead whilst starting to fiddle with the mug in my hands for something to do. I can feel myself hotting up under the pressure of his gaze because he doesn’t stop watching me. “I don’t have anywhere to stay and I don’t have any money. Why would you do this? You don’t know me.”

“Jamie took a shine to you and apparently Meg feels a little guilty about the conversation last night, but she wouldn’t quite tell me why, but I can guess. One thing you need to know about Meg and that bridge. Her best friend jumped from it and died when they were teenagers, she jumped in to try and save him but couldn’t. She’s never forgotten it and in some ways she can’t forgive it. It’s the place where people from round these parts go....., when you....., well you know?” I don’t say anything. I don’t know what I want anymore, it’s not as clear in my head as it was yesterday. Yesterday I was so sure. I suppose here’s as good as any until I work it out. Sean continues, “Why don’t we do a trial for a few weeks, cash in hand. I’ll dock some rent and you can stay up in the loft above the garage workshop, it’s got floorboards and heating; you’ll have to sort it out, it’s a right old mess in there, but it’s dry and we can make you up a bed. See how it goes?”

I'm strongly tempted to say no, but he seems okay. They all seem okay, except the brat with the digger; I need time to move on from that and I hear myself speak, “That’d be good, thanks.”

We start to get up and leave, when he catches my arm, “One last thing. I don’t care where you got those bruises from or what your deal is, but you steal from me or you do anything you shouldn’t; you’ll get yourself a world full of shit, that’ll make you run back to that bridge so quick your feet won’t touch the ground. I’ll give anyone a chance, but make no mistake; I’m not the soft touch that Meg is.”

I think that was pretty straight forward and I can’t hide a smile; he reminded me so much of Cain, “Message received, loud and clear.” I think I’m going to like Sean.

.

I follow Sean up some old stairs to the loft, Jamie now back from school tagging along; it’s huge. It’s a big open space that spans the full roof of the repair workshop. It’s clearly been used as a dumping ground; it doesn’t look like anyone’s been up here for years. We create some space at the far end, putting up a makeshift bed with an old mattress on some crates and Meg brought me some clean bedding. It’s fascinating what’s in here, nothing would surprise me but something does. “You want to tell me something Sean?” I turn round with my arm lovingly around my new found partner in crime which Jamie, who’s been watching from the side, finds hilarious, “Do you want to tell me why there’s a blow up doll in here?”

Sean takes her from me, “Oh I’d forgotten about her. You wouldn’t believe some of the things you get landed with doing recovery up here in the middle of nowhere; stuff the police don’t want to take with them or that people leave behind.”

“Mmh hhm,” I throw Sean look saying I only half believe him.

“Meg used to threaten I’d have to move up here with only her for company if I tick her off too much.” He pulls a face, “Miracle she never made good on the threat really.” He smiles at me with a glint in his eye, “She’s yours if you want?”

I pull a face back, “Not my type, I’m gay....., so I think I’ll pass.”

“Mmmhh not been given a bloke one yet, but you never know; you could be in luck one of these days. Right then; looks like we’re sorted. Tea with 2 sugars was it?”

I shake my head at him in mock bemusement before following him out, “Yes please.”

.

Aaron, Mid March - Mid April

In the next few weeks, I settle into life with the Scott family. Sean gave me a couple of sets of overalls and Meg had given me some basics like toothpaste, a couple of new t-shirts and underwear from the supermarket and even though I told her there was no need, she does my washing; I wasn’t given a choice on that front. There’s a shower room and bathroom at the back of the workshop, Meg won’t let Sean, me or anyone else for that matter, trail in any of the grubbiness from the garage or yard into the house, which is super spotless. He says she gets paranoid about germs and dirt affecting Jamie’s health, so between all this, I can be pretty much self-contained with everything I need.

I have some money now at least and I’m sure Meg would get me the odd thing from town if I ask her. I don’t ever need to leave the garage if I don’t want to and I don’t; after the first four weeks I haven’t left here once. I've let my hair grow again, but I keep it shorter than I used to and I don’t let my beard grow beyond a day’s stubble. Food I can get from the caf’ or sometimes Meg drags me in to eat with them; she keeps worrying I’ll get too lonely. I’m learning she’s actually more of a Hazel than a Chas; she likes to mother me any chance she gets.

Apparently Jamie’s not officially allowed in the garage, but he seems to have his own opinion on that, because whenever he’s at home, he’s with his dad or me, talking and tinkering. In some ways I envy him; I never had anything or anyone like that most of the time when I was growing up.

The garage is open seven days a week and the graveyard shift suits me nicely. The days are actually quite busy with people, what with the locals and truckers, then the odd tourist not looking where they’re going, underestimating the bends; but it's the quieter time at night working on my own that I prefer. It’s settled down into a pattern where I start at two in the afternoon, spend a little time working with Sean before he goes to pick Jamie up from school and finish at eleven when the caf’ closes and then I’m on call during the night, which earns me extra. So far I’ve only had the one call out after hours and it was okay.

Sean offered me to stay on longer; we get on well so I said yes as long as it's cash in hand which we stick with. I don’t want to be on anyone’s radar and this keeps me well and truly out of sight; the arrangement suits both of us. After that decision we spent a day taking some time to properly clear out the loft where we found all-sorts, including a really old snooker table of all things leant against the wall. Apparently it was Sean’s dads and although he used to play, Sean never has time anymore. Finding this upset me at first, I’d been doing well at blocking out home. Afterwards I needed a few days to push everything away in my head, but I moved on. We pulled it down, set it up and levelled it; since then I've been teaching Jamie how to play. I’m just waiting for the telling off from Meg about encouraging him to be in the not so super spotless loft, but same as in the garage she seems to let it slide. He’s occupied, I enjoy his company and it’s not too tiring for him at the minute with his treatment. It’s a distraction for both of us when I’m not working or sleeping. I don’t watch TV, hardly ever listen to the radio and I never read the newspaper. I have zero idea what’s going on in the outside world and I don’t care; I don’t want to know. I manage to get myself through each day and that’s about as much as I can cope with at the minute. I barely sleep more than a couple of hours at a time and the nightmares come and go when they want; I just catch up on my sleep here and there when I’m not working. I get by.

.

Aaron, Friday 22nd April

I’ve been struggling with my sleep more than usual this last few days, becoming noticeable enough that Meg being Meg tried pushing me to go to the doctors, but I promised her I would be okay. I got that look and since then she’s gone out of her way to mother me all week; I’ve been eating with them at night at Meg’s insistence which seems to be sticking as a regular thing, making sure I get at least one proper meal a day. Sean did say he'd knock it off my wage; I'm not sure he does though. I am touched by their kindness, they are pulling me into the family whether I like it or not and I might be in denial, but they are keeping me alive.

Jamie comes in after school; tired but bored. His mum’s being over protective because of the chemo and he’s fed up. Finding me, he plonks himself down watching and asks me what I’m doing. I show him the key to Robert’s house; it lives around my neck on a leather strap. I’d pulled it so hard during a nightmare last night, I’d broken it. Other than what I was wearing and my bus fare, it was the only thing I took with me when I left Emmerdale. Once fixed, Jamie watches me put it back round my neck and tuck it down inside my top.

“What’s it for?”

“A house I lived in for a while.”

“Your home? You never talk about home.”

“It's not my home anymore; I left.”

“Why?”

“Don’t be nosey.”

“I tell you stuff.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“So why keep the key?”

“You done your homework?”

“Yes.”

“Liar,” Jamie smiles at me; he has a 'tell' when he’s lying and he knows I can now see right through him.

“I’ll do it later. Mum fusses too much; she’s doing my head in.”

“That’s what mums do.”

“So you going to tell me?”

“I told you, there’s nothing to tell.”

“Liar.”

I pull a face that tells him he won’t get anything out of me and I go start working on the truck that needs servicing, “Go do your homework Jamie. Look your mum’s coming, she doesn’t look very happy with you and you’ll get me into trouble.” I watch him as he gets carted off by Meg giving him a lecture as they walk into the house. He can’t resist turning his head back and we share a knowing smile.

.

I finish late, exhausted. It’s been a harder day today, but that’s mostly my own doing; I needed more distraction that usual. I pull my jeans off and crash onto my bed with just the little light on that I have by the side of my pillow. Pulling the key out from under my t-shirt, I start playing with it between my fingers. I hold it up so I can see its shadow against the wall until I finally stop and stare at it before clutching it close to my chest in my left hand.

It’s Robert’s birthday today which is why I’ve been struggling more with my sleep, struggling more with everything. It didn’t matter how much I tried not to, I’ve thought of home all day. I thought of him all day; what he might be doing, who he might be with, if they’re having a party. Every day I have to fight the urge to go back to that bridge; I miss him all the time. I do my best to ignore it by pushing myself with work or spending time with Jamie; but I go to sleep every night holding onto the key like it's the only thing that matters in the whole world. I know I should get rid of it, it’s a constant reminder but I tried already. I threw it away once, but pulled it back out of the dustbin a few hours later. I can’t....., I carry the key just like I carry my guilt for walking away; I left, breaking my promise to him that I never would.

I think back to that first day I gave into him; I probably gave him the best hand job he’d ever had in his life up until then. He was so funny, the looks on his face begging me; I could have done anything that day as long as I let him come. I'm lost in my memories until suddenly I realise that I’m getting hard; it’s the first time since I left. Instinctively my right hand reaches down and I start to stroke myself and I’m getting close, really close, imagining how it used be with Robert. I want to come, it’s been so long that I need to come but then it changes, making me stop. In an instant, I feel sick and have to rush over to a box nearby and throw up into it; this is part of why I can’t go back. I stay on my knees until my breathing steadies and the nausea goes away, before taking the box outside to the rubbish bin, then going for a glass of water and a shower.

.

After a long shower I get out and wrap a towel round my waist, resting my hands on the edge of the sink for a minute. I’m clean as can be after fifteen minutes under the water scrubbing myself; but I’ll never be clean, not ever again. I turn so I can look at myself in the mirror, the markings on my back a constant reminder. No-one has ever seen them, there’s no pain anymore but they're seared into my soul. That day touched deep inside and I can't shake the shame, not even Robert's love is enough to take it away; if anything his love just makes it worse.

TBC


	24. Lifeline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie’s cancer is advancing and a conversation with Sean makes Aaron consider calling home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Self Harm

Aaron, June

It can get lonely living up here for someone Jamie’s age; we’re quite a way out of town so he naturally started spending quite a lot of time with me ever since I arrived. Meg and Sean used to keep coming over to check up on us, but they don't bother now; they know they can trust me with him. Meg is happier knowing that he's close by, either in the loft or tinkering in the garage workshop with me or together with his dad; I just always have to make sure he doesn’t tire himself out too much. We even got Sean to start playing the odd game of snooker with us, the only downside of that is we are guaranteed to lose; he is really good and beats us every time. I’m sure Meg thinks it’s as good for me as for Jamie; other than customers and people at the caf’ I don’t see or talk to anyone except the three of them. In many ways I’ve practically become one of the family, but being up in the loft means I can keep my distance when I need space.

Jamie has quite a vivid imagination and wants to be a writer when he grows up; he's into monsters at the minute and spends hours telling me his latest story. He's actually quite talented and I find it relaxing listening to him; he never seems to write anything down, it just all falls out of his imagination as he talks. Unfortunately, Jamie is also football mad and supports Inverness, better known as Caley Thistle; but I soon learned he supports United in the Premiership as well, just my luck. He doesn't seem to take any interest in what happens off the pitch and I'm sure if he'd recognised me from anything to do with Robert he would have said something by now. His chemo began at the end of March so I didn’t see him too much for a few weeks, but as we started spending more time together he tried to rope me into talking football. He quickly got the hint that I wasn’t interested, with me changing the subject every time. I’m in good company on that front; Sean hates football so Jamie is outnumbered at home and now he knows he won’t get a bar of a conversation from me about it, he doesn’t bother trying with either of us.

Thankfully Scotland didn’t make it through the Euro 16 qualifiers meaning Jamie isn’t too bothered for watching, which is just as well because he’s struggling with the side effects of the chemo so much that he can’t concentrate on anything for long. His hair’s fallen out same as before which he hates. We’d made a bet that if it did, I’d shave mine for a whole month so he watched with amusement as Meg shaved my hair off at the beginning of June and it has to stay like that the whole of June. I hadn’t been thinking when we made the bet, not considering until it was too late how I might feel about it. l think it was maybe a good thing to do in the end for both of us and Jamie thought it was funny; according to Sean, secretly he liked that I’d done it so it was worth it just for this. He knows exactly what to expect through the chemo, sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes not; nor does it make it any easier. He’s been very sick and tired this cycle which is hard to see him cope with.

.

I know I can’t go through my entire life avoiding football, just in case someone mentions Robert’s name. It’s not as though he ever leaves my thoughts anyway; but that doesn’t mean I want to talk about him, United or anything that reminds me of my life with him. I’d been finding it easier until this month, but with the Euros now on it's impossible. I’m giving it a good go though and have resorted to hiding away in the workshop and the loft, giving anywhere with a TV or people as wide berth as possible. We usually only listen to the local radio station in the workshop, but Sean had very quickly banned it, fed up hearing about the Euros and I didn’t object. Sean tells me I’ve been grumpy all month, which I would class more as uncommunicative; I’ve finally bought a phone so I could plug earphones in when I wanted and listen to music, blocking out everything and everyone around me.

No matter how I try though, it’s made everything harder again; much harder. The Scots love to slate the English and earlier today whilst getting a sandwich in the caf’ I’d heard the satisfaction around that England got kicked out in the group stages. I never heard Robert’s name mentioned, but I assume he was playing. Now in bed, quiet and alone, I wonder how he’s feeling; I can’t seem to leave him behind, there’s always something keeping him in my thoughts. I suppose I could leave, but I don’t have a lot of money and let’s face it, it doesn’t matter where I go, football and United are everywhere the world over; here's as good as anywhere to be.

The choices haven’t changed since I arrived. I find myself playing with the key; I wish I could just throw it away and forget, but the real truth is I don’t want to forget him; it’s my own brand of self-inflicted torture. 

In May I was sleeping much better but I’m back to struggling again and have been all month. I give up in frustration going for a shower to try and help me shrug off some of the tension. I run my hand over my bald head, smiling at the memory of Jamie’s face watching his mum with the shaver; but it fades as I remember standing just like this in front of the mirror up at the farm after shaving my hair completely off. I'll never forget the look on Adam’s face when he first saw me and tried to get out of me what had happened. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes; I wonder how long it will be before my old life stops haunting me or will it always be there?

I open my eyes and looking around I see my razor on the side. The Scott family don’t know that they’re my lifeline, but in reality they just numb the pain; they don’t take it away. My gaze is unmoving, my willpower waning until eventually I reach for the razor and force the blade out. My breathing steadies and my eyes close once more as I sink down onto the floor; slowly dragging it across my skin, I embrace the release. It’s the first time since France; just one cut, a little bit deeper and longer than ever before, but that's how it is with Robert. Jackson might have been my first love, Ed was safe; but Robert, he was for the rest of my life.

.

Aaron, August

Since cutting that once back in June I’ve managed to control the urge. Thoughts of Robert and Emmerdale have faded again with the passing of time and by throwing myself into work and the routine of everyday life.

I never like to ask too much about Jamie’s treatment and how it’s going. I’m the person he comes to who doesn’t smother or nag him, I’m his stress relief valve just like he’s mine. Sean talks to me sometimes and I know from him that the chemo isn’t having the effect that they were hoping. Although I know they’re worried, they put a brave face on it for Jamie and that’s usually the face I see. Jamie tells me everything anyway so I just try to keep things as normal as possible for him. I’ve strict instructions from Meg on what to watch for; do’s and don’ts that I need to be much more aware of his energy levels and how he is. Getting Jamie to play along can be a challenge; he doesn’t like having his life even more restricted than before and has had Meg in tears more than once in the last few weeks.

.

Tonight we’re on our own. Sean and Meg had been invited to a friend’s birthday; Meg didn’t want to go but we convinced her, the change of scene will be good for both of them. We closed up the workshop early so I could look after Jamie but I’m not sure who’s looking after whom the most. However I do know which one of us is the messiest in the kitchen and for once it’s not me. Jamie has most definitely not inherited his mother’s passion for extreme tidiness and disinfecting everything in sight. We’d made homemade pizza with lots of topping on, I think Meg would have a fit if she’d seen the state of her kitchen but it’s all clean and tidy now so she won’t be any the wiser. We’d had a laugh and afterwards had come up to the loft where we’ve been playing a game of snooker. Jamie’s on go slow taking an age to decide his next shot; he’s not really been on his game tonight, much more distracted than usual.

I can tell he’s tired, but if I nag him to stop it just makes him more adamant that he’s fine. He’s very stubborn when he wants to be, kind of reminds me of how I used to be. Jamie misses an easy pot and has gone to sit down on my bed, watching me start to clean up, ending the game quickly. I side up, putting the balls away and the cues where they belong on the wall. I switch the big light off and put on the little one before crashing down on my bed, stretching out. My body’s tired, it’s been one of those weeks and I’m shattered; I don’t know about Jamie, but I need an early night and can’t help yawning already.

“Why don’t you like football Aaron? I mean everyone likes football, you must support someone?” I’m not surprised he’s back to his favourite topic with the new season now starting.

My eyes are closed as I relax, my bed might still be makeshift, but it’s really comfy, “Not everyone; your dad doesn’t.”

“Dad’s boring; he likes motor racing and golf.”

“I’ll tell him you said that; lots of people watch motor racing and golf. Anyway to a much more pressing matter at hand, as I won….., again; how many ice creams is that now that you owe me?”

“Huh, just you wait, next time I’ll win and I’ll make you take me to watch Caley Thistle.”

“I don’t think so; I mean who are they again? Are they even a football team?“ I grin and even though my eyes are closed, I know the exact the look he’ll be giving me, “I had to look the name up just to be sure you weren’t having me on.” This always winds him up; he knows I know who they are, but I just keep telling him that no-one’s ever heard of them which always ends up in Jamie hitting me and telling me not to be mean. Tonight he doesn’t even have the energy to do that. “What time is it?”

“Eight.”

I look over at him, “You want to play cards, watch a film?” Jamie is looking as tired as I feel and his eyes keep closing, “You okay Jamie, tired?” He nods, “Why don’t you go get changed for bed? I’ll make you a drink and we can watch a film in your room.” I can tell even he’s at the point where he knows he needs to sleep and he gives in. He’s had a lot less energy the last week, his treatment seems to hit him in waves; sometimes he’s okay and sometimes he struggles and this cycle has hit harder than the others I’ve seen.

We go into the main house and he goes upstairs to get changed and clean his teeth whilst I make us both some hot chocolate, I know I’ll end up watching with him at least until he goes to sleep; Jamie chooses and presses play. I have no idea what he’s picked, my eyes close as soon as I lie on top of his bed, Jamie tucked under his duvet next to me.

.

We were both woken the next day by Meg, who looks a little bit more relaxed than I’ve seen her in a while. Jamie was amused that I’d fallen asleep before him, not that I remember; I was dead to the world. I offered to Sean later that day that they should go out more often and I can look after Jamie; I can’t imagine the stress levels they have running the business and all the toing and froing between here and the hospital in Inverness for Jamie’s treatment. Sean said he’d think about it, but they take me up on the offer. We close up early sometimes and they have started taking the odd night where they do something just for the two of them.

.

Aaron, Mid September

We’ve been to a family wedding, even I’d been invited. Being out all day would be tiring for Jamie and we agreed I’d bring him home after so Meg and Sean could stay on for the night do. Jamie was not happy about this arrangement and kicked up a fuss, he hates missing out on things; but when the time came, he was exhausted and nagging me to leave. Jamie is usually spending more than half the day in bed and he’s nothing like as active as before. He doesn’t go to school and has to do most of his school work at home. They have stopped the chemo; his body isn’t tolerating it anymore and the cancer is advancing instead of shrinking. He has high-grade non-Hodgkin lymphoma and has moved to a stage three. He doesn’t even have the energy to play a game of snooker through; he usually starts and then I take over playing for him, taking the shots based on his instructions. At least he still makes me laugh, giving me a telling off when he thinks I’m not doing it right.

He goes straight to bed when we get home and when I take him a drink he’s fast asleep. I sit and watch him for a while; he looks so peaceful lying there. It’s the first time this last week where I really understand that there’s a risk he might not get better. I know Meg and Sean have been having discussions about putting him into a clinical trial programme to see if they can stop it spreading with alternative treatments but Meg’s nervous about this; I found her crying the other day in the kitchen. I didn’t really know what to say, I just gave her a big hug.

I hadn’t intended staying all this time, making connections and now part of me wishes I hadn’t. It hurts watching him suffer like this but I can’t leave; I’m too attached now, but I don’t know if I can watch him die. I can’t imagine how Meg and Sean feel, he’s their only child. Meg told me she can’t have more; there were complications when Jamie was born. We got talking about what it means to be a parent. I don’t think I could ever be a parent, how do they do it? All the responsibility, stress, but then there’s the good stuff and all the happy times. Meg said something that made me think about my mum and home. I miss her; I miss being able to talk to her about things like this. I’m her only child, just like Jamie is to Meg; I wonder what she’s doing, if she’s still going out with Martin. Does she hate me for leaving and that I've not been in touch yet? I’d said in my note that I would call, but I haven’t. I know that makes me selfish, but I can’t, not yet. I can’t go back and I’m scared if I talk to her that I won’t cope; I know I’m still too close to the edge.

.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by Jamie yelling me and I rush upstairs; he’s thrown up all over his duvet and looks white as a sheet. He’s burning up when I put my hand to his forehead and he wasn’t a short while ago when we got home. I don’t take the risk and I call an ambulance before cleaning him up whilst we wait. They’ll take him into Inverness which is where the wedding was, so when I ring Meg and Sean they’re going to meet us at the hospital there.

Jamie is struggling with his breathing despite being given oxygen and he holds my hand all the way in the ambulance; he’s gripping tight as can be and I have to fight hard not to cry.

.

It feels like an age whilst we wait at the hospital; eventually the doctor comes to tell Meg and Sean they can see him. I know I could go back home and wait there, but I don’t want to. I need to be sure that he’s going to be okay; at least for now.

After a while Sean comes to find me. Jamie has an infection and his immune system can’t fight it properly so he’ll have to stay in hospital until he’s well enough to go home again. I follow Sean up to the ward where Jamie is and get to spend some time with him on my own before being ushered out by a nurse saying he needs to rest but it felt good to see him smile; a tired smile, but a smile.

.

Aaron, End September

It has felt quiet without Jamie around to talk to whilst he’s in hospital; he’s had to stay in a couple of weeks. The first week dragged, it was a quiet week at the garage, which was good for Sean so he could go to the hospital every day without stressing about work piling up too much. I told him I can manage anyway; though I think the work helps him from worrying too much.

This week has been the opposite and much busier than usual but I’ve made sure I still got everything done on time. I’m exhausted so I don’t have a problem sleeping that’s for sure; I’m out like a light as soon as my head hits the pillow. I have another cut, this one’s for Jamie; it got too much that night after coming back from the hospital and it helped. I need the distraction of work as much as Sean.

They’ve decided to put Jamie on a clinical trial, which means much more time at the hospital for the next few weeks to monitor things. Everyone’s doing their best to think positive; the mood at home has lightened now the decision has been made. I’m sure the worry is still there but Jamie is looking much better. I visited him a couple of times this week and he was definitely back to being cheeky; always a good sign.

.

There seems to be have a been a spate of accidents this last week and this is my third night in a row getting called out; Sean comes with me as this sounded to be a bigger one than usual and it might need both of us. He’s in a good mood as they just heard today that Jamie will be coming home in a couple of days’ time.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you know all the words. Who are you?”

Sean grins at me, singing away to the music on his iTunes. This is the first time we’ve been out on a call together and it has a clear down side; I have to listen to his music, “There’s nothing better than a bit of Dolly.”

I pull a face, “I’m in hell.” This makes Sean just turn it up and sing even louder. I’d put my hands over my ears except for the fact that I’m driving so I’m left shaking my head at him in despair. At least it’s good to see Sean smile.

.

When we finally get to the accident, it looks like it was a bad one, with a few cars involved and after Sean comes back from talking to the police he said there had been some fatalities. Sean has been covering this region for a long time now and he knows most of the police really well, unlike me. I always keep out of the way and only get out of the cab when they give me the go-ahead. It’s months since I left home and I’m pretty sure no-one is interested in me anymore, but I still can’t help feeling paranoid being around them and I purposely keep in the background with my hoody up and my head down. Sean knows me fairly well by now and we’ve got quite close in some ways; close enough that he quickly picks up that I’m being unnecessarily shifty.

We finally get the go ahead to take the first two cars and after getting them loaded, we climb back on up into the cab where Sean is looking at me as I start the engine and we pull off. “Aaron, is there something I should know, that you didn’t tell us?”

“No. Why?”

“I think I know you quite well by now and I’ve never seen you like that all the time you’ve been here, except maybe that first week.” I concentrate on the road, not saying anything; doing my absolute best to try and act normal. “Aaron you were definitely avoiding the police tonight. I can’t cope with any surprises on top of what we have at the minute, so if there’s something I should know then you need to tell me. Are you on the run or something?”

I look across at him, “No.”

I know he trusts me and that I’d never do anything to put Jamie or any of them intentionally in danger, but my behaviour back with the police has spooked him well and truly. When it’s clear I’m not going to say anything else, he pushes me more, “A good looking lad like you hiding away up here in the back of beyond. You never go out other than on a call or to pick things up for me for the garage and you always ask Meg to get anything you need from town. I don’t even think in the six months you’ve been here, that you’ve ever even been into town. You must be running from something? I’ve never wanted to pry and I know you had some struggles when you first got here, but I thought that had all settled down now and you were okay?”

“I am okay and I’m not on the run I promise; not from the police anyway.”

“So who are you run from? You know you can trust me and Meg, if you need help you know you only need to ask.”

I feel guilty having worried Sean like this, “I know but you guys have enough on; you don’t need my crap on top.”

“You know us better than that Aaron, you’ve become part of the family and we think the world of you. We couldn’t have kept everything going without you in the last few weeks and Jamie loves you like a brother.”

I sigh, “It’s nothing, just me being stupid.”

I can feel Sean looking at me, “Aaron, you are many things, stupid is not one of them; you wouldn’t stand on a bridge thinking what you were thinking that night without a good reason.”

I'm tired and I don't want to lie to Sean; they've been too good to me to do that, “I'm not wanted by the police or anything like that, I promise. I just don't like being around them, I got into trouble a lot when I was younger." I pause and then look at him straight in the eyes, "Maybe I'm running from myself.” Sean looks at me curiously but doesn’t say anything. I haven't talked about my life with anyone for so long that I want to; I feel the need to open up to him a little, “I was with someone even though I knew it couldn’t work. I resisted as long as I could but he wouldn’t give in; he’s even more stubborn than me and that’s saying something.” Sean smiles at me, he knows I give Jamie a good run for his money on that front. “It could never have worked Sean, our lives were just too different and even though we loved each other the real world kept getting in the way. We tried but something bad happened and I couldn’t stay after that so I ran away.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“No, he’d never hurt me. It was….., it was something else. I’m sure I hurt him though; I didn’t tell anyone, I just left.”

“Do you still love him?”

“Yes.”

“Doesn’t he know where you are?”

“No; no-one does. I left a note for mum to say I was leaving for a bit but I haven’t spoken to anyone back home since I left.”

Sean looks at me oddly, remembering what I had told him when we first met, “I thought you said you didn’t have any family?”

I can't look him in the eye and am thankful I have the excuse of driving, “I lied. Sorry....., I just didn’t....., I didn’t expect to stay and find a home with you. I was messed up and that night the bridge seemed like a good idea; it still does sometimes.” Sean looks at me a little alarmed, “Don’t worry. I’ve resisted this long; you won’t need to go looking for a new mechanic just yet.”

“I never meant….”

I cut him off, “I know.”

“You should call at least to your mum. She’s probably worried out of her mind still; parents don’t stop worrying just because you’re not a kid anymore you know.”

“Maybe.”

“Can I ask you something personal?” I shrug and he takes that as a yes. “When Meg saw you that night, we’re you serious about jumping?”

I hesitate, I was so confused about what I wanted then, it was all too much at the time. “I don’t know. I wanted to; I wanted everything just to stop. Meg had a right go at me, but you know that?”

“She didn’t exactly tell me, but I know she was pissed and upset with you; we’d just found out about Jamie. It brought back old memories and made her angry that you would think about throwing your life away when he has to fight the cancer every day to stay alive.”

I look across at Sean, “I’d swap with him for you if I could.” I hesitate to ask, “Will Jamie get better do you think?”

“The cancer’s spreading quickly; too quick. I don’t know if this other treatment will help, maybe it will give him a lifeline; I don’t know Aaron if this time he’ll be able to fight it off.” I look at him and can hear the sadness in his voice. It’s the first time I’ve heard Sean talk like this; he’s always the positive one. “I want to run away sometimes but I can't leave my family because I need them as much as they need me. It is what it is and we’ll come to terms with it in our own way. We’re just going to enjoy the time we have with him and make the most of every day; hope for the best.”

It’s quiet between us after this until we turn into home where we sit quietly in the dark, neither of us moving to get out. “Aaron you should at least let your mum know you’re okay. I won't tell you what to do, but you know most of the time there's nowhere to run to because you carry the love with you, deep inside. Even if you don’t want to go home, it’s not fair to keep them worrying all this time and thinking the worst. If you love them like I think you do, then do me a favour as a parent, call your family Aaron to let them know you’re safe and still alive." I don't say anything as I watch Sean get out and walk into the house. It's a while before I get down, Sean’s words, thoughts of home and mum rolling around in my head.

TBC


	25. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert moves on with his life, but is he fooling himself that he can let Aaron go completely?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 25 and 26 together.

United Players’ Lounge, 1st October

Chas has that look on her face, she knows it's him. Lucy is staring at her as shocked as Chas, “Aaron? Aaron love talk to me.”

There’s a silent pause until he finally speaks, “Hi mum.”

“Aaron….., oh my god....., it really is you.” Chas doesn’t have the quietest of voices and there is a lull in the conversation around them. All the team and their wives, girlfriends, everyone on the club staff more or less all know she is Aaron’s mum by now; but just at this moment they could all be on a different planet, she is completely oblivious to everything except the sound of Aaron’s voice after all this time.

Chas drops down, stunned, onto the low coffee table in front of where she’d been sitting and for the first time she looks to Lucy who sits up and holds her hand in support. Chas is totally overwhelmed by the emotion so much that she’s close to tears with the relief. She grips Lucy’s hand tightly and Lucy smiles with encouragement as Chas finally manages to ask some of the questions that have been rolling around in her head ever since he left, “Where are you? How are you? Are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

Chas has to smile as this is all she gets, the silence once more hanging, “Talkative as ever I see.”

She can hear even Aaron quietly laugh at this, “You know me.....”

Chas is slowing getting over the initial shock; her voice returning more to its usual tone. She’s desperately trying and failing to hold back; there’s just too much emotion running through her after all this time, “Where the flamin’ hell have you been? We thought you were dead.”

Aaron sounds shocked, “What? I left a note. On the table with my stuff, I left you a note, I promise.”

“What kind of note? Not a .....?”

“No....., no not that kind, just that I needed to get away for a bit.”

“We never found it, Aaron we never found any note. We’ve been so worried, do you not read newspapers, watch the news? Half the bloody country was looking for you and what do you call a bit? It’s been months, you couldn’t have called sooner to let us know you’re okay?”

There’s just silence on the other end of the line whilst what Chas has said sinks in, “Sorry.”

Chas is regretting sounding off quite like that and softens her voice more, “No…., I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that; we were just so worried. You are okay, right? Where are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“When are you coming home?”

Lucy nudges Chas’ knee gently and pushes her attention to Robert who is now stood at the side of the sofa; all around them is deadly quiet with everyone closely watching both of them. Robert’s face is ashen and is clearly aware who Chas is speaking to. Chas and Robert have become quite close since that night at Home Farm and she gives him a smile. He can see the relief in her face, but Robert looks tense and although relieved, his face belies his nervousness.

There’s no response to the question; just the silence continuing to linger between them, “Aaron, please come home, we love you and we miss you; please Aaron.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t? Whatever it is, we can help; please love I’m begging you, just come home.”

“I’m sorry mum, but I’m not coming home.”

Chas can’t stop the tear falling. Despite now knowing he’s alive and they are talking for the first time in months; at this moment Aaron feels further away from her more than ever. She looks at Robert and tries another tack to see if that will make him change his mind, “Robert’s here, do you want to speak to him?”

“I just rang to let you know I’m doing okay. I love you.”

The line clicks dead and Chas’ face falls, saddened that he’s gone so quickly and she doesn’t have the chance to keep talking. “Aaron....., Aaron?” She looks up at Robert as she talks but she knows he’s gone and so does Robert. His face is hard to read exactly what he’s thinking, but the devastation of Aaron’s rejection is there for everyone around them to see and as Chas starts trying to console him, saying “Sorry” he takes a couple of paces back before turning and leaves. He’s practically racing down the stairs and out to his car where he gets in and screeches out of the car park.

Tom had started to follow him, but was held back by Martin, “Give him some space.” They look at each other, both knowing this might undo everything since Robert came back to work.

.

Martin sits down and puts his arm round Chas, pulling her to him. After hearing Aaron's voice again, it has reminded her just how much she’s missed him and the constant effort it’s taken to keep positive and hold it together. Now having spoken to him, her tears seem more sad than happy; feeling a weird combination of relief that Aaron is alive but it’s marred by a deep sadness that he doesn’t want to come home. Wiping away the tears, she starts to pull herself together, “He said he left a note but we didn’t find one, why didn’t we find it?”

“I don’t know; were the kids there?”

“No, just the drayman early on and Marlon was sorting out all his crap. I suppose it could have just got picked up with something else. I don’t know.”

“He’s alive Chas, that’s the main thing now; at least you know he’s alive.”

She looks at Martin sadly, “He didn’t want us to know where he is though; he said he’s not coming home. I know it’s daft, but part of me feels worse now than before, it sounded like he’s never going to come home. What if I never see him again, what then? What if he doesn’t ever want to come home?”

“He will, you just need to let him work it out like you said. Something must have made call after all this time.”

Chas isn’t feeling so sure anymore, Aaron had sounded so determined and then she remembers she isn’t the only one who's going to find this hard, “What about Robert? The look on his face.....”

Martin doesn’t say anything, but looks across at Tom and Lucy, feeling right at this moment that there might be more chance of Aaron coming home than Robert. This is bound to end up in the news; they won’t be able to keep this quiet and that’ll just make everything ten times worse. Robert may not have been exactly back to how he was before, they weren’t that naive, but he was doing alright; who knows how he’s going to react after this. The tiny thread of hope that had helped hold Robert together is gone. In one fell swoop with Aaron’s phone call, Martin had seen the realisation cross Robert’s face that Aaron isn’t intending coming back to him.

.

Robert, Saturday 1st October

I drive home probably breaking every speed limit there is and quickly grab some overnight stuff shoving them into a small rucksack. I get something out of the games room that I never got round to taking down; it had been part of the hope that he might come home, but there’s no point now. I need to get away for a bit to sort my head out so five minutes later I’m driving the bike out through the bottom gates to avoid using the main entrance. With luck no-one will remember we had a bike, so hopefully they won’t be looking out for me on it.

I stop at a service station and get as much cash out as it would give me so I don’t have to pay for anything on card, fill up and instinctively drive up to Aysgarth. I head back to the country pub where we had stayed and had talked about our future together; it’s as good a place as any to say goodbye to it, to him.

.

The car park is quite busy when I get there, but fortunately there are no people around. I know I can’t go into the hotel with my helmet on, but I pull down my hat and wrap round my scarf; maybe I’ll get away with it. It’s a different person on reception to who I remember when we were here before and I’m not thinking smart, using the same name as last time. The guy is older than the average receptionist; I know he’s realised who I am and I’m about to say forget it when he calmly hands me the key, “You’re in room twelve Mr Dingle; you’ll find it’s nice and quiet, out of the way. I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed and if you need anything ring this number instead, ask for Ian and I’ll see to it personally. I don’t particularly want a hoard of press frightening off my other customers.” He hands me a piece of paper with a mobile number on it. I look at him, trying to work out if I can trust him and I decide to take the risk; there’s something in his voice that makes me believe him.

Once up in the room I have a bath and keep dipping my head under, holding it there in an attempt to shut the world out and I find it oddly relaxing. My heart’s been racing ten to the dozen since hearing Chas talk to Aaron. I’ve never been so relieved about anything to know he’s alive and by the sound of it, he’s okay. Now I need some time alone, time to process everything and decide what I want. I stupidly thought at first when I heard Chas on the phone to him that maybe he called because he read the article, that this is what made him reach out and just maybe he was thinking of coming home; now I know he’s not.

I call the mobile number to order some food and a bottle of wine which Ian brings, during which I learn he owns the pub and everything together with his partner. Back on my own, I stuff my face hungrily and after finishing off the bottle I go to bed. I sleep amazingly well considering; maybe it’s just simply the relief of knowing Aaron’s alive.

.

Robert, Sunday 2nd October

After breakfast in my room I arrange with Ian to stay for another night, telling him I don’t really know my plans after that yet. I get on the bike and head off for the day, just driving around through the countryside and stopping where I fancy. I have the unhealthiest burger in the world, the club's nutritionist would have a hissy fit if he saw but I don’t care. I don’t really think about Aaron, in fact I don’t really think about anything. Instead I just switch off from it all, taking in the views and enjoying the quiet. It’s early evening when I get back in and not long after Ian comes up telling me it’s been on the news that people are worried for my safety and I should probably let someone know I’m alright.

I hadn’t thought to let anyone know, I just assumed they’d know I need some space. I text Martin and Diane that I’m okay, that I’ll be back training Tuesday and not to worry; then I switch my phone back off to ponder what I want to eat.

.

Robert, Monday 3rd October

On Monday after breakfast I walk up-to the falls following the same footpath as last time we were here and sit on the same bench. It’s not raining, but it’s not the nicest of days; cold, damp and misty.

It had been clear from the look on Chas’ face and the conversation that Aaron doesn’t want to come home. A couple of months ago I think this would have ended me, but thanks to the stubbornness of our family and friends I’ve come a long way since then. They refused to give up on me and helped me to carry on after Italy and Aaron leaving. Even though it won’t ever be the same again, I know I need to concentrate on rebuilding my own life; a life without him.

I don’t have any tears, just sadness as I look down at the scorecard that I’d taken from the games room wall and smile remembering the end of season bet we made and the fun we’d had, the playful banter and making love after each game. I don’t know what keeps him away or why he left and I still can’t imagine being with anyone except Aaron. I had promised that I would wait forever but who knows, maybe one day I’ll find someone else to share my life with; forever is a very long time. One thing I’m sure of is that whatever the future holds, I’m never going to stop loving him; but I am going to take Chas’ advice from that night at the house when she convinced me to go back to training and I’m going to let him go.

I get up and walk to the edge of the river, the water’s gushing past at a rare old pace as I pull the box of matches I’d taken from reception out of my pocket. After striking a match I light the scorecard, letting the ashes fall into the river and watch them float away with the current, “You win Aaron....., you win.” Long after it’s burnt and carried away by the flow of the river, I continue to stare downstream; I’m reluctant to leave the water’s edge, but eventually I do and turn away to make my way back to the hotel.

At the hotel I get my stuff and pay Ian what I owe him, thanking him for his help in keeping quiet about me being here. He said next time if I need a place to escape just to give him a call. I might just take him up on that; I like it round here.

.

After checking my phone, I know the press have been told I’m away for the week to get them off my back and there’s only a couple hanging around outside when I get to Home Farm. I spend the next few hours sorting out Aaron’s stuff, boxing and bagging it all up before packing them into the Land Rover.

I drive to the back of the pub and unload everything, carrying Aaron's things up-to his room where they belong. It’s amazing how much he’d accumulated at the house. Chas is leaning against the doorframe of the back room; she doesn’t say anything or stop me as she watches me quietly. There’s just one item which makes me hesitate at leaving, but I do. I fold Aaron’s hoody that I’d spent all these months sleeping with and place it on top of one of the boxes; I rest my hand on it for a minute, a final goodbye. I’m not even sure I can smell him on it anymore; it hadn’t mattered, it was his.

I leave his room, close the door and go downstairs into the bar for a pint. I join Andy and Moira after seeing them sat over in the corner. I don't really add anything to the conversation; instead I'm okay watching and listening to everyone around us. Chas came over at one point and said I can probably expect a rollicking from Martin about just going off like that and not telling anyone, that people were worried. I’m surprised I didn’t get a telling off from her or Diane, but they let me be. I think we’ve all had an odd few days in our own way since Aaron’s call.

.

Robert, Early October

Chas was right; I got a rollicking from Martin. I let him get it out of his system, patiently waiting for him to finish and then went out to train with the others.

It had been expected that I would play in the World Cup qualifiers, there’s a match on the 8th and then the 11th but I pull myself out of the squad giving a strong indication that I will probably retire from international football; it’s time to let the younger ones have their chance. After a long conversation with the England manager, who had tried to talk me out of my decision, we agreed to leave it open for a while to see if I wanted to reconsider.

It was all over the news and there was lots of speculation if I'm quitting international football but I leave them to it and don't confirm one way or another. My decision wasn’t just because of Aaron, but also because it feels too soon to play internationally again after what happened in Italy. I’m not sure I’m quite ready for that yet and after everything now if England plays badly I’ll get the blame and I don’t need the pressure.

.

Robert, Mid - End October

Everything pretty much settles back down how it was before Aaron’s call except I’ve made a few changes.

I’m working hard and enjoying playing club football; it doesn’t hurt that I’m playing some of the best football of my career. Down side is that I can’t seem to do right for wrong; England had a tough couple of games. Although they got the points, they played abysmally; scraping a win against Malta and winning from an own goal against Slovenia so I got some of the blame for this by default of not playing.

When Chas tries to talk to me about Aaron, I find an excuse to leave or change the subject; he’s not a part of my life or my future anymore and she needs to get used to that. I’ve started to go with the team on nights out and getting back into the social scene. Everyone tells me that I’m more relaxed and open, apparently the charming cocky self that they all remember. The one thing that doesn’t change is I still don’t let people get physically close to me. I have no interest in going with anyone, not even just for sex, no matter how many people throw themselves at me and plenty try. Instead I’ve joined forces with Tom, encouraging some of the younger ones in the group to have as much fun as possible and they do a fabulous job. The fact that Tom is a father for the third time doesn't seem to have dented his enthusiasm; we always were incorrigible together, getting up-to mischief one way or another. Some of the results we get from our endeavours are very entertaining; it’s a laugh. 

I’ve always had to do charity work for the club and England, it was never an option not to, but I’m getting more involved in some by choice outside those I have to do officially. I enjoy it in a way I never did before.

In every way I’m busier now than I’ve ever been and life’s perfect. As far as most people are concerned Robert Sugden is in top form, both on the pitch and off; the perfect captain, the perfect friend, even the perfect brother. I almost convince myself, but try as I might, underneath everything there’s still the emptiness and an underlying tension in me all the time no matter where I am or who I’m with. I’m not quite the same Robert as before that game in Italy and those really close to me who know me best see it too.

.

Robert, Beginning November

England are set to play against Scotland on the 11th in the World Cup qualifiers, the last one this year and I’ve been bombarded by everyone, from the England manager to the bloody cleaner at United, wanting me to play to help England pick up their game. In the end, it’s Martin who talks me round, saying it would be a good way to finish my international career by helping England get through qualification, plus it’s always a good feeling to beat the Scots. I just shake my head at him, but I give in and agree to play.

TBC


	26. Into The Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron agrees to watch the England Scotland game with Jamie. The emotions of watching Robert play overwhelm him, pushing him over the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: self-harm / attempted suicide
> 
> When I started writing this chapter I had zero intention of it taking Aaron this far over the edge. I blame my rather eclectic music collection on my ipod and Katherine Jenkins' Adagio.
> 
> Posted chapters 25 and 26 together.

Aaron, Friday 11th November

Jamie’s new treatment has been tough and he spent most of October in hospital, but he was finally allowed to come home a few days ago. Meg’s stress levels are high, she’s constantly worrying if they’ve made the right choice, but the alternative isn’t a good option either. For the first time in weeks the cancer seems to have stopped advancing and is holding. We now have to wait and see if it starts to shrink. He’s had to stop with his schooling altogether as he’s not well enough to concentrate and he’s hardly been able to leave his bed since coming home.

Encouraged by strong support from Sean, Jamie has talked me into watching a game of football with him. I didn’t have the heart to say no after Jamie had a go at Sean who was making a drama out of been forced into it, so instead he’s covering work for me during the game. We’ve been so busy in the workshop with winter coming that I only just make it into his room in time for kick-off; Jamie giving me a telling off makes me smile, he is just like Meg when he does this.

Jamie was all cocky in the beginning, saying that England had been playing really badly and Scotland are going to beat them hands down tonight; but it’s clear after the first ten minutes that England are the better team. Seeing Robert for the first time since leaving home is an indescribable feeling but I try to hide my emotions from Jamie; I don’t want him to see me get upset. I’d managed to avoid thinking about it since agreeing a couple of days ago by working myself so ragged that I hadn’t had any time or energy to dwell on things. Jamie is leaning against me as we watch and it doesn’t take him long to pick up on my weirdness. When he asks me what’s wrong, I just fob him off and tell him that I was being all sentimental having missed spending quality time with him whilst he was in hospital.

Having missed the preamble and with the commentary focussing on the game, I still don’t know anything about Robert since I left, but I learn that this is his first international this year. They didn’t say why, I suppose they assume the average viewer would know already. The commentators were right about one other thing, Robert is playing unbelievably well. England are playing well as a team and although it’s a good game to watch in general, my eyes never stray from watching Robert; he looks so good, same as he always did.

Part of me is happy for him and part of me jealous that he can move on; I know it’s not as though I’ve given him a choice. Robert always was the strong one that way out of the two of us; he can do almost anything when he sets his mind to it. It’s part of why I love him and why I had to leave.

.

During half time Jamie switches the sound off not wanting to listen to the pundits’ chatter, depressed that Scotland is already two down. He sits up restless and rambles on to pass the time, where he tells me that Robert is his hero and how good it would be to meet him.

“I thought your team is Caley Thistle and how can the England captain be your hero? You’re Scottish.”

“He’s captain of United, they’re way better than Caley Thistle.” Well I’m not going to argue with him on that point. “I like watching United better; if you’d ever watched with me before you’d know that, but I always have to go to Uncle Stuarts if I want to talk football. You’re as bad as dad, you don’t even like football.”

“I never said I don’t like football, just said I wasn’t interested in watching.”

“Same thing.”

“No, it’s not.”

Jamie looks at me confused and makes me smile, “You’re weird. So who do you support then?”

“City, I’ve always been a City fan.”

He pulls a face, “United are better.”

“If you say so.” I smile at him, not wanting to get into an argument; I’ve supported City all my life and I’m not going to switch allegiance now or anytime.

“They got hammered by United four nil last season and not exactly top of the table this season; United are six points clear, City are rubbish”

“Says you the Caley Thistle supporter, where are they again in the league?”

“Whatever.” Jamie hesitates, “United play City in December, will you watch with me then?”

“We’ll see.”

“You know they’ll lose though? Robert Sugden’s too good in midfield for them; City don’t stand a chance.” Jamie is getting tired, yawning as he sees the teams coming back out onto the pitch. He turns the sound up with the remote so we can hear and then leans back against me, pulling my arm around him.

It’s ten minutes in when I realise Jamie has fallen asleep, I reach over for the remote and turn the sound down quieter. I lie him down properly and tuck him in under his duvet but I stay with him in his room and watch the rest of the game which England win. I even stay to watch the pundit's match analysis and see Robert give his post-match interview. It’s like a world of emotion crashing down on me all at once and I can’t stop crying. I’m still crying when knowing the match is finished, Meg comes in to kiss Jamie goodnight. She thinks I’m crying because of Jamie who has snuggled back up-to me and I quickly excuse myself, needing some time in the bathroom to compose myself before I go into the workshop.

.

Sean had finished everything off for the night and was just going in when I finally make it into the workshop. He tells me to close up early and leaves me to it. I lock up but I find myself pottering round, restless and unsure about how I feel. I can’t get Robert out of my head; everything about him is invading my thoughts, his voice, his eyes; I take the key off from round my neck and stare at it. I miss my family and I want to go home, I want to be with Robert so badly; but I know I can’t and I hate myself for not being as strong as he is. I should never have let Jamie talk me into watching; I’d been okay until tonight, but now I don’t know how I’m going to cope.

Putting the key down on the side, I pull myself together enough to finish tidying up the workshop until I come across the blow torch I’d been using for welding earlier in the day. I stare at it and fire it up, my eyes fixated on the blue flame. Without thinking I move across to pick up the key and place it down on the surface we use for welding small parts and heat it with the lit torch until it is glowing red. Using some pincers I lift it and stare at the hot metal glowing. It's not really a conscious decision as I lie down on the floor and lift my t-shirt off over my head, but closing my eyes I place the key on my stomach, crying out from the pain of pushing it down hard ensuring the key makes full contact with my skin. I remember the first time I’d felt this kind of pain; it’s pure pain, different to the cutting because it hurts a lot more. My body is taut, trembling from the shock and I can’t prevent gasps escaping as I try to breathe through the pain.

I stay lying on the floor with my eyes closed for what seems ages as I let the emotion wash through me. It hurts just like Robert’s love, forever burning into my consciousness and I don’t want it to stop; I start to cry as the sensation changes to a constant throbbing, but it’s not enough. I’ve lost all too quickly the release I get from the acute pain of the initial burn. The key is resting on my stomach, still sitting in the damaged skin that the burn has created and I leave it there. Picking up the blow torch, I roll my head to the side and switch it on. The flame is beautiful, dangerously beautiful; it wouldn’t take much, just some petrol and the pressure of my fingers and it could be all over.

I switch the gas off and sit up, resting my head in my hands on my knees; it’s too close to the house, it’s too risky here and this is Sean’s business. I don’t want it to end up in flames because I lose control and I don’t want Jamie anywhere near.

I get up and pull my t-shirt back on. Putting Robert’s key, now much cooler, in my jeans pocket I walk outside. I don’t have a coat on, but I’m oblivious to the November rain, the cold or anything around me as I walk the same route I had eight months ago when I first got here. This time there’s no beer, no singing as I get up on the wall of the bridge and no hesitation as I step off; falling into the water, I willingly let it take hold, pulling me down into the darkness.

.

My eyes are heavy and refusing to open; I can hear the mumble of voices as I try to work out where I am. It’s cold, I’m shivering and confused; nothing makes sense and everything hurts as I feel hands prodding and moving my body. When I try again to open my eyes I close them immediately from the searing pain and a blinding light shining. My whole body feels like it’s been put through a wringer. I wait a little more and this time I manage to open my eyes but everything’s still very fuzzy; I turn my head to see someone I don’t recognise and I think he must give me something because I quickly drift back into the darkness of unconsciousness.

.

Aaron, Saturday 12th November

I don’t know how long I’ve been out for, but when I wake the next time; I’m on my own in the quiet. I lie still, trying to piece together how I got here and slowly the memories start to come back. There’s a slither of light coming through the curtains and I look around the room a little; I’ve only ever been in here once before but I know where I am. I put my hand down to my stomach trying to feel if I did what I remember doing; it doesn’t hurt, but that might be from whatever drugs I’ve been given. Moving my hands over my upper body, all I feel is bandages and strapping around my ribs and shoulder; when I let my hand drift down further, it’s there, the burn of Robert’s key. It’s not my imagination then, it was real.

I start to panic, wanting to be anywhere but here. I try to get out of bed but instead crash onto the floor being unable to hold up the weight of my own body. My eyes are closed as I lie on my side, breathing heavily from the effort and I realise that people have come into the room; I can hear the voices but not the words and I lack the strength to fend off the hands lifting me back onto the bed. I remember feeling the prick of a needle and my sigh of relief as I quickly drift to sleep once more.

.

Next time I wake, again I feel the angst building in the pit of my stomach, but I learnt my lesson last time and try not to move much. I doze for a while until I can get to the point where I can keep my eyes open properly.

It feels weird lying here and I’m not too happy about it, but I don’t have the energy to move either. I’m pretty sure I have broken ribs and my shoulder feels like crap, but to be honest, my entire body feels like crap. I think about trying to move and get out of bed. I’m naked, that much I’ve worked out and I don’t see my clothes anywhere. I decide to stay put in the peace and quiet a little longer; I’m pretty sure once out of this room, I’m likely to be on the receiving end of Meg’s anger and I’m not quite ready for that. It’s her and Sean’s bed that I’m lying in. I don’t know how, but they must have seen me and pulled me out. Well Meg’s not the only one who can get angry, it’s not her choice if I live or die; that belongs to me.

.

I must have gone back to sleep because when I next open my eyes, there’s no light coming in through the curtains, so it must be dark outside. I sit up, ignoring the screaming pain from my body which is much worse than before. I look around for something to wear and see Sean’s dressing gown hanging on the back of the door. I find the energy to lift myself cautiously out of bed and walk the few steps over to it where I have to lean against the door for a minute until I get my vision back and the room stops swirling around me. Eventually when everything stops moving I pull on the dressing gown and open the door. I pause, stood at the top of the stairs and look over into Jamie’s bedroom but it’s empty with his bed made. Tentatively I walk down the stairs which takes me a while; the pain is in control of the speed I can take each step.

I hesitate, hearing voices in the kitchen; it sounds like just Sean and Meg. I take a deep breath and open the door, not really knowing what to expect.

.

They both look tired as I hover in the doorway, not quite sure what to do. Meg hardly looks at me as she moves to the sink and starts cleaning it down, even though I’m sure it doesn’t need any cleaning. It’s Sean who breaks the silence, “You hungry?” I nod and Meg might not be talking to me, but apparently she’s going to cook for me. After putting a pot of tea and a mug on the table in front of me, the silence reigns except for her clattering round making me a bacon and sausage sandwich which she knows I like.

There still isn’t really any conversation as I drink my tea and eat my butty. Meg is sitting back down at the table, so I know the lecture is inevitable; I guess I’m just going to hear it on a full stomach instead of an empty one. I pour myself another tea from the pot, getting shakes of the head after offering some to both of them. “Where’s Jamie?”

It’s Meg who answers, “He’s gone to stay with my sister for a couple of days and no, he doesn’t know before you ask.”

I don’t have the energy to feel guilty; at this moment I don’t have the energy to feel much of anything at all really, “How did you find me?”

Sean looks at me quietly for a moment before answering, “I'd left my watch in the workshop and came back for it. The main outside door was wide open and when I went to close it, I saw you walking over to the bridge. I shouted after you, but you didn’t seem to hear so I followed you. I saw you jump. Aaron you didn’t even stop, you just climbed up on the wall and jumped. Why would you do that? You’re like a brother to Jamie; I don’t know how I would have been able to tell him if you’d died.”

I look away, I know I should feel something, but I don’t. I simply say what they want to hear, “Sorry.”

“Are you, or do you wish you were dead?” Meg’s voice is bitter, “We’re not the only ones that would miss you. You have a whole family, people who love you; don’t you care?”

I assume Sean must have told Meg about the conversation on the call out that night. I look at him, “I called her like you told me to; I called mum and said I was okay so they wouldn’t worry.”

“Well, that was a lie, don’t you think?” Meg’s look is the how I imagine Robert would be with me, sad and unforgiving that I won’t let them in.

.

I shift awkwardly in the chair from the pain which is making it impossible to stay still or get comfy; Meg has no sympathy to give but Sean rests his hand on mine, helping me to focus my attention better. “You could have talked to us instead of going back to the bridge; you know we would do anything we can to help. Why choose death over the love of your family, our family?”

I’m tired and there’s nothing I can say that will take away their disappointment, “You won’t understand, it’s not a choice Sean.” I shake my head and bite my bottom lip, partly to stop it trembling; talking just makes everything worse. “I can’t give people the love they deserve and what's the point of trying to love me when it just means people will get hurt; you’re all better off without me.”

Sean’s eyes widen, disbelieving this is how I feel. “Do you really mean that?”

“Yes.”

“He doesn’t seem to think so.” I’m surprised momentarily by Meg putting a magazine down in front of me. I look at it shocked for an instant before feeling a surge of emotion take hold seeing Robert’s picture staring up from the cover of the magazine and I pick it up noting it’s from the end of September.

I shift my gaze to Sean, the annoyance audible in my voice, “Did you know when you pushed me to call home that night?”

He looks at me directly in the eyes, “No, Meg kept it to herself. I didn’t find out until last night after pulling you out of the river. I assume it’s him you are in love with?”

I glare at Meg, feeling betrayed. “Since when did you start reading mens mags?”

Meg shrugs, “What’s not to like when hanging around hospitals? Fit men with hot bodies, it’s every woman’s dream and it has some interesting articles and interviews. You should read it sometime; you might find something that takes your fancy.”

I put it back down, pushing it away from me and snap back with a quick retort, “Funny.”

A spark of anger crosses Meg’s face, “Do you see me laughing?” She opens the magazine and turns to the page she’s looking for and I see pictures of Robert, Butler’s farm, even a picture of me. It feels like I’m looking at someone else; it doesn’t really look like me anymore, even though I know it is. “Looks suspiciously like you don’t you think? But in here it says your name’s Aaron Livesy not Barton.”

. 

I look away and then to Sean, my eyes silently pleading for some time; I’m not ready for this conversation, not tonight and he seems to take the hint. “It’s late Meg, let’s get some sleep and we can talk more in the morning.” She huffs but doesn’t argue with him. “Aaron, the doctor said you should be fine, you can take the strapping off tomorrow. The burn needs to be kept clean, dry and don’t cover it up. You dislocated your shoulder, so that’s probably going to hurt for a while. He’s a family friend and will keep it off the records for us, so you don’t need to worry about the police or anyone else coming looking to talk to you.”

I nod silently. I don’t say thank you, not for this or for them pulling me out of the river; it would be a lie.

Sean continues, “Aaron, please stay; read that article and talk to us. I read it and if someone I love spoke about me like he did about you, then no matter what happened I’d move heaven and earth to be with that person. At the very least you owe him an explanation why you left. I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but we love you and maybe we can help, if you’ll let us.”

I stare blankly at the mug in front of me. I wish I was dead and seeing Robert or my family anytime soon isn’t on my to-do list, but I don’t say that; instead I just nod silently. Lying is always easier than the truth.

Meg can see straight through me though; she stands up from the table. “Read it Aaron and if you still want to jump off that bridge tomorrow then we won’t stop you again; but know this, you’ll break my son’s heart and you’ll break mine.” I realise Meg is crying and despite my best efforts not to feel anything, the tears start to fall down my cheeks; her disappointment in me hurts more than anything. “You’ve got clean sheets on your bed as I’d quite like to sleep back in my own bed tonight if that’s alright with you?” I nod, silently crying as she kisses my head before they leave and go upstairs.

I have no idea how to even start making sense of everything or how I’m feeling so I get up and make a fresh pot of tea, I seem to have an unending thirst and I dig around in the cupboard for some chocolate biscuits. I stare down at the magazine on the table. I consider throwing it in the bin or even burning it, but I don’t and eventually I open it, finding the page that Meg had turned to earlier and I start to read.

TBC


	27. Far Apart But With Stubborn Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron starts to open up to Meg who encourages him to talk to Robert.

Aaron, Sunday 13th November

When I go downstairs for a shower it’s lunchtime already but the workshop is all quiet and locked up. Before I switch on the shower, I cut off all the bandages and I see in the stark bathroom light that I’m literally covered in bruises. The water hurts at first, the force like pin pricks against my skin but it lessens and its warmth starts to feel good; almost comforting as I rest against the wall, with my head leaning into my arms. I’m tired and haven't really slept much after reading the article, re-reading it, over and over all night. I think I eventually dropped off to sleep finally around five but kept waking up and then struggled to get back to sleep again.

Robert hadn’t said anything in the interview that really surprises me. His stubbornness to hold onto me was the reason I had left; I had known that he wouldn’t let go easily and that I had to be the one to force it. As far as I was concerned, it was better he didn’t know why; better that they hate me for leaving and let go, than try and hold on suffering the consequences. I knew what my decision meant when I decided to leave, but that doesn’t mean I can survive it; reading his thoughts like this in black and white still hurts, each word is like being hit by an arrow.

After getting changed, I make my way over to the house; there’s a note on the workshop door with Sean’s mobile number in case of emergency but the petrol station and caf’ look open as usual. The kitchen is the heart of the house, but today it’s unusually silent and instead I go to the lounge from where I can hear the noise of the TV.

Meg is curled up on the sofa watching what looks to be an old video of Jamie. He doesn’t look that different, just younger and he has an energy about him that I’ve never had chance to see. “It took a long time to get it back after beating it the first time round; the brightness in his eyes. You never really got to see what he was like before; but saying that, he’s different with it this time. He still has that spark and won’t let it get him down; part of that’s because of you Aaron.”

I go and sit down on the sofa next to her, pulling my feet up underneath me. “He doesn’t need me, he has you and Sean.”

“You know that’s not true; you give him something that we can’t.” I feel Meg staring at me, but I concentrate on watching Jamie on the screen. “I need a fresh coffee, you want one?” I nod and watch the video playing until Meg comes back in and hands me a mug.

.

“Sean’s taken Jamie to the hospital; they’ll be back later this afternoon. Do you need any painkillers? Neil left some if you need them.”

I shake my head and look at her properly for the first time, “No, I’m okay; thanks." Despite my body aching head to toe I don't want to feel the numbness you get from taking anything.

“Did you read the article?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And what? It doesn’t change anything Meg.”

“Come on Aaron, if you read it, you know he loves you; you don’t switch that kind of love off, not ever.” She pauses, “You can’t can you? It’s the reason you went back to the bridge. You still love him don’t you?”

I glance at the TV fleetingly; finally admitting how I feel scares me, “Yes, I can’t make it go away....., reading the interview just makes it worse. Seeing him on the TV....., it was......” I wipe away the tear before it gets chance to fall, “I’m sorry I put you through this. Sean told me about your friend when you were younger.”

“He was depressed. It was a long time ago, but I still miss him; he was like a big brother to me, same as you are to Jamie. That’s why I know how much it would have hurt him.” Meg hands me a tissue as I wipe away another stubborn tear with my hand. “Will you at least try to explain to me why? I don’t understand Aaron; you have so much to live for, so much to give. You’re not depressed, not in the classic sense anyway and you seem comfortable being gay so I don’t think it’s because of that; so why?" I stay quiet watching Jamie flying a kite with Sean on some beach when he was little. I smile as the strength of the wind almost pulls him off his feet until Meg pulls my attention back to her by resting her hand on my arm. “Aaron, what happened to make you walk away from your family and the man you love?”

I don’t answer, instead try to focus on the video of Jamie until Meg switches it off and gently turns me to the side, leaving me with nowhere left to hide as the tears fall down my cheeks. I don’t have any strength to keep fighting her and I don’t even know that I want to anymore. I feel completely drained from everything the last couple of days.

.

“In the interview he said something happened at the farm; is that what made you leave?“

I nod silently.

“Aaron, I saw the marks; talk to me.”

I pull away from her touch and move to the end of the sofa, hugging my knees into me, ashamed. “What difference will it make? It’s over and if you’d have left me to die it would have stayed over forever; it would have stopped hurting Meg. Even if I tell you, I can’t go back. What happened to me, to him, everything from my past; it all just proves he's better off without me.”

“It’s not what you want though? You want to be home with your family, with Robert. You can’t go on like this and jumping from that bridge might take your pain away, but not for the people you leave behind. They’ll carry it forever and they won’t even know why you did it or why you wouldn’t let them help.”

Just hearing his name spoken out loud makes me recoil further, “It doesn’t matter what I want; it won’t keep him safe, or me.”

“Safe from what?”

“Just leave it Meg, please. Stop pushing.”

“No Aaron, not this time; you need to stop running. It’s time to let someone help you.” I rest my head down onto my knees; my head hurts, my body hurts, everything hurts. “Do you regret not jumping when I first met you? Because I don’t regret stopping you; Jamie would never have had a brother and Sean wouldn’t have had help with the garage and everything. We would have struggled to cope, but you being here made a difference and not just an extra pair of hands; you. Aaron you helped our family in a way you might not ever understand.” I just want her to stop; why can’t she just leave me in denial and leave me alone. I’m confused, so confused.

I get up and respond more harshly than I had intended, “Stop it, just stop it Meg. Stop trying to guilt-trip me.” I go and stand by the window, staring out across the yard, watching people going about their daily life.

“I’m not. You said last night as well that people were better off without you. That’s not true Aaron; you made a difference to us and our family and I want you to see that. He said you have a big heart, he’s right.”

I turn to look at Meg and finally break, dropping to my knees sobbing; I’m tired of fighting the stubbornness of my heart, “I can’t live without him Meg. After seeing him again, I can’t get out my head how it felt to be with him, his touch and how he made me feel. I miss him so much, but they said they’d do to him what they did to me; they said they’d kill me and make him watch if I didn’t leave. That’s why I can’t go back.”

Meg comes over and cradles me in her arms, just like she would with Jamie and I hold onto her. I haven’t hugged anyone except Jamie in what feels like a very long time. “Who Aaron, who were they and why?”

“I don’t know who they were, but I know they meant it; they made sure I got the message. They said that there’s no way the England captain can be gay or like guys; that he’d only ever been into women and that it was me who had messed with his head and it wasn’t real, that I had to be taught a lesson.” By keeping everything to myself all this time, I suppose I’d let it control me; but now letting it go, it’s like a plug’s been removed and everything’s just pouring out and I cry uncontrollably.

“Sshhh, sshhh,“ Meg strokes her hand through my hair; rocking me gently in her arms, waiting patiently for me to calm down. After a few minutes, my tears stop and I take some deep breaths. “I get why you would leave…., for a while, but Aaron why stay away all this time? He’s still playing football and he’s made it clear he wants to be with you. You left like they wanted but he’s openly said he’s bi and that he loves you; he’s not hiding who he is Aaron and they haven’t done anything.”

“I’m scared if I go back that they might.”

“He’s rich, he can get protection; he can protect you Aaron."

“What if he can’t? I don’t want him to have to watch his every move or spend his time worrying about me and then what if it affects his game or other stuff. Then he’ll blame me, everyone will blame me.”

“No they won't. There’s more though Aaron isn’t there? If it was just that, I think you’d be with him now; so tell me the real reason you won’t go back.”

I knew Meg wouldn’t take my half excuse; in such a short time she knows me as well as my family almost and she’s just as stubborn. I wipe fresh tears away as they silently run down my cheeks and I think about what happened that day, ”I can’t Meg; I'm sorry I just can't.”

Meg studies me and then stands up, pulling me up with her, “Come on. Go get your coat, let’s go for a walk; the fresh air will do you good.” I hesitate but I know she won’t take no for an answer so I go up-to the loft and get my coat. I stop an instant after catching myself in the wall mirror as I pass by the door in the hall; I don’t like the person I see staring back at me. I brush off the feeling of disgust and shame, going outside to where Meg is waiting for me.

.

I follow her across the main road and we head down the lane. I glance at her a few times wondering what she’s up to, but with her hands stuffed in her pockets, she ignores me as we walk in the direction of the bridge. We don’t talk, but it feels better to be out in the fresh air after being stuck inside for the last couple of days. We walk round the bend and up the rise onto the centre of the bridge where she stops. Leaning against the wall, she pulls out a hip flask. I give her an odd look as she takes a drink before offering me one. After taking a swig I hand it back to her, “Secret drinker as well as a secret smoker?"

Meg jumps up on the wall and straddling it sits down, her legs dangling down either side and smiles at me. “No. I keep it with me in my coat; never know when I’m going to have a moment outside the hospital. Every now and then it gets too much, you know?”

I nod and walk over next to her giving her a bemused look as to why we are here, then lean with my elbows on the stone, my chin resting in my hands. She smiles at me, “I come here quite a lot, talk to Mikey; keeps me sane. You remember that first night here?”

“Yes, you were your hobby horse.” I let out a half laugh, remembering.

“You let me talk you down.”

“I felt sorry for you."

“Oh thanks.” She looks out over the river and then back to me. “You let me talk you into staying.” I shrug, my eyes following the flow of the river until it disappears into the distance. “You want to jump now? I won’t stop you.”

I turn to look at her and jump up onto the wall, staring into the water. It looks and feels so different during the day and that’s without the fact that Meg is with me. I hadn’t hesitated once the other night; it feels like a lifetime ago, almost as if it hadn’t been me, but someone else. I pace up and down a little, finding it strangely freeing being here like this. Meg is watching me quietly and I go and sit opposite her, sitting on top of the stone and cross my legs. She hands me the flask and I take another drink, I don’t usually drink whiskey and I don’t really like the taste, but today it’s helping.

.

After a second swig I hand it back to her and she takes a drink, “He’ll think I’m weak. Weak for letting them get to me, weak for leaving.” Meg doesn’t say anything, but waits for me to continue. “I don’t know if I can be with him and what they did, it’s not like a tattoo you can remove; it’s like it defines who I am. He won’t ever look at me the same, how can he? It’ll be a permanent reminder.”

“It won’t stop him loving you.”

I think back to how happy we were, “You think?” She nods and smiles at me. “I wanted to spend my life with him, maybe even get married one day; but when Sean got me to call home, I couldn’t even talk to him. I was too scared; I wouldn’t have coped hearing his voice.” I look at Meg sadly, I can feel the tears welling once more, “He probably doesn’t want to know me after that. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same as in that interview anymore; maybe he gave up on me?”

“You’ll never know if you jump off this bridge, don’t you want to know?”

I shrug, “It’s not just that, they did other stuff.” I wipe away a stray tear, but I manage to hold back the others. “I don’t know how to explain to him or make anyone understand….., Meg they broke something inside me and I don’t know if it can be fixed. He lives in a world where I don’t fit; I can barely cope now, I won’t cope for sure in the spotlight with him.”

“You don’t need to. Plenty of famous people keep themselves out of the spotlight, most of the time no-one knows anything about who they’re with unless they want to be known. You’ll find a way Aaron. He told the whole world that he loves you and that he would give up everything for you; that’s got to count for something.”

“I don’t want him to have to give up anything for me. He’s better off without me; I’m not worth it.”

“Isn’t that his decision? Aaron you are strong enough to do this, have some faith in yourself. You’ll fight for Jamie but not for yourself....., to be with the people you love?”

“I left for the people I love, to keep them safe.”

“I get that, but things have settled down and other footballers came out over the summer. He’s not the only one.” I look at her curiously; I didn’t know that and she prods my shoulder with her hand grinning. “What? I do watch some news. I even remember reading about you and him; I just never realised it was you. You looked so different to that picture when you got here, what with the skinhead look and everything.”

.

I stare back out into the distance, “That’s the other thing.....”

“What is?”

“He almost died, but I wasn’t there. I didn’t even know. When he needed me I wasn’t there for him; I ran away and left him. How do we get over that, how do we get over any of it Meg? It’s too late, he’s moved on and I need to let him go."

“You can’t though, you’ve tried. You said yourself, you can’t let him go. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. You don’t need to rush back into being together. Like you said, he’s been through a lot too. He thought you were dead and he didn’t know why you left. Can you imagine how that must have felt? But you read what he said; he still hoped. Aaron that kind of love doesn’t go away. It hasn’t for you, why do you think it’s any different for him? The little I know of Robert Sugden so far, he’s not someone you meet every day. Give him a chance, give yourselves a chance.” Meg grins at me, “If it doesn’t work out, you can come back here and then jump off the bridge can’t you?”

I look at her and burst out laughing, “You enjoy encouraging me to jump off this bridge or something?”

Meg smirks at me and looks at her watch, “Jamie and Sean will be back soon; I should get back. You coming?” Meg gets down from the wall and bats the dust from her jeans watching me hesitate, but I follow her.

“I don’t want him to ever know. You won’t tell him will you? Jamie I mean."

“No, he won’t ever know, not from us anyway. He’s smart though Aaron; he knows something’s wrong and that it’s to do with you.”

I nod. “I’ll talk to him. How is he?”

“Okay, the treatment is still holding the cancer; but it’s not getting any better either.” Meg puts her arm through mine and we start walking back towards the house. “Been a long time since I had good looking young man on my arm.”

“Pfft, I’ve seen you and Sean together; you don’t have eyes for anyone but him. I don’t know how you do it, holding everything together.”

“We have each other. I’d be lost without him, just like you feel lost without Robert. That’s why you need to try Aaron, you‘ll realise that you’re stronger than you think. I know you don’t want to tell me everything that happened but you know I’ll be here if you do....., Sean too.” Meg pulls us to a stop and puts her hands on my arms.

“I know.”

She looks at me seriously, “You said you couldn’t be with him; the other stuff.....? I know it happens....., but did they.....?"

I cut her off realising where she’s heading, “No, they did stuff, but I wasn’t....., I wasn’t raped if that’s what you’re thinking; not physically anyway.”

Meg looks at me curiously but we start walking again when she realises I’m not going to say anything else. We cross the road and back to the house; it’s all quiet, Jamie and Sean aren’t back yet. After taking our coats off, Meg hands me a knife and bag of potatoes, “Start chopping; we're having shepherds pie for tea, it's Jamie’s favourite.”

.

Once the tea is on, we sit at the table and have a drink. I’m scanning through the local paper for anything interesting and for the first time in a long time I look at the sports page. I close it though, it’s all local stuff and I sit quietly staring into my mug. “You okay?”

I look up and shrug, “I have no idea what I am, what I want." I see what looks like Robert’s key on the table and pick it up.

“It was in your jeans pocket, I found it when I put them in to wash.”

“It’s the key to his house.” I smile slightly remembering when I found it on the side and the note he left. My smile fades and I look at Meg seriously, “I can’t make any promises Meg, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“That’s okay.” She pauses an instant, “I have an idea.” I wait for her to continue, “You said you can’t cope with the media and all the crap. I’d be the same and maybe you’re not ready to go home yet, but you have his phone number right? You could just call him.”

“I don’t even know if I can do that, I don’t know Meg; even that feels too much.”

“Okay, then start small; send him a text.”

I think about this, maybe I could do that. “What if he doesn’t answer? Maybe he has a new phone?”

“Try anyway.”

We’re interrupted by Sean and Jamie coming home and I see the silent communication between Meg and Sean; just like I used to do with Robert. We spend the rest of the evening together, eating and talking; if Jamie suspected anything he doesn’t let on. He’s buzzing with more energy than I’ve seen for a while; his uncle had taken him to see Caley Thistle play and they won. It's good to see him so happy.

After tea, we do something we’ve never done before and all four of us go up-to the loft and play pool. Meg is not a half bad player; apparently that’s how she got together with Sean. He had challenged her to a game of pool and much to Sean’s surprise, Meg had beaten him. It’s relaxing after such a weird few days just to do normal stuff. Meg is drinking wine, Sean and me some beer with Jamie irritated we wouldn’t let him have any until Sean snuck him a shandy; I think Meg saw but she didn’t say anything. I catch her watching Jamie sometimes and just smiling at him without him realising. I wonder if my mum does stuff like that with me; she probably does, knowing her.

I’m sat with Jamie on my bed watching his mum and dad in the last game of the night; tonight it’s Sean who is champion. Jamie is getting tired and after saying good night, Sean and Jamie go in whilst Meg typically cleans away all their stuff.

. 

She surprises me by coming back upstairs after taking some stuff out to the rubbish bin, bringing my washing back with her. She finds me sat on the bed, staring at my phone and comes over where we sit together quietly for a while.

I look at her, “What if he doesn’t want to know me anymore? I’m scared Meg; I’m scared of hurting him, of being hurt. What if I end up on the bridge again?”

“Just keep it simple.”

“I feel like an idiot, what do I even put? Sorry for abandoning you and being so weak.”

“Stop that, don’t talk like that. He loves you and he’ll know that you didn’t leave without a reason. Just say hello and start from there. He’ll probably be just as scared as you.”

“Maybe.“ I slam the phone down on the bed, irritated with myself, “I don’t know.”

Meg gets up, “You know where we are if you need anything. Just promise me that you'll come find us Aaron and talk to us if you ever think about going back to that bridge.”

“Thought you said you wouldn’t stop me?”

She smirks at me and kisses my forehead, “Night Aaron.” She pulls Robert’s key out of her pocket and puts it on my bedside table, “We’ll see you in the morning.”

.

I pick the key up and play with it in the shadows like always and pick my phone back up. I know Robert’s mobile number by heart from when we were seeing each other before anyone knew. For a while at the beginning I didn’t want to put his number into my phone and I used to delete everything just in case anyone saw. He’s usually quiet at home on Sundays....., or he used to be when we were together.

I tap in his number and think about what to write, but my mind is blank. Meg had said keep it simple and just say hello. Not sure she meant it so literally though....., oh well; it’s sent now. He’ll probably think it’s some crank whose got hold of his number, but I daren’t put anything else just yet. He might not even answer, but I’ll see from my phone if he read the message or not.

.

Robert, Sunday 13th November

I smile at Lucy and Tom, watching all the kids running around and then look down at their new addition, Sophie, my god-daughter. Today has been her christening and they put on a big party at their house for family and friends. Not sure Lucy intended for it to get quite so big, but she knows Tom all too well, so it was expected. His excitement always gets the better of him and he invites everyone; it’s been good though. I kiss the top of Sophie's head, amazed at how perfect she is as she sleeps, blissfully unaware of the noise around us, “Your daddy is going to go through a whole world of shit worrying about you when you grow up, he’ll be chasing off all the boys.” I laugh to myself thinking about what Tom will be like in father protection mode; he definitely won’t want any footballers near her.

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and pull it out to read the text. I pull an odd face and look at the number. No name, but the number is visible. The message just says ‘Hi xxx’. I look up, seeing Tom with his arm around Lucy’s waist as they come over, “Did you guys give my number out to someone trying to set me up or something?”

Tom shakes his head, he’s looking slightly tipsy and Lucy takes Sophie from me, “Time for a feed young miss.” She shakes her head at Tom and over at the rest of the gang before heading off to the nursery. It might be a Sunday, but everyone is nicely merry, enjoying the wine and beer.

I can't keep the hint of irritation from my voice, “Well did you?”

Some of the others come over to join us, one of them asking, “Well did you what?”

“Give my number out to try and set me up?”

Tom answers for all of them, “What do you think? None of us have that kind of death wish. Why?”

I believe him and cover, “Just some girl called Nadia texted asking me out on a date." I get up, "I need a fresh drink.” I’ve not been drinking alcohol because I’m driving, but once In the kitchen, this time I help myself to a large glass of wine and instead of going back to the others, I head out into the back garden and go sit on the swing where I re-read the message on my phone.

I know who it’s from; I had known as soon as I read it. We used to just text each other three kisses if we were out and about but too busy to write a message or sometimes just for no reason; we did it almost every day. No-one else would do this except Aaron.

I tap into the phone ‘Hi xxx’ but then change my mind and delete the three kisses. I sit there, gazing down at my phone for what feels like an age; contemplating if I want to send it or do I just keep moving on with my life? However I have a stubborn heart and I hit send.

I sit quietly waiting to see if there’s a response and after a minute or so my phone lights up, ‘I’m sorry.’ I stare at the message not quite knowing what to think, my insides are churning. I shut down my phone completely and put it in my pocket. I down the glass of wine and go back to the others where I say my goodbyes, feigning tiredness and drive home. This has taken me completely by surprise and I need some time alone.

TBC


	28. The Sound Of His Voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Aaron and Robert find it harder than they thought after Aaron's text.

Aaron, Tuesday 15th November

I kept staring at my phone waiting for it to light up again all Sunday night, but it didn’t. It doesn’t light up all Monday or anytime today. He'll know the text was from me, it was our thing with the kisses like that. Sometimes we used to just text the three kisses but that hadn't felt right given the circumstances. I also know that it must have been a shock and that I’m not good at being patient, but I reckon if he's not texted back by now, then I have my answer. The thing is what do I do with that now?

Talking to Meg on Sunday had helped me start to get some perspective and make some sense of how I feel. Then yesterday was a good day for all of us; Jamie’s last test results have come back and for the first time there are some signs that his cancer is starting to go into remission. No-one is getting carried away though just yet. It’s way too early to know if this will continue or if it’s just temporary, but it’s impact on the family, including me is still huge. However, the hardest time is always when I'm on my own like now, quiet at work alone with my thoughts; this is when all the doubt starts creeping in.

When I look at the clock it's after five so I decide to stop for my break. At the house Jamie is still in bed and Meg has thankfully already started to get tea ready because having skipped lunch earlier in the day, I'm starving. I put the kettle on whilst watching her packing her sister’s noisy kids off with Sean to take them all back home. 

“You want a drink?” She shakes her head whilst passing me a mug off the drainer for me. I stay standing, leaning against the kitchen counter, watching Sean through the window swinging the kids around on his arms, laughing as they go to his car.

Meg can probably tell something is bugging me, but she doesn’t say anything if she does. “We should probably wake Jamie; can you go give him a shout?”

I nod and go up into his room and find he's been awake ages, watching the snooker on the TV. “Time to get up you; tea’ll be ready in a while.”

I go fetch his clothes off the side and put them on his bed. He looks and sounds grumpy as he faffs around, taking his time getting out of bed, “You okay?”

He nods, “You think mum’ll let me have tea in bed?”

I look at him like he’s mad, “Nope.”

He looks irritated, “Mmmh; thought not.”

“Why, we not good enough company for you?”

“I want to watch the snooker and she won’t ever let me when we’re eating. I swear mum has more rules than the army.”

I laugh at him, “Where did you get that from?” He shrugs dejectedly. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Tell you what, when you come downstairs, put it to record on the box in the lounge and then I’ll watch it with you after we’ve eaten. She won’t argue with that, especially against both of us.”

“S’pose.”

Meg shouts up, “Ten minutes and it will be ready.”

“See you downstairs in a bit okay?” Jamie nods, still acting all grumpy so I leave him to it and go back to my tea which is now a bit stronger than I like having been left with the teabag in for so long.

.

I sit at the table with my tea, now adjusted to how I like and set out the cutlery and stuff as Meg hands them to me. “He’s in a mood so I told him he could watch the snooker with me in the lounge after; is that okay?”

I get a look of admonishment, but then a hint of a smile, “Just this once.” After wiping her hands on the tea towel she sits next to me. “You know he’s after watching the football as well? United are on later.” I hadn’t realised this and stare into my tea, completely unsure sure how I feel about everything.

I look at Meg, “I texted him.”

“And?”

“He texted back.”

“You see, I told you.”

“I told him Sorry,” I bite down on my bottom lip to stop it trembling. “He didn’t text back after that.”

Meg gives me a knowing look, “You have to give him some time Aaron.”

“It’s been two days Meg.”

“And….? It took you months.”

I grimace unhappily, the truth of her words making me feel guilty; I hate it when she does this. I know I don’t have any right to expect anything from him after all this time, “Jamie will want me to watch the game with him after the snooker.”

“Well, he can want all he likes, but you’re working remember? You can’t skive off whenever you want you know just because Jamie wants you to.” We smirk at each other conspiratorially, “Watch the snooker with him and then leave Jamie to me.” We both know I wouldn’t cope watching another game just yet. “He’ll come round Aaron, just be patient.”

I know she’s back to talking about Robert. Sean arrives home, walking through the kitchen door at this point and catches the end of the conversation. He squeezes my shoulder as he goes past to hang his coat on the hook in the hall. This makes me feel even guiltier; they've both spent so much of their time and energy helping with all my stuff and they have enough on their plate as it is. I don’t know how I landed with people who care about me so much or where I'd be now if it wasn't for them. If I ever find a way to be with Robert again and go home, I want him to meet them; I want him to know that they saved my life.

.

Robert, Tuesday 15th November

I arrive really late at the club, earning me a telling off from Martin. I’ve been in an odd mood ever since Aaron’s text on Sunday, which I haven’t told anyone about and I don’t intend to. In the magazine interview I’d said I’d wait and I had meant it, but after his phone call with Chas early October something inside me changed. I’ve worked hard to try close the door to that part of my life; now he’s pushed it back open and I’m not sure if I can walk through it. It scares me I suppose.

Martin has calmed down and is walking with me to the restaurant for the pre-match meal. “You weren’t answering your phone?”

I answer nonchalantly in the hope that he doesn't see through my lie, “Dropped it in the stream when I went for a walk, it’s drying out.” My phone is actually still switched off at home. I don’t want the pressure of seeing another text or maybe even getting a call from Aaron until I’ve worked out how I feel. It’s just taking a little longer than I thought it would.

He gives me an amused look and makes me laugh, “You and your phones; you should put it round your neck on a piece of string.” He catches my arm before we walk through to the others, a more serious expression on his face. “Are you okay Robert? You’ve seemed quite tense yesterday and today.”

“I’m fine, just a bit tired.” Martin looks at me like he doesn’t quite believe me, but he lets it drop as we go join the rest of the team.

.

United Manager's Office, Tuesday 15th November

“Come on in, sit down.” Tom knows Martin wants to speak to him about Robert. The team and staff have all picked up on his changed mood and it's subtly starting to unsettle everyone. United won the game and Robert didn’t play badly, but he wasn’t on the same form he has been since he came back and was almost invisible in his role as captain. Noticeable the most though is Robert's quiet withdrawal in general, similar to how he was earlier in the year. Instead of joining everyone for a drink after the game like he would do usually he has already left for home, staying only as long as he absolutely had to. “You know if anything in particular is bothering him?”

Tom sits down, “No boss. He was fine at the weekend. He got a bit annoyed because he thought we’d been trying to set him up with someone. You know he still won’t let anyone near him?”

“Did you?”

“What?” Tom shakes his head, “No, no way. The one and only time we did that he went ballistic, not even I’m that stupid to try again.”

Martin laughs because Tom usually isn’t one who backs down from any challenge, “You think we need to be worried?”

Tom shakes his head, “No, I don’t think so. He’s going to have off days still and usually he talks to us.”

Martin perches on the edge of his desk next to Tom, “I know, that’s what’s bugging me, he isn’t talking to us. Maybe I’m being paranoid; it just feels more than just an off couple of days.”

“Maybe it’s just hitting him after playing on Friday for England. He got quite a lot of stick from the Scottish supporters at one point trying to put him off. It might not have been abroad, but it was his first international; maybe it reminded him of Italy. I know he was worried about it a little bit; we’d talked about it before the game, but he didn’t seem to let it get to him on the pitch.”

“Was it bad?”

“No, no worse than any other game before or since Italy; just the usual. Not enough to make any formal complaints.”

“Okay, just watch him for me will you.”

.

Robert, Tuesday 15th November

I'd left after the game as soon as ever I could. Making nice with sponsors and the press was draining enough so there was no way I going to hang around making small talk with everyone and their mother. I have a headache and I’m tired from not sleeping very well since Sunday. I know I'm not in the mood to try go to sleep just yet so instead I head down to the games room to see if I can find something to do that will help me relax and take my mind off everything for a while. After spying the vodka bottle on the shelf behind the bar, I help myself to a generous measure to go with my orange juice; maybe alcohol will do the trick. I don't fancy playstation or a film and find myself pushing snooker balls up the table watching them bounce off the cushion until in the end I set up the table properly. I grin after a hard break sends the balls shooting in all directions and then start potting balls as takes my fancy. I’m not playing a real game, just messing around but the rhythm is relaxing, helped nicely by the vodka and I have fun trying odd angle shots to see if I can make them work.

With the table cleared, I go get another drink and set up once more; this time to play a real frame. I get to a shot where I can’t decide which colour to go for. Neither are easy, so I sit on a bar stool and have a drink whilst pondering what to do. Putting my glass down, I pick up my phone and switch it on; there’s missed calls and texts but nothing more from Aaron. I'm drawn back to his text, my finger gently brushing over the words and instinctively I type, quickly hitting send before I change my mind, ‘green or brown?’

There’s a slight delay, but it’s not long before my phone lights up, ‘which would I go for?’ I know exactly which one. I fail miserably trying to pot the brown.

I smile and text him back, ‘I missed’

‘no surprise there’

I pot a red and pause staring at the scoreboard, before going over and writing our names, ‘your turn. easy pink ok?’

‘go for it’

Easy pink goes down as expected so I target and pot a red before texting him his next choice.

.

Robert, Wednesday 16th November

We had continued like that all night into the early hours until we got too tired to carry on; I’m winning six frames to four. We hadn’t talked about anything but the game and had only communicated by text; but there had been quite a lot of banter between us making me feel connected to him. I need to know, I need to know why he left and why now? Why contact me after all this time?

We left it that we would carry on tonight. Despite yawning all through training, there's an extra energy inside me; I might not be as young as some of them, but I can still run rings round them all when I want to. When I get back home I go to bed to catch up on my sleep; then after eating I wait for Aaron’s text to say he’s finished work. I don’t know what he does and part of me is afraid to ask anything about his life; all I know is I don’t want to let go and I’ve decided to try let him set the pace for now.

It’s ten when my phone lights up and I think, without realising, so does my face. I switch the sound of the news on the TV down so I can concentrate better and we carry on the match; we’d agreed to rotate so he’s playing for me tonight. I’m trying to picture where he is and what it looks like where he’s living. He’d surprised me earlier when telling me he has a snooker table in his room.

.

Robert, Friday 18th November

We hadn’t wanted to give up Wednesday night, but it was getting too late and taking too long, so the match rolled on into tonight. It was close, but it is eventually me who wins. I look at the clock and it’s just after two in the morning, aleady the next day again. If I turn up to training yawning my head off for the third day in a row I’m going to get hauled into the boss’s office. If I tell them I can’t sleep I’ll get them all worried and watching me like a hawk, but I don’t want them to know the truth. I did catch up partly by going for a kip as soon as I got in from training.

There has been some small talk as we text between us, but still mostly jokes about the game or need to know about our lives when arranging what time to start or when we had to finish, but nothing more personal. It had become easy as we played and texted, weird but I enjoyed it; I always like to win and Aaron never likes to lose, not to me anyway.

Now the match is over, I’m laid out on the sofa. Our phones are eerily silent and I debate if I should call him so we can talk properly, but I’d promised myself I would let him drive whatever this is. It's killing me with the effort of resisting; I have so many questions. I want to know where he is, how he is; I want to know everything about his life since he left. I thought I might feel angry, but I haven't; not yet away. This is what had scared me earlier in the week I suppose, there had been this lingering anger that he had left me to cope with everything without me even knowing why he went. I’m not sure I’ll ever agree with his decision to leave, but I know Aaron; he’s so different to me in some things and how he deals with his emotions. I want to see him and have the chance to understand; I'd give anything to hold him again, to be with him.

.

I get pulled out of my thoughts as my phone lights up. It’s been quiet between us for the last ten minutes or so and even though I should go to bed, I don’t want it to stop.

‘ur quiet?’

‘thinking’

‘about?’

‘u’

‘good bad?’

‘miss u’

There’s a long pause and I feel the flutter of panic that it might be too soon, but relief washes through me as my phone lights up, ‘u2’ followed quickly by another, ‘how’s mum?’

‘ok, u know C.’

‘same as?’

‘y’ I follow this up, ‘misses u 2’

‘I know’

There’s another lingering silence, like neither of us know what to say next and I’m about to write something, when my phone lights up, but this time it’s not a text. My phone is ringing and it's Aaron’s number; my heart misses a beat, maybe a few actually. I kick myself out of the initial shock before he thinks I’m not going to answer and then after hitting the green button I almost drop the phone. I'm all fingers and thumbs, fumbling to stop it falling to the ground. “Shit...... ouch, oh sorry, crap....., almost dropped it.” I feel like a right idiot and probably sounded like one; all flustered and unable to hide the apprehension from my voice. I’m finally still and I can hear him on the other end of the phone, “Are you laughing at me?” He doesn’t answer, but I know he is. I can picture him in my head, pulling the face he does when I do stupid stuff like this; that amused look he has and I smile to myself. God, I've missed him so much.

“Never.”

Hearing his voice after all this time is so amazing that I think my heart almost stopped for an instant. Yet I can't help saying the first thing that comes into my head, “Liar.” Shit I can’t believe after all this time of not talking and I start by calling him a liar. It’s just this is how we always were; we’d never had any barriers between us....., not until he left. "Sorry, I didn't mean that."

"I know. It's alright Robert, I get it."

It goes quiet again and I can hear him yawning, he’s probably as tired as I am. I roll onto my side, pulling the blanket from over the back of the sofa down over me and hold the phone to my ear. I can hear his breathing it's so quiet, “How come you work so late?”

“I do the graveyard shift at a garage, start at two in the afternoon and finish at eleven.”

“That’s rubbish.”

“I quite like it.” I wasn’t expecting him to have built a life so readily away from me and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I had feared he might be dead for such a long time and it makes sense that if he wasn’t that he would have to earn a living somehow. It's just hearing him now is harder than I thought it would be and I can't help feeling sad. My silence prompts Aaron, “You okay?”

“Yeah; suppose I wasn’t expecting you to say that.”

There’s an uneasy quiet until Aaron breaks it, “I should go; it’s late.”

“No. Don’t, please don’t.” I’m crying and I hadn’t even realised it. The tears fall silently down my face and I hope he can’t tell, “It's so good to hear your voice. Talk to me Aaron, anything I don’t care; I miss listening to you tell me about your day and stuff.”

He hesitates but then starts to talk, “I sort of live with a family; they have a loft up above the garage workshop and I live there, but I eat with the family most of the time now. Meg fusses over me if I don’t.”

"Who’s Meg?”

“So there’s Meg and Sean, they own the garage and they have a son Jamie who is twelve; drives me nuts half the time.”

“How long have you been with them?”

He doesn't answer immediately which is a little unnerving, “Since I left.”

He pauses after this, like he’s not sure if he should carry on, “Keep going. Will you tell me where you are?”

He half laughs, “Scotland.”

I don’t know what I was expecting him to say, but it wasn’t Scotland, “Did you see the game last Friday? Is that what made you text?”

“Kind of.”

“What do you mean, kind of?” It’s quiet again between us until I break the silence, “Sorry I didn’t mean to push; no more questions, just keep talking to me.” Aaron continues and I listen to him tell me stuff about his new life. He doesn’t go into details, but it’s clear he likes the people he’s with and is close to the family. I learn that he only read the interview in the magazine a few days ago but he doesn't talk about how he feels or anything really about himself. He never once asks about home, the family or any of his friends; not even Adam or Paddy.

A comfortable silence falls between us and Aaron yawns; he sounds as tired as I feel. I’ve had my eyes closed a while, contented just listening to the sound of his voice. We don’t talk anymore and I feel myself drifting off to sleep, but the line stays open and I go to sleep listening to the sound of his breathing. I don’t know for sure, but I think he does the same with me.

TBC


	29. Soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron makes the decision to go home and see Robert, but his lack of a plan leads to an interesting first conversation that doesn't quite go like either of them could ever have expected.

Robert, Friday 18th November

I’m half an hour late when I walk onto the training pitch and the boss has reached the end of his patience with me. Although later Tom said the boss had already been in a bad mood beforehand, my tardiness clearly didn’t help to improve it and Martin lets loose with an angry tirade in front of the whole team. I can tell they are all pleased it’s me he’s venting on and not them; he can be quite scary when he's angry. I stand and take it, my only excuse being the truth; that I slept over. Once he’s finished ranting we get on with training, but I’m not really concentrating and find myself the focus of his irritation the whole session. I can’t wait to get out of here, but even after training is over I still have to do some interview with the local radio station for the game tomorrow before I’ll be able to call Aaron. He’s like a drug, that despite having been in rehab for a while, I’ve started using and now I’m addicted again.

He’d texted earlier and we’d arranged that I’d call him when I get home. I’m so knackered when I get in, that after making a drink I head up-to the bedroom to lie down, dialling as I go up the stairs. It’s later than I’d anticipated, already going up-to five and I can't wait to hear his voice. I’m thrown at first, not quite sure what to say when it’s not Aaron who picks up; instead I hear a young boy’s voice, “Aaron’s phone.”

“Errrh, is he there? Aaron I mean.”

“Who are you?”

“Errm, a friend.”

There’s a pause and I hear Aaron’s voice in the background, “Oi, Jamie, give it 'ere.” It sounds like Jamie is playing hard to get with the phone until I hear Aaron take the phone and speak, “Hold on a sec.” I listen, intrigued by the conversation in the background.

“Who’s that? Have you got a boyfriend?”

“None of your business Jamie; go do your homework, you’ve got lots to catch up on.”

“I’m not feeling well.”

“Don’t fib; you got the all clear to start schoolwork, so it’s homework time.”

“You’re boring. I hate you sometimes; you’re getting as bad as mum.”

Aaron laughs, “You know you love me really; come on Jamie or you’ll get me into trouble with your mum as well as you. I’ll see you for tea in a bit alright?”

“Whatever.”

Aaron starts to talk to me, “Sorry, he’s struggling to get to grips with the idea that he has to do school stuff again.” It feels strange listening to him talk to people I don’t know, in a place I don’t know and I’m jealous. I’m jealous they’ve had him with them all this time; it’s clear he loves them and if Jamie is anything to go by, they love him. He said Scotland, but not where, although he wouldn’t be hard to find now. I could pay someone to find out from the location of his phone, but I don’t want to. I want him to tell me, I want Aaron to let me in. “You okay Robert.....? Robert?”

I'm feeling so conflicted about everything and my words rush out, uncontrolled and all jumbled, “I want to see you Aaron. I wanted to give you space and not push, I tried but it’s too hard. Can I see you?”

Aaron hesitates before he answers, “Slow down Robert, you need to slow down.”

My need to see him after all this time is overwhelming and I can't hide it any longer, “Please....., tell me where you are; I’ll come to you. Please Aaron I need to see you.”

“I can’t Robert, I’m not ready yet; I don’t know if I ever will be.”

.

I know he must be finding this weird, struggling like I am to find the balance with where we are, but he was the one who got in touch with me and despite me practically begging him, his last words just now trigger my worst fears. I’ve never been in love with anyone as deeply as with Aaron and the emotions running through me are too powerful; there’s no disguising the anger and hurt in my voice, “Then what the hell are we doing?” The silence hangs heavy in the air between us which just makes me worse, “You get in touch after all this time and turn my world upside down; why Aaron?”

He sounds so calm, “Because I love you.”

I hit back, “Do you?”

“I never stopped.”

It's almost as though he doesn't get why I'm reacting like this, “I can’t do this Aaron; I'm not strong enough. You can’t come back into my life like this and then tell me that you might never want to see me.”

“That’s not what I meant. I want to see you too, but it’s hard and I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Everything.”

“I’m scared too. I was scared in hospital, scared not knowing what happened, wondering if you were dead or alive all that time. Tell me what you’re scared of; are you scared of me?” He doesn’t answer and I don’t know what to think. I take a deep breath and sit up, pulling my knees to me, trying with all the effort I can muster to calm down but it’s too late and all my frustration and fear comes pouring out, “I missed you so much, do you know that? Now with all these texts and getting to hear your voice....., it’s been so amazing but what if you never want to see me or come home? What do I do then?”

His voice is quiet, “I don’t know, I’m sorry. I've missed you too but I had to leave, I didn't have a choice; I do love you Robert.”

I snap back without thinking, "There's always a choice Aaron." The silence lingers once more and I make a decision that could mean I never see or speak to him again, but I know I don’t have it in me to go through what I did before a second time, “I love you too, I never stopped loving you either; I didn’t want to. I’m glad you’re doing okay with people who’ll take care of you, but I can’t be just a friend on the end of a phone; not now and not ever.” Aaron tries to interrupt me, “No Aaron, I don’t want to hear it, we’re not doing this over the phone; I’ll change my number if I have to. Yes it’s hard, life is hard sometimes, but there comes a point where you have to fight back. You chose to leave and maybe it was the right thing to do at the time, but I need you to make another choice and you need to make it soon. I’ll always love you but if you want to be a part of my life, to try and build a future together, then you have to come home; you have to let me in completely. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this any other way. If you decide to come home, I’ll be here for you no matter what. It’s up to you now, but whatever you decide, you need to be sure because it's for the rest of our lives. I love you Aaron.”

I switch the phone off before he gets chance to say anything, ignoring the thud of it landing on the floor as I lie back on the bed hugging the duvet tight around me. I'm crying so hard that I’m shaking and struggling to catch my breath. Aaron is a drug that has the power to drain my life away slowly and painfully; if I let him take hold and he keeps me forever at a distance or walks away again, the withdrawal will kill me. I know there’s no guarantee even if he comes home that it will be okay, but I won’t go through it all again without him being here. I need him to be with me and I think he needs me just the same.

.

Aaron, Friday 18th November

I call Robert's number over and over but he’s switched his phone off. I don’t know what to do; his outburst has taken me completely by surprise. I wasn’t prepared for hearing him sounding so hurt like that. I stand stationary in the middle of the workshop, almost as if in shock. I feel completely numb, his words playing over in my head until I’m interrupted by Jamie’s voice, “Mum says tea’s almost ready.”

I keep my face turned away from him and crouch down pretending to be looking for something in the toolbox by my feet. I’m not crying, but I am visibly upset and I don’t want him to see, “I’ll be there in a few minutes Jamie. I just need to get showered okay?” He grunts a response and I hear him walk back out; he still sounds in a mood with me. I stand back up; all the options running through my head. I gaze out of the door, my eyes fixing on the bridge in the distance before moving to the blow torch. I close them remembering last week and the pain I’d felt after watching him play; how much missing him had hurt. Meg was right, why would it be any different for him.

I go into the bathroom and switch on the shower, desperate to pull myself away from the edge. Fully clothed I lean forward, pressing my hands against the wall, holding myself under the water with my eyes closed to try and clear my head, find some calm but it’s not working. I step in so I’m standing completely under the shower head, the hot water soaking through my clothes and into my boots. I stay like this until I can slowly feel the hot water have an effect, helping me to control the urge to hurt myself. I start to get undressed, chucking my wet clothes on the floor and shower properly.

After putting on dry clean clothes, I'm still in a numb state, practically on autopilot as I go across to the house and sit silently at the table. I hardly register Meg serving up or hear the noise of them talking around me; all I hear is Robert’s voice and his ultimatum on repeat in my head. The sound of my name drags me back to reality, “Aaron....., Aaron?” I look up and everyone is staring at me, Jamie included. They’ve all more or less finished eating whilst my plate is still untouched. “Jamie, go watch some TV.” I realise I’m crying, my wet tears running down my face onto my plate; I hadn’t even noticed.

“But mum......”

“Do as you’re told for once Jamie.”

.

Aaron, Saturday 19th November

I stare out of the window watching the countryside roll by, all the conversations from yesterday rolling around my head with it. Sean had dropped me off at Inverness railway station to get the train, although the journey isn’t quite going to plan. I was supposed to go to Leeds, but the trains have been cancelled due to problems on the line so passengers are being diverted and then I’ll have to take the express to Leeds.

It had been the most bizarre of conversations last night talking everything through with Meg and Sean. I have no idea if I can do this, but I know after everything this last few months that I have to try; I want to prove to Robert that I do love him. I have no idea if we can work it out, but I’ve run out of time and it’s clear I might not get another chance so I have to find a way to overcome my fear if we are to have any chance of us properly coming to terms with everything.

.

It’s just before half three when the train pulls into the station. I go look at the board to check the platform for my next train and see I’ve just missed one. I go to a coffee shop to get a drink whilst I wait and find myself staring at posters for visiting football supporters telling them how to get to United for the game today. I hadn’t bothered looking where they were playing, in fact I realise I haven’t really thought about if I would go to the house or to the pub first and see mum. Shit, why haven’t I thought about that? All I’ve thought about is his words from yesterday and what I might say to him.

Crap, this is just going to go so wrong, what the hell am I doing here? I just should just go back to Scotland. Cheers from the pub distract me from my thoughts and I look up at the big screen; Tom has just scored for United on the back of Robert's pass and Sky are showing the goal. Robert has his arms round him; he looks so happy, smiling at Tom and the others who are climbing all over them in celebration with United now two up. There’s no sign of our conversation from yesterday affecting him. How does he do that? How does he just ignore all the shit and carry on regardless; why can’t I do that?

I walk away from the pub, throw my coffee into the bin and head out of the station into the cold afternoon sunshine.

.

I get out of the taxi, not quite sure what on earth made me do this but I remember what he’d said in the interview for the magazine. He wants me to come home and he’s always wanted me to come support him playing; no time like the present, seeing how I’m here. I always said I’d surprise him the day I come to watch, I was master of understatement on that I think. I walk over to the ticket office before I lose my courage and feeling like a complete idiot I give them my name, saying that there might be a ticket for me. It sounds like the second half is just starting, but I’m a little taken aback by the attitude of the lady behind the counter.

She looks at me with disdain and her tone is borderline rude, “It’s been a while, you have any ID?”

I look at her oddly and realise I actually don’t, “Errrm, not with the name Livesy on it, Why do you need ID?”

“Well love, you’re not exactly the first Aaron Livesy to turn up asking for the ticket to Robert Sugden’s heart.”

“Oh.” Without thinking I fire back a retort, “Well then, I am the first Aaron Livesy to turn up who actually is Aaron Livesy.” I can feel my courage waning, “You know what; I’ll just go home and see him when he gets in.” I have the door key in my pocket; not sure it will still work though after heating it up like that with a blow torch. I suppose I’ll find out.

The ticket counter lady looks at me oddly and continues, “Well there are still the three questions anyway.”

I look at her curiously, “What three questions?”

“People used to turn up with false ID, so he set three questions and said that only the real Aaron Livesy would get all three right. Seeing as you’re him, you won’t have a problem will you?”

Her attitude still riles me but I can’t help smiling; that is so Robert. “How many Aaron Livesys have tried then?”

“Lost count love. Robert Sugden’s hot and rich; who wouldn’t want to be with him?”

I snort with a laugh, not thinking before I speak, “They haven’t lived with him.” I hesitate, “I shouldn’t have come; this was a bad idea, sorry.”

I start to turn but she carries on talking to me “You’re here now. You’re not the usual type we get asking for this ticket. Try the questions anyway. You do kind of look like the photo, though it's hard to tell without the beard.”

Turning back around I stare at her, not quite sure what she means by ‘the usual type’. She has a card in her hand, clearly the questions for the golden ticket to Robert Sugden’s heart. I shake my head, wondering what’s come over me; this is ridiculous, but I hear myself agreeing, “Go on then, give me a laugh.” I’m actually intrigued as to what questions he’s set.

.

“What’s his middle name?”

I pull a face, “Jacob, but anyone could find that out.”

The lady is visibly getting into this now and smirks, “Easy start, false sense of security; no-one’s ever got the next question.” I lean on the counter resting my chin in my hand, amused by the clear enjoyment she is getting out of this. “Okay, question number two. The day after you saw the pictures of him kissing Rachel, you were together in the truck after pulling into the layby and you told him what you thought of him; what did you call him? Exact words please.”

I have to laugh. It would be exceptional for anyone but me to get this one right. I’m surprised he put something so personal in the questions. It all seems such a long time ago, but I remember exactly what I called him. I take an instant to make sure I have it in the right order though, “I called him allsorts that day, but if I remember correctly in the layby I called him a self-centred, egotistical, closeted twat who doesn’t deserve to be loved.”

At this the lady’s face becomes a picture, barely managing to splutter a response, “Huh, wow.... errm...., correct answer. No-one’s ever got that right.” I think I just spoiled her enjoyment of sending the umpteenth potential future husband of Robert Sugden packing.

“That’s because no-one else is me.” I pull a face, “Believe me, Robert Sugden can be a right irritating arse when he wants to be.”

Her eyes soften and her smile seems more genuine. I notice the office that was bustling behind her has gone quiet, with a couple of the staff coming over to listen closer. I nearly leg it, feeling embarrassed by the attention; but today’s not a day to let that beat me. I’ve got much bigger hurdles to get over today.

The lady takes a deep breath, “Okay, final question. When he first met you, you were at his house with some of the family and played spin the bottle. What did he do when you were stood at the door just before you left to walk home to the pub?”

I smile at the memory, thinking back to that night; there had been an immediate realisation of something between us from the first time we set eyes on each other. However, it was as I was leaving to go home that I truly sensed it was a real connection that could be something more, “He held my hand.”

.

The lady smiles at me, her attitude the complete opposite of what is was when I first came to the counter, “It’s nice to finally meet you Aaron Livesy, here’s your ticket. I’ll let you in the side entrance. You’ve been here before right?”

“Once, but only in with the away supporters,” I screw up my face a little having to admit this, “I’m actually a City fan.”

She laughs, “Come on, your destiny awaits.”

I stop and she can see the panic crossing my face and all I can think is oh god, what am I doing? “Maybe I should just leave and see him later.”

“You know they say he hasn’t been with anyone since you left; no-one. Plenty of all kinds of people have thrown themselves at him by all accounts but according to the grapevine Robert Sugden hasn’t bitten once, not even a kiss on the cheek. It’s kind of become a challenge for people. Do you know they even have odds on it at the bookies?”

My eyes widen and I shake my head, astonished that people give a crap about other people’s lives like this. I wonder if they’ve got bets on why I left. Hearing this isn’t actually helping me; part of the problem in the first place was all this kind of stuff. I can’t deal with all that; I couldn’t then and I can’t now.

She sees my continued reluctance to follow her, “Come on, you’re here now. There’s only just over twenty minutes to go; there’s also a ticket into the Players’ Lounge for after the game, you can just go in there instead and wait for him inside if that’s easier?”

I consider this for a moment and take a deep breath; I think I can manage that so I nod, “Okay.”

I follow her up into the lounge and she points out how I get to go outside if I change my mind. Once she’s gone I’m on my own, except for a few staff milling around. No-one takes any notice of me and I find myself drawn to the sound of the crowd outside. I wander over watching the game being played on the pitch through tinted glass. I can’t resist now I’m here, so close to him and I pull my hood up over my head, doing up my coat as I walk outside. After showing the steward my ticket, he points me in the direction of the seat. I feel a shiver run through me and I’m unsure if this is because of the cold or because every step I take is a step closer to Robert.

I start to make my way along the row keeping my head down, more to avoid having to acknowledge the irritation of everyone complaining that I’m in the way as United almost score again. I’m relieved when I sit down and slide down in my seat slightly, almost as if I’m trying to make myself invisible, but still so I can see the game. Thankfully no-one seems to be taking any further notice of me or recognises me, too busy watching United press forward again and now I’m settled I start to watch the game. I can’t take my eyes off Robert; it’s surreal to see him in the flesh after all this time, even if it is from this distance.

.

Robert, Saturday 19th November

I’ve managed to hide from everyone how I’m feeling after being in touch with Aaron this week and I still have no intention of ever saying anything to anyone. I just have to get through today and then I can hide away at home the rest of the weekend to try and get my head together. I’m my own worst enemy though, I’ve been constantly glancing up-to the seat in the stand and at the big screen as it sweeps across the crowd; stupid I know, but I can’t help thinking just maybe.

At first after the interview was published, there was a frenzy of attention any time someone was sat in the seat, but it was always some stranger that shouldn't be there. I had even paid the cameramen, who are usually the same ones most matches to sweep more regularly across his seat for the crowd shots. We're old news now though and no-one is bothered anymore or expects him to turn up, not even me.

I’m actually playing well, focussing all the tension inside me on the game to take my mind off Aaron. Over time the chances of him coming home were next to nil and probably still are. I know it was selfish of me yesterday but I refuse to go back to the place I was in after he left; it will destroy me. However, that doesn’t stop me feeling sad and now I’ve had time to reflect I can't help worrying what he’s thinking and that I hope he doesn’t do anything to hurt himself. On the other hand a tiny part of me wishes he’d never got in touch; I hate myself for thinking it, but in my own way I was doing okay before all this.

.

The physio leaves the pitch after strapping up the defender’s ankle and he hobbles away scowling back at me. I smile mischievously; it isn’t his day to be playing opposite me considering the mood I'm in. He came off worse from his own tackle and it’s my free-kick from just outside the box. I can feel the anticipation in the crowd, they’re always buzzing when we get a chance like this. I have a knack of scoring quite often from these; it’s how I get so many goals in a season.

I glance up at the big screen whilst the ref is playing around with the opposing team’s wall, getting them in line and I’m clearly imagining things, because as the camera is passing over the crowd I could have sworn I saw someone looking a little like Aaron. Chas isn’t here today, she has to work and I know it won’t be him, probably just some hanger on that looks a bit like him. However I can’t get it out of my mind that it is him and with the ref now talking to the defender who has started complaining again that there shouldn’t even be a free-kick, I turn my head and stare up-to the seat. I know exactly where to look; the seat’s location is etched into my memory. The cameraman realises where I’m staring and pans back for me; Aaron’s face is slap bang centre of the screen. It immediately pans away again over other sections of the crowd but I’ve seen all I need to see. I quickly look away, back to the wall, to avoid drawing attention to him; there is no mistake this time and although he looks different without the beard, I know it’s him.

.

The referee is finally sorted and blows the whistle for me to take the free-kick. With my foot on the ball, I try to focus on the game. Taking my customary three steps back, I stand with my hands on my hips; usually I’d be deciding where to place the ball, but scoring or football is the farthest thing from my thoughts. I can’t get Aaron’s face out of my head and I feel the pull of his presence; the only decision I have to take is what I want to do about it.

The referee is getting impatient and blows his whistle again, “When you’re ready Mr Sugden.”

I get a stern look, but I ignore him and turn to Tom, “You take it.”

Tom looks at me surprised but comes over; sometimes we switch, he’s also good at free kicks from this distance. He knows that something is amiss as soon as he reaches me; I've taken off the captain’s armband and hand it to him without any further explanation. He stares after me, gawping with his mouth open, as I walk away from him and towards the dugout. He finds his voice quickly though and starts to shout after me, confused, “Robert what are you doing? Where are you going?” I ignore him and keep walking. My eyes now never leave Aaron and as I get to the touchline I see him start to move having cottoned on that I know he’s here and he probably saw himself on the big screen after the cameraman worked out this is where I am staring and had panned back again for a longer and better look.

The boss is standing up, gesticulating all worked up telling me to get back on the pitch. He has the same questioning look on his face, same as Tom and all the others; just he’s a lot more annoyed with it. Martin does his best to block me from leaving the pitch as I reach down to pull my boots off. I push past him, “Don’t try and stop me boss; you do and I’ll never set foot on a football pitch ever again.” He recognises the look of determination on my face and still decides to grab hold of my arm but I brush it off harshly almost catching him in the face with my arm. I can hear the linesman also shouting after me; I’ve just left the pitch without permission so I’ll get a booking at least. No-one else tries and stops me as I jump over the wall and walk up the steps of the stand. The crowd is buzzing for a different reason now, as confused as the players who are stood watching me from the pitch, but there’s a gradual realisation as the camera moves between me and Aaron.

I knew he would leave immediately the minute he saw himself on the big screen and if he does, he might never come back, disappearing forever; so whether he likes it or not, I am going to talk to him. If that means it’s in the middle of the United stand, then so be it. He had made slow progress trying to make his way past people in the seats and I reach him just as he gets out from the end of the row and turns to walk up the steps away from me, but I stop him, grabbing hold of his arm.

.

My hold on his arm spins him round so he has to drop down a step and is stood close in front of me. I’d forgotten how gorgeous he is; he looks angry. He doesn’t realise this just makes me want him even more; the blue of his eyes glaring at me, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing Robert?“

“I could ask you the same thing.” I don’t back down and I can feel the intensity between us, our faces almost touching, “Don’t you walk out again, don’t you dare run away from me now.” His eyes are fixed on mine but I’m giving just as good back. It’s eerily quiet around us, but I’m not registering anything or anyone except Aaron’s face, finally in front of mine for the first time in what feels like a lifetime.

“I shouldn’t have come.” He mutters something else under his breath but I don’t quite catch it and despite saying this, he hasn’t moved or tried to run.

“Why did you?” He doesn’t answer. I have nothing left to lose and I tell him how I feel, “I love you Aaron, but it’s not enough on its own; you have to let me in. I meant what I said in that interview, I’ll give it all up, everything; if that’s what you need, what you want. I’ll do whatever you need just as long as we’re together.”

"You also said you'd wait, but you couldn't could you when it came down to it, so how can I trust you?" Aaron shakes head sadly, his expression softening, “I don’t want you to give it all up for me. It’s part of who you are; it makes you the man I fell in love with.” He looks away from me, his eyes darting around us over the watching crowd; he’s visibly stressing about where we are.

“Aaron look at me, not them, me.” He turns his face back to me and our eyes lock, “Why did you come here today?” He doesn’t say anything and I can see the fear and panic in his eyes. I hold his gaze unwavering, “Aaron, please. Don’t you realise that you have all of me, my heart....., everything; I don’t have anything else to give." He continues to remain silent and I can’t tell what’s going on in his head. "You need to help me here; what do you want?" Still nothing and it feels like he’s rejecting me all over again, just like when he called Chas that time and said he wasn’t coming home.

I search into his eyes, but there’s no sign from him; nothing to hold onto and I pull away, taking a step down away from him. My hurt is plain for Aaron and everyone around us to see as I shake my head sadly, “I can’t do this Aaron, you can’t put me through this just to walk away again.....; it’s not fair. I don't know what more you want from me; you're killing me.” He is totally calm and still as he studies me; it feels like my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces and my voice turns angry as I back down another step, “You’re right, you shouldn’t have come. Just fuck off back to Scotland and stay there. I don’t want to see you or hear from you again do you understand?” He doesn’t flinch once from my words; his expression is unchanging as I turn away, leaving him standing there as I start to walk down the steps towards the pitch. I don’t care what kind of punishment I’ll get from the boss; my own stupidity is punishment enough.

.

“Wait.”

I’m angry and frustrated, but I stop and turn round to face him, sniping at him, “What?”

Aaron’s eyes are piercing into mine, bridging the distance between us which also means everyone around can hear every word now. “Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

My heart misses a beat as he walks down the steps towards me, “What you said in that magazine….., the soulmates thing?”

I’ve never felt so confused about how to feel as I do now, “Yes I meant it.”

Reaching me, Aaron stops so we are almost touching and quietly speaks, his voice measured but his eyes are sparkling, crystal clear just as I remember. It’s like all of a sudden we are in our own bubble with our eyes locked once more, “I don’t how to do this Robert, but I want to try.” He hesitates and rests his hand on my chest, “You might never be able to understand why I left, but I love you more than anything and I left to protect you. It doesn't matter what I do though, all I seem to do is hurt us both even more. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen, but stuff happened that day that we might not be able to get past; not just me, but you too.” He pauses and I see him deciding how to continue, “I’m not like you, I deal with things differently so if I stay, it’s not going to be easy and you’ll have to be really patient with me; can you do that?”

I nod and whisper back to him, “Yes, yes I can do that; I can do anything as long as we’re together. You can have all the time you need as long as you don’t leave me on my own again. Promise me you won’t leave and you’ll let me help.”

Aaron nods, whispering back, “I promise, no more running.” Aaron surprises me; moving his hand up-to my neck and kisses me. It’s soft and gentle but after so much time apart it makes us understand how much we’ve both missed it, missed each other and I put my hands on his neck deepening the kiss. It quickly becomes really intense and needy between us and before I know it we’re full on snogging in front of seventy-five thousand people. We practically had to force ourselves to stop and when we pull out, we’re both equally embarrassed as it's only now we're aware of the noise from the entire crowd, mostly good I think. The entire thing had apparently been shown up on the big screen, the match had never re-started. We rest our foreheads against each other, not daring to look anywhere except at each other. I can’t stop smiling at him and I finally manage to speak, “Can we please get out of here?” Aaron nods and I grab hold of his hand; both with embarrassed grins on our faces, ignoring all the people and shouts from around us, we run up the stairs and past a gobsmacked doorman to go inside.

.

My mind is racing how we can get out of here and avoid being followed as I think to myself we need an exit strategy and fast. We’re running together down the corridor and almost bump into Lucy who appears to be coming back from feeding Sophie; out of breath and still holding Aaron’s hand; my words are tumbling out, “Can I borrow your car?”

She quickly gets over her shock of seeing Aaron and me here with him; she reaches into her bag and gives me her keys. “I want it back in one piece Sugden, I don’t want the press scratching it to shreds; you hear me?” We’re already racing down the corridor as I shout back ‘thanks’; we are going in the opposite direction of all the usual exits and down underneath the main stand. Running past surprised staff and random spectators in our path, we slip through a side door which comes out close to where Lucy’s car is parked. I throw Aaron the keys, letting him drive; he’s better at this than me and we screech out of the car park so fast that the man on the barrier hardly opens it in time. I turn around in my seat to see a throng of press chasing, but it's clear they won’t catch us. In the stadium they had been held back by police and stewards. Now outside, we’re on our own and I’m sure they’ll soon find us if we don’t come up with somewhere to hide quickly; my still wearing the United strip is a bit of a giveaway.

I look at Aaron and we smile at each other, the adrenalin still running through us. I don't want to think about what comes next, I just know he's here and that as long as he lets me in and we stick together, we’ll find a way.“

.

*-*-*-*-*-*

Martin doesn’t know whether he wants to throttle or congratulate Robert just at this moment, watching the media scrambling after them, “Shit, the press are going have a field day with this.” He can’t help grinning at Tom though, who is now on the touchline beside him grinning back whilst waiting to get fresh instructions for the rest of the game. The referee blows his whistle, relieved to finally get the match underway once more; thinking his match report will make for different reading from the usual.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks for everyone’s warm comments, I love reading them and that you keep sticking with me on my emotional rollercoaster; all I can say is, I did warn you about all the angst. That said, the story has gone a lot darker than I ever intended; this was because I couldn’t make one important point with what happened to Aaron work when I started investigating a bit deeper, so then I had to find something else to make it believable that he was scared enough to make him leave which turned it darker. So anyway, there’s a lot more emotion to come; it won’t be easy at times but hopefully they’ll face it together now.
> 
> This chapter was the reason for the whole story. The three questions at the ticket office, Robert walking off the pitch laying his heart open in front of everyone and Aaron’s fear almost blowing it at the last minute just to end up kissing Robert in front of a huge crowd was written in my head long before anything else. Hope it makes up for all the darker stuff.
> 
> Take care Caro


	30. We’ll Work It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron go to a quiet place to be alone.

Aaron, 19th November

“Where to? We can’t go home; the press will be crawling everywhere and I’m not quite ready for that.”

I glance across and smile at Robert who is muttering to himself after turning back around from trying to find something to cover up the bright red of his United strip, “Lucy usually has everything but the kitchen sink in here, the one time I want something and she’s cleaned her ruddy car.”

I can’t help a little laugh slipping out and pull over down a side street after deciding no-one will see us here we can take stock for a minute; we’re by some old run-down garages and it’s deserted. I take my coat off and hand it to him, “Here, put this on.”

Robert puts my coat over him; it’s too small for him to wear, his shoulders are too broad. I always liked that about him, that I could sink into him and feel completely protected by his body. I rest my head back and reflect for a minute. I wonder if I would have run the same if he had been at home that day instead of in Italy; would it have even happened? There are so many 'what ifs'; some of them we are going to have to talk about, but some....., we’ll just have to accept that we won’t ever know.

I find myself staring across at him. It’s hard to believe that after everything I’ve done to stay away and keep off the radar that when I come home I end up snogging him in front of what will be practically millions of people by the time it’s been on the news; everyone touting their opinions on mainstream TV. It had been surreal, like we had been in another universe; I always could switch off to everything around us when we were together.

He catches my staring, “What?”

I shake my head, “Nothing, it’s just....., you know?”

“I know.”

Robert sits back looking at me quietly and I repeat the question, “So where are we going?” I look over at him, “We need to talk properly….,” I smile nervously, “alone.”

“Do you have a phone?”

“Yep.” I pull out my phone from my jeans pocket and hand it to him.

“Drive, head for the North Yorkshire Dales.”

I look at him curiously, but he doesn’t expand further so I follow his instructions as Robert searches on the internet and then dials a number.

.

Aaron, Near Aysgarth 19th November

I stay in the background after Robert has introduced me and stand leaning against the car, listening to the conversation, “Thanks Ian. We owe you one.”

“I did say call any time you needed some space. This is the only one free, but it probably works the best for you considering; it’s the most remote of them all. You can have it until Tuesday; it’s booked from Wednesday on.” I smile as he gives Robert the once over with a critical eye, “Fetching attire you’ve got there. My partner is roughly the same size as you; I’ll bring you over something a little less....., red.” I can’t help smirking at Robert’s unamused expression and have to look away quickly as he catches me laughing at him whilst Ian continues, “I suppose you’ll be wanting some food and other stuff?” His phone beeps with a text which he reads, “That’s him wondering where I’ve got to. You’re alright if I tell him aren’t you? He can tell from a mile off when I’m lying; it’ll just make it easier and he can keep a secret with the best of them.” Robert nods. “He’s at home this month; you never met him did you?”

“No.”

“I’ll send him over, then you’ll know what he looks like rather than you thinking he’s some reporter or whatever and clock him one.”

“Pfft, as if we would.”

Ian peers at Robert over his glasses, “Well....., just to be sure, I quite like him most of the time when he’s not being a drama queen.”

We go inside as Ian gets in his car and pulls away, leaving us alone in the peace and quiet of the cottage; we're a good couple of miles from civilisation.

.

It wasn’t more than a half hour after that Tim appeared with some clothes for Robert, food, beer and wine along with some basics like toothbrushes and toothpaste. He was not what I was expecting at all from the way Ian was talking. It turns out he works the oil rigs and is away a lot, leaving Ian to run the pub, hotel and restaurant. This cottage is one of three holiday cottages they own in the area which are off the beaten track; just what we need to have some time to ourselves

“I need to text Meg and let her know I’m okay; she’ll worry otherwise.” Robert looks at me expectantly, “What?”

“You not going to text your mum.....? Do the same?”

I don’t respond to this and just put the phone down after firing off a quick text to Meg. I’m not ready for mum yet; I’m already way off the reservation with how I’m feeling before adding mum to the mix. I can tell Robert doesn’t approve but he doesn’t say anything.

We’d switched the heating up but it will take a while to warm through so I light the open fire whilst Robert goes for a shower and to get changed into his borrowed clothes. I’m having a beer and looking through what food Tim brought with him to see what we could eat when he comes back into the kitchen. I’m really hungry, “There’s some beef stew from the kitchen if that’ll do with some rice?”

Robert nods and gets himself a beer, resting against the kitchen counter whilst I put the food in the microwave to warm up. It’s quiet as we eat; we’re both sat on the floor leaning back against the sofa with the just the glow of the fire for light. Robert finishes first and after fetching us both another beer taking with him our empty bottles, he settles back down next to me and the silence descends once more.

We’re close but not quite touching; it feels comfortable and yet uncomfortable between us. It’s like we don’t know how to have a conversation anymore or act with each other now that we’re in the same room; the weight of all our questions hanging in the air but we don’t quite know how to start or worrying if it’s too soon.

.

Robert is fiddling with the label on the bottle, a bad habit he has, “Will you get into trouble for leaving the pitch like that?”

He keeps staring down at the bottle, “Yep, I’ll get a booking and a fine at least from the club; then knowing the boss he’ll hand out some other form of punishment or other. I wouldn’t put it past him to have me cleaning boots for the rest of the season.” He glances over at me smirking, “I’d do it again though.”

I bite my lip nervously; being physically near him is wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. His nervous playing is slowly destroying the label on his bottle and I rest my hand over his; he looks at me properly as our fingers intertwine and I let myself lean against his arm, my head tilted resting on his shoulder. Robert kisses my head and it's quiet between us once more, but I feel the tension slowly disappearing.

“What was wrong with Jamie? You said he’d been ill, but you never said what.”

“He has cancer, it’s going into remission though; at the minute....., don’t know if it will stay like that. It’s the second time he’s had it and he got really sick so they had to stop the chemo; he’s on this clinical trial thing. He looks a lot better though and his hair has grown back.” I smile at the memory, “He really hated that. I even shaved mine off with him for a month when his hair started to fall out to help cheer him up…., he was very amused.”

I can feel Robert staring at me and I focus on the fire to avoid his gaze, my smile fading, “Your mum said you shaved your hair off; why?”

I shake my head and get up and go over to the window with my beer, “Not yet; I’m not ready to tell you yet. Please Robert, I have to do this at my own speed; I’m already finding it hard just being here.” I turn round, not wanting him to get the wrong idea; “I want to be here....., with you....., but you’ve no idea how scared I was when I left. I still am and I need to find a way to get over that before I can try to tell you what happened.”

He stays sitting, back to fiddling with his beer bottle, “It’s okay. I said I’d give you as long as you need and I mean it. I’m not going anywhere....., ever and if you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay too. I want you to be happy Aaron; us to be happy.” He looks a little contrite, “I didn’t mean to push you like that before, I just couldn’t.....” I realise that Robert is feeling really emotional and close to crying, “I’m sorry; I just missed you so much, I couldn’t.....”

I go over to him and crouch down in front of him; taking his empty beer bottle from him I rest my hands on his, “I don’t blame you for feeling like that Robert; I don’t know how I’d be if it was the other way round. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I left and you didn’t know why; it’s not your fault; it’s just going to take me some time alright?” Robert’s hands grip tight and our eyes don’t part for a minute. Without letting go of his right hand I move to lie on the sofa and rest my head on his shoulder, my face into his neck and my arm hanging down over his front with his hand in mine. I can smell him, the clean smell of soap mixed with his scent. I’ve missed him so much; it’s overwhelming how it feels to be near him after all this time.

.

“Aaron....., Aaron.” I open my eyes, I’d fallen asleep; Robert is gently shaking me awake. He takes the empty beer bottle I’ve been cradling to me from my hand and goes to put it along with his on the drainer and then comes back, perching on the sofa. “I’m going to go to bed. I’m tired and it’s late.” I can tell he’s not sure how I’m going to feel about the sleeping arrangements, “I don’t know what you want to do; there are two bedrooms, so you can be in with me if you want, but if you’re not ready just take the other.” His hand gently brushes over my forehead and down through my hair resting on my shoulder, “I don’t know how to do this either.....; you’re going to have to help me Aaron.”

I wipe the sleep from my eyes and nod, “I know....., I will. You go; I need a little while on my own. I hadn’t really thought about stuff when I got on the train, I just knew I wanted you to know I love you.” I can feel the tears welling, “I left to keep you safe Robert. I promise I didn’t ever want to hurt you like I did.” I push my face down into the cushion to hide the escaping tear that gets the better of me and falls down my cheek.

Robert leans over me and lifts my face up, shushing me quietly and kisses my forehead, “We’ll work it out okay?” He strokes his fingers down my cheek and kisses me once more, “I promise.” He looks like he wants to say something else that’s on his mind but in the end he doesn’t, “Night Aaron.” I watch him leave the room and then listen to him clean his teeth before going into the bedroom closing the door quietly. I go fetch another beer and look at the clock; it’s not too late....., she’ll still be awake.

.

The phone seems to ring forever but eventually she answers, “Hi mum.”

I don’t get the sarcasm I had been expecting about what had taken me so long to call, she just sounds relieved, “Hey kiddo; you okay? Are you both okay?”

“Yes. It’s weird seeing him again, but I’m glad I’m here.”

“Well you know if you were wanting to sneak back unnoticed into his life, that wasn’t quite the way to do it.”

I laugh, “You think?”

“You’re okay though....., really?”

“Yes. I just need some time with Robert on our own first, is that okay?”

“We’re not going anywhere; we’ll still be here when you come home. You are going to come home right?”

“Yes, that’s the plan. What’s it like there?”

“Oh you know; same as usual.”

I pull a face, “What, no press crawling everywhere?”

“Ah well you see, they didn’t fare too well last time they were here so they’re what you might call a little cautious at setting foot in the village even for this joyous occasion. Sam says they’re camped outside Home Farm though and Martin reckons if Robert goes to training on Monday it’ll be the same there. How long before you come home?”

“I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought this far.”

“Is he okay?”

“I think so.”

“Be careful with him Aaron; he found it hard when you weren’t there. He takes things to heart a lot more than you might realise.”

“What....., you part of Robert Sugden’s fan club now?”

“He was struggling for such a long time and he wouldn’t let anyone in; we talked that’s all. He’s a lot more like you than you’d think; when he’s hurting he shuts out the people he loves.” Mum pauses, sounding thoughtful before continuing, “I love you Aaron and I can’t wait to see you. I know you had your reasons and so does Robert, but just promise me you’ll go steady with him?”

“I will. I love you mum; I can’t wait to see you either.” I can’t help yawning, “I’m tired; Robert’s already gone to bed. I’ll call you tomorrow okay?”

“Okay. Sleep tight.” The phone clicks on the other end and I rest back on the sofa; that was a lot easier than I was expecting.

.

I yawn again, my tiredness catching up with me. I finish my beer and contemplate mum’s words as I try to decide where to sleep. I had spent the first few months in Scotland trying everything not to think about home and everyone I’d left behind; unsuccessfully but I’d pushed away as much as I could. I know that I’m going to have to confront this and ask them all to forgive me for leaving and not being in touch all this time. Not just Robert, but mum, Adam and Paddy....., everyone. I’m going to need Robert’s strength to help me face everything about being home but there’s so much I’m not ready to share with him yet. I know when I talk about what happened it will only be with Robert; we won’t be able to move on properly until I tell him but I’m worried how he will react and that he’ll see me differently.

For now though, I just need sleep; tomorrow is another day. I put my empty bottle on the drainer and go to bed.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If all goes to plan, next chapter should be up sometime over the weekend.


	31. A New Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert start to talk.

Robert, 20th November

I wake early after a uneasy night’s sleep and desperately need a run; thankfully Ian had realised I also needed something for my feet and Tim had brought some trainers which seem to fit okay. After taking a look at a couple of maps I found on the bookshelf and deciding that we are remote enough to chance not being seen, I get ready to set off. I look a little odd with my United shirt inside out but it's a lot less obvious this way. Before leaving I put my head round the door of Aaron’s room; I’m not sure if it isn’t to make sure that he is still here or just make sure he’s okay. Whichever, I quietly close the door, leaving him to sleep and after writing a note I go out for a long run. The cold feels good and helps to clear my head. Yesterday, in fact all the last week, has been like being on an emotional rollercoaster and yesterday, although amazing to have Aaron back in my life, last night it had hit home how far we have to go to find some kind of normality and there’s no guarantee that we ever will.

It’s a couple of hours later when I get back to the cottage, hungry as anything. I was hoping after running so hard that I would be more relaxed and on one level I am but on another I'm a lot more nervous; I have absolutely no idea what to expect from today. In theory it's a chance at a new start, but I'm under no illusion; I'd be naive to believe it will be that simple.

Finishing the last of the water, I scrunch up the plastic bottle and go inside to make some breakfast. I can hear Aaron in the bathroom and leave him to it; I’m very conscious of the fact I don’t know what happened that day. All kinds of possibilities went through my head in the last months of what was so bad to make him leave; the fact that he slept on his own last night doesn’t necessarily mean the worst of these happened, but it doesn’t scare me any less now than it did back in March.

I’m pouring myself a coffee when Aaron comes over; he’s already dressed and towelling his hair. It’s the simple things like this that I love about him; he doesn't realise just how beautiful he is. I don’t even think about it and kiss him, catching him unawares, “I’m going for a shower, kettle’s just boiled.” Taking my coffee with me I don’t look back; I daren’t see how he reacted to the kiss but I kick myself mentally, knowing I need to be more careful with him. It’s just so automatic and natural the way he draws me to him that I can’t help myself, but I don’t know where the boundaries lie and I suppose that’s one of the things we will have to talk about.

.

After my shower I come into the kitchen and start to make some fresh coffee; Aaron is in the lounge on the phone, to Meg I think. He doesn’t look very happy when he comes in and sits up on the table resting his feet on the chair next to me. I wait to see if he is going to tell me what’s up when his phone rings again. It sounds like Chas this time, so he must have spoken to her at some point for her to have his number. I feel uncomfortable listening in and picking the blanket off the back of the sofa from the lounge I go and sit on the outside steps, hugging the blanket tightly with my hands around the mug of hot coffee to help keep me warm.

I’m debating if it's safe to go back inside when the door opens and Aaron comes out to join me. He pulls his coat on before moving past me on the steps and then leans back against the stone wall to the side of me, “Everything alright?”

He nods, “Yeah, mum says hello.”

“You rang her then?”

He nods, “Last night. I said I’d call her this morning because we didn’t talk long, I was too tired.”

“How is she?”

He grins, “Okay; impatient to see me, but trying not to show it.”

I speak quietly, “She missed you; we all did Aaron.” He stares at the ground kicking his foot back, resting it against the wall, his eyes full of guilt. I instantly regret saying this as I didn’t mean it as an accusation; it's simply the truth. I quickly move on to avoid it becoming something more, “Who was that before? Meg?”

He nods and sighs, staring out at the view over the valley, “Jamie isn’t very happy with me.”

I look at him curiously, surprised because they seemed so close, “How come?”

“I’m not who I said I was. I used Barton as my last name instead of Livesy and he’s angry about you.”

I pull a face even more confused, “Why on earth would he be angry about me?”

“He saw us on the telly. He didn’t know I was coming home to see you; we didn’t want to tell him until I saw how things went. You’re his hero and I didn’t tell him I knew you, never mind that I was with you so he doesn’t know what else I lied about. Meg says he’s just angry because I lied. He wouldn't even come to the phone to talk to me.

“He’ll come round. Meg and Sean can explain.”

“He’s stubborn.”

I smile up at him, “Must be why you get on so well.”

Aaron returns the smile while squinting from the early morning sun, “Funny.”

“Meg and Sean, they do know everything right?”

“They know everything I did when I was up in Scotland and some of what happened at home, but I didn’t tell them everything.” Aaron is looking at me, suddenly quietly serious, “I met Meg the night I left….. and Jamie, though he was out of it most of the time asleep.” Aaron is fidgeting nervously with the zip on his coat, “I'd been hitching and ended up nearby to where they live; it wasn’t important where I was, I didn’t care. It was late and I was scared; I wanted it all to stop. The more I'd thought about it the more sure I was; Meg talked me down.”

I rest my head back against the door frame and peer up at him, almost too afraid to ask. “What do you mean she talked you down?”

Aaron takes a deep breath and stares straight into my eyes, “I knew I didn't want to live without you and I'd convinced myself I'd never be able to come home, that it would never be safe. She found me stood on the wall of a bridge.” I’m unsure what to say because Aaron seems to be smiling at the memory and I don’t quite know what to make of that. He catches the look on my face, his smile widening further, “She was having a bad day and got cross with me, telling me to get on with it and jump.” Seeing the flash of anger in my eyes he adds to this, “It’s a bit more complicated than that.” Aaron pulls himself away from the wall and moves to sit on the step below me. He shudders from the cold and leans back into me; he doesn't share any more details and I don't push. “You’ll like Meg….., and Sean.” I don't trust myself to say the right thing, instead I wrap my arms round him, pulling the blanket round, warming both of us. Aaron responds holding me tight to him, his hands in mine and I rest my chin on his head, enjoying the simplicity of the easy closeness I feel between us.

.

The cold had started creeping in so we come back inside. I sort the fire out and put some more wood on to get it blazing again whilst Aaron is rummaging around in the cupboards. He appears with some dominoes and what looks like Kerplunk. I can see the grin on his face, “I used to love this as a kid.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Well what did you play as a kid or was this too simple for the Sugdens?”

I look at him, struck speechless for a minute, “We didn’t play games. I used to have my farm work getting up at silly o'clock before school and then again when I got home after; I hated it. It’s why I joined the football team; I didn’t even know I could play then.” I've shocked myself with the bitterness in my voice. Aaron is looking at me quietly as if to apologise for reminding me of something I would rather forget. I shrug, sighing, “It’s a long time ago. I told you before I didn’t find it easy with dad. The farm was everything; we never had any money and there wasn’t room for playing games.” I smirk at him as I sit down on the floor in front of the fire, “Set it up then, I think I can work it out.”

We spend the next hour having some mindless fun playing Kerplunk and then dominoes which I’m actually enjoying; Aaron too if the smile on his face at winning the last game is anything to go by. We take a break whilst Aaron goes to the loo and I lie flat on the floor, staring into the fire. My eyes are so entranced watching the flames I hadn’t noticed him come back in and is now leant against the doorframe, stood watching me. He comes and sits on the floor leaning back against the sofa with his legs stretched out and he motions for me to come closer to him. I tentatively move so I’m resting my head on his legs and he strokes his hand through my hair. I loved all the little things like this we used to do before without even thinking about it, that now seem such a big deal.

“Are you going to go to training tomorrow?”

I shrug, “Haven’t thought about it. I wasn’t sure how things would go with us.”

“I was thinking of going back to Scotland.”

I feel myself tense up, “I thought….”

“I can’t just leave Sean and Meg without a mechanic, it’s too much for Sean on his own and it will give us some space.” I sit up agitated, biting back the urge to say he hadn’t got a problem with leaving us behind, what makes them so special, but I manage to keep the thought to myself. “I’ll go see mum tomorrow before I leave and then come back South at the weekend. I’ll just keep going between there and home until he’s found someone to replace me." Aaron pauses, looking at me nervously, "I need to take this slowly Robert until I get used to everything again. You could come up some time; I want you to meet them anyway and Jamie would love it.” I stay silent and he recognises the shift in my mood, “You need to meet them Robert, it’s important to me; they saved my life and not just that night on the bridge. I wouldn’t have managed that long without them and then when it got too much again, they didn’t give up on me. Meg might tell you the opposite, but they're the reason we’re here now.”

.

I’m sat by his side, almost facing him, hugging my knees as I ask cautiously, “What happened?”

“Jamie had been nagging for me to watch the football with him, the England Scotland game and I gave in.” Aaron stops, staring into the fire a moment before continuing, “It was the first time I’d seen you or heard anything about you since I left and it hurt too much. I couldn’t cope with it and I hurt myself, but it wasn’t enough to take the pain away.” Aaron's eyes are fixed on mine as he takes my hand; he hesitates before lifting his top up so I can see his stomach and what I see shocks me. There are at least a couple of new cuts, but what draws my eyes is a burn not fully healed. He pulls my fingers to it, “I used to wear your door key on a leather strap around my neck and I took a blow torch to it.” I can see the effort in Aaron’s expression as he opens up to me, “When it was hot enough I….., it was glowing red it was so hot….” Aaron is unable to finish the sentence and I realise he is trembling. 

I look at Aaron in horror, my gaze alternating between his face and my fingers hovering over the burned scarring, “Why didn’t you just come home? How you could do that instead of coming home to people who love so much and would do anything to keep you safe, no matter what." I look at him steadily, "I don’t understand Aaron, or even Meg or Sean? You obviously love them....., why didn’t you talk to someone....., anyone.....?”

He ignores the question and is staring into the flames of the fire to avoid my eyes; the look on his face is unnerving. “It hurt, but it wasn’t enough. I walked to the bridge and I jumped; I don’t remember anything after hitting the water. Sean had seen me leave and followed me. If it wasn't for him pulling me out I'd be dead. It was only after that Meg told me that she’d known about you for a while but hadn’t said anything; she’d seen the interview you did from a magazine she'd picked up at the hospital. She wouldn’t let it drop; she wouldn’t stop pushing and in the end got me to talk, to admit that I couldn’t let you go. She said the same as you, that I had to fight and convinced me to try talking to you.”

I had some dark days when he was gone but taking my own life never entered my head and it scares me that things affect him like this. “Would you have tried, if she hadn’t pushed?”

“I don’t know.” Aaron looks away from me a minute and then turns back to me, “No. I was still too afraid. She told me I had to stop being scared and that I was being selfish.” He takes a deep breath; his bottom lip is tembling and I see the tears welling, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…., I didn’t even know about what happened in Italy until she told me. I was so wrapped up in myself that I just shut everything out. I’m so sorry.”

Aaron’s tears finally break and I pull him to me, rocking him slightly as he weeps quietly in my arms, my hand stroking the back of his head as I try and comfort him. I don’t know how to feel about all this, what to think. I don’t say anything for a minute before I admit something I hadn’t ever said out loud before, “I hated you....., I missed you, loved you and hated you all at the same time. I hated everyone and everything after you’d gone; I didn’t know how to live without you either. I shut down for months, just in a different way to you.” I can feel Aaron let out a huff as he holds onto me tightly, trying hard to rein in his emotion.

.

I hold Aaron to me until his crying lessens and he lifts himself up slightly so our faces are close, both searching in each other’s eyes. I want to kiss him so badly but I daren’t; I wish I could make love to him, to take all his pain away with my love. Unsure what to do next I wipe away a stray tear that falls onto his cheek with my fingers. I sense the need in Aaron, his eyes never leaving mine as he moves to stroke his hand down my face. He kisses me softly on the mouth; he tastes so good and I kiss him back. The connection quickly intensifies and we are soon kissing hungrily. Aaron pushes me to lie down on the floor, he moves on top of me and my hands start roaming over his body. It's when my hand reaches under his jumper, up his back that he pulls away sharply and rolls off me. He is hugging his knees tightly to him, his expression apologetic but I also see fear in his eyes, “Sorry.” We are both slightly breathless and affected by our emotions from the moment, “I want to be with you Robert, I want to go back to how we were before; I just can't yet.”

The desire is clear in his eyes but so is the fact that he had made a conscious decision to push it away. It wasn’t just a reaction I don’t think, it was also a decision, “It’s okay. I promise it’s okay” It takes all my willpower to push away my own desire for more. “I said I’d go your speed and I mean it. I’ll wait Aaron; I’ll wait until ever you’re ready okay.” I can’t tear my eyes away from him and it hits me how hard this is going to be, “You should probably stay at the pub whilst you’re in Emmerdale, until we see how things go; all your stuff’s there anyway.” Aaron looks at me curiously and waits for me to explain, “I took everything back after you called your mum that time. I couldn’t face seeing them around the house; it felt like you wouldn’t ever come home and it hurt too much.”

“Sorry.” I see another tear fall down his cheek and he huffs, taking a deep breath, “I seem to be saying that a lot recently.”

We're sitting close once more and I run my hand up the back of his neck and rest it there holding his head so he is looking at me, “You don’t need to be sorry; I’m sorry, but it’s not going to change anything. Let’s just concentrate on the future. You’re going to have to help me with the boundaries though Aaron, because I’m not going to deny, I want you. I want to be with you and make love to you.”

“I’m not ready for sex and I don’t know myself where the boundaries are. I’ll stop you if you push too far okay? Kissing you like this is already way more than I thought I could ever do but it feels right; being with you like this feels good. I love you Robert, I’m just not ready for more at the minute.”

I want to ask and I feel the tears welling as I think about it, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to cope with the answer about what happened to him. It’s like Aaron can sense what I’m thinking and he moves onto his side, pulling me down with him so that we are laid facing each other and he wraps his leg over mine. He’s so close that I can feel the warmth of his breath. “I know what you’re thinking Robert…., they didn’t....., they didn’t do that, but they scared me very badly and they made me feel….., I don’t know how to explain it…., unclean. I feel like they broke the part of me that can share myself....., like that you know?" I nod quietly; I know what he's trying to say. "They fucked really badly with my head. I don’t know how to tell you what happened just yet, but I will tell you. I’m so afraid you’re not ever going to look at me the same; I’m not the same, I never will be and I need to find a way to get past that."

I don’t say anything because nothing I can say right now that will change how he feels. I kiss his forehead and pull him back into my arms. We lie together like this for a long time.

.

We spend the rest of the day pottering around and go for a walk in the afternoon. We don’t talk anymore about what happened, we’ve talked enough. There’s a lot we both need to absorb and we’ll talk a lot more, but for the moment we’re both emotionally drained. I cook for us at night and we fall asleep on the sofa, lying together in the firelight. We still sleep in separate rooms, but it feels we’ve reached a place where we are okay and there’s no awkwardness between us. I’m not frightened to be affectionate with him, in fact it’s the opposite, he seems to crave this, holding onto every little touch almost; but anything more physical and he tips completely to the opposite extreme and his eyes light up with fear. However, slowly across the day we’ve found a balance and I suppose this is as much as I could have hoped for. I’d pushed him hard to get him to come home but it’s clear we are both very fragile from what has happened over the last few months. We're both going to need time to heal, but we’re back together and that's a start.

TBC


	32. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron returns to Emmerdale for the first time since he left.

Robert, 21st November

We set off early in the morning so it’s just before eight when we pull up outside the back of the pub; there isn’t a soul in sight. Reporters know better than to come anywhere near here, but I know they’ll catch up with one or both of us sooner or later. Meg had told Aaron that some of the locals had obviously recognised him and there had been some press milling around up there but the truck drivers had made sure they kept a distance. If only we had been able to protect him as well as this back in March.

It’s perfectly still and quiet for a minute before we finally move to get out of the car and I glance over at him to check if he’s alright as he’d become increasingly nervous the closer we got to Emmerdale, “You okay?”

Aaron nods, but I’m only half convinced as he grabs my hand, holding tight whilst knocking on the back door; however when Chas opens it, Aaron practically falls into her arms. They both have tears in their eyes as they hug and Chas doesn’t want to let go when Aaron eventually needs to pull away before she squeezes him to death.

I give him a quick smile when he looks back at me, reaching for my hand again as we follow Chas inside. I’m not sure why, but he still looks really apprehensive; I soon work it out though. It sounds like Chas hadn’t probed too much with him on the phone but now he’s here she can’t help herself after being starved of information and all the months of worry. The questions come one after the other; Aaron lets her ask away, answering most of them but his relief is evident when we’re interrupted whilst Chas has to go to sort out a delivery. Having a few minutes alone, I put my arm around him and he leans against me. “She’ll settle down, she’s just happy to have you back home.”

“I know.” Nodding, he lets out a big sigh, resigned to the fact people will want to see him and all be asking questions.

I look at the clock, “I suppose I should call the boss. What do you want me to do? I don’t have to go to training today if you want me to stay with you until you leave?” He doesn’t say anything, but the look on his face says it all and I smile at him, “I’ll blame you and anyway it’ll give Martin more time to think of my punishment for Saturday.” Aaron smiles shyly at me. I get the number from Chas when she returns and call him quickly to explain. He’s happy that Aaron is home but it’s clear there will be some consequences from walking out like I did, but he’s surprised when I tell him that I'll be in tomorrow and Aaron is going back up-to Scotland later today. Chas also looks shocked at this and very unhappy, looking to Aaron for an explanation and I feel him tense up immediately.

.

It takes a while for Chas to accept Aaron’s decision but it's Cain, who in the meanwhile had come in after recognising Lucy's car, who eventually gets her to back off. Aaron is still tense when we leave as we then wander to the scrap yard but Adam is out and it’s all locked up. Aaron seems relieved more than anything as we start to walk back to the pub, “You want to call him....., see if he’s at the farm?”

Aaron tries to cover but it’s too late, I saw the look of pure panic on his face which turned pale as anything. “It’s okay, I get it.” I don't need him to explain as I pull him to me for a hug where he clings tight, “It’s okay Aaron, sshhh; you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.” I kiss him and wrap my arms around his head protectively as he hides his face against my chest, working hard to calm himself. We stay like this until I feel him relax enough and I release him, but our hands are touching, playing off each other and we're smiling at each other almost bashful as I walk him backwards. I pull him round so we are walking side by side, holding his hand properly as we go to the car, “So what do you want to do? Do you want to get off up to Scotland already?”

He looks at me steadily whilst I lean against the car and he turns back into my arms, “Mum will drive me potty. I want to live back at home with you if that’s okay?”

I hadn’t been expecting this; it had seemed so clear that he didn’t want to move that quickly. I nod; it gives me a warm feeling inside that he thinks of being with me as home. I kiss him softly on the lips, “You know it is; we don’t have to take all your stuff, just what you need for now.” He gives me a quick kiss back and we go up-to his room to pack a few things, also pocketing his wallet and keys that he had never taken with him when he left. Fortunately we hadn’t said anything to Chas earlier about where he would live so hopefully she won’t make a big fuss when he tells her.

.

We get in the car to drive home, but I don’t start the engine, “Aaron I’m going to get some security for you, maybe both of us, just for a while.”

He stares out of the window, clearly irritated I’d brought this up, “Robert, I don’t want people watching over me or us; you know I hate all that.”

“Aaron I won’t lose you and I won’t risk anyone hurting you ever again. I let you win this argument last time, but not today. Don’t fight me on this please. It doesn’t have to be forever, just until things settle down. I won’t sleep if I don’t know you’re safe.” Aaron continues to stare out of the window, biting his lip. We had fought so bitterly over this earlier in the year but I won’t back down this time. I turn his face towards me, my hands resting either side of his neck, “Please Aaron, for me.”

Despite the defiance in his eyes, he relents seeing my determination but is visibly unhappy about it, “Okay, but only for a while. I’m not going to be babysat for the rest of my life.”

I lean over and kiss him, “Thank you.” I kiss him a last time before we drive off, smiling at the grumpy expression he has going on.

.

We ignore the press outside the gates of Home Farm as we drive through; Aaron hardly seems to register they are there. He has a glint of amusement in his eyes as we get out of the car and I look at him intrigued, “Wonder if my key works? A blast with a blow torch probably didn’t do it much good.”

I frown at him failing to see that there’s anything remotely amusing in this. I follow him to the door and watch him try the key. Aaron’s face lights up hearing the lock click open. “Hhmm, who’d have thought?” I don't share his delight at the success and instead focus on the mail I’ve picked up from behind the door leaving Aaron to go upstairs and sort his stuff out. He grabs my attention, yelling at me down the stairs and I head up to find him in my old room, our old room, “Have you moved bedrooms or something?”

“Ah.....” He pulls a face and waits for me to explain, “Mmmh....., bad night with a bottle of absinthe. I threw up everywhere and despite repeat cleaning it smelt of sick. I ended up staying put in the room next door."

“So I see. Well it doesn’t smell of sick now, so are you moving back or staying where you are?”

“You sleep here, I’ll stay where I am and move back in when you’re ready?”

“Deal.” I sit on the bed looking around as Aaron puts his stuff away and have to lie back, staring at the ceiling to avoid Aaron see the emotion getting to me; so many memories flooding into my mind of how it used to be with him. Aaron comes and sits next to me on the end of the bed. I resist the urge to pull him down with me; sad that he’s leaving so soon and I don’t want to let him go. In fact I don’t think I ever want to let him out of my sight ever again.

He turns round to look at me, sensing my sadness he pulls me up by my hand and I rest my chin on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his waist, “I’ll be back in a few days, it'll fly by and I'll be fine I promise. It's not as though I'll be able to get up-to anything I shouldn't anyways what with your security there to keep me out of mischief.”

“Good or you’ll be in bother.” I manage a weak smile but still unable to hide that I don’t want him to go.

Aaron picks up the bag he’s packed to take with him, “Come on, I should be setting off, it’s a long drive. I’m good to take the Land Rover right?” I nod as I follow him outside. He throws his bag onto the back seat, but before he gets in he turns back pulling me into him and I rest my forehead against his not wanting him to see my tears welling, “I need you Robert.”

This sets me off and I can’t stop my tears falling. "I need you too.”

Aaron whispers into my ear, kissing my earlobe, “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

I kiss him, summoning a wry smile, “Well you Dingles always were a bit on the slow side.”

He pushes me away playfully before pulling me back to return the kiss, “Oi, that’s my family. Not as if you Sugdens are any better.”

“Don’t know what you mean?”

We stand quietly again, hugging each other; my hand reaches up through his hair and I hold him tight not wanting to let him go. We kiss again, a real kiss, taking our time; we don’t go as far as tongues, but it's laced with our emotion and insecurities. Aaron gently bites my lip as we part forcing me to pull away to try put some distance between us before he feels how that turned me on so much, “Go on, before I lose my will power, drag you back and lock you in with me so you can’t ever leave.” I can’t let him go though and come back in for a last kiss through the open car window. “I’ll call you later when I’ve sorted out the security.”

He nods thoughtfully, “See you at the weekend okay?” It’s my turn to nod and I head back inside after watching him leave. The house seems immediately empty without him; he’s hardly been here and already he is everywhere. I pick up his hoody which he had taken off and left over the chair in the kitchen, smiling to myself because I know I’m going to be sleeping with it all week until he comes back.

.

Aaron, 21st November

I can’t avoid the flash of the cameras as I drive past into the garage forecourt before disappearing out of sight round the back of the workshop to park up. They don’t follow me though and I smile, remembering what Meg had said about the truckers having a set-to with some of them. I had also recognised the two police officers watching on from callouts I’ve been to; I reckon they’re probably here more to keep the press safe than me.

It’s nice to be back in the space that I’ve made mine in the last few months as I crash down on the bed with my eyes closed, taking a minute to relax after the long drive. It’s going to take some time to adjust to being back with Robert and a part of me feels torn.

Meg and Sean knew to expect me back today, so I don’t rest long before I go across to the house to see them. Meg beams at me like a proud mother, making me go all embarrassed when she sees me leaning against the kitchen doorway. Sean laughs at us both and mischievous Meg can’t help herself, “You okay then? No trips to the bridge tonight?”

I stare at her gobsmacked and then at Sean who shrugs his shoulders in despair, “I gave up trying a long time ago.”

I play along, “Not tonight, I'm too tired. Thought we could take a walk tomorrow in my break though maybe?”

Meg gets up, and comes over to give me a big hug, “I don’t think so young man. You’ve got hours to catch up on; don’t remember giving you the Monday off, do you Sean?”

He shakes his head laughing at the absurdity of our conversation, “No; overtime all week.”

“Fine by me.” The familiarity of being back here feels good. Meg puts the kettle on as I catch them up on the last couple of days and my plans. The only thing missing is Jamie and when he still doesn’t appear after a while, I can’t wait any longer, “He in his room?”

“Mmh hmm.”

“He still mad with me?”

“Not so much mad, just quiet. He’ll be fine.”

“Can I go and talk to him?” Seeing them nod, I get up, “I’ll be back in a bit.”

.

I knock on Jamie’s door; there’s no answer, but I push it open anyway. He’s lying in bed reading a comic book. Stubborn as ever he ignores me; even when I go over and sit on the bed by his side.

“Hey.” He doesn’t respond and I don’t really know how to start. I lie down, turning on my side and rest my head on the pillow, “I didn’t mean to lie Jamie.” He refuses to look at me and I continue, “Remember that first night, with your mum on the bridge?” He turns a page, but I know he’s listening, “Well your mum saved my life that night, but you know that. I never planned on staying more than a few days, you know that too; but I did and ever since that day, being here with you, your mum and dad, you all kept me alive. You took me in, treating me like one of the family.”

Jamie is as stubborn as me, “Look at me Jamie.” He glances at me quickly and then after laying down his comic book he turns onto his side so he is facing me. I can tell he’s not upset with me anymore but I need to make sure he understands, “Some people hurt me and I ran away from everyone I loved. I ran away to keep them safe; my mum, all my family, friends and Robert. I was scared and it hurt leaving them all behind, it really hurt Jamie; that’s why I was on the bridge that night. I couldn’t tell the truth in case they came looking for me or went after anyone back home. It was safer that you didn’t know; do you understand? I didn’t want any of you to be in danger as well.” Jamie nods silently, but he’s looking straight at me now. “It’s taken me a long time to find the courage to go home and I’m still really scared even now.”

“Does this mean you’re leaving?” Jamie’s bottom lip starts to tremble.

“I don’t know yet Jamie. I need to work through some stuff but yes, if things go okay at home, then I’ll move back there. That doesn't mean I'll forget about you though. I love you; you're all like my own family to me. We can get you a new laptop with a camera so we can skype and I’ll come and see you. You can come and visit.” I nudge him playfully, “You’ll get to meet Robert Sugden....., then you’ll find out what a pain he can be.” Jamie smiles shyly, “You can come and stay with us whenever you want, go see United play.”

“Can mum and dad come too?”

“Definitely; I can’t wait for your mum to boss him around. He won’t know what’s hit him.”

He smirks at the thought of his mum bossing around the England captain, “She’s good at that.”

“Yes she is.” I take a deep breath, relieved we're okay, “Come 'ere you.” I pull him to me, “You won’t get rid of me that easily; you’re the brother I never had and that won’t ever change, you got it?“ He nods, “Who else will come up with the most outlandish stories and make me laugh at the weirdest things. Think of it this way, you just inherited a brand new family; they’re a bit odd granted, but they’re alright.” I feel Jamie huff a big sigh and he properly relaxes with me and after another hug I sit back up, “Am I forgiven, are we good?” He nods, “Anyway you. Your mum tells me that you came top in your test at school.” He looks embarrassed and I laugh at him, “Swot.”

“Am not.”

I raise my eyebrows, “Brainier than me, that’s for sure.”

Jamie looks tired and goes quiet as he snuggles properly under the duvet in his usual position to sleep, “You will be here in the morning won’t you?”

I nod, “Yes. I have to work and according to your mum,” I pull a face, “overtime all week. Maybe you could put a word in for me?”

“She never listens to me.”

“Worth a try though ey?”

We go quiet, its getting quite late and he can’t keep his eyes open; I watch him for a while longer until I get up to go, “Sleep tight Jamie.”

I thought he was already asleep, but he calls out, “Aaron.”

I stop in the doorway, “Mmh hhm?”

“I love you too.” I’m such a softie; after pulling his door to, I have to stay standing on the landing for a minute to compose myself before going back downstairs to say good night to Meg and Sean.

.

Robert, End November

The boss told me I got a yellow card, he is fining me two week’s wages and I have to do talks in the local schools, but he was smiling, enjoying giving out my punishment. I just smiled back shaking my head and accepted it. I would take any punishment he hands out now I have Aaron back in my life.

It's a weird week without Aaron. We speak every day and I even spoke to Jamie, who the first time went into overdrive on the phone until Aaron finally managed to calm him down. I couldn’t help laughing, listening to them messing around.

I find myself pottering round the kitchen on a night chatting to them for at least an hour, usually longer. It’s bizarre; I seem to have acquired an extended family overnight. I struggle with the family I have never mind getting another one that seems even pushier than mine. Aaron sounds happy and that’s all that matters. I can’t wait for him to come home though; he’s driving down on Saturday for when I get in after the game.

Aaron moaned about having the security cramping his style, but Jamie just piped up in the background that Aaron doesn’t have any style so he’s totally safe. Apparently Meg gave him a boatload of grief when he started whining about them and he hasn’t complained since; she sounds fiercely protective of him. It was my agent Kathryn who had arranged everything. She had used them for other high profile clients and I had done some asking around and only received good reports.

The club had actually insisted that I had someone watching over me too so Aaron can’t complain at me knowing this. Peter, the team leader is with Aaron, I liked him as soon as I met him and then there's at least one other with them all the time. I had warned him Aaron wasn’t too thrilled about the whole thing. That said, all the reports back have said he’s playing ball. I think deep down Aaron is relieved they are there. Peter basically knows as much as I do about when Aaron left, time will tell if Aaron opens up more. I’m determined to find the people responsible to make them pay and Peter knows this. We didn’t get far enough in the conversation to agree on what that actually means if we do find them.

.

I’ve been gently teased by the team all week about Aaron because of Saturday, but I got off lightly; they are all too acutely aware of the circumstances in which he left. It’s never really discussed other between me and Tom when it’s just the two of us, but I know they get it. They saw how much it affected me when he left and most of them were with me in Italy and realise that whatever happened most likely scared him into leaving. It makes me proud to be their captain.

United had a Champions League game at home during the week and after that the press seem to have started moving onto other things so hopefully they’ll leave us in peace now. During the game I got some stick from the crowd, but I don’t mind and neither did they as we won two-nil; I set up one goal and scored the other. It was one of those games where everything just went my way.

.

Meg called me unexpectedly after Aaron had set off to come home. It was the first time I’d spoken to her and she told me that he’s hiding it well, but despite the security that underneath he's still frightened about everything. I promised her I would take care of him. I’m intrigued to meet Meg. I’m not sure what to make of her, but the one thing I know I need to do is thank her for bringing Aaron back to me. From the way Aaron talks about her it's clear they have some kind of special bond. I wonder what it will be like to see Chas and Meg together with him; it kind of feels now that he has two mums.

I almost knock Aaron over when he walks through the door in my excitement to see him, his eyes sparkling with amusement. He is just as bad though, he doesn’t let go of me the whole night until it is time to go to bed. Leaving him to go to my own room was really difficult. We said goodnight with a lingering kiss outside his bedroom door and after that I needed a shower where I ended up jerking off and then again later to stop myself going to him. Knowing he was in our bed in the room next to me was so tempting. 

During the week I'd told him about the Sunday lunch tradition. He hardly got to see anyone on Monday so we agreed to invite the family but it started getting a little bit out of hand on the numbers front. For the first time, I was considering that I might actually have to use the dining room, but it quickly became apparent after a count up we will be over twenty so we decided to do a winter grill; this way we can mix and match instead of having a sit down thing. I wasn’t sure if Aaron is ready for seeing everyone in one hit like this, but he said yes straightaway.

I think he does find it overwhelming at first when everyone arrives; that first awkwardness where they don't know what to say to each other, but it just naturally seemed to find a level footing. The Dingles, for good or bad, are not a family to hide behind their emotions; after getting a few cans down them, I could be forgiven for thinking it was like before Aaron left. He looked completely done in by the time they all leave though and we go to bed early. 

.

Laid in bed thinking about it, Aaron has been pretty relaxed most of the time except there are odd little things I’m beginning to notice where he is different from before and especially when he shied away from Adam. It was almost as if he went out of his way to avoid him and when I asked him about it later, he just said I’m imagining it.

The weekend had flown by so quickly and Monday morning comes too soon with Aaron leaving very early to drive up-to Scotland. He has to wake me when he comes in to say goodbye but despite me being still only half aware when he leaves, I remember clear as day his kiss goodbye and telling him I can't wait to see him at weekend up in Scotland.

TBC


	33. Having Fun Are We?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert visits Aaron in Scotland.

Robert, 3rd December

We have Monday off as a rest day because there are so many games in December which gives me chance to go up-to Scotland. It doesn’t feel right turning up to see Aaron in the dead of night the first time I meet everyone so we agreed that I’d set off early and get there for Sunday lunch instead.

We’d spoken on the phone for a long time during the drive north. He told me that Meg is super nervous driving everyone nuts; best china is coming out and everything. I don’t tell him, but he probably suspects anyway that I’m just as nervous. They know a part of Aaron’s life that he shut me out of and helped him through some really dark stuff. I’m still finding it hard to accept he let strangers help and not me or his family.

.

Some of the people who recognise me stare when we arrive, doing a double-take just to be sure it's me; nothing I’m not used to. Aaron is kicking a football around in the car park with a young lad who I assume is Jamie. He's looking at me mortified, having just accidentally kicked the ball hard against the side of the car which seems to be amusing Aaron no end.

I wasn’t sure how to be with Aaron in front of Jamie, but when I reach him he pulls me close to his side holding my hand, squeezing tightly and kisses my cheek. I speak quietly in his ear, “Having fun are we?” Aaron smiles, noticing how I’m checking him out with my eyes; I can’t help it, he looks and smells so good. Jamie appears to have gone all shy when Aaron introduces me and quickly turns away going towards the house. Aaron sneakily leans in, gives me a quick kiss on the mouth and then pulls me with him to follow Jamie.

Aaron is right, Meg is a great cook and it doesn’t take long for everyone to relax. I’ve brought some good wine with me and maybe it was the nervousness but Meg and me drank our way quickly onto the second bottle whilst Sean and Aaron stick to beer. I could see Jamie shaking his head in despair at his mum, who is as much a character as she had sounded from Aaron’s descriptions. Sean is a lot quieter but I like him; I like all of them and the affection they have for Aaron is obvious. He’s part of their family and just for an instant I have to push away the pang of jealousy that keeps resurfacing.

.

After clearing up, I get a tour of everywhere and we end up in the loft which is Aaron’s room. I almost fall arse over tit after tripping over his rucksack when I walk through the door, clattering into a blow up doll leant up against the wall which I end up with in my arms as it was the only thing that stopped me falling completely. After a lot of choice of comments, everyone thinking they are a comedian, I get over my embarrassment by scolding Aaron that I could have injured myself; I can just picture Martin's face at trying to explain that one. I challenge Aaron to a game of snooker and we set up the table. Meg and Sean make some excuses about having things to do and leave; Meg practically dragging Jamie with her so we can have some time alone together.

Jamie hadn’t taken long before sneaking back up though so we spend our time playing snooker and messing around the three of us until Meg shouts us all back over for something to eat later in the evening. We stay in the kitchen after this, chatting until late. Despite his non-stop yawning, Jamie argues about going to bed. It’s only when I offer to go up and see his room with him that he agrees. He shouts me after getting changed and cleaning his teeth and I feel a bit weird when I go into his room. I’m not used to being around kids so much, not quite like this anyway and I don’t really know what to say as I sit in the chair at his desk looking round at his bedroom. “So....., Caley Thistle or United?”

“Stupid question. United of course.”

I can’t resist a smile at this, “You’ll have to sort out with Aaron, but when you visit us then you’ll have to come watch a game.”

“Really?”

“Really.” It falls silent between us. I get the impression Jamie is smarter than he lets on sometimes, Aaron had all but said as much and I take advantage to probe a little about how Aaron is really doing. I suspect if anyone sees Aaron with his guard down it will be Jamie, “So what’s he like then when he’s here?”

“Who?”

I don’t answer, he knows I mean Aaron and he finally gives in, his nervousness with me actually being here winning out, “It’s just Aaron.”

”He’s okay right though Jamie?”

“Yes.”

“Sure?”

“I think so.” He pulls a face, “You should ask mum. He tells her stuff he doesn’t tell me; they all treat me like a baby sometimes.”

I'm sat swivelling side to side in the chair trying to act innocent with my questions, “You know him though, I can tell. He doesn’t need to tell you stuff, the same the other way around.”

“Sometimes.” He hesitates, knowing exactly what I'm up to, but Jamie has questions of his own to ask, “They don’t think I know, but I know what he did.” I stop with the swivelling and look at him quietly not wanting to upset him more than he clearly is by this. “Mum was crying and I heard her talking to dad. Aaron wanted to die.” I'm quite shocked at how easily he said this, but it had nothing to do with being easy, it was just the only words he knew to make sense of what Aaron did and it's the raw truth. “You won’t let him, will you?”

I don't answer immediately; I’m not exactly sure what I have influence over at the moment when it comes to Aaron, never mind control, “I’ll do my best Jamie, I’ll do everything I can to keep him safe.”

“He kissed you, so he loves you right?”

Of that I have no doubt, “Yes, but that doesn’t make all the bad stuff go away Jamie. Just like Aaron can’t make your cancer disappear and never come back, though he would if he could. It doesn’t work like that. Me and Aaron....., I love him more than anyone or anything but it doesn’t mean I can suddenly make it all better.”

Jamie hesitates, “Why did they hurt him?”

“I don’t know Jamie, he won’t talk about it.”

“He said I’m his brother.” I didn’t know this, but I’m not surprised.

“That means you’ll have to meet the rest of the family when you visit, would you like that?”

“Yes; he said they’re a bit odd though.” I can’t help laughing at this, thinking he’s not wrong, my lot included. I move the conversation onto safer ground, asking questions about his favourite players. He asks for my autograph which makes me feel sentimental for some reason that I can’t explain. I don’t realise how the time is going, finding it relaxing sitting listening to him. He was already very tired when he came up-to bed and it’s not long until he starts to slow down, his eyelids drooping. I say goodnight and he lets me go without argument.

.

I join the others back down in the kitchen and it seems no time at all until it turns midnight. Meg and Sean say goodnight and go to bed leaving just me and Aaron, properly alone for the first time since I got here. I'm also tired, a mix of alcohol and I was up early; I can't help yawning. We haven’t discussed sleeping arrangements and it dawns on me there isn’t a spare room. I fetch myself a glass of water and lean against the sink; Aaron sees how tired I am, “You can have my bed, I’ll sleep on the sofa in the lounge.”

I shake my head, “No way, I’m not kicking you out of your bed; anyway I’ll have nightmares from Sean’s doll. How can you sleep in there with that watching over you? It’s just weird.”

Aaron grins at me, “I forget she's there; Jamie was amused when we found her and insists that we keep her topped up with air.” I look at him pulling a face and he raises his hands smiling, “Don’t ask me.” He comes over and leans against me, putting his arms round my waist and kisses me, “It was okay right? You like them?”

I kiss his head, hugging him to me, “Yes, I like them. You knew I would.” Aaron shrugs and I let my hands run through his hair resting on the back of his neck as he rests against me. Despite my tiredness, I can feel the stirring of desire between us and I kiss his forehead before pushing him gently away from me. “Go, the sofa is mine Mr Livesy.” He sees I’m not going to be swayed and goes to get me a spare duvet and pillow then helps me get set up. I follow Aaron to the door as he moves to leave; it is unbelievably hard to say goodnight to him as we kiss and I watch him walk away to go to his own bed.

Lying under the duvet, I reflect on where we are since Aaron came back into my life. In so many ways we are very affectionate with each other; it makes me crave more but I don’t ever try to touch him sexually. I think I can manage to sleep next to him and control myself, but I know this has to come from him when he is ready. Although he seems okay with us being physically close, really close sometimes; as soon as my hands touch the bare skin of his body, even accidentally, he pushes me away quite roughly and he gets this look on his face that I can’t quite make out. I wonder if it is because of the burn or if he has more cuts than I’ve already seen. He shows no indication that he's ready to open up to me about what happened and part of me isn't convinced that he ever will.

.

Robert, 4th December

I’m woken by the sound of someone pottering around in the kitchen and I stretch out, my entire body aching. I've had better night's sleep; the sofa is a little short for my long legs. I pull on my jeans and go into the kitchen, “Morning.”

Meg smiles at me, “You want some coffee?”

“Please.”

“Probably not the comfiest of nights on the sofa hey?”

“It was fine.” I’m given away by a big yawn and the sound of cracking as I stretch out a little.

“Liar.” I smile at her and gratefully accept the mug of coffee she hands me. “He’s pleased you’re here you know?”

“I know.”

“We’ll miss him when he’s gone.”

“Do you think he'll be okay.....? Coming home I mean.”

“We haven’t pushed him much to talk, but I think so; he just needs time to wrap his head around things still.”

“He’s not the only one.”

“It must have been a bit of a shock him turning up like that?”

I shrug, “I love him. It’s just nice to have him back.”

“But.....?”

“But what?” Meg looks at me knowingly, “It’s all on his terms Meg, I won't push him into anything he's not ready for.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“He’s scared still, you know that?”

I feel myself getting annoyed and snap, “I can still read him you know.” I regret sounding so harsh, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like that." When he’s home all the time it's going to force us to face some things, “You don't think I know Meg? None of the last few months have been easy. He left us all thinking the worst....., I’m still thinking the worst.....; to be honest I don’t know what to think sometimes.” It’s the first time I’ve really talked about how I feel with anyone. I don’t want to burst the fragile bubble we're in and even with Tom or Isa I can’t seem to talk about it.

.

Meg sits down and we eat bacon butties. I look at the clock, “Does he always sleep in this long?”

“Yes, he doesn’t finish work usually until eleven, why?”

“It’s like the exact opposite of before. He was always the one awake long before me, either going up to the farm or early at the scrap yard. Now it’s me getting up at the crack of the dawn whilst he sleeps in.”

I consider telling her that Jamie knows but I decide not to. Meg looks at me intently and after finishing her butty she gets up to put her plate in the dishwasher and stares out of the window an instant, “You fancy a walk Robert?”

After quick consideration I nod. Finishing my coffee we grab our coats off the hook and head outside; it’s misty and cold out. I let Meg lead and we walk side by side quiet for a while, “I never said thank you.”

“For what?”

“Keeping him alive....., you kept him alive when I couldn’t. He said he wouldn’t have ever come home if it hadn’t been for you.”

“Maybe; he knew he couldn't let you go. I think he might have have gone home in the end of his own accord; we'll never know now. Anyway you don’t need to thank us; he helped us more than he'll ever take credit for and he’s like a brother to Jamie.”

“I know, they’re like two big kids together.”

She smiles fondly, “He’ll make a good dad; you both will if that’s what you want.”

I look at her a little shocked, “You might just be getting a bit ahead of yourself on that one. We have to find a way to be together, to live together. We won’t know if we can do that until he comes home properly.”

“You will, just give yourselves time. Be patient with him Robert.”

I realise we are walking up the hump of a bridge and Meg comes to a stop leaning against the wall looking out into the distance whilst I peer over the side, “Is this where he jumped?”

She nods, “Yes.”

“Did he really jump because he saw me play?”

Meg looks across at me and she doesn't need to answer. I stare back over the wall, my gaze looking down at the water gushing past under the bridge; it looks deep and fast. I can’t imagine how Sean got to him, but I’m glad he did. Meg continues, “This is where I met him. I was coming down from my mothers, she owns the pottery up the hill. He was acting as though he didn't give a damn about anything or anyone, trying to be all funny.....; but he still got down and fixed my car.”

I look at her a moment; she has that same reminiscing look on her face, the same as Aaron had. “Why do you both seem to look back at that night as though it was a night out to remember; almost as if it was a good night?”

“I suppose because it was in an odd kind of way. We both needed each other that night; someone to vent at without pulling any punches or lying." Meg touches my arm and I look at her properly, "He wasn’t going to jump; he might tell you he was, but he wasn’t. He didn’t know what he wanted that night but he wasn’t ready to die.”

“How do you know?”

“When he did jump, there were no games, no jokes; he walked with the clear intention of ending his life. Sean saw him and said he didn’t hesitate, he just got up on the wall and stepped straight off.”

I shudder at the thought of this and rest my elbows on the top of the wall, rubbing my forehead with my hands, “I don’t know how to feel about that. It scares me, what he does to himself. You know he harms right?”

“I saw the marks.....; has he.....?” Meg stops herself.

I look at her curiously, “What?”

“Nothing, he needs to tell you himself.”

By the way she looks away from me, I know she was going to tell me something important but changed her mind, “What do you know that I don’t?”

“I don’t know what happened to make him leave home Robert. He never told me.”

My frustration is beginning to get the better of me, “But you do know something?”

“I know he wants to tell you. I know he loves you and he wants to be with you.”

Turning my back to the river, I lean against the wall and sigh, shoving my hands in my pocket, “I’m so frightened of losing him Meg? It was still a battle to get him to let me get security, even after everything.”

“He lets them get on with it though. It helps I think, them being here.”

I look over at my own minder, Billy who's at the end of the bridge but I’m distracted by seeing Aaron walking towards us and I can’t quite make out the look on his face but he doesn’t look filled with the joys of spring, “Shit.” Megs looks to where my eyes are staring, “We might just be in trouble.”

.

As I suspected, Aaron is far from happy, “Having fun are we? Talking about me behind my back.”

It’s Meg who answers ignoring Aaron’s scowl, “Good morning to you too. We came for a walk; the bridge isn't just for your personal fun you know.”

Aaron pulls a face, “You don't do fun if I remember rightly.”

“Not your kind of fun, no. How about you Robert? You like Aaron’s idea of fun?” I listen to the exchange a little taken aback by how they are almost goading each other, “Don’t worry Robert, this is what we do, hey Aaron?” She leans back off the wall, “Right, I’d best go and sort out the other two important men in my life whilst I leave you both to it.“

Aaron is still scowling, “What? You don’t want to scrounge a fag for the way back?”

“Trying to quit.”

Aaron snorts a laugh, “Yeh right; you never last two minutes.” He pulls out a packet of cigarettes, “Here, have a quiet one on the way back.”

We watch Meg light up and hand him back his lighter; then with a quick smile at me she heads back in the direction of the house.

“Didn’t know you smoked?”

Aaron shrugs, “Sometimes, not often.”

He comes over and leans over looking down into the water just like I had not long before and I can’t help tensing up as I watch him. He stands back upright and jumps up to sit on the wall with his back to the water. “She can’t help herself.” I look at him not knowing quite what he means, he nods in Meg’s direction, “She likes to meddle; she’s just like mum sometimes.”

I look at him and answer quietly, “Good job. You’d probably be dead otherwise.”

Aaron hits back angrily, “Well now you’ve seen it, anything else? You want to jump in and test the water for yourself?” He leans back out over the water, his hands holding onto the stone to stop him falling backwards but I can't stop myself reaching for him until he jumps down, "I'm not going to jump you know, you don't need to hold onto me." He moves over to the other side of the bridge with his back to me, leaning over whilst looking down river.

I shake my head, riled by his attitude and I walk away from him before I say something I might regret. I don't know how to handle him when he's like this. Is this what it’s going to be like when he comes home, so unpredictable that I’m always going to be afraid of what he might do to himself?

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by Aaron having caught up to me and forces me to stop, pulling me to face him. I don’t want to look at him and I turn away shrugging him off to try and keep on walking, but he refuses to let me go and holds me back. I half fend him off but I relent and we fall into each other’s arms, holding each other close. I hold Aaron so tight, his hands are either side of my head, holding it so our noses are touching and he kisses me. At first a quick kiss but then deeper, full of a tense neediness, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be like that.”

I don’t answer because I don’t know what to say and I hide my head on his shoulder so he doesn’t see how upset I am; not because of what he said, but because I'm worried I'm not going to be strong enough to cope. What if I can't help him? We eventually release each other and slowly walk back to the house holding hands. I can see Peter and Billy watching us from a little distance away. I don’t care what they think; they’re here to keep Aaron safe more than me. The problem is they can’t keep him safe from his own demons; only Aaron can do that.

.

When we get back I kick a football around with Jamie and Aaron, who shows no sign of his mood from earlier and in the afternoon we visit the distillery. I can’t believe Aaron spent all that time up here and except on a call-out or to the hospital with Jamie, he hasn’t seen anything. I buy some bottles of whiskey for Christmas presents and Aaron waits quietly as I get bugged for autographs and photos from a couple of the other visitors there.

The rest of my time up here goes smoothly and it’s reluctantly I get into the car for the drive back down home Monday night knowing I won’t see Aaron for a couple of weeks. It’s so full on with matches, I’m away for the second leg of the Champions League during the week then we have an away match on the weekend and another mid-week match at home after that. I’m not sure I would say we have intentionally avoided talking about the Champions League match during this next week, but I didn’t want to spook Aaron and he didn’t mention it, so I don’t really know if it’s bothering him or not, bringing up bad memories. Despite what I’d said to Meg, sometimes I just can’t tell anymore. The one thing I know for sure is the more time I spend with Aaron so far, the more questions I have than answers.

TBC


	34. Stuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is struggling to adjust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 34 and 35 posted together.

Aaron, End December

I moved back to Emmerdale the day before Christmas Eve. Meg said the loft will always be my space for as long as I want, so apart from clothes, I left everything for when I go back to visit and it’s not as though I had a lot of stuff there anyway. I was supposed to move back the weekend before but offered to stay and help Sean get the newbie settled. I decided it was easier as Robert had so much on with United and I didn’t want to be stuck at home with nothing to do. The truth though was also a part of me didn’t want to leave, not because I don’t want to be with Robert, I do but Scotland is safe and familiar whereas Emmerdale feels exactly the opposite.

We talk a few times a day but the distance that the in-between time had given us has been really good and probably what we both needed; at the same time it has also masked the problems that we still have to confront. I know we are both nervous about how things will go now I’m here permanently.

Christmas in general is quiet; it just happens. We spend the entire time in this weird bubble where nothing seems real to me; I don’t know how else to describe it. Robert had a game Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and we just go from one day to another in a blur. Mum and the family go overboard with me being back, closing the pub on Christmas Day for a big do, but gaps in my relationship to everyone in Emmerdale are beginning to show; with mum and Cain, Paddy, but especially Adam. Robert is beginning to see just how deeply I was affected by what happened as he watches me pull away from them all one by one; shutting them out any way I can.

Robert keeps asking questions that I don’t want to answer, like why I’m so off with Adam, what I want to do for a job. I had pretty much told Adam I don’t want to go back to the scrapyard and want out altogether, blurting it out on Christmas Day which didn’t go down well and we’ve not spoken since after getting into a huge argument. Robert has been trying to play peacemaker, but seeing I’m not going to back down any time soon he offered to buy my share, letting Adam run the day to day as he wanted. I said I’d think about it which has annoyed Adam even more.

Things with Robert weren’t bad but they weren’t great either; he doesn’t argue with me when I tell him that I’m coming up-to Scotland for a few days over New Year. With New Year's Eve being a Saturday, United have a game which is away on the south coast; by the time he gets home the night will be over and I had promised Meg that I would spend New Year in Scotland with them. Robert knew this so he talked about flying up-to Scotland straight after the game but I was almost cruel in the way I told him not to and he backed off from the idea. I’ve started now to even slowly distance myself from him even though I need him more than ever.

.

I’d come back up here Thursday already to try and sort out my feelings but it all just seems even more confusing. Both Meg and Sean know I’m struggling; Meg tries talking to me but I shut her down every time. The work-shop was supposed to be closed for a few days but I spend my time tinkering, enjoying the quiet time with Sean doing jobs you never quite get round to usually. I'm grateful for Sean's understanding that sometimes I need someone to be there but without a need to constantly talk about things; the time I am with him like this is the only time I’ve felt even half relaxed in over a week. The one truly positive is that Jamie is looking better than I’ve ever seen him, the cancer now going into full remission according to the doctors.

It has been good to come back up here, but even being back in the loft feels different. I had known it would be hard going back home, but I hadn’t expected to feel like this. It’s like I don’t fit anywhere and nothing feels right. It’s almost a new year, it’s supposed to be a new start but I just seem stuck; I can’t go back but I don’t seem able to move forward either.

.

We go to Meg’s sisters for New Year’s Eve. It’s okay but I spend most of the night quietly watching from the side; I hardly touch my drink, even Jamie has more enthusiasm for the party than me. The highlight of the night is definitely seeing Meg fall off her chair after drinking a glass of wine too many. It wasn’t long after that when we come home, the security coming in handy for once, being our taxi.

Sean puts Meg to bed whilst I take care of an overly tired Jamie. I sit on his bed watching him for a while; I already missed spending time with him even though I’ve only been gone a week and we talked every day. I want to be with Robert, but I don’t seem to be able to settle in Emmerdale and he knows it. He had texted and rung earlier, presumably from the team coach, but I didn’t answer or call him. It’s not payback for last year or anything; I don’t have an excuse, except I don’t know how to be with myself anymore never mind anyone else. I continue to let my fear control me and in the process I’m hurting all the people who love me. Sean says goodnight after a last whiskey and I sit with a tea at the kitchen table. It’s just after one and my phone buzzes again with another missed call from Robert. I switch it off and sit in the quiet. I don’t want to be afraid anymore but I don’t know how to let go; I just know I have to. I had promised Robert no more running, but that’s all I’ve been doing and we both know it; he just hasn’t called me out on it to my face....., not yet.

I go outside pulling my coat around me, needing some fresh air and a walk until I find myself stood on the bridge. I know Craig, my other minder, is a lot closer to me than usual and it's not long before Peter is also there, probably having been called once it was clear where I was heading. I wouldn’t say I don’t know they are there usually; I always know they are there, but never in an intrusive way. I’ve kind of got a weird relationship with them; definitely not chatty, but we acknowledge each other and they respect that I need my own space. They are just another odd part of the jigsaw that makes up my life at the minute. I get up on the wall and start pacing; for the first time, they come close, really close and Peter doesn’t take his eyes off me, most likely trying to work out what’s going on in my head. Good luck with that one I think to myself. I’m not stupid; I assume they have my history in detail, Peter said as much. Knowing Robert, he probably hired them to protect me from myself as well as anyone else.

I'm cross with myself and stubbing my toe irritated against the top of the wall when I realise Peter is now up on the wall beside me. He's calm and doesn't say anything, simply looking at me steadily. That's what I like about him, he doesn't always need to speak to get people to do something; he just has this subtle way about him. Despite my reservations, having him around has made me feel safe. I get the impression I'm a little different from his usual gig. I'm not famous and although Robert is, I'm the one being protected because of what happened even though no-one knows what that is; he's experienced enough to know it was something serious to make someone like me walk away from everything. I have wondered if he has watched close enough to see the marks and if that's why he seems to read me better than I read myself sometimes. I tell him what I want to do, which I think after all my odd behaviour this last few weeks takes him a little by surprise; then he smiles the most genuine smile I've seen from him the whole time he's been with me. Peter gives me options, adding that Robert had given them an open budget for whatever I needed and I decide what's the point of Robert having all that money if we don't take advantage when I need it. Well I need him, I need Robert more than anything else; I need to let him in, it's time to stop running.

.

Aaron, 1st January

It’s dark when I go into the house just before four-thirty thinking it’s amazing what money can buy. The helicopter had arrived less than an hour after I told Peter what I wanted and it took just under two hours to fly home. I had thought about calling ahead, but decided not to and told them not to wake Robert. I have to do this in person and he’d only have worried. This then gave me a mini panic on the way that maybe he was out somewhere at a party having decided to give up on me already and found someone else to keep him company for the night; but they assured me he was home and hadn’t been anywhere.

Once in the house, I'm confused at first because I don’t find him in his room; after starting to search I discover he’s in my bed, our old bed. I go sit beside him, amazed he hadn't woken up from the noise of the helicopter. I stroke my hand through his hair and kiss his forehead, but he still doesn’t stir at all. I can barely make him out between the darkness and him being wrapped up tight in the duvet. He's sleeping on his side clutching my hoody which makes me smile, I had wondered what I'd done with it. I take my jeans off and slide into bed beside him still wearing my shorts and t-shirt. I love how he smells, a combination of shower gel and his aftershave. I wrap myself around his naked body and for the first time pretty much since March I fall asleep immediately.

.

Waking up with a jolt I'm aware something’s different and then I remember coming home during the night. We are lying on our sides facing each other; I feel the closeness of Robert’s body intertwined with mine and when I open my eyes I see he’s been watching me sleep. He looks boyish cute with his hair all messy and it makes me smile as I stroke my hand through it; neither of us says a word as I pull him into a kiss. We lie together and I feel embarrassed slightly as his eyes never leave mine, staring so intently that I feel the need to break the silence, already knowing the answer to my question, “Did you win?” Robert nods silently. I can’t tell at all what’s going through his head but it feels comforting as his nose brushes lightly against mine. “Meg fell off a chair drunk.....,” he smiles but still doesn’t say anything.

I don’t know what to do so I close my eyes, relying on my senses to take over. Our closeness in bed like this is stirring my desire for him. I’ve only had a few hard-ons since March and they have all ended the same way, usually with me throwing up. He can feel the tension in my body; he strokes his hand across my forehead and down my cheek taking the anticipation between us up a notch and l make the first move kissing him deeply and pressing our bodies together. Our kissing becomes increasingly frantic and I have to quickly grab hold of his hand tight not wanting it to wander under my t-shirt up the bare skin of my back, but I can't ignore any longer that I want him; I want him very badly and Robert knows it as he holds me still, “Whatever you want Aaron, it’s your call.”

Opening my eyes I answer, my voice barely a whisper, “Make me come. I want to remember how good it feels.”

Robert looks uncertain, but my breathing is quickening; being with him is intoxicating and my desire is impatient as I start to rub myself against him once more. I move onto my back and close my eyes again, pushing Robert’s hand down my front and together our hands massage my crotch through the fabric of my shorts. His leg moves over mine and I can feel his hardness against my outer thigh; I can also feel Robert's hesitation as he stops and I open my eyes. His hand is still and he pulls me so his other arm is under my neck cradling my head close to his. I love how his eyes seem to reach into my soul, I love how he makes me feel, “Are you sure Aaron, are you really sure?” I nod and my body arches letting him push my shorts down and he pushes them off completely with his foot which then nudges my legs further apart. I move my hand away as he wraps his own fully around my shaft and he slowly begins to stroke me. Robert starts kissing my neck and earlobes, my body is responding in every way possible to his touch, our kissing becoming heated and passionate. He very quickly has me squirming and moves his arm out from under me; I help guide his head down until I feel the warmness of his mouth and tongue taking complete control of my senses. I’ve never got past this point with my hand, but this is Robert’s mouth and very different; it’s like I’m drowning in his touch as the waves of euphoria go through my body. It’s been so long and very soon he has me on the verge of coming; his hands press my hips down to limit how much I can push up so he controls almost completely what and how I feel until I can't hold it any longer. I push his hands to the side and thrust deep into his mouth, my body arching as I cry out, coming hard. My entire body tightens, straining to the max as my come fills his mouth and I hold his head to me as I zone out for an instant. He grabs my hands away so he can pull out for some air and pins them to the bed whilst making me cry out loudly repeatedly, continuing to suck up and down my shaft until I can’t take it anymore.

Robert moves up and immediately looks scared when he sees I'm crying. He pulls me over onto my side to look at him and brushes my tears away with his fingers, “Aaron, please tell me you're okay, please I thought.....?”

I put my fingers over his mouth to shush him, “I did; it’s okay. I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s been a long time; I haven’t come since we were together in March.” I kiss him before snuggling close into him.

Robert strokes his hand through my hair and wraps his arms around me, “Are you sure, you’re okay?”

I nod and whisper back, “Yes,” I don’t have the words to describe how it felt after all this time; I can’t hide my smile, feeling embarrassed, “A bit quicker than it used to be though.”

I’m practically clinging onto Robert still recovering from the emotion and physical after effects coursing through me. Fear about my reaction seems to have dampened his hard-on but I can feel his semi-hardness as he rests his leg back over mine and cradles me in his arms. I know I’m not ready yet and he seems okay with just holding me; however for the first time, I recognise that the part of me that can freely make love to him is still there; it might still be buried deep inside, but for the first time I know for sure that I can do this.

.

We are lying close together, kissing in-between dozing when I glance over at the clock “It’s almost midday, we should get up I suppose at some point.”

Robert shrugs, “We don’t have to if we don’t want to.”

“I thought you were planning on working up at the farm for a couple of hours?”

Robert hesitates knowing this is a touchy subject with me; I wasn’t at all happy when he told me he helps out up there. “I don’t usually on the weekend but I said I might; I was thinking I might need to kick the shit out of some hay bales to let off steam after a certain stubborn boyfriend wouldn’t talk to me.”

He’s smiling but I’m quiet with my response, avoiding his eyes, “You still might.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t want to be afraid anymore.” Robert’s look turns serious, “I need to tell you what happened.” He doesn’t say anything, “I want to tell you what happened; but not here....., up at the farm.” I look at him nervously. I haven’t been as scared of anything in my entire life before; telling Robert will almost be like reliving it all over again. I don’t know how he will feel or react but Robert deserves to know the truth because I need him to help me move on and stop running for good or I might as well just go back and jump off that bridge.

.

Robert comes downstairs pulling his jumper over his head and gets his coat off the hook. I'm sat on the bottom steps of the staircase as he looks at me silently for a moment, “Are you sure you want to do this at the farm?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” I told Peter and the others last night that I wanted to do this and when we go outside, the car is ready and waiting. Neither of us usually like being driven around, but today it’s a good thing as I’m not sure what state either of us will be in after I’ve told him everything. I sit close to him during the drive up-to Butlers and there is an uneasy tension hanging in the air. “I have a confession to make.” Robert looks at me curiously, “I couldn’t wait to see you and I got a helicopter to bring me home.” He squeezes my hand and kisses me, “I might not be able to pay you back for that one.”

“I don’t care about the money Aaron, I just care about you.” It goes silent again between us and I grip so tight onto Robert when the car pulls through the farm gates that he’ll probably have bruising on his arm from my fingers digging in.

.

Robert had rung ahead before we left home and spoken to Moira, no idea what he told her but there is no one in sight when we arrive. The farm doesn’t look any different as we sit quietly in the car with Billy whilst we wait for Peter to finish checking around. I don’t notice when he comes back and nods an okay to Robert; instead my eyes are fixed on the door of far shed where we had been that day. It’s just one of the many on the farm that I’d been in hundreds of times before; a normal farm building that gets converted into the lambing shed each spring.

I have to force myself to get out of the car and despite the fresh air feeling good, I’m almost sick seeing and smelling the embers from a burning pile of rubbish; we’d been burning stuff just the same that day. Robert offers me some water but I shake my head; I just want to get this over with. I stand still an instant my eyes glued on the shed not daring to look at Robert in case I break down. Reaching for Robert’s hand I finally find enough courage and we walk over, pulling open the door I sneak a quick glance at him and take a deep breath before walking through. The shed feels much bigger now with only the permanent pens down the outside walls, but in March we had put together temporary pens down the middle and there was stuff everywhere as we got ready for the lambing season.

Robert is watching me intently and I can sense he’s as nervous as I am. We stand in silence for what seems a long time, but it’s probably only a couple of minutes as I look around us; it’s so quiet in contrast to what I remember from that day.

.

I don’t really know where to start, “The whole day had been irritating and I was fed up with the press hassling. We’d decided to close up for the week and then after dinner at the pub, I came up here with Adam to help get ready for lambing and get away from everyone; Mum was seriously doing my ‘ead in about you and everything. Adam had sneaked me into his car and I hid under a blanket." I walk around a little and look back at Robert, "As far as we knew no-one except mum had any idea I was even up here."

"Moira and the others had gone off to pick up some stuff they’d bought from another farm and would be gone until really late. It was nice just kicking about, having a laugh, you know?” Robert nods. “Until Adam got a call.....,” I pause a moment, “Someone had slashed Vic’s tires at this catering course she was at in Thirsk and she was stranded. He wanted me to go with him, but I wasn’t in the mood for Vic being all useless, you know what she’s like with stuff like that and I didn’t want to be recognised by anyone. I was enjoying the quiet, so I convinced Adam it was okay to leave me.” I shove my hands in my pocket and start stubbing my foot against the floor, “It wasn’t Adams fault, I wasn’t having none of it; you know how I can be....., I wouldn’t listen being stubborn as usual. It was my own fault I was on my own.”

“Aaron you shouldn’t have needed to feel afraid here. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“But I am....., I am afraid" I pace around a little before walking over to where they had cornered me. Even though Robert is here and Billy and Peter are outside, being here again is terrifying. Robert tries to comfort me, but I pull away needing some space between us for me to be able to tell him. “You know what it’s like getting ready for lambing.” He nods, “The radio was on loud and I didn’t even know they were there until it was too late.”

TBC


	35. Little Lamb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to March as Aaron describes to Robert what happened to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  
> Okay, this is really not for the faint-hearted and it's definitely not nice on any level; strong homophobia, verbal, sexual and physical abuse/torture are described. This chapter only contains the flashback so if you don't want to read it you could probably skip it and continue reading without necessarily having to read this one.
> 
> Chapters 34 and 35 posted together.

Aaron, Tuesday 15th March - Previous Year

Standing with my hands on my hips, I take a look around. I’ve finished spreading the fresh straw bedding in the last few pens and after washing out the buckets have put a couple in each one for feed and water. There’s not actually much left to do other than burning the last of the rubbish and Moira usually sorts the rest, like the lambing kit, herself. I’m thinking about going for a brew when the radio goes dead. I start to turn round thinking that Adam can't be back already, he's only been gone about quarter of an hour, “Has Vic changed her mind then and actually.....,” I don’t get any further and find myself doubled over unable to breathe after being hit hard in the stomach quickly followed by being whacked over the head, knocking me unconscious.

.

I come-to gradually, not quite able to work out at first why I ache so much but on lifting my head and opening my eyes I try to relax but I quickly realise I’m in trouble. I strain hard against the ropes tied around each wrist but they hardly give they are pulled so tight. I’m on my knees in one of the permanent pens down the side of the barn with my arms stretched out either side of me, the rope tied to the top bar of the side railings. I manage to stand up slowly, cursing at the pain in my stomach from the punch before.

I stop pulling realising I’m wasting my energy and focus on the people around me. There’s three of them as far as I can see; one with his back to us at the shed door, presumably keeping watch. Then of the two close to me, one is in the pen to the side of this one, leaning over the railings and the other is stood a couple of feet in front of me. They all have balaclavas on so I can’t see their faces, “Trashing where I work not enough fun for you? My family and friends will be back soon you know?”

“Not guilty on that one, but you do seem to be upsetting a fair few folk this last few days and I don’t think so; it’s quite a trek to Thirsk and it really is bad luck that all the tyres were slashed. Where is it the others have gone? I forget but they’re not going to be back until late according to what I heard so that leaves us plenty of time to have our own fun don't you think?“

I start pulling at the ropes again, his voice is too calm and thoughts of what they want with me are beginning to seriously unnerve me, “What do you want?”

The answer first comes by way of a hard punch in my right side, causing me to fall down, “You back on your knees for one thing." I suck in hard trying not to show how much it hurt and I glare at him. He's laughing at me, his eyes glinting with amusement as he looks across at the other one who seems equally amused. “That’s better don’t you think?”

I see a fourth guy appear and he climbs up and sits on the side railing watching down on me and it’s clear I’m in real trouble. I stare at them defiantly; I’m not going to let them see my fear if I can help it. The one in front of me looks around, “So what’s this place used for?”

When I don't answer he punches me again, switching it this time to my left side and continuing to stay silent earns me a backhander. The man crouches down in front of me, “Think you can play that game with me?“

I glare directly into his eyes, but I answer, “It’s the lambing shed; the ewes get brought in here to give birth.”

“That’s better. Lambing ey? Which are you, the ewe or the lamb?”

I ignore the question, “What do you want?”

“Me? Oh I don’t particularly want anything. That’s more what we were going to ask you, what with your filthy hands and dirty mouth all over Robert Sugden. Do you really think you can do that with the England captain and get away with it?" I keep quiet not wanting to provoke him. “Do you think you can infect him, turn him into one of you disgusting back-alley faggots?”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh really? Robert Sugden had a little lamb. Is that what you are....., a little lamb?” He laughs looking at his friends, “set for the slaughterhouse?” He grabs hold of my chin squeezing hard and I start to struggle but I’m not going anywhere; his face is inches away, his eyes boring directly into mine. “Robert Sugden doesn’t fuck men, you got it? Football is no place for gays; he’s straight.” His hand moves to grab a fistful of my hair, forcing my head back as he leers over me, “Say it.” I refuse to say anything, “Say it. Robert Sugden is straight and you’re just a sick prostitute out whoring after a quick moment of fame.” I stay silent making him angry, “I said say it.”

“No.”

“Robert Sugden has only ever been with women, you messed with his head, he’s straight and you forced him. I mean people will think it's normal if a murdering gayboy thinks he can turn the best player in the country gay with his deviant ways. We can't let that happen, people look up-to him, that's just not the right example to be setting for the nation. Say Robert Sugden is straight and there's no way he would ever be with someone like you.”

“No.”

“Is that how you got him to do that to you, did you threaten to kill him if he didn’t do what you wanted? I mean you’re a murderer right; you going to kill him too?”

I look at him in horror, “No, let me go. Is that what you want, to kill me? Then get on with it.”

“That would be too easy don't you think? No we're not going to kill you; you're the warning to the others like you. You're going to pay for bringing shame to the beautiful game, for trying to turn the England captain into something he’s not; infecting him with your sick urges. What I want is for you to stay away from Robert Sugden.”

“I love him and he loves me, so deal with it and go fuck yourself.”

.

“I don’t think you seem to understand; people like you need to be taught a lesson.”

“Fuck you.”

“Disgusting dirty gayboy; you’re revolting, let’s see if we can’t make you understand. First though we should have a go at getting you halfway clean, I mean god knows where you’ve been.” I try and pull away but there’s no escape as his mate turns the power hose on me. He’s stood close enough when he switches it on that the force of the water knocks me back as far as the rope will let me. He moves the jet up and down; I have no-where to go as the jet follows me as I desperately try to avoid it. He directs the water on my face, at one point almost too long so I can’t breathe. He switches it off to let me recover and I relax only for him to turn it immediately back on; the water is hitting me so hard that I won't be surprised if it's bruising my body. The water switches off again and I’m on my knees, bent over coughing for all I’m worth, but there’s no respite. “No, no, that’s just not going to do the job, we need something more.”

The one sat on the railings jumps down to help him and their hands are all over me; I see the knife which scares the shit out of me as they rip my overalls off, slashing the fabric away with it where it won’t come off any other way until they've removed all my clothes and my boots. They stand back and I get a blast with the jet hose again but when it switches off, he comes for me, a cruel smile showing through the mouth-opening of the balaclava. He had been to get the bucket and scouring brush that I was using earlier and he starts scrubbing all over my body with it. His mate holds me in place as he wants me so he can scrub, dunking the brush every now and again into the cold dirty water until he has scrubbed me everywhere. The bristles of the brush, although old, are turning parts of my skin red; sometimes leaving trailing scratch marks. When he switches the jet back on for a final time I hardly move except from the sheer force of the water blasting me; my arms still tied by the rope to the railings are all that is holding me up off the floor. When he finally switches off the water my limp body is collapsed, my arms almost feeling like they will dislocate as I hang down exhausted on the floor in a pool of water mixed with mud and straw.

.

“I suppose that will have to do for now. Look at me when I talk to you.” I lift myself up, struggling to get back onto my knees and raise my head. My naked body on display for them all is trembling with the cold. "Well little lamb. I think it’s time the lesson began. We’re going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget, no-one will want you by the time we’ve done with you. My lambing one-o-one isn’t so good, but you always see the cute little pictures of them being fed milk, makes your heart go all warm and fuzzy; mother nature at her best caring for the young. We’ll take care of you, don’t worry. Gay whores like you enjoy sucking cock, hmm? You want to suck our cocks and taste some quality milk, let’s see if you’re any good at it. Any time you go to kiss someone or suck them, because that’s the sick little lamb you are and can't help yourself, then all you will remember is the taste from today and your punishment for enjoying it so much." He looks around at his friends, "Who wants his mouth first?” He’s stood behind me forcing my head back and my jaw open with his hand; he just laughs at me as I struggle to try and break free.

I manage to shake free of his hands and stand up, “I thought I’m dirty, why would you want to get your cock sucked by someone as disgusting as me or do you think you’ll enjoy it?”

“Well a mouth is just a mouth; I can close my eyes and think of England and you must have certain skills if Sugden lets you near him. Though you do have a point; let’s clean your mouth out first though ey.” I shrink back away from him as he takes the scouring brush out from the bucket, muffling my scream as he shoves it into my mouth, at the same time forcing me back onto my knees. I can hear him talking to the others but my attention is consumed by the brush being rammed in and out of my mouth. As soon as he pulls it out the first one of them drives himself into my mouth his hands grabbing onto my head, forcing me to take him without coming up for air. It’s taking all my effort and concentration as I fight to breathe; I’m gagging to the point of almost being sick as he comes in my mouth. There’s no stopping, they are enjoying themselves now, the scouring brush was too big to be effective, but he had found the old washing-up brush that was also in the bucket so he uses this instead to clean out my mouth. This repeats until the only one left is the guy who was leaning over the railings from the other pen when I first came round.

He’s the quietest out of the lot of them but just at this moment he’s scaring me the most. I have blood running down my face from a gash above my eye where I got hit with the scouring brush for trying to avoid taking one of them. He squeezes a cloth with water over my face gently stroking my face and I realise it’s quiet; all the others have gone outside. He’s different somehow; he’s stood in front of me stroking himself but he’s not touching me. I can sense he likes the control the same but I think he wants it as much in a sexual way. This is the first time that the constant battering on my body and senses has slowed down and for the first time tears start to trickle down my face. “Take it.” I refuse, shaking my head. He says it again whilst stroking his hand though my hair forcing my head nearer to his cock, “Take it; suck me like you would suck Robert Sugden.”

His voice turns more menacing, “If you want us to leave Robert Sugden alone, then show me why he’d let someone like you all over him. You think he’d survive something like this? Give me your mouth if you don’t want him to ever find out.” The others were brute force ramming themselves into me, but he’s enjoying himself. I take him and it’s clear he wants to savour it; I don’t think I’m the first guy to suck him off. “That’s it little lamb, just like that.” He’s stroking his hand through my hair, constantly talking to me, telling me when he likes it the most. It takes me quite a long time to get him off with just my mouth and despite the balaclava I know he’s smiling when he finally comes and it makes me feel sick listening to him, telling me to lick and suck every bit of his come. I’m crying when I’ve finished and he strokes his hand down my face, wiping away my tears and actually kisses my forehead, “Don’t cry little lamb, you’re mine now; you’ll never belong to anyone else ever again.“ He has a tattoo of The Three Lions on his lower abdomen which I focus on to shut out the sound of his voice still talking away as he pisses on me.

I’m snapped back to reality hearing the guy who I had thought is their leader. "We’re going to give you a new name little lamb, one you’ll never forget; but whilst we’re waiting, look what I found.”

The quiet one is still in front of me smiles sadistically, “Oh yes, perfect, just perfect.” He pulls his trousers up and zips himself back up.

“You want to do the honours?”

As I listen to them talk I realise there is a clear bond between these two, unlike with the others, “No, you do it; I want to watch his face.”

I manage to say something for the first time in a while, “You’re sick, all of you are fucking sick.”

“Hold steady little lamb, this won’t hurt a bit.” His hand is round my neck from behind in a half choke hold locking my head in place and the quiet one is in front of me watching my face closely. The man behind me starts to clip away my hair with the hand-shears. The eyes of the man in front of me never leave mine and he’s stroking my dick which thankfully doesn’t respond to his touch but he doesn’t seem to mind. His friend doesn’t seem to mind him doing it either which confuses me, like he knows the quiet one wants me sexually. Not having the knowledge on how to handle the shears properly he takes longer than it should prolonging my shame as my hair falls to the floor along with my tears whilst the other continues to play with me. I've long since stopped struggling; letting them hold me in place, hardly reacting each time he nicks my scalp, drawing blood. Mentally and physically I’m at my limit, I don't think I can take much more.

They assess their handiwork, “You think Robert Sugden will want you now little lamb?” The balance of power is shifting between them and it’s the quiet one who kicks me for not answering leaving me gasping for breath. He pushes my head back with his hand, “Answer me Aaron.” It’s the first time any of them have used my name and I don’t give him the satisfaction, instead I spit in his face. “Well well little lamb, not quite tamed just yet are you? You will be soon.” What scares me the most is the lack of a reaction or physical retaliation; he just smiles instead and both of them walk outside.

.

He comes back in, just the quiet one on his own at first. I can't see his face but the vibe I get from him is pure hatred for me and I can hear it in his voice, “New-born lambs get tagged right so it’s clear who they belong to? Well then it's only right and proper you're marked so you remember who you belong to. What number do you want? How about Sugden’s number? A nice little gift from me to you" I hear him shake an aerosol. It must be one of the spray paints we use for marking the lambs just after they are born until they are properly tagged. I feel him spraying onto my back, presumably Robert's number eight. “We found something a little more permanent though, we wouldn’t want you to ever forget the lesson. It’s amazing what you find lying around and well I couldn’t resist what with you already having a fire going. I'm going to give you a new name little lamb; you will wear it for the rest of your life. Sometimes the old ways were the best don’t you think? No-one will want you knowing what you are. Robert Sugden won’t want you, he probably won’t be able to look at you ever again; not that it matters though because you’re never going to see Robert Sugden ever again."

Two of the others come back in and he grins, "Call this the legacy from today’s lesson that you will carry with you for the rest of your grubby wretched little life." My eyes widen in horror when I see what he’s going to do and they all laugh as they watch me start to struggle. They cut the ropes from the railings and force me down onto the wet muddy ground. I’m trying to break free but I’m not strong enough; their hands hold me down so I am unable to escape. The quiet one puts his boot on the side of my face, pressing my face down into the ground; he's now clearly the one in control, “Let’s start at the beginning, C....., C for cocksucker.” I scream with pain as the branding iron is pressed onto my top left shoulder blade delivering a pure pain on a level I’ve never experienced before and I scream repeatedly. He forces me to look at him, lifting my upper body off the ground with his hands round my neck; I'm sobbing whilst he talks to me. “Apt don’t you think? Can you guess the rest of your new name little lamb?” We’d been burning all the rubbish earlier; the others must have been building the fire back up for this. I’d never taken any notice of the old branding stuff on the wall at the far end of the shed, though I knew they were there. It's the kind of stuff you notice and ignore; they probably haven’t been used for years but I seem to remember seeing a full set of numbers and letters, probably kept as a reminder of times past.

He releases me and I collapse back on the ground. He moves and straddles my lower back, sitting on me as the others hold my arms and legs down. I realise he is the one taking ownership of me; it is the others who are just along for the ride. I’m crying out 'no' over and over as his friend returns bringing him the next one, sobbing uncontrollably before it even touches me. This is hotter than the last one and he holds it on longer or that’s what it feels like. “U” He leans over me, his mouth close to my neck so I can feel his breath, "That’s it scream, no-one can hear you, scream for me cunt." My screaming eventually quietens into moans from the pain, my face streaky from the mud and my tears. Despite my distress he moves his face further round to look in my eyes and I can smell his breath, "Go near Robert Sugden again Aaron Livesy and we’ll do to him what we’ve done to you and then we’ll make him watch as I kill you. Do you understand?” I can’t hardly breathe never mind speak, “Say you understand?”

I'm slowly going into shock and am struggling to focus, everything going blurry as he repeats the question harshly, “Do you understand?”

I somehow manage to answer, “Yes.” 

"There's a good little lamb." His hand moves to my head and holds it down as he presses the third letter into my back. His hand continues applying pressure forcing my head to stay down as I yell out in agony. The trauma of the pain is causing my entire body to shake but the hands holding my arms and legs down never let go. I can smell the stench of my burning skin as he brands the last letter “T” onto my right shoulder blade. The smell of his breath in my face again is the last thing I remember before I black out, the continued shock to my system had been finally too much.

TBC


	36. Let It Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert finds it hard to handle what Aaron has told him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there was some discussion on the last chapter about whether Aaron was raped. I have to admit I hadn’t checked the law and thought if it is in the mouth it fell under serious sexual assault. I was wrong. Definitions in UK law today are:  
> Rape: A person commits rape if they intentionally penetrate the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with their penis without consent.  
> Sexual assault: A person commits sexual assault if they intentionally touch another person, the touching is sexual and the person does not consent.  
> Serious sexual assault: Assault by penetration - a person commits assault by penetration if they intentionally penetrate the vagina or anus of another person with a part of the body or anything else, without their consent.
> 
> To be honest when I wrote the earlier chapters I knew, having decided very early in the story, that he would suffer verbal humiliation, shearing of his hair and the branding; these were the things so bad to make him leave. (I surprise myself how twisted my mind gets now saying this next bit) I only actually added the scouring brush, hose and cock sucking when I started writing the chapter properly last week. That said I still thought it fell under serious sexual assault and not rape so I'm writing it into the story that Aaron (like me) understands it was rape.
> 
> This also means however, that in Black White and Blue I have had to tweak the charge/conviction for Chrissie to Serious Sexual Assault where I had called it rape. Due to the wording of the law today, technically a woman cannot rape a man which I completely disagree with.
> 
> Apologies for not checking my facts better in advance….

Robert, Sunday 1st January

Aaron uses his coat sleeve to wipe away the river of tears that refuse to stop running down his face, “They’d gone when I came to.” He is sitting against the metal railings, half-way down the side of the pen, fiddling with some straw in his fingers and is now quiet for the first time since he started talking. The stillness is resounding as I sit against the end wall of the pen not knowing what to say or do, my own silent tears streaming down my face as I try willing the feeling of nausea to go away.

I look across at him, “I don’t understand. As far as I know, they never talked about finding any evidence in here when the police came. I don’t even think they had looked in here.”

“I got rid of it. I cleaned it all up and laid fresh straw.”

My jaw tightens at hearing this, "Why would you do that?”

“I didn’t want anyone to know.” He glances over at me, before concentrating back on the straw in his hands, “Then I went inside, put my own clothes on and tried to sort myself out; my head was a mess so I shaved it properly with Adam’s razor. I’d just finished when he walked in and found me; that’s why he thought I’d been the one to shave it off myself. I couldn’t hide the bruises on my face and neck. He wanted to know what had happened so I told him that some guys had come to the farm on the off-chance, looking to give me some hassle and roughed me up a bit in the farmyard to scare me away from you.”

I scoff almost incredulously; failing to see how Aaron could have looked even remotely close to okay after going through something so traumatic, “He believed you?”

Aaron shrugged and got up, “I can be quite a convincing liar when I’ve a mind to want.” He walks outside, leaving me sat alone. I don’t know how to make sense of everything. I understand better why Aaron left, but I can’t get my head around that someone would do that or what it must have taken for Aaron to survive it. I get up and go outside, finding Aaron stood leaning on the gate into the fields, smoking a cigarette and staring out into the distance. I go and stand at his side, my hand reaching out to his shoulder but he shies away and I reluctantly let my hand drop.

.

Aaron looks at me, “I know what you’re thinking; that you want to find them so they can get done for assault or whatever.”

“Yes I want to find them. I want to make them pay for what they did and not just for assault." I look up taking a deep breath, "You realise that even in the mouth....., oh god....., that that’s....., just because they didn’t....., Aaron what they did, it’s not just assault, it’s rape, you do know that right?” Aaron takes a deep drag on the cigarette. "And the brand, that's not just a like a beating, it's torture." He's acting as though he hasn’t heard me as he stares directly ahead, his gaze unwavering; he doesn’t acknowledge what I’d said one way or another.

“They said that I belonged to them and that you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

“Is that what you think? That I don’t want you?”

“I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to be a victim; I don’t want to be afraid.” Aaron glances at me, his body language guarded and anxious, “It doesn’t matter if it’s assault, rape.....; it doesn’t matter what you call it, it doesn’t change what happened and it doesn’t make it go away in my head. Why would you even want to be with someone who’s been....., damaged like that?”

My heart is breaking in so many ways hearing him talk like this, like he feels contaminated. “Aaron, I love you; I will always love you. This doesn’t change how I feel about you or stop me wanting to be together with you.”

“It can’t ever be like it was before. What if I can’t be with you....., properly?"

"I don’t know any more than you do Aaron; we’ll find a way to make it work. We just need to take things slow. I mean you wanted me to....., you know earlier.”

“What if I can’t again or don’t want to; it already feels different now that you know? What if I’m too ashamed to let you see all of me?”

“You don’t have anything to be ashamed about Aaron; it wasn't your fault. You have to believe me, this doesn’t change how I see you.”

“You can’t say that, you haven’t seen it.....; how ugly it makes me. I don't want you to stay with me out of pity.” Aaron shifts abruptly, taking a last drag on the cigarette and stubbing the butt out on the top bar of the metal gate. “I want to go home.” He walks away towards the car and I follow him. Peter and Billy are respectfully quiet as we get in the car; it remains silent the entire journey. Aaron is sat at his side of the car, his elbow resting by the window, staring out the whole way there and me, sat at my side staring doggedly at the headrest in front of me, trying and failing not to see pictures in my head of what they did to him. When we pull up outside the house Aaron gets out immediately and goes as quickly as possible inside. I stay in the car, feeling shell-shocked as the barbarity of what he went through is starting to sink in.

Billy has followed Aaron into the house, but Peter has remained in the car with me. I see his eyes watching me carefully through the rear view mirror. “I don’t how to do this Peter. I don’t even know how to begin to do this.” I lean forward with my head against the seat in front but have to make a quick exit out of the car to throw up against the garage wall. A second wave hits and I’m coughing as I wipe away the last of my spit. Peter passes me a bottle of water which I accept and drink down almost half in one go. I lean back against the garage door feeling numb as I stare blankly up at the house windows wondering where Aaron is. Peter waits patiently, maybe expecting me to say more, but I don’t want to talk about it.

Pushing myself off the garage door, I go into the house; I find Aaron upstairs curled up on the bed and I lie behind him, wrapping myself around him. I half expected him to push me off, but he doesn’t, "I won’t ever pity you Aaron. I love you and you’re the bravest person I’ve ever known.” Aaron holds my hand and we lie quietly together.

.

It’s dark, both outside and in the bedroom. I’m sitting in the bedside chair with my feet up watching Aaron sleep, his chest moving slightly up and down with the steady rhythm of his breathing. I was too restless before and I was worried I would wake him with all my wriggling, but I couldn’t bear to leave him on his own either.

I’ve been sat like this hardly moving for a good couple of hours. The shock of what Aaron told me is beginning to wear off and is being replaced by anger. I hear a car door outside and go to look out of the window; Billy is moving the car into the garage.

I look back at Aaron and draw the curtains before going out, pulling the bedroom door to quietly, leaving him to sleep in peace. I go downstairs, avoiding Billy as he comes back into the house and without making a noise, I sneak out.

.

The early evening air is cold and it’s starting to freeze. It is pitch black as I make my way over the fields towards Butlers. I want to go back and see for myself again; to be in the space where some fuckers tried their best to destroy Aaron’s life.

When I get to the farm, I climb over the gate into the yard and walk towards the shed where we had been earlier in the day. I can see lights on in the kitchen, so I assume they are in, but I don’t alert anyone that I’m here. Instead I go into the shed, closing the doors behind me first, before putting the light on so as to avoid anyone seeing.

It’s quiet and very still as I walk around a little, Aaron’s words and descriptions from earlier fill my head. The power hose is on the wall, there’s no straw anywhere much except for some bales stacked up at the far end and the long workbench in the corner. I walk over, seeing on the wall in front of me the letters and numbers that attach to the long handle that makes up the branding iron. I don’t know how old they are, but probably they have been here for decades; just looking at them makes me feel sick. I force myself to turn away and go back to the pen where we had sat as Aaron told me what had happened; this is where he said they held him. I look around me, before kneeling down in the middle as he’d described to me, holding my arms out to the side. Closing my eyes, I try to imagine what it might have felt like, how scared he must have been. I can’t hold back a couple of tears falling, but I push the rest away as I bring my arms down to my side and lie down on my front resting my head to the side on the floor, stretching my arms out in front of me. I can hear the words they had spoken to him; the threats, their sick laughter as they tried to humiliate and break him.

I don’t know how long I was laid like this, but for quite a while, only moving after I’d started shivering with the cold. I get up and look around, my anger building once more and I go out of the shed to I find what I need. Returning to the shed, I move some of the hay bales so they are scattered around more evenly. I then start to throw around the gas oil from the canisters I’d found in the tractor shed, splashing it on as much flammable stuff as I can, emptying the liquid over the bales of hay, the floor, walls and door. Turning the light off and pulling the matches I’d picked up out from my pocket, I walk outside, light it and throw it back in. I stand completely still watching the flames move quickly throughout the building; it doesn’t take long for the flames to take hold.

I hear Cain and Moira, running towards me, “What the hell are you doing Robert? Don't just stand there, we need to put it out.” I stare at the flames feeling absolutely nothing. There is no point calling the fire brigade, the fire will be too far gone to save anything by the time they get here. They would only be able to stand and watch it burn it-self out.

Moira pulls out her phone to call the Fire Service. Cain sees the matches in my hand and launches himself at me in fit of rage realising I am the one to have started it. Moira tries pull Cain off me whilst I let him vent all his anger, yelling at me. I look at Moira, “I’ll pay for a new one, state of the art, whatever you want.” I turn my gaze to Cain, who is gripping onto me, shaking me, trying to get some sense out of me. I look at him, my eyes completely dead, “You need to let it burn Cain. He told me....., he told me this is where it happened....., this is where they hurt him; they broke him Cain, they broke him because he was with me. How do I live with that?” I collapse numbly into his arms as he starts to comprehend what I’ve said and I feel his grip relax. I’m half on the ground and half held up by Cain as he drags me, together with Moira, to the far side of the yard. They stare helplessly up at the blazing shed as the roof collapses, the building now fully engulfed in flames.

.

Aaron, Sunday 1st January

Robert must have got out of bed for some reason because he’s no longer beside me, so after coming down into the kitchen to put the kettle on, I go wandering to see if I can find him. The house is eerily quiet, “Robert....., where are you?” The games room is empty, in fact the house seems empty; I don’t even find Billy or Peter which makes me feel panicked as I go back into the kitchen to find my phone. Hearing the door open I shrink back against the wall fearing the worst, but am shocked to see Peter and Billy carrying Robert between them.

A panic of a different kind sweeps through me as I rush across, following them upstairs, “What happened?”

Robert looks completely out of it, his face blank, not reacting to any of the instructions Peter is giving him as we go to his bathroom. "Billy go sort the car out. Aaron help me get him into the shower."

I put myself between Robert and Peter and am practically holding Robert up whilst Peter reaches to turn the water on. I'm confused by the smell of smoke on him, his visible skin and hair full of black soot, “Robert what did you do?”

I look across to Peter who pushes Robert into the shower, “Robert you need to get out of these clothes so we can wash them.”

My gaze switches between Robert and Peter as I try to work out what’s happened, “What the hell’s going on?”

Robert is still ignoring the instructions from Peter, it’s like he didn’t even hear him “Aaron you need to get him showered, can you do that?” Robert suddenly pulls away from us, sliding down the tiled wall of the shower until he’s crouched, huddling in the corner; he looks lost in his own world and even with the water from the shower, I can see the tears streaming down his face.

“Cain called us to come get him out before the fire brigade turned up. It’s lucky we’re miles from the nearest fire station; we managed to get to him before they or the police got there.”

I need a better explanation than that and I grab Peter's arm to get his full attention, “Peter what did he do?”

“He set fire to the shed where you were earlier up at Butlers.”

.

I look down at Robert and back to Peter. “Aaron we need to get him out of those clothes and washed in case the police come round knocking."

I’m crouching down in the shower, still fully clothed; Robert has started shaking despite the warm water of the shower. I look back up at Peter, "You don’t think they will though right? There’s no reason they would ever suspect him.”

“Maybe, who knows if anyone saw him; we can’t risk it. Can I leave you with him? I need to sort out the rest to make sure there is no trace we were ever at the farm.”

I nod and Peter leaves the bathroom. Robert grabs hold of me, his eyes are like I’ve never seen before; “I’m sorry Aaron, I’m so sorry.”

He repeats this over and over and I pull him into my arms, rocking him gently. “Shhh, Robert, it’s going to be okay. I promise; we’ll be okay.” I sit leaning against the tiled shower wall, holding him to me as he weeps. I'm aware of the passing time, “Robert, you need to help me, you need to get undressed and showered so we can get you into some clean dry jamas or something....., please Robert.” I start to pull Robert up, struggling to get him to stand as he’s clinging onto me and not being very helpful. Once I get him stood up, I encourage him to help me strip him out of his clothes. It’s like battling with a gangly child, all arms and legs as I finally get him naked and start to wash his hair. He just stands there, staring at the mucky water swirling down the shower drain, letting me wash his body. There’s nothing at all sexual about what we are doing, I just gently wash him everywhere with the sponge until he is clean.

Switching off the shower, I get him out and towel him dry before pulling him into the bedroom to dress him in some jamas I find in the drawer. I go put all his wet clothes in the laundry basket and put it outside the bedroom door for Peter to fetch. Robert is sat motionless on the edge of the bed; I’m still soaking wet so I take off my boots and socks, throwing them into the bathroom and pull my wet jeans off, putting them together with Robert’s stuff in the basket.

.

“Come on, lie down.” I coax Robert to get into bed and under the duvet, “You want a drink or anything?” He curls up in a ball, without answering; it’s as though he hasn’t even heard the question.

Peter puts his head round the door, sees we’re okay and motions that he’s taking the laundry basket down with him and closes the door, leaving us on our own again. I look back to Robert, unsure quite what to do. I’ve never seen him like this before. I sit on the edge of the bed, lean over and kiss his forehead, then start to get up intending going to get some dry clothes for myself when I hear Robert speak, “You won’t leave me again will you?”

Taken aback by the question, I look at Robert. His expression is that of a scared boy and I sit down, letting my hand run through his damp hair, “No. I won’t leave you.”

“Promise?”

“I promise, I’m not going anywhere. I need to go get changed okay?”

I start to get up once more, “Don’t go, don’t leave me.” Robert grabs onto my hand, his eyes pleading with me to stay, his tears welling once more and I don’t know what to do.

Making my decsion quickly I lean over to kiss him; I then turn out the light and strip off the rest of my wet clothes before climbing into bed beside him. I lie on my back and he curls up lying half on top of me. I have to lift him a little so I can put my arm round under him and we lie together, each taking a quiet comfort from the other being there and eventually drift to sleep in each others arms.

TBC


	37. Out Of Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert needs Aaron's help after losing it during a game and is sent off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't checked how the police would normally intervene on this and I've written it how I want it to play out, so just go with the flow and ignore whether true to real life or not.

Robert, Monday 2nd January

Working at the farm before going to training these last few months means I tend to naturally wake around five. We've hardly moved during the night and I wake lying half over Aaron; his comforting arms still wrapped around me as they have been throughout the night. Without disturbing him I disentangle myself and go downstairs, then the same as every Monday morning I head up-to Butlers.

Walking from the car, I can just about see the remains of what’s left of the shed in the dark, but the smell of burning and charred debris is everywhere. Moira and Cain are sitting at the kitchen table having some tea; they both look tired. I nod when Moira offers to pour me a mug and sit down with them.

Cain looks across at me; I wouldn’t exactly say he's angry, but not necessarily welcoming either, “You could have warned us Robert.”

“You’d have tried to stop me.” Moira pushes a mug of strong tea in my direction, “You know, I didn't plan it; I’ll pay for everything so you don’t need to claim on the insurance or anything, whatever you want. It doesn’t matter how much it costs.”

Moira's tone is heavy with sarcasm, "You want to build me a whole new farm whilst you’re at it?”

Shrugging, I give her a look that tells her I'm serious, “If that’s what you want.”

Cain is studying me with a solemn expression, “Are you going to tell us?”

I shake my head, “No, it's not my place. He'll tell you himself if he ever wants you to know.”

“Is he okay?”

“Getting there; what did the police say?”

“Probably just kids; there was a spate of fires just before Christmas so they are putting two and two together. Far be it from me to tell them they got their sums wrong. The Fire Investigator still needs to do a report, but it shouldn't tell us anything we don't know."

“Thanks." I take a drink of my tea and then sit playing with the mug in front of me until I turn my head to talk to Moira, “I can’t work up here anymore. I know that might leave you short-handed, so if I need to pay for a farm hand or whatever, just say." Even thinking about the farm makes me feel sick, "I can’t be here, knowing what I know; I'm sorry.” I feel sick now and I get up, scraping my chair back, suddenly desperate to leave, “Just send me the quote for whatever you want and I’ll transfer you the money.”

I walk to the door without saying another word, bumping into Andy on his way in, “You not stopping?” I just keep walking without looking back, Andy shouting after me, “Robert.....?”

Leaving the farm I drive to the training ground; it's early but there should be someone there already to let me in. I need to focus on something, anything to take my mind off the farm and what Aaron told me.

.

United Home Game, Tuesday Evening, 3rd January

Match commentator 1:”What a wonderful goal, though we expect nothing less from Tom Shacklock.”

Match commentator 2: “Robert Sugden delivering to Shacklock from deep mid-field, straight through the middle for him to run onto; he took the defence completely by surprise with a lovely little dummy wrong-footing the goalkeeper. United have their first goal of the evening; a good time to take the lead, just minutes to go to the half time whistle.”

Match commentator 1: “I have to say, it’s been a strange old first half; exceptionally niggly. United have not settled at all, especially Sugden. Usually he's the one you rely on to help keep things in check, but this evening he’s reacted to every little thing, giving everyone a hard time including his own team.”

Match commentator 2: “Absolutely, it is a rare occurrence to see Tom Shacklock as the one calming his captain down instead of the other way around. It’s been a heavy schedule this last month; United are comfortably clear at the top of the table so it will be interesting to see if Sugden comes back out for the second half. No-one would knock Taylor for deciding to give his captain a well-deserved rest; he's been on top form all season pretty much.”

Match commentator 1: “The whistle blows for yet another free kick, this time on the edge of the box and Sugden comes across to take it. Let’s see if he can repeat his effort from Saturday to give United a precious second goal before the break which would really set them up nicely for the second half.”

Match commentator 2: “Oh and that’s just silly, a waste of time and energy. What is it about some players, who knowing full well they've committed a foul then kick the ball away in such a juvenile fashion instead of just accepting the mistake and getting on with it. Sugden now having to wait for the ball to be returned to take the free kick.”

Match commentator 1: “Sugden looks very unhappy, there seems to be a heated exchange of words with the defender Collins. Oh my word, Robert Sugden has just caught Collins square on with his fist and has launched himself at the defender. Players from both sides are now joining the fray, trying to pull the two players apart. I have never seen Sugden so incensed and out of control.”

Match commentator 2: “Well Sugden won’t be taking the free kick now, that's for sure. There’s no way he’ll be staying on the pitch and he still won’t calm down; it’s taking three of the United players to pull him away as he tries to go back for more.”

Match commentator 1: “Taylor is on the edge of the dugout, looking angry and disappointed with his captain as he watches Shacklock and his team mates trying to get Sugden to settle down and walk away. As expected the referee is now showing Sugden the red card; it was never in doubt it was coming.”

Match commentator 2: “Collins who started this whole incident off by kicking the ball away is currently receiving medical attention, he will also most probably get a booking. Well, whatever he said he clearly wasn’t expecting the reaction he got and neither did anyone else in the stadium. That was like nothing I have ever seen from the United and England captain, who is being practically marched off by his team mates.”

Match commentator 1: “Finally Sugden leaves the pitch and disappears down the tunnel. I certainly wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of Taylor’s reaction to such an outburst.”

Match commentator 2: “Collins also looks set to leave the pitch, his substitute is now preparing to come on and replace him. The referee shows him the yellow card confirming his booking as he leaves the pitch accompanied by the physio. The crowd and players are slowly settling back down as Shacklock, in the absence of Sugden, steps up to take the free kick.”

Match commentator 1: “Disappointing effort with an easy collect by the goalkeeper. Though I have to say Shacklock along with most of the players are all looking a little shell-shocked from such an explosive ending to the first half. It remains unclear just what specifically sparked the incident, but Sugden will likely face a charge of violent conduct from the F.A..”

Match commentator 2: “The fourth official is now indicating six minutes of time added on."

Match commentator 1: "I see Taylor is already going down the tunnel not waiting for the half-time whistle. Presumably he will be looking to get to the bottom of just what exactly kicked off such an angry attack, so out of character for his normally calm and collected captain.”

.

Aaron, Tuesday Evening, 3rd January

It’s the first game I’ve been to properly since the match when I came back at the end of November. Robert is still trying to come to terms with everything and I want to be there for him like he's been there for me. He was a little quiet yesterday and withdrawn but I didn’t think that was unusual considering. He's moved back into our bedroom permanently and we were physically close all night. We haven't talked too much still, this is going to take time for both of us but he told me he won't be working at the farm any more. This morning he left again before I woke up, not coming home between training and the game saying there wasn't time and he had stuff to do, but we chatted. I told him I’d be coming to watch and although he didn’t say it, I could tell he was quietly pleased.

Coming to the game, I was not prepared for his strange mood on the pitch and definitely not expecting to witness what I’ve just seen; the exact opposite of the Robert from home. I can feel the stares of people sitting around me, looking at me as though I should know why he kicked off like that; maybe even blaming me, who knows. I don’t know if they can see it in my face, but I’m as stunned as everyone else and I stick close with Lucy as we head in at half time after the whistle blows. I keep my head down fetching us both a tea and she asks me if I’m alright. “I’m not sure I’m the one you should be asking.” I look at her and then glance around us; Robert’s attack on the defender is all anyone is talking about.

She’s just about to say something when we see Martin coming in our direction; people look on curiously because he would never come in here normally until after the game. He talks quietly in my ear and I can hear the sense of urgency in his voice, “Aaron, you need to come. You need to come right now.”

Going by the look on his face something is seriously wrong and before I can say anything, he starts guiding me out of the room. He's walking fast, weaving past everyone; down the steps, through several doors and on a long corridor, "Martin, what's going on?

He looks at me as we slow down, nearing the area of the dressing rooms. "You need to talk to him." I’ve never been down here. I can smell a mix of earthiness and liniment as I follow him through and see the entire United team in what looks like a general area outside the team dressing rooms and the officials area; some of them are standing and some sitting. I can feel everyone watching me, their expressions quite hard to make out, a mix of concern and confusion; what scares me though is seeing police and paramedics together with Peter. Tom appears to be talking to Robert through the home dressing room door. The away team dressing room door is closed and also where the officials are. The atmosphere is unbelievably tense and it’s unnervingly quiet.

We join the group stood in the middle of the room; they stop me from going any further and I’m now feeling really scared, “Will somebody tell me what’s going on?”

.

The police sergeant signals to Martin he's okay to be the one to tell me, "Robert won't open the door. He kicked Joey out, the young lad that was finishing off getting things ready for half time. He says he tried to stop him but Robert thumped him and threw him out.” My eyes widen at this, because Robert doesn’t do physical violence like this; he just doesn’t. “We think he’s sat behind the door but it's hard to tell because he won’t talk to us. It sounded like he pretty much went to town, smashing and breaking everything he could get his hands on, the mirrors and god knows what else.” I can feel the gaze of everybody in the room on me as though I’ve got a magic answer as Martin continues, “Aaron I don’t know what’s going on in that head of his. I know he’s been in an odd mood since yesterday but never did I ever think I would see him like tonight; something must have happened, something has changed since Saturday. He was fine on Saturday, grumpy with you for being in Scotland I might add, but he was okay. Even after you left I never worried he would hurt himself, but tonight I’m not so sure.”

The police sergeant to my left speaks, “This is the only way in and we don’t want to have to break down the door or force our way in if we don’t have to, but he's completely unresponsive. If there's a chance he's hurt himself then we need to get through to him sooner rather than later. Mr Taylor thinks he'll listen to you. Try talking to him and see if you can get him to come out of his own accord.”

Martin is clearly very worried, “We've tried everything, he won't talk to us. What's going on Aaron? There has to be a reason he’s flipped like this.”

I feel really uncomfortable being the centre of attention and pace a little, agitated and wishing there aren't quite so many people in here. I stand still and look at them, “Just let me talk to him, on my own. I don’t know the reason any more than you.”

Frustration getting the better of him, Martin grabs my arm “Come on Aaron, there must be something to trigger that kind of anger.” 

I pull quickly back from him, my reaction automatic at being touched in this way and a wave of fear crosses my face. Peter quietly intervenes, moving me away from Martin's reach, his body protectively shielding me. Peter is facing me, his eyes searching mine, "Are you okay?"

"Yes." I look over at Martin who is visibly apologetic after seeing my reaction, "You need to stop badgering me Martin, just stop alright."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to but this is Robert; he wouldn't do anything like this unless something really serious is affecting him."

I hold onto Peter's arm for support, take a deep breath and look up at the ceiling a minute before turning my gaze back to Martin, “I told him.” The silence hangs in the room, “I told him why I left.”

Martin takes a moment to absorb this, “When, when did you tell him and how was he?”

“Sunday, but I don’t see him doing this because of what I told him. It wasn't easy but it's good between us. I want to know what their defender said to him; it looked to me that’s what set him off. What did he say to him? Robert’s not violent, not ever." I let go of Peter, but he stays close to me.

"He trashed the games room. Did he tell you that? Vic, Adam and Andy found him the morning after. He was devastated when you left Aaron, it ripped his world apart. You think finding out what drove you away would be any different?"

I snap back, "That's not the same as hitting a person and don't lecture me on how hard it was. You have no fucking clue.”

The police sergeant interrupts, “This isn't helping. There are officers talking with Mr Collins and his manager now. In the meantime let's focus on trying to get Mr Sugden to come out.”

I look at him, "I'll talk to him, but you need to give me space; I can't talk to him properly with all this lot here.”

Martin looks at the clock and then to his staff, “They can go out early, get the others out as well or they can all wait in the tunnel; whatever.”

I wait and watch them all leave. Tom doesn’t want to go, but Martin makes him, closing the door after them. It’s now just me with Peter, Martin, two policemen and two paramedics. I look at them, but it’s clear that they aren’t going anywhere and I take a deep breath, “Stay here, he might not talk to me if he thinks you are all close by.”

.

I go and knock on the dressing room door, “Robert? Robert it’s me.” I laugh a little, shaking my head, thinking this is so weird; I didn’t think our life could get any weirder. I rub my hands over my face and rest my forehead against the door, “Not quite what I was expecting from the first match I come to watch; you didn’t warn me I’d be coming to a fight.”

There’s no answer, I get a look from the police sergeant that says maybe this approach isn’t the best, but I ignore it; they don’t know the first thing about our relationship. I sit down on the floor, sideways on to the door, wrapping my arms around my knees, pulling them close into me and leaning my head against the door. “Talk to me Robert.” I think I can hear him shifting, but he doesn’t say anything. “Is this because of what I told you? I know we have a lot to work out but I thought we were okay and you were handling it; we were handling it?”

Still nothing; as much as I don't want it to be the case, I know there must be a connection with what I told him Sunday to trigger something like this in him. This isn't ideally how I wanted us to start talking about it, but I probably don't have a choice. “Do you wish I’d not told you?”

The relief in the room is palpable and I lift my head at hearing him talk for the first time, “No....., yes. I wish you'd not told me.”

He sounds calm which is a good sign, “I had to....., you know I had to. Now I'm at home for good I couldn't hide something like this from you forever; not if we're going to stay together.”

“I know.” There’s a pause and I wait to see if he continues, “I wish it never happened.”

“But it did Robert and you have to let it go.”

He's crying or close to crying, his voice cracking just a little, “I can’t. I don’t know how.”

“I love you and I need you. I can’t do this without you, you know that right?”

“There’s nothing you’ve not told me is there?”

“No. I told you everything.”

There's a slight pause, “I don’t think I could cope with any more. I don’t know how you do it every day.”

“I told you Robert, I don’t want your pity.”

“It’s not. I’m not as strong as you. I thought I was but I’m not.”

I look over at the others a little concerned, I know they can hear every word, “You’re not going to do anything stupid are you?”

“What....., like now?”

I laugh, “Among other things.” I try to imagine what he’s thinking about and my mind goes back to what Martin had said about the smashed mirror, “You’re not hurt are you?”

“No.”

I hesitate, “You’re not thinking of hurting yourself are you?”

“Like you do you mean?” He's quiet a moment, "Sorry."

I smile a little, I know he didn’t mean anything by it and he's just really struggling with everything the same as me. It goes quiet a minute between us and a thought pops into my head, “Why do you think they didn’t come looking or do anything?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you told the world pretty much that you love me and that you’re bi in the magazine interview, but they still didn’t do anything.....; I was gone but you weren't and other players came out yet nothing happened with them as far as we know. It doesn’t make sense from how they were with me and what they said they'd do.”

“I don’t know Aaron. Maybe it was too many or too risky.”

He sounds tired, “Let me in Robert. You know you can’t stay in there forever.”

“I suppose I’m in trouble with the police and the boss?”

“Makes a change from it being me; I always wondered what it would be like seeing you in handcuffs.”

“Funny.”

“Open the door Robert, it’ll be okay. I'm not going anywhere, not tonight or ever; we will get through this I promise.”

I can hear a big sigh and movement; finally the latch unlocks and Robert opens the door leaving it slightly ajar. He doesn’t come out, but I push it open. I’m shocked at just how much destruction he’s managed to cause. United might need it to be fitted out with a completely new set up, because there’s not much left of this one. I pick my way through the mess and shattered mirror all over the floor and go to sit next to him on one of the few sections of bench where it is still possible to sit.

I look across at him and smile until I'm distracted by seeing the two paramedics and police come in followed by Martin together with Peter who are all just as shocked at what he’s managed to destroy.

Robert looks at the paramedics, “I’m fine; you don’t need to check me over, nothing that can’t wait anyway.” He shows me his hand, his knuckles are all bruised and the skin broken, “Nothings broken but it hurts a bit.” The paramedics look unsure. Robert tips his head towards the police officers, "They’ll call you back if they think I need something looking at and I'm sure they'll get me checked out at the police station anyway." They seem to accept this and leave.

.

It’s the turn of the police now and this won't be so easy. “Mr Sugden, you know we are going to have to ask you some questions about this incident and earlier on the pitch. You understand the seriousness of your actions?” Robert nods. "I appreciate you might be going through a difficult time but we are going to have to take you down to the station for formal questioning but we'll give you chance to get changed and cleaned up first.”

I look at Robert, “What did he say to you on the pitch to make you kick off like that?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does. I know you; you would never attack someone like that. I'm the hot-headed one, it’s not what you do remember?”

Robert is looking directly at me, “I just lost it.”

He wants me to drop it, but I'm not prepared to leave it until I find out, “I know that, what I want to know is why.”

“He was mouthing off, trying to wind me up. He used you to try and wind me up.”

“How?” I see a tear fall down Robert’s cheek and I turn to look at him properly, “What did he say?”

"Just leave it Aaron."

"No, Tell me. I'll find out one way or another so just tell me."

Robert stares at me, silent knowing how stubborn I can be and he caves, “He said I should go running to my cunt of a boyfriend.”

I sit stunned for a moment and look over at the police. I know that’s justification, but not enough of one to get him off two charges of assault, especially one being in full view of the public. I look over to the police sergeant, “You’re going to charge him with assault right?”

“I can’t confirm anything except he'll be arrested and cautioned until we’ve conducted formal interviews and taken witness statements.”

I don’t want Robert to have to face being charged and have a record because of this. "Is there no way we can’t keep this out of court? We’ve been through enough.”

“I understand that, but just the fact he used such language isn’t sufficient reason. You know both incidents would be prosecuted if they happened on the street.”

“What if I give you a reason?”

Robert pulls away from me, stands up and walks towards the two police officers, “No....., just arrest me and you can do your interviews at the police station. I just want to get this over with.”

I stand up and walk over to him, turning him towards me and I put my hands on his face, brushing a stray tear away. "Robert, let me do this.”

“No Aaron. I should have had more control; they’ll still charge me anyway, you telling them won’t make any difference.”

.

I turn to Peter who is looking as intrigued as the others, “Lock the door." I then continue, speaking to the sergeant, "Robert would normally just walk away if someone said this to him, but there's a reason why he didn't tonight." I dart a quick glance at Martin, "It is to do with what I told him. This has to stay private, I don’t want this ever getting out, but you need to understand what made him flip and he will never tell you.” Robert turns away from me, increasingly upset and frustrated with me. Well Robert doesn’t always get what he wants with me; it's a part of the attraction.

“Mr Livesy you know if he's charged this will be a matter for the CPS to decide?”

"I don't want it to get that far and I want you to understand."

Robert turns back to me, now openly crying, “No Aaron, please don’t do this.....; you haven’t even shown me yet. It shouldn’t be like this. You don’t need to do this.” He moves as if to try and stop me but Peter holds him back and Robert doesn't resist, looking defeated.

I feel strangely calm as I take my coat off, I’m distracted for an instant, a thundering noise above us has broken out; it sounds like United have scored. Robert doesn't say another word as I pull my jumper off and put it on the side, “I left after being attacked on the farm. They wanted to hurt me because I’m gay and they didn’t want the England captain to be gay or be together with someone like me.” I can see the emotional pain in Robert's face, finding it hard hearing me talk about what happened again.

"They hurt me really badly and it will stay with me for the rest of my life, not just in my head; they made sure I’d never be able to forget." I take a deep breath and nod my head slightly at Robert, “It’s okay.” He looks petrified as I take my t-shirt off, covering up the scars on my front with it, then taking another deep breath and closing my eyes I turn around. The silence is deafening as they see the letters branded onto my back and after what is probably only a few seconds I put my t-shirt back on. I go straight to Robert, my eyes never leave his. He is barely managing to stay upright he is so distraught and when I reach him he breaks down completely; bending over wracked with tears he pulls us both down onto the floor. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I can’t change what they did, but we can show them that they didn’t break us. They’ll never break us, do you understand?”

"Only because Meg and Sean found you; if they hadn't you'd be dead Aaron."

"They don't know that though. I didn't die and we're still together." Robert is clinging onto me as I hold him, "Look at me, they didn't win." Robert looks at me and nods but having seen the reality of what they did to me; his face shows how truly devastating this is for him. I've had months to come to terms with it; this ultimately hadn't been what kept me away, it was the threat they would do to him what they did to me that made me so afraid. I look up at the others, “I’m begging you to work something out. Whatever we need to do, we’ll do it. Just don’t charge him, I don’t want us to have to go to court or him to have a record because of this, he doesn’t deserve it."

TBC


	38. Aaron's Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron are questioned by the police.

Robert, Wednesday 4th January

We went to the police station last night where I was arrested and formally cautioned. It was decided with it being so late that the interviews could wait until today and I was free to go home; we were so exhausted that we slept immediately, there was no attempt to talk about had happened. We were up early this morning and appeared at the police station as requested; Aaron came with me. The press were all over us, both leaving home and when we got here; it was actually a relief to be inside the police station.

Since giving my statement I’ve been waiting for what feels like forever in the interview room. They won’t let me see Aaron. I want to make sure he’s okay and that he’s not pushed into anything; we both knew that they wouldn’t let it drop after last night. I didn’t want him to come but he wasn’t having any of it and I quickly gave up trying to persuade him; it was clear he wasn't going to budge. Peter promised me he wouldn’t leave his side, which makes me feel marginally better.

.

The sergeant from last night comes into the room and sits opposite me. "Mr Sugden, we have now interviewed Joey Carter; he confirms your statement that you just forced him out of the dressing room and didn't actually hit him. He is not looking to press charges and from our perspective this matter is closed. I would recommend however, that you make a personal apology for scaring the wits out of the lad and Mr Taylor confirmed the club will be disciplining you for your actions. The damage to the dressing room will also be left as a private matter between yourself and United."

As relieved as I am at this, it's what comes next that I'm worried most about. "This brings us to the very public incident with Mr Collins on the pitch during the game. It was initially suspected that he had sustained a broken nose which might have changed how we have decided to view the incident, however the hospital have confirmed this is not the case. We have spoken with both Mr Collins and his club. I take it you are aware what he said to you has already become public knowledge?” I nod; one of the players had overheard. It apparently spiralled from there and was soon all over the internet. “This is not reflecting well on either Mr Collins or his club considering the circumstances; you will receive a public apology and as you can imagine, Mr Collins does not want this to proceed to court any more than you do. We have discussed at length with the CPS this morning and it has been decided that it would not be in anyone’s interest to press charges; it would not be in the interest of the public and we are taking into account the circumstances regarding your partner. You would likely get no worse than a fine and community service for an isolated incident and with mitigating factors, depending on the judge you might not receive any punishment. However, as part of this decision, your club have committed you to do twelve months voluntary community service and will levy a substantial fine to go to charity for your actions as well as a public apology.”

“Thank you. I don’t have a problem for it go to court, I know I should have kept in control; I just…., it was too soon after Aaron told me and it just happened. I don’t care about me and I know Aaron says he wants it to stay private, but I know him; he would speak out to help me just like he did last night. I don't want to put him in that position. We’re just beginning to get our lives back together and we are doing, but the pressure of other people knowing would make this a million times harder than it already is.”

“I can understand that it’s very difficult to come to terms with something so traumatic and your partner is very brave to show us as he did. This brings me to the final condition we have for not pressing charges, is that you and we recommend also for your partner, that you seek counselling to help you deal with re-building your lives.”

“We already talked about it a little; he’s only really just come home properly these last few days, before that he was still in Scotland a lot.” I hesitate, “He wasn’t one of them right, you checked?”

“Yes we checked and Mr Collins has a solid alibi. It’s not possible that he was one of the people who attacked Mr Livesy; it was just an unfortunate choice of language on the pitch. One last thing; I’m not going to dig into the little coincidental matter of a fire at Butler’s farm on Sunday night. I understand there will be no claim on the insurance so as long as that remains the case then I will accept the original assumptions. Call it good will on my part.”

I smile knowingly, feeling very relieved, “Am I free to go?”

“You are. You should know however, that your partner is being interviewed regarding the attack on him last March. Obviously, seeing his injuries last night, you must have realised that I was obliged to report this further. His case is still open and I believe that he rejected any approach to give a statement at the time when he returned.”

I look a little surprised, but I shouldn’t be; it's just Aaron hadn’t mentioned that the police had been in touch, though it would have been odd if they hadn’t. “Can I see him?”

“I need to check with the officers handling his case. I would expect, as he has confided in you, that they will also want to interview you before they let you see him.”

I nod, “He doesn’t know who they were. I won't force him to tell you what happened and for as long he wants it to remain quiet you won’t get me to say anything. It’s completely Aaron’s choice; we just want to get on with our lives in peace.”

.

It’s the afternoon when we get home and the media are still everywhere. I call Martin to update him; he said he'd see me tomorrow before training to discuss my punishment from the club so the rest of the day is ours. I grab Aaron by his waist as he passes me in the kitchen and I pull him to me, “I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did, I just couldn’t stop myself. I’ve never been like that before during a game.”

Aaron puts his hands around my head and kisses me, “I know.”

“Your mum keeps ringing; apparently you’re not picking up the phone.”

“I already texted her to say I’m okay.”

I pull a face because he knows his mum better than that, “You should call her; she worries and she's not the only one. You okay after all their questions?”

He shrugs, “I didn’t tell them anything. There's no point; you know the truth and you're the only one I need to know.”

“Would you?”

“Would I what?”

I want to test the waters a little, because Peter has started digging on my request. I haven’t told him what happened, but I gave him bits, like the tattoo the guy had and that there were four of them, “If we found out who they were, what would you want to do?”

Aaron looks at me quietly a moment, “What have you done?”

“Nothing, it’s a hypothetical question. If the police turned up and said they thought they had found them, would you tell them what happened, go to court, testify and all that?”

He walks away from me and puts the kettle on, “I don’t know.”

“What would you want…..? Hypothetically…..”

Aaron sounds a little exasperated with me, but trying his best not to be, “I don’t know Robert. There’s not much chance as far as I can see after all this time that they’ll ever be found. I don't want to talk about it anymore.” He starts making a tea, “Do you want one?”

I shake my head, “No.”

“I’m going for a bath.” I’m swivelling on the chair watching him, trying to work out what’s going through his head, but that’s impossible; he’s much harder to read these days. “You want to come with me?” I stop swivelling and he laughs at me, seeing the look on my face, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just thought……, it doesn't matter.” I watch him leave to go upstairs, feeling very unsure if this is a good idea so soon.

.

I get to the bathroom door and stand still an instant. I can hear the water running but it goes quiet as he turns off the tap; my heart is beating ten to the dozen when I open the door. Aaron is still in his shorts and t-shirt having just taken off his jeans. He stands still, watching me as I walk in. I kiss his shoulder as I pass him to go sit on the side of the bath, pulling him with me. With my hands on his hips, I hold onto him, just breathing him in whilst Aaron strokes his hand through my hair and kisses the top of my head.

Aaron lifts my head, pushing my chin up with his fingers, his eyes searching into mine; maybe he's wondering if I’m up-to it after what we’ve been through this last few days. I think he can tell what I’m feeling before I can most of the time recently; he lets his hands fall to his side and nods his head silently.

I stand up and because Aaron doesn’t move, it makes our bodies very close, touching in many places. I also let my hands fall to my side; all I can hear is the sound of our breathing. Moving my right hand, my fingers touch the side of his head lightly, my hand running down past his ear until I let it linger on his neck. I kiss his forehead very lightly and watch him carefully to make sure he’s really okay to do this. Aaron closes his eyes, he is so absolutely still as he stands in front of me with my hands now moved once more onto his hips.

I push him to take a small step back as I slowly pull his t-shirt up, moving his arms with me so I can lift it off over his head and then let it fall to the floor. I notice he has goose-bumps as my fingers wander to the two new scars on his stomach and the self-brand he did with the key. I couldn’t understand at all before how he even came on the idea to do something so extreme, but it makes much more sense to me now. I take a deep breath and make sure I’m ready to do this, because I don’t want to freak out; even though I probably will on the inside, I want him to know that this will never define who he is. I rest my left hand gently up on his neck and with my other turn him so he is side-ways on to me. After kissing the side of his head, I rest my head against his a moment; Aaron remains perfectly still, with his eyes closed. I close mine also and then slowly move my hand up his back, my fingers tentatively sliding up over his soft smooth skin. When my hand reaches half-way up his back I feel him tense up completely; I hold still and whisper in his ear, “Do you want me to stop?”

“No.”

My fingers creep up to his shoulder blade and Aaron visibly jolts as they touch the mark of the first letter. It feels smooth, the skin raised round the edges, like a ridge but then the inside indented. My left hand is still resting on the side of his neck as I move my other to in-between his shoulder blades. I turn Aaron round further, lift my head and I finally open my eyes. I can’t stop a little intake of breath, because seeing the damage to his beautiful body, even though I know what to expect this time, is completely heart-breaking. Two of the letters are totally clear and looked to have burned through every layer but a couple are not as pronounced like the iron wasn’t as hot; you can still clearly read exactly what it says though.

I don’t stare for long, it doesn’t feel right and I turn Aaron back round to face me; I kiss the salty tear from his check, catching it before it falls all the way down. We haven’t spoken a word; I don’t think I could ever have been as brave as he is.

We kiss and after undressing, we get into the bath. Aaron lies back against me, my arms wrapped around his front with his resting over mine and my legs are wrapped over his, “I love you Aaron; I will always love you.”

.

Aaron, Wednesday 4th January

We came to bed after getting out of the bath and must both have fallen asleep as I wake up to find myself draped over Robert asleep on his back, his mouth half open, lightly snoring. I smile at him as I push his chin up closing his mouth. I can feel the tautness of his body beneath me, the combination of football and the farm have helped keep his body very toned. I stroke his chest lightly with my fingers for a while and feeling his nipple I start gently squeezing. He used to love this and I let my hand wander over his torso; my nervousness is ever present, but the touch and smell of his skin is slowly winning out. I get braver, my hand wandering down his front, teasing ever lower until I let my hand run all the way down and over his shaft. I know he’s awake now, his breathing has changed slightly, but his eyes remain closed. I let my hand play, instinctively remembering what he likes and what makes his body respond the most. He opens his eyes and looks at me, his breathing quickening with the motion of my hand. He is very hard now and he turns more towards me resting his head into the crook of my shoulder, “You don’t have to Aaron, I want you to, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

I answer him very quietly, “Shhhh, do you like it?” He glances up at me as though that were the stupidest question in the world before resting his head back into my neck. I can feel his warm breath and the heaving of his chest as I continue to work over his hardness, my hands sliding down to his balls and he lets out a gasp as I squeeze playfully. I remember exactly what brings him to the edge and his hand is gripping onto my shoulder, tightening as he gets ever closer and he’s moaning into my neck. I’d forgotten how good it feels to make someone....; not just someone, but Robert turned on like this.

I hold still an instant, deciding what to do because I’m rock hard; my dick has remembered it likes sex and I roll Robert onto his front. I rest my forehead against the small of his back and I bite gently, smiling at the marks left by my teeth. I’ve made my choice, “Do you have anything?” I’m not going to assume he’s gone all this time without sex.

“I don't think we got any more after we used the last ones; there hasn’t been anyone since you. I got tested in December; I never thought to buy some.” This doesn't slow us down at all, he’s moving back against me, my hardness sliding up between his butt cheeks.

“Me neither but I’m not tested Robert, we should use something to be sure.....” The intensity building between us takes over and I’m already pushing inside him with my fingers. After a little loosening, I reach inside him with my tongue, all the while stroking myself. So many months without sex and being with Robert now is like opening the floodgates; he has seen all of me and any fear of having sex with him is gone. He is moaning loudly as my tongue plays and teases; just listening to him like this is such a turn on and I can’t wait any longer. He’s so tight as I push inside him, he’s biting down hard into the pillow but I don’t stop to give him time. He feels amazing and after such a long time for both of us it’s a raw need as I drive into him; this isn’t lovemaking, this is pure primal fucking on both our parts. I pull Robert up onto his knees, his hands gripping onto the bedhead and I don’t stop pounding him until, pulling out of him just in time, I come into my hand. I rest my head on his back out of breath as my hand continues to stroke my dick until I'm fully spent.

.

Robert turns round and lies back equally out of breath. Thankfully he’s smiling, because I realise how hard I drove into him; however I’m not finished with him yet. My tongue darts around his nipple again then moving over his torso, a frenzied mix of kissing and sucking; sometimes blowing over where my tongue has left a wet trail. The more I taste, the more I want; I almost feel drunk on his body. I want all of him and my hand starts to play with his dick once more; he’s still very hard and I smile after getting the response I’d expected. Robert’s body is needy and I hold his hand out of the way so he doesn’t interfere whilst switching the rhythm of my stroking, “That’s just cruel.” Robert is losing control of his breathing; his eyes are tightly closed as my hand strokes lightly, moving along his shaft slowly just in the one direction and Robert is zoning out with the sensation just like he always used to. His head snaps back though as I suddenly return to rubbing in both directions, speeding it up and then slowing it down; he’s very close now as I play with just the head again, teasing with my finger and thumb. “Don’t stop Aaron; don’t stop.”

“I won’t.” I smile to myself as Robert is writhing and moaning, completely at the mercy of my hand. I always did get off on the control I could exercise over him with the simple touch of my hand or when I took him into my mouth. “How badly do you want it?”

Robert can hardly talk, gasping as he struggles to control his breathing, “Very, I want it very badly.”

I had made a new year’s resolution that I won’t be afraid anymore and I had made a mental list of things I needed to do to stop being scared; this was one of them and before Robert can stop me I move down and take him into my mouth. I know he’s not in control now, he’s too far gone with my mouth just teasing his head and he starts begging me to take more. I don’t and continue to play with his head a while longer; it tastes of Robert and abandoning any remaining fear, I go all the way down on him. He pushes deep into my mouth and I let him. Sucking deep and hard, I feel him move with me until his body tightens and holds still, his come flowing into my mouth and I drink all of him down. I keep sucking as his body starts shuddering; his hands fight mine but I win out making him cry out loudly as I remind him what it’s like to totally submit to me. I milk him until I'm sure there’s absolutely nothing left and I can’t resist flicking over his end with my tongue which makes his body jerk and spasm. I think he’d tell me off if he could actually talk, but he can’t as my mouth goes down on him again, driving him completely out of his mind; the sensation is too much for him to handle.

TBC


	39. Happy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert has a surprise for Aaron on his birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the warm comments and support; here's just a little something to make you smile after all that angst....

Robert, Thursday 5th January

I’m stood leaning against the doorframe, watching Aaron with our family and friends who are gradually arriving. Christmas had been so weird that I wanted his birthday to be different; nothing big, just a few drinks at home with the people closest to us. He’s the most relaxed I’ve seen him since he came back; we both are. He's smiling, working that family balancing act he does so well, standing having a beer between Cain and Paddy, his presence alone papering over the differences between his uncle and the person he sees as his dad. Chas is her usual self, Martin by her side; I have to say they make a good couple, though I don’t envy Martin one bit. I wouldn’t swap Aaron for anyone in the entire world. The only really sore point on the Emmerdale front still to work out is with Adam; there hasn’t been time to do any bridge-building with him yet. I invited him and Vic, but he just texted back that he didn’t think it was a good idea and I decided to leave it for tonight. First I need to work out what’s going on with Aaron, because until I do this, I’m not going to be able to fix it. Vic, feeling torn between them stayed with him and is covering the bar at the Woolpack so Diane could come instead. Pretty much other than them, the entire family is here.

I look at the clock and Peter comes over, talking quietly into my ear, making me smile. Aaron has sneaked up behind me without me noticing. “So what are you two plotting?” He knew he wouldn't get his present from me until tonight and has spent half the day telling me he doesn’t want a present and the other half trying to get it out of me what it is.

I turn and put my arms round him smiling conspiratorially at Peter who is already walking off, “You’ll find out soon enough. You okay?” Part of me just wants to take him up-to bed as I kiss him softly, not being able to resist going back for a second, this time with a little tongue. 

He pushes me away before we get carried away, whispering into my ear, "I love it when I catch you looking at me." He goes to get himself another beer, glancing back smirking at me and I grin back like he's my first crush. I can’t wait to see the look on Aaron’s face when he sees his present.

.

It’s just after seven thirty when Peter switches on all the main lights outside round the back of the house; the entire garden is suddenly floodlit, including the bottom area which is just grass stretching out to the walls bordering on the fields beyond. Aaron looks at me puzzled but his expression soon changes as he sees what’s coming; walking to the French windows, he opens them and goes outside. I follow him and whisper into his ear, “Happy birthday.” He looks at me and kisses me before turning back to look at the helicopter landing on the grass. Other than Peter, no-one else was in the know either and they are all gathering watching curiously.

I hang back, watching Aaron who can’t wait and is already walking over to the helicopter; its blades are still slowing down as Peter opens the door, helping Jamie, Meg and Sean get out. Aaron wraps his arms around Jamie who has rushed over to him. Meg and Sean look amazing as they each hug Aaron. He is holding Jamie’s hand with Meg's arm linked through his as they walk back towards the house and I finally get my turn to say hello. I shake Sean’s hand and give Meg a hug and kiss; Jamie is still too attached to Aaron, but I get a shy grin from him. They had called Aaron earlier in the day to wish him happy birthday so he had absolutely no idea that they would be here. 

It takes a while for all the introductions as we make our way into the house. Just as I’m about to go in, following the last of the stragglers, Aaron lets go of Jamie’s hand and pushes me back outside, closing the door behind us, nicely timed with the turning off of the main floodlights and back to a more subdued garden lighting. He puts his hands on my neck and pulls me into a kiss, a full on tongues and passion-filled kiss, “I love you Mr Sugden.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep.”

We snog a little while longer and I have to push him gently away, “We need to stop or I won’t be able to keep my hands off you and we’ll have to make a detour to the bedroom. I do think your guests will notice.”

Aaron smirks at me, still giving me the come on with his eyes, slightly swaying as his fingers run along the top of my belt, “Probably, it is my birthday though.”

I move his hands away as a safety measure, “True, but they’ll be leaving at some point and then I’ll have you to myself all night, no interruptions.”

“Mmhhh, I might be too tired by then.”

I love his teasing eyes and that smile he has as he wraps his arms around my neck, “Oh I think I can manage to keep you awake.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely,” I stroke my hand down his face, giving him a loving kiss and then holding his hand it takes all my will power to pull him back inside and join the others.

.

It was definitely interesting seeing Meg and Chas together, they are similar in some ways and then complete opposites in other things. It's probably a good thing that there is usually a few hundred miles between them. At one point there is me, Martin, Sean, Cain and Paddy all in a row with a beer enjoying watching them work it out, laughing and commenting at their verbal sparring as they learn how to be with each other and Aaron doing his best to keep them both in line. He definitely has two mums now so they’re going to have to find a way to share him. It must be a little odd for Meg because Chas is pretty much in the dark about everything, same as everyone else. We agreed between us with Meg and Sean that we would never tell anyone about Aaron trying to kill himself and the marks on his back. The same with Martin who has promised me that he'll never tell her what he had heard and seen on Tuesday night; it’s a hard secret to keep from someone who loves Aaron as much as Chas, but it's better she doesn't know.

It's a good night, but the best bit is definitely the constant flirting between us; somehow without us realising it, any barriers are melting away. Sexually and emotionally it feels like we are almost whole once more; we can hardly keep away from each other. Jamie and the others couldn’t stay over as I had originally wanted because Jamie has an early hospital appointment in the morning but I promised him that next time they need to come down properly and stay for a few days where he could also come watch a game. I need to get next week over first before we can decide on when. I have the F.A. hearing with the disciplinary commission where I find out what punishment I will get for hitting Collins; I expect a suspension, I'm just not sure how long for.

Jamie had fallen asleep on the sofa and when it was time for them to leave, I watch Aaron carry him still fast asleep as he follows Sean and Meg to the waiting helicopter to take them back home. I put my arms round him as we watch the helicopter take off and disappear into the night. They were pretty much the last of the guests to leave.

.

Aaron feigns tiredness, yawning away and I shake my head, smiling to myself because I can sense he’s still buzzing and far from tired. Holding hands, I follow him upstairs to bed. I’m still very aware that anything can trigger something with him, but so far he seems be completely comfortable with sleeping together and having sex, but the one thing I’m being super careful with is how I talk to him. Before, part of the turn on was pushing each other verbally, but I don’t think he’s ready for this and I doubt that he will ever want to hear some of the things we used to say to each other again. We might both have to accept that there are just some things that will never go back to how they were.

I collapse on the bed waiting for Aaron to come out of the bathroom after cleaning his teeth. I smile at him; he's right I love watching him. I missed all the little things about him when he was gone, the little looks and touches between us; tonight we’ve done all of these things. I prop myself up on my elbows as he comes over to me; when he reaches me I sit up and kiss his stomach, my hand already starting to rub his crotch. His eyes are so playful, “You not going to clean your teeth Mr Sugden?”

“Not yet Mr Livesy, I thought I might have one last drink.” Aaron smirks at me as I bite him through his jeans. I can feel his hardness growing and I start to unbutton them, kissing him through his undies. Pushing him off me, I pull them off; then lifting him up we start kissing as he straddles my body. I turn with him resting on my hips, his legs wrapped round me; we're kissing frantically as I lie him down on the bed. We can’t keep our hands off each other and he’s pretty soon naked and our tongues once more shoved down each other's throats. Quickly I pull my clothes off, lying back next to him; I want to slow things down. The last couple of times, we’ve been driven by an urgency because it’s been so long since we were together; tonight I want to make it last, tonight I want to make love.

.

I turn Aaron towards me, so we are lying on our side facing each other and we start kissing slower, filled with an intense passion. My hand is caressing his thigh, I take my time before moving up-to his crotch but I let my hand wander straight past his dick which is twitching slightly; he’s fully hard now and I’m not far off. My hand glides up his chest, up-to his neck where it rests as I wrap my leg over his body. I pull him close to me, our kisses loving and tender, our tongues and mouths enjoying exploring, pushing and teasing until we finally rest a little, our heads still touching. “I’ve been waiting to do this all day, do you know that?” I move my mouth to his neck and find myself biting and sucking which makes his gasp and cling onto me tighter.

Aaron's head falls back moaning in false pretence, “Ow."

"You shouldn't taste so good; I'm going to taste all of you tonight."

His head comes back up, our faces are touching and our bodies wrapped tightly around each other, "Well, we do have all night.” Aaron’s eyes are bewitching; I start stroking our dicks together and we continue kissing, “I missed you so much Rob; I missed this, I missed you touching me.”

Feeling his hard shaft rubbing against mine in my hand has made me fully hard. “Promise me you’ll tell me to stop if it’s too much or.....”

“Sshhh, I’m not afraid Robert, I want to be with you. I want to feel everything. I meant what I said; they’re not going to win, ever. I love being together with you and nothing they did will ever change that.” Aaron pushes me over onto my back and lies on top of me, rubbing himself against me and he bends his head down and takes my nipple into his mouth sucking and biting with his teeth pulling until he gets the gasp from me that he was looking for and his eyes look at me quickly, mischievously as he moves to the other and does the same.

He's intoxicating, “Oh god Aaron; more, I love it when you do that.”

“How about when I do this?” He leans over me, pinning each of my wrists to the bed either side of my head and bites into my neck, sucking with his mouth kissing so hard that he’s going to leave one hell of a mark and does the same at the other side. Aaron is taking control of my senses which are reeling at his every touch; it's like electric and I don't want him to stop.

“You know I like it. God I want you.” He bites down again before crushing his lips onto mine as we kiss hard and deep; he bites my lip gently as he moves to sit back up, straddling my abdomen. Aaron’s hand reaches behind him stroking my dick and I’m stroking him with one hand, my other hand roaming over his body. I don’t let it linger on any of the scars. I’m getting used to seeing the more recent ones and the brand from the key; I’m accepting they are a part of Aaron, “You are so fucking irresistible, just looking at you turns me on.”

He leans over me and reaches into the drawer for a condom which I'd found time to buy earlier just to be safe until Aaron can get tested. I think we both really hate having to use them but this is the last thing on my mind when Aaron takes me by surprise; without turning round he expertly rolls the condom on to me and before I can check this is what he wants, Aaron is already pressing himself down onto me. I watch the expression on his face change as I hold onto his hips and he leans back slightly, he cries out closing his eyes as he sinks down all the way, "Fuck, fuck, oh fuckin' hell.” I see the mental switch as he works through the first stab of pain, controlling his breathing as I slowly start to push up. He opens his eyes and the intensity increases, our eyes locked as we move against each other, “Fuck me, really fuck me Rob, just like we used to; I still want that, I don’t want you to hold back.”

.

I let my body answer and I push deep inside him, keeping our movement slow and deliberate. Aaron leans over and kisses me, my hands move up over his back. I feel a sudden panic as my hands move over his shoulder blades, but Aaron doesn’t stop; he moves with me and presses ever harder against me, taking me deeper, moaning for more. We are now both being driven by a combination of our sexual and emotional closeness that nothing else matters. Aaron pushes his fingers in my mouth and I suck on them as he moves them in and out as if they were his dick until he replaces them with his mouth.

He moves off me and up my body so I can take him in my mouth for real, my fingers pushing inside his hole, but my dick wants him and I soon push him over onto his knees, my dick enjoying the tightness from being inside him once more. He brings his upper body up so we are kneeling upright, my arm wrapped around his front and my mouth kissing his neck and ears as I thrust up inside him.

Aaron drops forward onto all fours and then down onto his front, shifting us so we are lying on our side, spooning; I hold Aaron’s hand, our fingers intertwined. Aaron’s head rests back against me and my mouth moves between his neck and his mouth as my right hand holds his leg out so I can get the right angle. He responds as he moans helplessly, his grip on my hand tightening telling me I've hit his prostate; our bodies moving now quick and hard, urgent and frantic. Aaron is stroking himself off as I kiss the back of his neck, his breathing becoming more erratic as I increase the speed. I pull his face round and we kiss passionately, we are completely lost in each other, “I love you, I love you more than anything.”

We are both getting close and I slow it down again, he's drawing me deeper inside him than I ever thought possible; it feels like our bodies are joined as one. I use my leg to keep Aaron’s leg where I want it and I take over stroking his dick, I’m now in control of everything he’s feeling and he’s getting more and desperate in his movement, “I’m close Rob, I’m really close.”

Our hot sweaty bodies are moving completely in harmony; I kiss his neck, whispering into his ear, “I know.” I kiss and lick his ear which has him moaning loudly, gasping for breath, whimpering as my hand is pushing him to the edge and holding him there, waiting until I know I can't hold it anymore. He’s aching to come when I push him over the edge; he can’t stop crying out as he climaxes his dick throbbing in my hand which is jerking him fast whilst I thrust as deep as I can get until I feel the release of my own orgasm explode. My body holds still, straining as wave after wave hits me whilst Aaron’s whole body is tightened, convulsing; he can hardly breathe with the intensity as his come spurts into my hand. We keep pushing each other until there is nothing left to come, striving to hold onto the sensation until the very last.

“Jesus Aaron, that was so intense.” I suck my fingers so I can taste him, really taste him. My hand reaches back to clean the rest of his load, “Try it, see how good you taste.” I put my fingers by his mouth and as he sucks them, I reach in his mouth gently so he can properly suck them clean whilst I slowly move inside him. "Happy birthday Aaron." I'm practically glowing with contentment, both outside and in.

“Fuck Rob,” I pull out of him and pull the condom off dropping it onto the floor and then pulling Aaron back into me, my mouth kissing his neck as we lay together and I wrap my arms round him. We are both quiet a little while; both of us are out of breath and need a bit of time to come round. “That was mind-blowing.” My hand is stroking the top of his head; he smiles at me, his eyes are so alive it makes me feel even more emotional than I already do. I'm saved by him making me laugh, "We definitely need to do that again."

“Mmmh, well, you did say we have all night, so we have plenty of time for seconds, thirds and fourths if you want.” Aaron laughs a little which turns into a moan as I suck his ear lobe which has him moving against me again. This always gets a reaction out of him, even after just coming like now, his neck, ear lobes and toes are the parts of his body I can touch any time and they turn him on completely. I smile to myself and pull him close and we kiss, “You okay?”

“Mmm hhm.”

.

“You’re beautiful do you know that?” I kiss his neck, “Wildly sexy.” He turns round so he’s facing me so we can kiss, “Amazing in bed.” We kiss again, a lot longer, soft gentle kissing, “I could do this all day every day.”

“You’ll give me a big head with all these compliments.”

“Later.....”

Aaron laughs and moves onto his front and it goes quiet between us a moment. I turn onto my side, taking my time watching his face. Aaron folds his arms flat on the bed, resting his right cheek on them, his eyes watching me. I lean forward and kiss his forehead and let my eyes wander over his naked body lying by my side. I'm mesmerized watching his upper body moving with his breathing which is now returned to its normal steady rhythm. I rest my hand on his lower back and let it wander down over his bum which makes him smile, a cute bashful smile. I move so I’m much closer to him, our faces are almost touching and I can feel his breath. I kiss his nose and we are watching each other closely and maybe even a little curiously to see how we each react as my hand slides slowly but surely up his back until I reach in-between his shoulder blades and I let it rest there, the palm of my hand flat on his upper back unmoving. I kiss him, we are now so near that our noses are practically touching, “I don’t see you any different, I love you more than ever before and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to make love to you, I want make you laugh, be there for you when you cry. I’ll be there for you when you need me and I won’t ever let you push me away, you got that Aaron Livesy? You don’t ever have to hide from me, not ever.”

He doesn’t say anything at first but his eyes are glistening, “Promise?”

“I promise, but that means you have to do the same for me, don’t give up on me, even when I screw up.”

Aaron smiles, it's so disarming, “What, Robert Sugden screws up? Can I have that in writing?”

Smiling back, I stroke my hand up through his hair, “You’re such a comedian.” He moves to lie on top of me and I wrap myself around him.

“I promise. I’m not going anywhere; I love you Robert Sugden.” He starts kissing me once more and I get the feeling it's going to be a very long night.

TBC


	40. One Down, One To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert continue to settle into their life together; helping each other to leave the past behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 40 - 42 together.

Robert, End February

Aaron is pulling on his jacket, “You know, this might not be one of our better ideas.”

I smile at him whilst straightening the lapels on his jacket, “It wasn’t, it was your idea.....; remember? You made the suggestion to Isa, I just went along with you.”

“Mmhh, I was just trying to be nice. I didn’t actually think you’d say yes, I mean since when do you do anything I ask you to?”

“All the time; it will be fine, I promise.” I’m laughing at him openly now, “I’ll make it worth your while.” I grab his hand, pulling him along just by his fingertips.

Aaron is shaking his head at me; he’s reluctantly amused though, “I can’t believe I’m going out in public with you looking like that.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun. Isa can’t wait, she’s so excited and just think, you don’t have to pretend; you can be your usual grumpy self all night and stay in character.” Aaron pulls a face, a perfect fit for his given role making me chuckle at him even more, “Awww, I know underneath that beautiful abrasive exterior that you are charming, witty and funny, not grumpy at all….., much.” I make sure my wig is in place properly in the hall mirror, “I don’t know why you’re so worked up. It’s not like you don’t know everyone and they’ll all be in fancy dress too.” I turn to him with a cheeky grin and pull a flamboyant pose, “How do I look?”

Despite his protestations, he can’t help laughing at me whilst shaking his head, “This is going to be all over the papers tomorrow, I just know it.”

“So what; anyway, they’ll just see how sexy and gorgeous you are when you pout.” I grab his waist with my hands and kiss his neck, hitting exactly the right buttons in him, “You know if you keep on pouting like that we won’t actually make it there at all because I’ll be ripping your clothes off and fucking you until you can’t take it anymore.”

Aaron’s eyes are sparkling, “You did that last night already.”

“I’m greedy. I want to do it again.”

He pushes me away, “I need time to recover first; you went at it a little harder than we’ve done for a long time. I’m going to have to concentrate just to walk normally.”

I can’t help grinning, thinking at how amazingly good it had been, “That’s your own fault, you begged me. Did you enjoy it?” I scoop Aaron up in my arms, pushing him along in front of me as I walk us both outside to the waiting car.

Aaron has a lopsided grin on his face as I kiss the back of his head and he turns whispering into my ear, “Yes, but just so you know, next time we get like that you’re going to be mine, you got that Sugden? You’re going to submit to me like you’ve never done before.” He looks back seductively at me, getting into the car.

I have to check myself, just hearing him talk like this gets me all aroused. I get into the car and whisper close to his ear so Peter can’t hear, “You know you can’t say things like that to me, I’m going to be thinking about that all night in my head.” I kiss him and then have to pull myself away putting some distance between us or we’ll never get where we are going and I’m under instruction having promised Isa we wouldn’t be late so we can all go in together.

.

It’s Lucy’s 30th birthday and Tom is throwing a bash for her. As always with Tom it has spiralled out of control and is a big bash at a posh hotel, an odd mix of footballers, celebrities, family and friends are expected. Lucy likes to have fun so it’s fancy dress; TV characters of our choice. Isa has been over for the last week and finally met Aaron properly for the first time. She decided to stay with Tom and Lucy instead of with us which I was a little miffed about at first, but as always she’s right. Aaron isn’t quite ready for her planning our wedding just yet and she just can’t help herself when she sees us together. It’s been good to see her and as I knew would happen she soon had Aaron wrapped around her finger just like she does the rest of us; she just has that way about her. They get on well and that’s all that matters to me.

I had introduced Isa to Black Adder when we were living in France and she fell in love with it. There was never going to be any other option for the fancy dress and she knew straight from the off we were doing the third because she wanted to get dressed up as Mrs Miggins, the complete opposite of her usual chic outfits and perfect makeup. She assigned our roles to us, we didn’t actually get a choice; Aaron is Black Adder and I’m the Prince Regent. We’re going to have fun with this all night whether Aaron likes it or not, he should be thankful he’s not Baldrick.

.

We get out of the car and Aaron is holding onto my hand for dear life, keeping his head down a little, unhappy about all the paparazzi outside the hotel. Other than coming to watch me play we are never out on the social scene. We’ve been concentrating on us for a while and it’s been busy; lots of games between the premiership, F.A. cup and the Champions League. I pull him past the cameras ignoring the calls for us to stop and do the whole photo call thing. He relaxes just a little when we get inside, downing the first glass of wine practically in one and grabbing a quick second to keep him going. I needn’t worry about him; Isa takes him under her wing for me whenever we are apart. He doesn’t know but we agreed never to leave him on his own between us, just in case it gets too much.

It doesn’t take long for the alcohol to begin to have an effect on both of us so we are soon much more relaxed and openly affectionate with each other. We still can’t be in the same room with each other for long without connecting some way or another.

.

Stood together with Tom, I can’t help laughing watching a helpless Aaron being dragged onto the dance floor by Lucy and Isa, two gorgeous ladies with him and we still only have eyes for each other. I’ve had to readjust several times during the evening already, remembering what he let me do to him last night in most definitely the wildest love-making session we've had since he came back. We’ve come a long way in the last couple of months on many fronts. Therapy has helped both of us and I’ve been heavily involved in the charity work and volunteering; Aaron sometimes coming with me when he can fit it in around work. We see Jamie pretty much every other week, either here or we go to Scotland, though I still haven’t quite got used to the blow up doll greeting me every time I walk in and out of the loft and I had to insist on buying a proper bed that would fit both of us in it. I had received a three match ban for hitting Collins in January and have been back playing since the beginning of February giving Jamie chance to come and watch United play when he came to visit the last couple of times.

We’ve done some preliminary investigation for Aaron to have skin graft surgery but we are both reluctant. It won’t be easy with the skin being so deeply damaged; the surgeon says there will still be significant scarring and that the whole procedure and healing process is very painful. We’re both moving on from it mentally and neither of us is sure it’s a good idea. I catch him sometimes looking at himself in the mirror, but for me, it’s just Aaron; the marks all over his body are a part of him but he is so much more to me that I see only him.

Slowly I have got him to patch things up with Adam and he’s started working back at the scrap yard. He never told me why he was so weird when he came back. I’m not sure there was a reason except that he had just been lashing out at the people closest to him and Adam had been the first person to see him after the attack at the farm.

I’m pulled from my thoughts seeing Aaron getting hit on again. It’s been happening from men and women alike all night, much to his discomfort and Lucy and Isa’s amusement, but we’ve never let it get out of hand. I’ve been watching him for a while and I can’t resist in the end as I go over to him and rescue him from his latest admirer, leaving no one in doubt as we kiss as if we are the only two people in the room. Isa snaps us with her phone, a mischievous glint in her eye but I don’t care. We hardly let go of each other the rest of the night; I’m not prepared to share him with anyone.

It’s well into the early hours when we fall into bed back at home; Aaron actually admitting that he’d had a good time.

.

Aaron, Mid March

The club had let Robert pick the voluntary work they had committed him to doing and he had surprised both me and Martin by choosing to work on a farm in Cheshire which has several programmes for terminally ill, disabled and disadvantaged children from all over the North West. I think he misses working up at Butlers, but like me he can’t bring himself to go there. Neither of us has been there since I told him at the New Year. I go with him to some of the charity work he does, but I won’t go to the farm where he helps out, even if it is for a good cause. Just the thought of going near a farm sends a wave of panic through me.

We’ve been quiet since we got home from the counselling session with Phillip, the therapist we’ve been seeing; it’s a mix of sessions together or others separately. Robert is making food and I’m looking if there’s anything good later on the telly when he comes over to me, “So what do you think about what Phillip suggested?”

I shrug switching off the telly, there’s nothing much on, “I don’t know Robert.” I can feel him watching me steadily, “I don’t mind if you want to, but I don’t think I can.”

“It’s okay, I get it. I don’t know even for me if I can do it. It’s not Butlers, but it’s not that different. I don’t know what I’d tell them to get out of it.” Robert smiles, “Some of the kids are so excited.”

I put my hand on his fleetingly before getting up to go make a tea. Both of us are torn by Phillip’s suggestion that we try to go to the lambing at the farm. I reacted badly to the suggestion at the time and walked out needing some fresh air. Robert had found me in the park across the road a little while later and we had come home hardly saying a word. The memories of just being on a farm are too difficult for me, never mind thinking about going to lambing. I know Robert had managed to avoid being involved with that part of the farm where he volunteers so far, but I wonder if a part of him knew this would come up and he wanted to use it as a way to get himself over this mentally. For him, he doesn’t have a problem with being on a farm, he has a problem with Butlers so even lambing itself for him might not actually be a big deal. I think what made it worse for me is that today is exactly a year since it happened and Phillip knew that. If he wanted to push some buttons in us, well he succeeded.

“There’s nothing on the box later, you want to go out or just stay in?”

“Whatever you fancy.” Robert looks across at me. “Are we going to talk about the fact that it’s a year ago?”

I consider for an instant and then go wrap my arms around him, “Nope. We’re going to eat food and then we’re going to the pub to get drunk. We’re going to get very drunk.”

He looks at me quietly, I know he has training tomorrow, but I also know he’s finding today as hard as I am. It’s not as though we’ve not talked about it, we have. It’s just that now today’s here, it feels weird. It’s like any other day, yet it’s not. “Okay, you tell Billy whilst I dish up.”

.

We’d decided to keep Peter and his team on, we’ve got used to having them around and we like them; they are like a security blanket and it feels too soon to let go just yet.

We get to the pub and it’s not long before we are working our way through several pints with Adam and Andy. Robert is so busy he doesn’t get time to come to the Woolpack too often. With working in the village I’m still around quite a lot, either to see mum or after work with Adam sometimes. I can feel the alcohol beginning to take effect as we play darts, our accuracy getting worse the more we drink. I’m not too sure what time either me or Adam will be in work tomorrow; even Robert is keeping up with us despite having training in the morning. Diane catches me watching him take his turn, smiling at the family’s attempts to distract him because just like when he’s playing for United he switches off from the noise. Quite a few of the family are in tonight, they are all aware of what the day is, “Are you okay pet?”

I turn to look at Diane and nod, “Weird day, you know?” My phone buzzes in my pocket, it’s Meg. I wander outside, mouthing to Robert as he looks at where I’m going. He nods at me and carries on playing; I can hear all the noise from outside still.

“Hi.”

“I just wanted to check you’re okay.”

“So-so. Quite drunk actually, we both are; we’re at the pub with the family.”

“Good. Jamie and Sean say hi; they’re over at my sisters.”

“Say hi back for me.”

“It feels weird doesn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Are you coping okay?”

“Yeah, I have Robert, we’re good.” There’s a slight pause, “Do you think I can ever go back to the farm?”

“I think you can do anything you set your mind to Aaron. Why?”

“The therapist suggested it today and I kind of flipped. I can’t even go near Butlers and the thought of being on a farm makes me want to be sick, but it’s part of Robert’s life; mine too I suppose. I know before I told him that he was thinking seriously about working a farm after he retires from football. That’s not going to happen if I can’t even stand to be near one.”

“Give it time. You’ve not been home that long Aaron.”

“I know. I was just thinking that’s all.”

“Is that all it is?”

“Huh, how do you do that?”

“What?”

“You always know there’s something more.”

“You don’t need to tell me.”

“You know Robert does this voluntary work on a farm that runs programmes for kids and stuff? Well, it’s coming up-to lambing and he’s thinking what to do. That's where I was on the farm, it's where it happened in the lambing shed. Lambing takes over the whole farm pretty much, you can’t get away from it; it scares him, but you know him he’ll use it as way to challenge himself to deal with it. He’ll move on with it and I’ll be stuck in the past.”

“It won’t be like that Aaron. He loves you and would do anything for you. He won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do, you know that?”

“What if I need him to? What if I need him to push me because I’ll not do it otherwise?”

“Have you spoken to him about it?”

“A little, not really; I’ve only just started thinking about it because lambing starts in the next couple of weeks.”

“Talk to him Aaron.”

“I need to work it out in my own head first.”

“The boys are back, I have to go but you know where we are if you need us. Love you and have a beer for me.”

“Love you too and I will do, maybe two.” I hear Meg laughing as we call off.

.

I go back into the pub, Robert looks over to make sure I’m okay and I nod, going back to my pint and talking with mum and Vic at the bar. However my thoughts are elsewhere and when Robert finishes the game, I signal to him I want to go home. We decide to walk; the fresh air feels good as we walk quietly, “What was it like?”

“What?”

“The game that night?”

“Hard, I didn’t know what to think or what to do for the best. I stayed to play because you’d promised to watch and I thought maybe if you were watching you’d call home or that……, I don’t know what I thought Aaron. I was scared. I was really scared about what had happened, but I played for you that night; the whole team played for you that night.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, I felt guilty for leaving you and that I didn’t protect you.”

“Have you ever watched it?”

“What?”

“The game, have you ever watched it back?”

“No, I don’t need to; that day will never leave me. I remember every second of it.”

“Do you remember the tackle?”

“Yes and I remember hitting the post, but I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up in the hospital.” Robert smiles at me, “Apparently I wasn’t a very good patient, but I don’t remember that part much.”

“Why does that not surprise me?”

.

We go upstairs to bed when we get in, both exhausted. It’s been a hard day emotionally and we snuggle up with each other. Robert fell asleep pretty much as soon as his head hit the pillow; I can hear his steady breathing. Although we are relaxed in each other’s arms I can’t seem to settle to sleep, the conversations from earlier in the day are bugging me and won’t stop rattling round in my head until I make a decision.

I’m not ready to tell Robert yet, just in case I can’t do it, but I know I want to try. I came back home and I never thought I would and I have been to the farm so I can do it. It’s only my fear holding me back and I’d promised myself I wouldn’t be afraid and I won’t let them win. Robert had said the marks on my back don’t define who I am; well I need the fucking they did with my head to not define me. If I do this, then we’re free; free to choose any future we want.

.

Aaron, Saturday 25th March

The last few days have flown by. I’ve been on my own the entire week as Robert is away training with England; the world cup qualifiers are re-starting with the first game of the year tomorrow at Wembley against Lithuania. It’s the first time Robert will be on the same pitch as Danis since last year, assuming he is playing. Robert hasn’t said much, but the media attention about it has been bubbling in the background and has now picked up massively yesterday and today; they are beginning to make a much bigger deal out of it the closer it gets to the game.

I haven’t pushed him, but I could tell when speaking to him on the phone that he’s beginning to feel the pressure. He told me he doesn’t want me to come to the game because of all the attention; this led to an argument over the phone and we left it last night after both having said some things we didn’t mean. We didn’t have our usual texting session this morning. I look at my watch after getting in from work; he would have normally called by now. We usually leave it for him to call me, depending how his day goes it can be unpredictable.

I had made it clear to Peter that I’m going whether Robert likes it or not and he’s made arrangements for us to go down to London in the morning. I have enough contacts of my own now to make sure I have a ticket as Robert refused to sort one for me; he doesn’t get to decide what I can cope with and what I can’t. We don’t fight often but when we do it’s full on until we calm down.

The weather has been terrible, up north at least; it’s been bouncing it down with rain all day. I still haven’t managed to speak to Robert who is being stubborn and I know I can’t see him until after the game. Partners, I don’t really fit the WAG name tag, are not allowed into the hotel. I don’t have a choice but to go to sleep and wait until after the game but it’s a restless sleep as I’m worried about him with us not having spoken. It wasn’t only me that was badly hurt that week and it’s easy to forget with everything that happened to me that he went through something just as traumatic in its own way. He hides it well to protect me but I know he’s struggling and trying his best not to let anyone notice.

.

Aaron, Sunday 26th March

I’m woken just after two by a banging and think I must be dreaming, but I’m not. I can hear Robert’s voice shouting up at the window. I look out quickly and see him stood outside, the rain drenching him. Only half awake I rush down the stairs to see the night security have already opened the door to him and he is soaked through as he walks into the entrance hall. He practically falls into my arms as I reach him, “Sorry, I forgot my key.”

“You arse.” I don’t know what else to say. I look up seeing the night security check outside. I don’t know him as well as Billy and Peter, so wait for him to come back and nod that everything’s okay before he leaves us alone. Robert is collapsed against me and feels really tense. I hold him until he settles down a little more before I start trying to find out what's going on. When I think he's ready I start to talk to him, “Hey.” I kiss his head, “Do they know you’re gone?”

He shakes his head, “I snuck out.”

“You want to tell me why?”

“Needed to see you; it was getting too much.” Robert has starting shaking, his wet clothes clinging to him.

“How the hell did you get here?”

He glances at me nervously, “Took a leaf out of your book and hitched.”

“I’m impressed, how long did it take you?”

“Mmmh, not long; I made a couple of promises I have to keep.”

“That’s cheating.”

“I don’t care as long as I’m with you tonight.”

“Robert you have to let them know you’re here.”

His voice has that stubborn tone, “No I don’t. I’m not playing.”

“Yes you are. I’ve got my ticket.”

I sense his anxiety rising again, “I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t; why not? Talk to me Robert, why can’t you play?”

I’m distracted suddenly by Peter coming through the front door. He has the lodge on the edge of the estate so he is never too far away. ”Everything alright?”

I nod, “Yes, but can you let someone know that their England captain is here and safe before a mass panic starts when they realise he isn’t there and we’ll need to get him back early doors, though I’m not quite sure what that means on when exactly.”

Robert grips tighter, “I told you I’m not playing.”

Peter grins at me and nods, “I’ll sort it.”

.

“Come on Robert.“ I pull Robert up and push him towards the staircase to go up to our room, “You need to get out of these wet clothes or you’ll be too ill to play and I’ve got a bet on you.”

He looks at me surprised as I practically drag him up the stairs, his arm around my shoulder and mine round his waist. It’s like he’s drunk, but he’s not, he’s stone cold sober, “Since when did you gamble?”

“Since I thought my stubborn shit of a boyfriend was going to score for me.” I grin at him, “Now I have to find a way to get you back in time to even get you on the pitch, never mind bloody score.” Reaching our room, I start pulling his clothes off and leave him to finish undressing whilst I get a towel to dry his hair.

He pulls me into bed and we hold each other, I can hear his phone buzzing, but Robert picks it up and switches it off, “Unimportant.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes I do.”

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie Robert; you’re not as good at it as I am.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“I won’t ever lie to you, so don’t start with me now; talk to me.”

“Remember what I said the other night when you were asking me about Italy?”

“Which bit?”

“When you weren’t here I thought about you all the time, I was so scared and then what happened during the game. I remember it all, but I wished it had killed me.”

“You don’t mean that, you’re not like me Robert.”

“Maybe I’m more like you than you dare to think.”

“No. In this I’m sure; you wouldn’t ever take your own life.”

“I didn’t need to. I was dead inside; without you Aaron it’s like I was dead.”

“You found a way though, you played again, you moved on.”

“Only on the outside, not on the inside; I tried, I really tried but it didn’t mean anything without you.”

“You still pushed me away.”

“I was scared, you made me feel again and I couldn’t cope with that if I couldn’t have you with me. It hurt too much.”

“I know, but that’s all in the past, we’re together now and that’s all that counts. We’re okay right?”

“Yes, you know I didn’t mean what I said last night.”

“Yes. I also know you need to play tomorrow, just like I need to come to the farm with you for lambing. We’ll do it together okay?”

“What if it’s too soon Aaron?”

“We won’t know until we try.” We are holding each other so tightly and I kiss him, “Go to sleep, I’ll come down to London with you and I’ll be with you all the time if that’s what you want.”

“I can’t do this without you.”

“You won’t have to. Not too sure how that fits with the England rules though, the boss might not be too happy with me being there.”

“If he wants me to play he’ll have no choice. I’m not doing it without you with me.”

“We need to keep this out of the papers though. I can just see all the headlines now if they find out.”

“I don’t care about them. I just need you with me.”

“I promised you, I’m not going anywhere, even when you screw up.”

“Make love to me, I want you to make love to me.”

“You need to sleep.”

“No, I need you. I need you inside me.”

He didn’t need to say anything else as our bodies took over and Robert gave himself over to me completely; it’s the most intense we’ve ever been together. I’ve never seen Robert show me his vulnerable side like this before. It’s like he’s been holding it in to protect me but the pressure of having to face Danis on the pitch again meant he couldn’t hide it any longer.

.

We didn’t get much sleep and it’s all too soon when Peter knocks on the door at six; ten minutes later we are in the helicopter, Peter with us. Robert didn’t let go of my hand and slept resting against me the whole journey.

I look at Peter, “Do they know we’re coming?”

He nods.

“What did they say?”

“No-one knows except their head of security at the moment, I know him. The rest don’t even know he left yet.”

“So…., what does that mean?”

“They need him on the pitch; we’ll sort it one way or another.”

It’s just after seven-fifteen when we land in the grounds of the hotel. We both have the hoods up on our coats to hide from any hidden long range cameras just in case as we usher Robert into the hotel through the side door. Their head of security tells us that the manager has been made aware but doesn’t give anything away other than that.

Peter takes Robert upstairs to his room where he gets him to go to bed and get some more sleep whilst I go see the England manager. Just another indication of how bizarre my life has become since letting Robert into my life. It’s all a bit cloak and dagger as they are trying to make it that no-one other the absolute minimum of people know I’m here.

.

The conversation with the manager actually went okay, Peter was right. At the end of the day they know they need Robert on the pitch and we agree on a way to make it work without alerting anyone in the team that he ever left or that I’m here. I don’t know how they managed it, but they did. I went to join Robert afterwards in his room and he slept in my arms until the alarm woke us. We had some quick breakfast in the room which he didn’t leave until just before it was time to set off to Wembley with the team coach. The only thing I had to do was convince him to get on it without me and that he would know I’ll not be far behind with Peter and that we’ll be close by during the game. It took a bit of doing but I got him to accept it, though he insisted on seeing me before the game to help keep him calm. Peter swung that one somehow, smuggling me into the medical area for Robert to come and find me where we sat and talked, just the two of us.

The Robert that everyone saw go onto the pitch was the Robert and captain that they all know and expect. Professional and on form, he even shook Danis’ hand before the game and then he did what he does best, he led his team to victory, scoring from a free kick and set up one of the other two goals.

We had sorted a different seat from where I was originally going to be with the rest of the players guests so I'm not far from the dug-out and with each goal England scored, Robert looked directly at me; it felt like we were connected the entire time. After the final whistle I made my way towards the bottom of the steps; no-one was going to stop Robert as he came round the advertising and pulled me over the wall. He never let go of my hand until he had no choice, we even went down the tunnel together. The only time we separated was whilst I wait for him to get showered and changed.

For once he was excused from doing the interviews and post-match chats; it was clear by this point that the team knew something was going on, but the few people in the know never spilled a word, even Tom never found out. We walked into the function room for the players and families after the game and without talking to anyone headed straight for the bar. Robert ordered four tequila shots and two pints; we drink the tequila one after the other which got us some strange looks that we ignore. We smile at each other and then with our pints join the others as if it had been any old match day.

One down, one to go.

TBC


	41. Mind, Soul And Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron takes control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 40 - 42 together.

Robert, Sunday 2nd April

I close the door, resting my head back against it before going into the kitchen. Everyone has finally left; Chas and Martin the last to go, I thought they would never leave, “I think we need a weekend alone; no visitors, no trips to Scotland and no family.”

“Lightweight.”

“It’s not that, it kind of feels like we never have any time much just for us.”

Aaron finishes loading the last of the pots in the dishwasher, “I thought you like it like this?”

“I know and I do, just lately it feels a bit much; we should have at least one weekend every month just for us.”

“Okay; deal.”

Today we were actually a small group for Sunday roast, just Martin, Chas, Tom Lucy and the kids. I go finish my glass of wine and go put my arms around Aaron, “You still want to do this?”

“Yes.”

“Best get your coat then, we’re walking right?”

“Yep, if that’s okay?”

“Hhm mmh, will be nice after eating so much, I’m fit to burst.”

“That’s because you’re greedy and went back for seconds.”

“It was Martin’s fault, I just followed his lead.”

“It’s never your fault is it Sugden?”

I grin at him, “Course not, perfect little saint that’s me.”

.

We lock the door and head down to the bottom gate and it goes quiet for a while as we walk. We haven’t told anyone we’re doing this, just in case Aaron changes his mind, but I don’t think he will. He’s scared but I’ve never seen him so determined about anything as this.

“It’s your birthday later this month, what do you want to do?”

“Spend it in bed with you.”

“You can’t you have a game remember, it’s the semi-final of the F.A. cup.”

“Crap, well we’ll just have to make up for it when we get home and spend all Sunday in bed instead; definitely no visitors or family meal that day.”

“How on earth did you manage all that time when I wasn’t here if you didn’t sleep with anyone else?”

I smirk at Aaron and tell him the truth, “I had sex a lot with you in my head and with my hand.” I lean over and kiss his cheek.

Aaron smiles at me and continues, “I have no idea what to get you for a present you know, I mean you have everything.”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something; I don’t care as long as we're together at home.”

We aren’t far from Butlers now and can see the farmhouse down the bottom of the fields as we get closer, “How do you want to do this? Moira said the new shed is all built and she seems happy. I think she’s regretting not asking for the whole farm being done purpose built.”

“No idea, let’s just see how it goes when we get there.” He's doing his best not to show how nervous he is, but it's there underneath.

For once we don’t have Peter or any of the security with us; we want to be completely on our own for this other than with family assuming we actually make it through the gate that is. Aaron is becoming increasingly anxious as we make our way round to the front gate, skirting the edge of the main farm complex; we still haven’t sighted anyone. I have to give Aaron his due, he might not have hesitated jumping off the bridge, but neither does he hesitate walking through the gate despite the fear now coming off him in waves. He’s gripping my hand so very tight but we don’t stop as we walk towards the kitchen door.

.

It’s empty when we walk in and I wait to see what Aaron wants to do; he looks white as a sheet but I don’t want to spend the entire time asking him if he’s okay. I know he’s struggling, it’s written all over his face; he’ll tell me what he wants or needs when he’s ready. He leans against the kitchen counter, “You know what I remember the most now about that day?” I shake my head. “The feeling when I gave in agreeing to not ever see you again. That and the smell….., the smell of burning skin and him with his breath in my face; he’d broken me and he knew it.” I hate thinking about what he went through, it’s like they broke his mind, soul and body that day and now he’s fighting to make himself complete again. He’s never really talked specifics since he told me back in the New Year. I’m not even sure to be honest what details Aaron has even told Phillip about what happened; enough, but I suspect not everything.

“You know when Adam found me, I was ashamed he saw me like that; I felt like he could see what they’d done to me even though he couldn’t. I made something up and legged it out of here before he could stop me. It didn’t stop him coming to the pub and telling everyone. They wouldn’t let it drop, him, Cain, mum and Paddy they were all there badgering me to tell them what had happened. The pain was so bad I just focussed on that; they could have talked all night and I wouldn’t have heard them, all I could hear was his voice taunting me and telling me they’d hurt you just the same.”

“Your mum said that Hazel had called and gave you a hard time, have you spoken to her since?”

“I wasn’t listening to her either, I think Cain took the phone off me; I don’t really remember. No I haven’t spoken to Hazel and as far as I know she hasn’t tried to speak to me. I remember speaking to you though.”

“You never said anything; I had no idea.”

“That’s because I didn’t want you to know or worry.”

I stub my foot repeatedly against the table leg, restless and fidgety, “Had you already decided you were leaving when we spoke?”

“Yeah, I just needed to hear your voice one last time.”

We’re both distracted by a clanging outside and it goes quiet between us. Aaron is staring out of the window his hands shoved in his coat pockets; there are voices, but they fade away in another direction. I don’t know what makes me move, but I go outside, I think to get some fresh air more than anything; the kitchen was beginning to feel claustrophobic. I feel Aaron behind me and we walk over to the shed, we can hear the inevitable sounds of the ewes and bleating lambs. I lean against the door looking in and Aaron leans against me, his hands still shoved in his pockets and I put my arm around his shoulder. It’s Andy who sees us first, “You don’t fancy giving a hand do you? Cain is better with engines than sheep.”

Cain stops what he’s doing pulling a face, "Be my guest." However, he turns back watching us intently before carrying on with what he was doing. I look around the shed, the layout is changed and it has a completely different feel to the old one. I had given Moira just one condition when handing over the money; that she gave specific instructions to the builders that absolutely everything left from the old shed had to be destroyed and nothing saved.

We walk over and lean over the railings of the pen where Andy is, I can see Moira watching us and Adam walks in behind us, none of them were expecting to see us. I shoot a quick look at Aaron, his gaze is fixed on the new born in Andy’s hand as he put it close to the mother, then standing up he comes out and joins us on the outside of the pen. Aaron’s eyes don’t move with him, but remain on the ewe and her new born lamb. Moira and Cain never told either Adam or Andy about the night when I burnt the shed down and although they know Aaron refuses to come to the farm, they still believe the version that Aaron had told Adam at the time. Their ignorance is actually helping as Adam puts a lamb in Aaron’s hands with a bottle, “Mother doesn’t want to know; see if you can get them to bond; you used to be good at that.”

Aaron’s face was panicked and for an instant I worried that he might drop both lamb and bottle but he didn’t. He walked over to the pen belonging to the lamb's mother and went inside. I got pulled in another direction and given things to do of my own. Aaron was quiet in the beginning but the banter between Adam and Andy started to pull him out of himself. In the end it is the evening when we leave to go home.

.

After a long soak in the bath we come into the games room where Aaron brings the four shot glasses and tequila over, putting them on the cushion of the snooker table and pouring whilst I set up the table to play. Before we break we drink one straight after the other just like before; one shot for each of us. I think we each had our own silent toasts as we drink, but they each belong to us, never spoken out aloud.

.

Aaron, Sunday 23rd April

It’s already going up-to one and into Sunday, the day isn’t quite going to the original plan. We’re all on the way to being drunk but not there yet; if we don’t leave now, then we’ll end up staying in the nightclub all night and I still have plans. I put my hands over Robert’s eyes, looking across at Tom and a couple of the others in amusement as I whisper into Robert’s ear, “It’s time to go birthday boy, you’ve had enough football celebration; it’s time we did some celebrating of another kind.”

Robert pulls me down into his lap, his hands on my waist, his eyes sparkling; the effects of the last shot of whatever it was beginning to take the edge off both our inhibitions, “Do you know how hot you look tonight? There isn’t a person in here that hasn’t undressed you with their eyes.” I pull him up from the sofa and beckon to him with my finger walking backwards and Robert smiles at me in mock innocence, “There was me thinking we were going to have a quiet night in for my birthday.”

I pull Robert to me, our bodies and eyes seducing each other playfully but just about resisting the kiss, “Oh there’s not going to be anything quiet about tonight; I’m going to make you come for England.” We’re both distracted, laughing at Tom who had spit his drink out at overhearing this; he’s not used to us being so playful in public.

.

We say our goodbyes and I pull Robert out of the night club. I had texted Peter and he had the car waiting to take us home. Robert’s hands are trying to wander, “Not yet; you have to wait.”

“I don’t want to wait.”

“Well now it’s about what I want.”

“It’s my birthday though.”

I eye him up, doing my best to put on an admonishing voice looking at him like he is a naughty schoolboy, “Not anymore it’s not, that was yesterday and you made me wait.” Robert is pouting, he’s just adorable with it and I try to keep a straight face.

“That wasn’t my fault, I didn’t have any choice; you know what they’re like after a game, especially getting to the final of the F.A. cup. I’m captain so I couldn’t say no could I?”

I give him the come on with my eyes, “Don’t worry; it’s given me time to think.”

He leans in, “About?” His mouth is eager to kiss me but I stop him reaching his target with my hand, instead I push him back and now lean in to him. I talk quietly, close to his neck so he can feel my breath and I move my hand to his crotch. I hear a distinct short intake of breath escape from his lips, “I’m going to kiss you when I want to, not when you want me to and when I want to fuck you I will, but not before you beg me to. You see, this between your legs, it’s so hard already I see; well, it might be between your legs, but it belongs to me and I’m going to be the reason you come. You don’t get to say no to me either. You’re going to give me your mind, soul and body until I'm finished with you, you got that?”

He could barely talk as I squeezed hard with my hand, his voice a breathless whimper, “Yes.”

Tonight we are going to play and this time it’s my turn to be in charge, I smile and kiss him hard, “Good, just so we’re clear.”

.

Getting home, Peter knew better; judging we were both pretty much on heat that he didn’t even attempt to come into the house, knowing the night security will be around. I go get the glasses whilst Robert gets the champagne out of the fridge. We’d said we’d celebrate with it whether United win or not with it being Robert’s birthday. I can’t help smiling to myself as I follow him upstairs. I put the bedside light on low, pull the curtains and take off my tie whilst watching him open the bottle. He pours us both a glass and we stand opposite each other; after clinking the glasses against each other we drink the first glass pretty much down in one without saying a word, our eyes locked. I wave my empty glass in front of him, impatient for a refill. Robert still has the bottle in his hand and grins at me as he fills our glasses up and then puts the bottle down on the floor by our feet.

We take a drink and kiss; hard but affectionate, our bodies touching. We both know tonight is going to be a mix of passion filled, hard sex, when I want it and how I want it and I know Robert can’t wait; it’s written all over his face, he’s just waiting for me to start it off. We take another drink, draining our glasses once more. I take his glass from him and put it on the side, “Strip.”

I watch Robert take his clothes off, he’s not fussing but instead he takes his time so I can enjoy it; he sees my eyes wandering up and down his body. Completely naked he returns to stand in front of me. I fill my glass and put the champagne bottle on the dresser next to Robert's glass.

.

I take a drink and put my hand on his shoulder, pressing downwards; Robert sinks onto his knees and waits for me to instruct him. I put my hand on his head, pressing him to me; my hand guiding his face over my crotch and I grab onto his hair for better leverage. He knows better than to try to do anything until I give him the signal he’s allowed to. We don’t play this game often, but when we do there are rules, “Blow me.”

He undoes my belt and unzips my trousers and takes me in his mouth, he feels amazing. I’ve been hard since we were in the car home; we both have. I dip my fingers in my glass and I pull his head back and push them in his mouth making him suck, wetting them again so he can taste the champagne before pulling him back onto my dick. I close my eyes, enjoying the wet and warmth of his mouth. I keep my hand on his head, guiding him when I want some particular attention in a certain spot but he knows what I like, “Play with it, that’s it, if you want me you have to earn it.”

Dipping my fingers again in the glass, I drain the glass of champagne into my mouth whilst pushing my fingers in front of his face, moving him off my dick. “Lick my fingers. That’s it, guess where they’re going; do you want them inside you?”

“Yes.”

Robert’s eyes are telling me how much he wants it, burning with desire; he turns me on so much, “Are you sure?”

I push my fingers one last time into his mouth deep down his throat and then push him back to give attention to my dick, “Yes, oh god yes, tease me like that Robert, fucking hell you’re so hot when you do that. That’s it, lick. Kiss it, kiss my dick, that’s it, just the head, oh you’re so fucking good at that; you are amazing, ” He goes down on me and my head falls back as I feel his mouth working my hard shaft. “I want you to worship me, that’s it, take it all in, suck it down, drool all over it, yeah all of it; just like that, god your tongue makes me feel things I didn't think possible.”

I push him off me, slightly roughly so he has to steady himself with his hand on the floor. Robert’s mouth is very good and I have to be careful not to get too close. “Get on the bed, on all fours; show me that beautiful arse of yours.”

.

I pull my clothes off and lightly stroke myself whilst drinking in the sight of his body ready and waiting for me, “That’s it, face down; arse up.” I lick my fingers and stand at the edge of the bed and start teasing with the one finger and taking my time before pushing it inside him, I keep ratcheting up the ante with two, then three fingers. “Squirm, show me you like it; you have to earn my mouth.” I spank his backside and smile at the response it gets as his head kicks back and his eyes roll with excitement.

"Find my fingers if you want them Robert, don't make me do all the work." His hole finds my hand and I push inside him, stretching and teasing. I consider increasing to four fingers but he doesn't like that as much and he’s already loose enough. I'm getting impatient with my own game, I want to taste him, “Come here, I’m going to eat you out. Is that what you want?” I reposition him slightly, my fingers rubbing over his hole and he’s moaning begging me for my tongue, “So fucking beautiful, look at that, just beautiful. Yeah, that’s right moan for me.” I push inside him with my tongue and Robert is pretty much mine for the taking, he’s completely turned on and stroking himself which I didn’t actually tell him he could, but it’s hot knowing how much he likes this that I don’t stop him.

“If you want it, you’ve got to beg for it.”

“Oh fuck, oh fuck you don’t know what you do to me.”

“Oh I do Robert. I know exactly what I do to you. Tell me you want it.”

“I want it, I want you; I need you. Please, I want you inside me more than anything.”

“Be careful what you wish for Robert.“ I spit on my hand, lubricating my dick with it and then push inside him; I haven’t used any lube but we’ve spent a long time playing and I want him to feel it without. We stopped using condoms at the end of February after I got tested and he can feel all of me as I thrust into him, holding onto his hips and he’s pushing back against me and I can tell he wants to move position, “How’s this feel? Let me see you squirm, you’re not squirming enough. His back arches and he lets out a loud groan as I piston in and out of him, “Settle down. Can you feel that in your arse, can you feel it, does it feel good? It feels good doesn’t it, you like that don’t you?”

“Fuck me Aaron; fuck the come out of me. Oh god, give to me harder, deeper, I want to feel all of you.” I slow down, pushing as deep as it’s possible to go. I hold still a moment, pressing into him as I scratch my fingers deliberately slowly down his back, leaving a trail of red marks. He turns me on no end as he whimpers; he doesn't know which sensation is controlling him the most.

“Patience Robert.” I smack his arse, leaving a second hand print before pulling out to move him onto his back. Holding his legs out to the side, I’m soon pushing inside him, my rhythm steady; Robert has his eyes closed, his lips parted as my hand starts jerking him off at the same time, “Squirm more for me, come on show me you want it.” He’s got that look on his face as I push against his prostate; his dick is almost ready to burst in my hand, “You ready, you want to come? I like to listen to you; louder Robert, tell me how much you want it. Aww you love it don’t you?”

.

I see the change happening in his entire body, “Oh god Aaron, you’re going to make me come. Can I come?”

“No, not until I tell you. Look at me, look at me Robert, that’s it. I love how you look, you’re eyes begging me.” I pull out and move to kneel by his face, “You are so sexy, I want to make you gag for it; suck my dick, I want you to suck it really good. Suck it, you have to earn it Robert. Do you want me, do you want me inside you again Robert? Next time I’m going to be so far up inside you that it’ll feel like I’m going to split you in two and you’re going to beg me for more, you’re going to tell me how much you like it.” I strain as I can feel my come building, I know I’m getting close, “Yes, yes I love it, I love you fucking me with your mouth. Take it Robert, don’t fucking stop.” My head snaps back as I try and channel the need to come and hold it, “I’m going to be nice to you Robert, I’m going to make you come so hard, I know you like that. Make love to my dick, mmhhh oh you suck it so well. I got a treat for you; I know you’re going to like it.”

I move back and push his legs so his knees are pushed over, practically on the bed either side of his head, his arse hole pointing upwards, “Are you ready…..? Ah yeah look at that hole, I love your hole, that’s it. I can’t wait to fuck your arse again, my fingers and my mouth playing a little more eliciting more moans and begging, “Fucking hell Rob, yeah. ...., ohh....., oh yes that’s it, argh....., oh yes, you like that?”

“Yes, yes I love it.”

He’s playing with his dick, “Hands down, I didn’t say you could touch yourself.” Robert’s hands move up his front, he’s sucking his fingers. He’s so turned on he doesn’t know what to do with himself and I push down into him. “That’s it, tell me you like it. Tell me how much you love me fucking you.”

“You’re dick is so hot, more Aaron, I want you to fuck me harder than you've ever fucked me before.” I’m driving into him and Robert is zoning out. I’m close and frantic with my own need. I pull his legs back down so they are either side of me for me to get to more of him and I start jerking him off with my hand, “Spread those legs, yeah that’s it; get that dick hard for me, get it hard. There you go....., come on, show me how much you like it; that’s it, I love fucking your ass hole. That’s it....., take it.”

“More....., don't stop; I'm begging you, don't stop. Oh god Aaron, I’m so close, I’m so close. Oh fuck, oh yes, I’m going to come....., aw yeah, aw yeah I’m going to come; yes oh my god, Jesus Mary and Joseph.“

I pull out frustrating his need to come and moving to kneel by his head I pull his mouth over my dick to make me come instead. I come all over his face, my fingers and dick scooping it up and pushing into his mouth, “Yes, suck it, suck it clean; all of it Rob, make sure you get all of it and then I want to watch you come for me; then I’ll let you come.”

.

When he's finished cleaning my length, I move back to kneel in-between his legs. He has his eyes closed whilst my hand is jerking him off once more but now my finger is inside him pressing on his prostate at the same time. It’s such a turn on still watching his expressions, he licks his lips getting ever closer with every jerk of my hand, “Come, on there we go; I can feel it, can you feel it Robert?” He moans in acknowledgement, I know exactly how on the edge he is by now, “You want to come for me?”

He's panting and writhing to my hands controlling his senses, “Yes, can I come Aaron? Please Aaron I’m going to come.”

“Hold it for me Robert, I’ll tell you when you can come, not yet, not yet.” I wait until I know he won’t be able to hold it any longer. We can read other completely when it comes to judging how much we can take, “Yes, come for me, I want you to come for me now.”

I can sense his relief, “Yes, yes, oh god, I’m going to come, I’m coming.”

“I can fucking feel it, you’re so close, I know you need to come, fuck yeah, keep fucking my hand.” Robert’s abs are tightening, his whole body is taut. “Come on Robert, don't make me wait; oh that looks so hot, you are so hot.” Robert’s come starts spurting out into my hand, warm and milky.

“Argh, argh, yes; don’t stop, don’t stop.” Robert’s body arches as he tries to cope with the orgasm flowing though him, my fingers still pushing on his prostate heightening the experience.

“That’s it; come on, come on, there you go, fuck yes. So fucking hot, you’re still coming, so unbelievably hot.” I keep milking him, I love watching him like this; he is totally breath-taking and then it’s even more of a turn on when he suddenly goes past the point where the pleasure turns to torment.

“Argh, oh my god, stop, you have to stop I can’t take it anymore. It’s too much, it’s too much. Oh you fucking arse. I’m smiling at him as his hands fight mine and eventually he gets the better of me, moving my hands away from his over-sensitive dick. He pushes me onto my back and collapses on me breathing heavily, “Fuck me.”

“I believe I just did Mr Sugden. Does that mean you didn’t like it? Or maybe you want to start round two already?”

“I loved it. I just need....., I just....., a few minutes....., maybe longer.” His beautiful face looks at me begging for respite.

I lean over and kiss him and then lick the rest of his come off my fingers, smiling contentedly at him, “Okay, I do realise you’re not as young as you used to be.” His head rolls to the side smiling at me and I know he‘ll make me pay for saying that when I least suspect it. I can’t help grinning at him, watching him still trying to recover, “Happy birthday Robert Sugden.”

We are lying together, our bodies hot and wet with perspiration, “Aaron I’d wait for you a lifetime; you’re incredible do you know that?”

We kiss an exhausted kiss and I can't resist a smile, stealing Robert's line, “It’s been said.”

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to check I can still write the sex after all that angst. I got a little carried away if you couldn't tell. It had to be done though....


	42. Long-time No See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and United end the season on a high note; Premiership champions and now winning the F.A. Cup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 40 - 42 together.

Robert, Saturday 20th May

I’d promised Aaron after all the celebrations this last week from being Champions that we’d keep it a little more low-key today. We’re going to fly from London tonight to go visit Isa for a holiday and rest before I have to be back to start training with England by the first of June. The next world cup qualifier is against Scotland on the tenth of June up in Scotland. Jamie was so excited when we told him that they were all invited and this is even before we tell him what we’ve arranged. The mascots were all sorted a long time ago, but I put in a special request and he’s going to walk out on the pitch at the front in the middle of me and the captain of Scotland, holding both our hands. Meg is in two minds when to tell him; she’s worried he might die from the excitement I think and he won’t be able to keep it a secret, so the plan at the moment is to tell him when he gets there on the day.

Today I’m happy to celebrate with a quiet drink after having just won the F.A. Cup. I’ve just finished giving the last of the interviews for the day and walk into the hospitality room for the players at Wembley; most of our friends and families are here. Chas and Lucy are chatting away, the kids all running round causing mayhem and I walk over seeing Aaron with Martin and Tom who had got away before me. It’s been a really good season but I’m glad it’s almost over; I’m ready for a break and we’re both looking forward to a holiday. If I think back to how I was this time last year, I didn’t think I’d ever see Aaron again; I didn’t even know if he was alive and I had no intentions of playing football again. I wouldn’t have believed anyone if they’d have told me where we would be now, happy together and that I’m planning to ask Aaron to marry me in France. We still have plenty of time, there’s no rush to actually get married and I’m not bothered if we don’t tell anyone. I just want Aaron to know I only ever want to be with him; I’m not too sure he’s into the whole wedding thing anyway.

After a couple of drinks I see Peter signal to us that it’s time to go if we are going to get our flight from Heathrow. I squeeze Aaron’s shoulders after putting my glass down on the table, “I forgot my jacket; it’s downstairs. I’ll be back in a minute and then we can get off.” Aaron smiles at me knowingly; he has that same smile as his mum sometimes. I’m the neat freak at home, but am forever forgetting things when I put them down somewhere when we are out and about.

.

I rush downstairs and go looking for where I left my jacket, saying hello to people as I go, but not stopping to chat otherwise I’ll get a telling off for being late. Aaron is looking forward to getting away even more than me. “Ah there it is.” I see my jacket over the back of the chair in the press conference room where I’d been earlier. It's almost deserted with just a handful of people milling around in the doorway preparing to leave and go up-to the bar no doubt. I have to escape getting caught for more chat by quickly diving into the loo; it will save me having to go when I get back upstairs.

Someone comes in just after me, but I don’t take notice at first until he speaks and I glance across at the person in the space next to me. “Long-time no see Robert; you look to be doing well again? We should catch up have a drink sometime, just for old time’s sake.”

“Alex.” I don’t respond to the invite, I have no intention of going anywhere with him. I don’t make a habit of looking, but in his case I give him the once over disdainfully; I want him to see how much he disgusts me, but I know my expression changed after catching the edge of a tattoo on his lower abdomen. I glare at him whilst at the same time trying to see if he noticed and not give away that I had; he’s just got that same supercilious smile on his face that he always did. I zip myself up, trying not to rush or show my panic and go steadily to wash my hands as if everything is normal. I glance down just a second to get some soap from the dispenser which is sticking and when I look back up into the mirror he’s next to me. Staring at him through the mirror I can see it in his eyes that he knows I know. “I didn’t know you worked for the media these days?”

“A new direction, a change is as good as a rest or so they say. Do you like it?”

“Like what?”

“My tattoo.”

“Very patriotic.” Our eyes are locked in the mirror and I know I need to get out of here; I make my move to leave but he blocks my path. I elbow him in the face and we start to grapple with each other. I’m fit and agile, definitely no weakling but he’s as tall as me and is deceptively strong which takes me by surprise. We are fighting hard but we are suddenly both still as I feel the sharp tip of a blade pressing into my side. He grabs hold of my hair pulling my head back and pushing me up against the sink vanity unit; its quiet except from our heavy breathing from the exertion of fighting. I’m willing the door to open and for someone to walk in. 

“It always helps to be prepared don’t you think?” I can feel my panic rising as he smiles at me in the mirror, holding me in place with the threat of the knife and rubbing himself up against me from behind making sure I feel how hard he is. “Just keep calm Robert, that’s it, calm down.”

.

I can feel the pressure of the knife increasing and I'm thinking desperately what to do; I need to buy some time, “Why?”

“He destroyed my life with his fist that day. It was only right I returned the favour. Within hours my big clients had all dropped me or were in the process of dropping me. You don’t do that to someone like me and get away with it. It was never about you Robert, it was always about him.”

“You did that to yourself with your games and your malicious spite. He told me, he told me everything; it was barbaric what you did to him.”

“You have your ways and I have mine. You see I have my beliefs and well I have some friends who share the same views as I do. Every now and again we express them in a way that you don’t forget too readily and with him it was personal. I had to teach the little lamb a lesson he wouldn’t forget.”

My eyes keep darting to the door in the hope that someone is still in the room and not already gone up-to the bar. "What now huh? You want to rape me like you did Aaron?"

His coarse laugh is cruel, “Would you like that hey? I can see why you like him, he certainly has talents.”

I practically spit my words, “Fuck you. You won’t ever get near him again do you understand?”

“I’ll always be with him, you know that. He’ll always belong to me.”

“Aaron doesn’t belong to anyone except himself.”

“I have to say he’s a brave little lamb for telling you. I didn’t think he had it in him to come back to you; quite an impressive little lamb." I struggle but the knife just digs deeper, I can feel the trickle of blood and his grip becomes more vice-like. "Do you know what I enjoyed the most?” The sadistic sound of his voice is chilling, “Breaking him and he did break Robert; he screamed until there was nothing left to break.”

I glare into his eyes through the mirror defiantly, “But you didn’t break him; he’s stronger than you. He came home and we’re happier now than we ever were.”

“It’s such a pity then, that you won’t get to see how happy the little lamb makes me when he’s begging for his life and I break him all over again. I did tell him I’d make you watch me kill him, but I’ve changed my mind. This time you won't be alive for him to come home to.”

.

“Arrgh,” I feel the knife drive into me, he watches me through the mirror, my eyes widening from the shock of knowing the blade has entered my body. I’m trying to get him off me, but my body isn’t listening to my brain. Strangely I can’t feel anything and I’m having difficulty concentrating on what he’s saying to me. I attempt to cry out for help, but his hand is over my mouth muffling any sound I manage to make. He's pressing me against the unit, once more rubbing himself against me; the glint in his eyes belying how much he is getting off on the control.

“I think I’m going to enjoy saying hello to the little lamb after all this time. Stop fighting it Robert; just accept it, that’s it. You didn’t think I would let you win did you?” It feels like a sharp punch when he stabs the knife in a second time and my knees buckle under me. My vision starts to blur and he’s helping me lie down; it's almost as if he cares. I’m on my front with my hands pressing down on the floor fighting to lift myself, but I can hardly push myself up. I have no strength and I'm shaking as I collapse back down.

My eyes are still open as I lie on the floor unable to move with my face resting to the side. I see Alex’s feet moving around; I think he is washing his hands and then I see him walk out through the door, watching it close behind him. I want to shout out but I can’t, I can’t do anything but lie here in the quiet until my eyelids start to close and everything stops.

TBC


	43. Don’t You Dare Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being found unconscious, Robert is rushed to hospital where everyone waits to see if he'll pull through surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never liked the title to chapter 42 and didn’t get round to changing it, but I have now. Thanks to S_a for the suggestion.
> 
> There was too much to cram into 2 chapters so the story will run to 45 which will definitely be the last chapter. Chapter 44 is drafted so just need to finish playing with it and should be posted sometime during this week.
> 
> PC = Police Constable  
> DS = Detective Sergeant

Aaron, Saturday 20th May

Robert has been gone ages and Peter is beginning to fret about the time. I have to smile seeing a text from Robert that he must have sent on his way out, ‘Love u xxx’. He’s been doing stuff like this all week, the soppy sentimental so and so, but he knows me too well and that it just makes me melt. I fire a quick text back telling him to hurry up and then go over to mum, “We’re off in a minute so we’ll see you when we get back alright.”

“Enjoy yourselves love," mum looks around for Robert, "Where’s trouble?”

“Gone to fetch his jacket, he left it somewhere; I swear he’d lose his head if it wasn’t attached.” Peter is frowning unhappily making me smile; Robert has probably got caught chatting, he can’t help himself. “I’ll text you when we get there okay.”

“Have fun; say hi to Isa for me and behave yourselves.”

I grin at her whilst thinking I hope Isa knows what she’s taken on inviting us to stay, “Where’s the fun in that?” Mum smiles back at me with a glint in her eye; I give her a kiss and head across to Peter, “Come on, let’s go find him on the way out; he’ll be talking, you know what he’s like, him and his ego.”

“You’d think that he’d had enough of that already today. The traffic’s busy and you know how grumpy he gets when we’re late and have to rush.”

I pull a face and raise my eyebrows, “You sound just like him and who’s being grumpy now?”

“Watch it you.” I get the death stare, making me smirk as we go downstairs to look for his lordship but there’s no sign of him. The receptionist says that she thinks he went back to the press area; she phones through for us but there’s no answer and Robert is still not answering his phone when I try him again. Peter has security to go everywhere the same as Robert but I don’t; however, Peter can be stubborn and in the end the security man agreed to me going with him but insisted on coming with us. The reception area for the conference room is empty so we first take a quick look into the bar used by the media next door, but we don’t see him there either and after asking a few reporters we know, we’re told he was in the conference room just a short while ago.

.

Opening the door, the conference room is pitch dark but it’s one those rooms where the lights come on automatically when you walk in. It looks completely empty; Peter looks annoyed but I can tell he’s now getting really worried and he’s not the only one. We both know Robert wouldn’t miss a flight for the sake of a jacket; he would just leave it behind.

The security guy comments that he clearly isn’t in here and wants to make for the door again but Peter stops, walking over to a chair further down the room. “This is Roberts isn’t it?” He picks up a jacket from over the chair and holds it up.

After walking over for a closer look I nod and pull out my phone to call him again, “Is his phone in the pockets?”

Peter checks and shakes his head, “No.” I see him start to look around, going behind the curtain of the podium but nothing and then looking where else there is to check. Robert’s phone is ringing same as it has all the other times we have called it; the only difference this time is that we hear his phone actually ringing. We all look at each other surprised and then try to work out where it could be. Peter tells the security man to stay with me and heads towards the toilets, which seems to be where the ringing of Robert’s phone is coming from.

Hardly through the door Peter yells my name. It’s like time stands still and I just know something is really wrong; he calls me a second time, his voice more desperate jolting me into movement.

I stare, frozen to the spot upon seeing him trying to stem the flow of blood whilst talking to Robert, hoping to get him to wake up and open his eyes. I’ve never seen that much blood in one place; Peter is already covered in it, shock written all over his face, “He’s been stabbed. Get an ambulance....., now and the police; see if the club doctors are still upstairs. You need to hurry; you need to really hurry.” The security man behind me is stepping back into the main room, already on the phone to get help.

.

Peter looks back to me, “Get towels or something, anything Aaron; we need to stop his blood loss, anything you can.” I don’t react at first, I can’t stop staring. Peter speaks firmly to me again, “Aaron.”

I pull myself together, “Towels, I’m on it.” There aren’t any in here and I don’t see anything we can use anywhere in the conference room. I run into the bar ignoring all the odd stares I’m getting as I grab hold of the barman, “Towels or serviettes or whatever you have that’s clean. I need something stop someone bleeding to death.” There’s a quietening around us as some of the people had clearly heard what I’d said. He hesitates a couple of seconds but after seeing the look on my face, he springs into action and passes me a pile of clean tea towels and I run out as quickly as I had run in; the press not far behind grabbing their stuff, a mix of concern and no doubt in the realisation that there’s a story unfolding right under their noses. I ignore them, racing back to Peter and Robert. There's already more security people arrived and they hold off the press now clamouring to find out what’s going on, wanting to know if it’s Robert who is hurt. Kneeling with Peter, I hand him what he needs and watch him do his best to stop Robert bleeding out; there is just so much blood, “Tell me he’s still alive Peter; please tell me he’s still breathing.”

He looks at me, his expression full of disbelief at what has happened, “Barely. He needs a doctor; there should still be ambulances around outside, where the hell are they.” My hand is resting on Robert’s cheek, his face is deathly white and he’s not responsive to anything I say to him. Finally, the club doctor arrives and I have to leave to give him space; Robert is taking up a lot of the floor space so there isn’t a lot of room in the toilets for too many people. About thirty seconds later an ambulance crew comes in and Peter is also pushed out. We stand there looking at each other, the gravity of Robert’s condition beginning to sink in as we listen to the doctor and paramedics work on him. I look at my hands in front of me, I’m now also covered in blood, the realisation hits me that it's Robert’s blood and I start to shake.

Questions start to form in my head and I look across to Peter, “We should have come looking sooner; we shouldn’t have left him. Why did we leave him so long? How long do you think he’s been in there like that?”

"I don't know Aaron." I’m shaking so badly now that Peter has to come over to try and calm me down, “He’ll be okay Aaron; he’s strong and stubborn just like you.” He holds me to him, it helps but not much; I’ve never felt so desperate. I don’t notice the amount of police that have come into the room or even that Martin has joined us; his face turning ashen upon seeing the state of us.

Peter is struggling as much as I am and starts to pace up and down whilst I remain stock still, unable to move. I'm petrified that we were too late and the waiting is agony, "What's taking them so long?" No one can answer me though as our eyes remain glued on the door of the toilets, waiting for any sign of movement to bring Robert out.

It feels like an age until they appear with Robert, laying him down on the waiting trolley. There are tubes everywhere but my eyes are fixed only on Robert’s face whilst they get ready to take him to the ambulance; he is still just as deathly white and unresponsive as when we first found him. I look at Peter and Martin, "I'm going with them; I'm not leaving him."

Peter nods, “We’ll be right behind you. We’ll let the family know and get them down here.” I barely hear him I’m so concentrated on Robert as we make our way outside. The press has been moved back, but there’s the flash of cameras and yells from reporters as we get into the waiting ambulance, the sound of the siren finally drowning everything out. I feel the first tear fall down my cheek whilst all I can do is watch and pray as the paramedics continue to try to help Robert fight to stay alive.

.

Robert has been in surgery for hours; Vic, Diane and Andy have all arrived and are waiting with me and mum. Martin and Peter are somewhere trying to find out what’s going on with the police. They already interviewed us earlier after taking mine and Peter's bloodied clothes and DNA swabs, but we couldn’t tell them anything other than he went to get his jacket and didn’t come back upstairs. I’m tired as I sit on the floor, my head leaning back against the wall; I hate hospitals, it reminds me of Jackson and this just makes me feel even sadder.

Eventually a doctor appears and is heading towards us; he speaks directly to Diane with Vic and Andy at either side of her, “The surgery went as well as we could have hoped for.” The relief amongst us is palpable and I stand up off the floor moving closer, “There were complications and we struggled to stop the bleeding which is why it took longer than expected.”

My impatience gets the better of me, “Can we see him?”

“Five minutes only and just two at a time; he’s being moved into recovery so the nurse will come and fetch you when he’s settled. Don’t expect him to be communicative or even awake; he’s going to be very out of it for quite some time, he needs time to rest.”

“He will be okay though; he can still play?”

“It’s too early to say. He’s still in a critical condition, but he's stable and that's a good sign. We need to give him the night and assess in the morning with some further tests.” I want to ask more but I bite my tongue, knowing from experience that until Robert wakes up that we won’t know anything for sure.

.

Vic and Diane go into see him first whilst I stand and watch through the window with mum holding my hand, “He’ll be fine, just you see.” I look at her, I’m not as convinced as she is; she didn’t see how bad it was.

I get to go in together with Andy. Robert’s eyes are closed the whole time with just the sound of the machines breaking the stark silence; Andy can’t bear it and leaves giving me a minute alone with him. I stroke his forehead with my fingers softly, “Hey you, don’t you dare leave me. This was a two-way deal remember; you promised me.” I fight back the tears, he is so still and pale and I hastily wipe a stray tear away as the nurse comes in. I kiss his cheek, “I love you Robert Sugden.” A tear had landed on his face and I kiss it away before reluctantly leaving; there was no sign he had heard, but he knows how much I love him.

There are already armed officers posted outside his room when I walk out to the others who seem to be mid discussion about who is staying and who is going to a hotel for the night. As far as I’m concerned I’m going no-where; mum and Peter see I’m not going to be dissuaded and soon give up trying. I intend to be here when he wakes up and I go back to watching him through the window.

.

The investigating officers who had taken our statements earlier are talking to the nurse and the tension rises inside me as they turn to walk towards us. I can’t hold back, “Do you know who it was?”

“We’re still trying to piece everything together Mr Livesy.”

“So you have no sodding idea then?” I can’t hide my anger, shrugging off Peter’s hand on my arm. I ask the same question I asked earlier but hadn’t got a response one way or the other, “Why would someone do this? Do you think it could be the same people who attacked me last year?”

“Mr Livesy we can’t rule anything out at the moment, you need to give us time. You’ve said yourself it doesn’t fit with how they threatened you. However, you’ve actually given us very little information to go on about what exactly did happen to you and still refuse to give a full statement.”

“It doesn’t matter what they did; I've told you what they said, that's more important.“ I pace up and down agitated, none of this makes sense; it’s been going round my head on repeat since we got to the hospital. They had threatened to kill me and make him watch, not this but my gut feel tells me it has something to do with what happened to me. “There has to be a connection, why else would anyone attack Robert like this?”

“That’s what we need to try and work out. You are sure you haven’t received any threats or any recent incidents that might have given reason or cause for any kind of attack on either of you?”

“No. Everything’s been normal, we were going on holiday.” I suddenly think I haven’t even told Isa. “Isa....., someone needs to tell Isa we won’t be there.”

Peter speaks up, “She knows Aaron, I called her and it’s all over the news.”

The detective speaks to Peter, almost as if I’m not here, “There’ll be a round the clock armed watch on both Mr Sugden and Mr Livesy. Considering the attack on Mr Livesy last year and that there may be a link, we should consider putting him into a safe house until we try and work out if there is any further threat to either of them.“

I butt in, “I’m not leaving here.” I see Peter’s look, “No Peter, I’m staying with Robert. Anyway at least this way they only need watch the one place if we're together." He doesn’t fight me on it now, but I know by the look on his face that he’ll come back to it. The only thing that is important to me right now is for Robert to wake up.

.

Aaron, Sunday 21st May – Early Hours

I’m woken by a noise, but when I sit up rubbing my eyes, I realise it’s just Peter shifting position. We’ve both been sleeping on the chairs in the family room across the corridor from Robert. I get up stretching; the armed officers monitor me as I go stand quietly with my head resting against the window of his room and watch him sleep for a while.

No-one is allowed in to see him during the night other than the nursing staff but I’m restless and not really in the mood for trying to go to sleep again. I go feel in my coat pocket for some cigarettes but remember I had taken them out. I only smoke a couple of times a week but I’d promised Robert to try and stop completely; I need one now though. I ask a passing nurse if there is a cigarette machine, which being a hospital there isn’t; this just makes me even more desperate for a smoke. I tell the officers that I’m going to go find somewhere to buy cigarettes but I’m told that I’m not allowed to go anywhere on my own and they'll get someone to bring me some.

A PC eventually appears with the pack of fags I’d asked for and we go downstairs. I'm oddly amused that despite having my own armed escort and a PC with me, that I still have to light up in the designated smoking shelter. I sit down on the floor, ignoring the bench and making it clear that I don't want to chat. The cigarette feels good and is slowly helping me to relax along with getting some fresh air. I look across to the two armed guards posted at the hospital entrance; then after taking a drag on the cigarette, my attention moves from them to the hospital gates where it’s amazing how many of the press is still here, even now in the middle of the night. Thankfully they aren’t allowed inside.

I cast my mind back once more to see if I can’t think of anything that has happened or a reason; I mean why now after all this time? Maybe the police are right; it could just be some random fan with a grudge or some nutter who doesn’t have any reason. I just have this nagging doubt though that it’s not that simple. My cigarette is finished all too quickly and I consider having a second one but I can hear Robert chastising me in my head already and resist the urge, smiling to myself that even unconscious in his hospital bed he has a sway over me.

.

Aaron, Sunday 21st May – Late Morning

Robert woke up about an hour ago and the doctors have been in with him for quite a while doing whatever tests they need to do. Diane and everyone are back but no-one looks like they really got any sleep. We’re waiting for them to tell us when we can see him; I’m so impatient to see him properly but the police seem to want to get in there first which is killing me as they’ll probably take forever, when all I want is to make sure he’s okay. When the police finally get the go ahead to speak to Robert, they are told to take it easy on him and the doctor then starts chatting to Diane. I’m not listening, instead I'm watching Robert and he's staring back; we hardly take our eyes off each other. The police surprisingly come out pretty quick and walk over to me. “He wants to see you. He point blank refuses to even start talking to us until he’s seen you.”

I look at Diane and the others and she nods, “You go in pet if that’s what he wants; just tell him we love him and we’ll be in soon okay?”

I nod back and go into Robert’s room, closing the door behind me. It’s quieter than it was during the night, with fewer machines whirring and beeping. I go and sit in the chair by the bed, pulling it as close as I can get and hold his hand, but it’s not enough and I lean over, kissing him softly on his mouth, “I was so scared I was going to lose you Robert.”

“Sorry.”

I grin, “So you should be. God I love you so much, do you know that?”

“Come ‘ere.”

I move in close again. “What?”

“I love you too.” We kiss again, our faces staying close until I reluctantly sit back down. I don’t let go of his hand and he squeezes it, albeit weakly; he’s still pale but he seems properly alert.

“Did you see who it was?”

“Shhh.” He pauses, closing his eyes to rest an instant before re-opening them, “I want to ask you something.”

“Okay.”

“Will you marry me?”

“What?” I smile unbelievingly, slightly shaking my head at him, “You’re seriously asking that now?”

“Yes, we don’t need to tell anyone, it can be just us and the hospital chaplain for all I care. I just want to marry you.”

“Maybe one day, there’s no rush is there?”

“No, except I want you to know how much I love you.”

“I already do. I don’t need a ring or to change my name for that.”

He smiles at me, “Does that mean you’d be a Sugden?”

“Don’t know, not thought about it.” I laugh a little to myself; I honestly never really thought about it seriously. “You have a weird sense of timing.”

“I’ll have you know my timing is impeccable; marry me Aaron, say yes.”

“Okay, yes; yes I’ll marry you, but not here and not just yet okay.”

“That’s good enough for me. Aaron Sugden, I like the sound of that.”

“Don’t go getting ahead of yourself; I have to think about that and I get to choose when okay?”

Robert nods, a weak smile on his face, “There’s something else.”

I worry what other ideas he may have woken up with, “No kids, I’m not ready for kids just yet.”

Robert pulls a face at me, “No it’s not that; it’s something else.” His face goes serious, “I do know who it was; I know who stabbed me.” I don’t say anything but I feel a sudden knot in the pit of my stomach. “He said he was the one who....., he was the one who hurt you.” I stare at Robert not knowing what to say, “You said you didn’t want anyone to know; that you didn’t know what you’d want if they ever found him. Aaron, I don’t have to tell them if you don’t want; it’s up-to you.”

.

I sit back properly in the chair, taking a minute to consider this, absorbing what he’s said. For some unknown reason I hadn’t expected him to actually recognise who'd done it. I have to know first, I need to know before I can decide what we do with it, “Tell me; tell me who it was.”

“Alex Lazenby.”

“What?” I’m taken aback by this, “You’re sure?”

“He was stood right next to me taking a leak and I saw the tattoo like you described. He was gloating Aaron, he said he’d come looking for you, that he’d make you beg for your life and break you all over again.”

I’m still trying to comprehend it was Alex, “You believe him?”

“He meant it Aaron, he wants to hurt you; I could see it in his eyes. He blames you for ruining his life; he lost most of his clients after what happened with you last year.”

“Why now though? I’ve been home ages, why wait all this time?”

“I don’t know, but it felt like he wasn’t going to wait any more. I’m scared for you Aaron.”

“I don’t understand why I didn’t recognise him. I mean they had balaclavas on the whole time, but I’ll never forget the sound of his voice that day. I know I only met Alex the once but it sounded nothing like him.”

“How many other people do we know with a tattoo like that and has a grudge against us; against you?”

I’m still struggling to wrap my head round it all, but I’ve my mind up, “Tell them.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes. Robert he almost killed you and I know what it’s like to live in fear. If they don’t catch him, that’s what it’s going to be like the rest of our lives. I don’t want to be like that again or that we’re always looking over our shoulder with security breathing down our necks all the time. I want us to be free to live how we want, where we want and do what we want.”

“Okay, but if they find him, you would need to go to court unless they only charge him with trying to kill me. You need to think about what you want.”

“The police have already seen my back so this lot’ll likely find some of it out anyway.” I shrug my shoulders, “Just because you tell them he admitted to being one of them who attacked me, it doesn’t mean I have to tell them anything else or go to court. Unless he confesses we'd never prove it.” I take a deep breath glancing at everyone out in the corridor, “Anyway they have to find him and arrest him first.”

TBC


	44. Bait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron clash about the proposed plan to corner Alex.

Robert, Sunday 21st May – Early Afternoon

Aaron looks nervous when he returns from having a cigarette. It's weird smelling smoke on him; I'm not used to it. The two DS, Makins and Tolliver, followed him in, accepting this was the deal; no Aaron, no statement. He’s quiet, holding my hand as I tell them what had happened with Alex and that he had admitted to being one of Aaron's attackers. They had already pulled Aaron’s files from up north, not that there was a lot in there about the attack I don't think. Aaron had always refused to give an official statement but I was a little surprised that there was no mention of what he had shown them in January. The sergeant had made me a promise there would be no written record and I silently thank him that he had kept his word; however, the police are now pushing Aaron hard. He gives them some details like there was four of them, what they were wearing and how they acted, the tattoo and general stuff like that, but he still refuses to tell them what they did to him; getting more agitated the more they push, saying it won't help them and that he doesn't want to have to re-live it. I don't know if it will help or not, but I had promised him it would always be his choice who he tells and what.

Aaron is still stuck on why he hadn’t recognised Alex’s voice. The people who attacked him all had a northern everyday kind of accent, but Alex has a posh voice, sounding more like he comes from down south and that’s also the voice I had heard yesterday. I suppose we’ll find out when they arrest him. We are arguing a little because I’m worried about him being able to get to Aaron who is refusing point blank to go to a safe house. “He’d be stupid to try anything Robert; he’ll know that you told the police it was him and what he said.”

I’m getting exasperated with him, not helped by me being increasingly tired from the effort of talking, “You know, I don't think yesterday was even planned but the way he talked about you, he wants to hurt you Aaron. If you’d have heard him, you'd know. He’d try if he thinks he can get away with it and what about the others, if they think there's a chance they might be identified what's to stop them coming for you.”

"If he wants to hurt me that badly then why hasn't he come for me before now, that's what I don't get Robert." It goes quiet between us; Aaron gets up and stares out of the window into the corridor. Eventually he turns around, “So use me as bait.”

I look at him in horror, “What! No, no way; absolutely not.”

Aaron looks between me, Makins and Tolliver, “No-one knows Robert’s awake yet right?”

“Not officially, there are rumours though.”

“Tell the media he’s in a coma or something and that I rejected all protection. You can’t force me, so if Alex thinks Robert never woke up and no-one knows it was him then he might try something.”

It's clear from the look on his face that he's actually serious about this, “This is mad Aaron; this is not what I meant for you to do.”

A flash of defiance crosses Aaron’s face, “We've not been through everything in the last year just to become prisoners in our own home or in some hole where we can’t breathe or live. It has to end Robert; if not, like you said, Alex or his mates can come for us at any time.” He walks over to me and puts his hands on my face, “We've already spent months apart because of what happened and it's been hard but things are good now; I want us to live our life and we can only do that if they are all banged up.”

It feels like I can't convey enough to him how fraught with risk this is, “What if it goes wrong? Aaron I won’t lose you again, I told you.” My voice is almost desperate, I glance at Makins and Tolliver for support, but I can see in their eyes they might be considering this as an option and I’ll do anything to try and talk him out of it. I nod my head in their direction, “They don’t know what happened to you, but I do; Aaron you might not survive it a second time.”

“It won’t get that far; this time the police will be watching.”

“This is madness Aaron; this is a really bad idea.” I’m getting angry and frustrated, “He’s arrogant and cocky; he’s proved that by trying to kill me in a public place. I saw the look on his face and it scares the hell out of me what he's capable of.”

“Robert you said yourself, he wants to come for me, so let him come. There is no proof of what they did to me, the only way is to get him to admit it. He'll never admit it to the police but he will to me if he thinks it's safe. If he's that cocky he'll probably admit to trying to kill you.”

The doctor comes in and seeing how worked up I am puts an end to any further discussion, ordering both Aaron and the police out of the room which makes me angry as I try yelling after them. I’m so distressed by what Aaron is suggesting that I’m trying to get out of bed. In the end the doctor gives me a shot, knocking me out despite my best efforts to fight it.

.

It's the evening before Aaron comes to see me next, he’s on his own but I can see Makins and Tolliver hovering outside; I can tell by his face I’m not going to like it. This won’t work without me agreeing to it and I shake my head, upset with all of them. I want Alex and the others caught, but not at the expense of Aaron’s sanity or his life. I can't believe after everything he went through that he's willing to do this.

The plan is to move me to a private hospital closer to home, tell everyone I’ve lapsed into a coma having never regained consciousness after the operation. It seems like Aaron has already convinced the family to go along with this stupid plan. All Aaron has to do is live his life as normal the next few days and they watch and wait to see if Alex or the others come looking for him and tries anything. This is the bit that worries me. Aaron is still talking at me trying to convince me that it’s safe. I had switched off but I turn to look at him, listening to him trying to reason with me, “....., I mean he’s not trained for this shit is he, the police are.”

“He’s smart Aaron.”

“Robert, I know there’s a risk, but they won’t let me get hurt.”

Inside I'm screaming at him, don't be so fucking naive; instead what I actually say is much more controlled, “You can’t promise me that and neither can they.”

“I won’t go into a safe house Robert even if we don’t do this. I won’t live like that; I’d rather be dead.”

The tone in his voice scares me and I look at him alarmed, “You don’t mean that?”

There's an edge to Aaron I've never seen before, “Yes I do. If we want him caught and to admit everything, then it’s better to do it like this than having the threat of him coming for either of us at home or wherever; at least this way, the police will be waiting.” I can’t stop the tear rolling down my cheek and I shake my head. Aaron comes and sits on the side of my bed, “Just think, the sooner this is over, the sooner we’re married.” He’s biting his bottom lip and he looks so unbelievably gorgeous.

I scoff at him, “Don’t think charm or me wanting to marry you is going to get you anywhere in this. We can’t get married if you’re dead.” I turn my head away from him.

He turns me back to look at him, his fingers on my chin, “I love you and I'm not exactly jumping for joy about doing this, but if we don't, what then? Will you stop playing football? Do we stop seeing all our friends and family or go everywhere with a lot more security than we already have? Is that what you really want?”

“No.”

“Then let’s try it; if he doesn’t take the bait after a few days the police won't continue anyway and then we have to work out what to do without them.” I look at him; he knows he’s won and I’ve given in to him. I’m not happy, but I know he won’t change his mind and he’s right on one point; we can only begin to live a normal life if Alex and the others are in prison, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

.

Makins and Tolliver come in saying it’s all agreed with the doctors. The police will give the statement to the press and from now on as few people are allowed anywhere near us as possible. We just have to talk though the final details before they start making preparations for us to go up north tomorrow. The police also informed us that Alex looks to be awol so he isn't under any kind off surveillance which is making me decidedly nervous especially as they have decided to make Aaron look more vulnerable by removing Peter's team. I’m not happy about this either, but they all seem to be working against me at this point because apparently this was Peter's idea; it doesn’t seem I get much of a say in anything about any of this. It would be made known that he and Aaron had a falling out, but that the family had still kept him on to watch over me, indicating a rift in the family and making Aaron seem more isolated.

I look at Aaron sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering how he is staying so calm; especially considering until this weekend he wouldn't entertain talking to the police. I know he must be scared even if he isn't showing it on the outside. I think back to the day he first told me what had happened. He had cried most of the time whilst he talked but he had been completely calm and not wavered once in telling me what they had done to him; if anything when he did show any other emotion, his voice had been angry. I ask a question I hadn’t before but I’ve always been curious about; he can't have it all his own way. The others need to know what Alex is truly capable of to be able to protect Aaron, “What turned him on the most?” Aaron looks at me, surprised by the question and doesn’t answer, “Was it you or the power?”

Aaron hesitates, his eyes shifting nervously, knowing the others in the room are listening in, “Both. He was different to the rest of them, quieter but what he did was worse than with the other three; he enjoyed.....,” Aaron pauses, glancing across at the sergeants and Peter an instant before continuing; I think he realises he can't hide from them anymore what Alex did to him. “He wanted to enjoy it....., all of it." He stops to take a deep breath and I can already see in his face how recalling the memories is affecting him, "At first I didn’t think he was the ringleader, but it was clear in the end that he was. He took his time with me and the longer it went on the more he slowed everything down to make it last and when he got to the part where he really wanted to break me....., that was power. Before it was just humiliation and he wanted to hurt me. He definitely got off on it, from that and....., that and......" He stops unable to say the words out loud and struggling to continue; I grab hold of his hand, "But when he marked me it was something even more than having power over me; it was pure hate.” Aaron pulls away and goes to stand by the window, his arms wrapped around himself whilst staring out into the corridor with his back to us.

“He said he was impressed that you came home, he said he broke you, but he doesn't really know does he because you were unconscious and they had to leave. He thinks you can take a lot more than that day Aaron. If there’s no-one there to hold him back, he’ll destroy you completely; you know that right?”

Aaron turns round, tears welling in his eyes but he doesn't hesitate to answer, “Yes, I know.”

I look at him and the others in the room because they all need to understand the consequences if Aaron is left on his own with Alex and unable to fight back, “You don’t take any stupid risks, you promise me Aaron because I’ll never forgive myself or anyone in this room if he hurts you like that again and if he kills you, it will kill me too. So promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

“I promise.” I’m not sure I believe him, I know him too well, but this is as good as I’m going to get or can expect.

.

Aaron, Monday 22nd – Tuesday 23rd May

Robert had been flown up north and then transferred to the private hospital. After getting him settled in I went home but it feels funny being at Home Farm on my own so I go to the scrap yard for a couple of hours to help pass the time before visiting Robert later. I didn’t stay too long at the hospital because he was still quite grumpy and upset with me for doing this but I think he’s just afraid of what could go wrong. By Tuesday the press had mostly disappeared, having moved on to other stories taking over in the news and life is beginning to settle down to a weird kind of normal.

At home, only Peter, me and Robert know about the real reason for not making it public that Robert is awake. The few people in the family who know think it’s to help keep him safe whilst the police try and work out who was responsible. I know the police are watching me closely but I have no idea where they are. Part of me likes the freedom of not having people constantly around but the other part is definitely more than a little bit afraid because Robert was right about one thing; if Alex does take the bait and I’m on my own with him without any backup, he’ll make me suffer. They have trackers on me, the car and the scrap yard truck and I have a microphone in my coat and another woven into the belt of my jeans so they can hear everything. The plan is to get him to admit to both attacking me and trying to kill Robert and then hope that afterwards he'll lead them to finding the other three. I’m not allowed to say anything to force it, otherwise it gets grey legally for entrapment but as long as I act normal and I don’t put words in his mouth if he starts talking then he’ll get put away for a very long time. The police wanted to interview me and get a full statement about what happened at Butler's but I said I couldn't, not yet, I think I can only face it after he's arrested.

It's actually relaxing being at work with Adam; the physical work and Adam’s banter helps. Wednesday, I’ll be on my own all day because he’d promised to take Vic out for the day to help take her mind off everything. Cain not being in the know insists on coming around every hour to check I’m okay but I flipped out at him and he’s backed off since then.

.

Aaron, Wednesday 24th May

I’m having a cup of tea sat in the battered sun chair outside the porta cabin when the police come round. Standard chat as far as anyone can see with Robert still being in the coma and the investigation ongoing but it's really more to make sure I’m okay. They don’t stay long and I answer the phone as I watch them leave; some guy is wanting a quote for a farm clearance and I agree to meet him up there at one-ish. I take a look on the map; it’s about twenty miles from here. I make sure it’s marked up in the log book and that I repeat it so everyone listening knows what and where. We get quite a few house clearances along with the odd farm so there’s nothing unusual about it, but looking at the map this one’s a little more remote than some.

I eat my butties early and then drive off up to the farm. On the way I get a phone call from the police which sets me completely on edge; more than I thought I would be considering I seem to have been quite calm so far. The farm name is one that has carried through the years, like with many farms; but records show it was owned by Alex’s grandfather on his mum’s side. It's now owned by Alex and his half-brother; I’d never have known he came from round these parts. More importantly, I can't believe that Alex actually took the bait.

.

It was agreed with the police that I’d turn up a little late, because if I was there first and saw Alex coming then my natural instinct would be to leave. This way he can think he’s luring me in, the police have already sent someone in to check the place over; it’s not been used as a working farm for years apparently.

I drive up the long dirt track and get out, taking a look around. The police said they would be really close, but if they are I can't see them. There’s an Audi parked up so I presume Alex is here already but there’s no sign of him either. I knock on the farmhouse door and stand back a little waiting for someone to answer, but there’s no sign of any movement. I debate what to do; the police had said to try not to over think it, just do what I would normally do so I go wandering around the yard and outhouses yelling out ‘Mr Charlesworth are you there?’ as I go, which is the name he had given when setting up the appointment.

I wander into the barn, “Hello little lamb.”

I turn round looking back towards the barn door; the shock on my face is real at hearing his voice. It’s the same voice from the day at Butler’s. I’m tense and looking around to work out potential escape routes before looking back to him, “Change your name Alex?”

“Didn’t think you would have come if you’d cottoned on it was me.”

“Well you’d be right there.” I keep quiet, waiting for him to fill the silence. He’s holding a shotgun down by his side and I can’t say I’m surprised but it’s running through my head if the police know he has it. He pulls it up and points it at me. “You going to shoot me Alex?”

“Where’s the fun in that ey? On your knees little lamb.” I do as I’m told, “That’s it, you remember how this works; hands on your head please, where I can see them.” I follow his instructions and wait.

.

He looks so composed and calm, leaning against the barn door, “How’s that boyfriend of yours doing?”

“Well he doesn’t talk back when he’s in a coma.”

“Mmmh, funny, I always liked that about you; that feisty edge you have.” He’s smiling at me, “Are you not going to ask then?”

“What?”

“You must have questions rolling around in that little brain of yours.”

I have lots; I’m just not sure on the right one to ask that doesn’t sound like I’m setting him up. “What’s the point? I know who you are, that’s not going to change anything is it?”

“Probably not little lamb, probably not.” He pulls away from the door and comes closer to me, but still at a safe distance, “So what do you think I’d get for clearing this place?”

“I don’t know; I’d have to look around properly.”

“We can do that. I’m sure I can find something special in each room to share with you, enhance the experience so to speak.” I let out a deep breath, the words in themselves are not menacing but how he says them and the look in his eye scares the shit out of me. I don’t need to fake the fear; it’s coming off me in waves.

He starts circling round me and I relax as much as I can, waiting for the blow or kick, but it doesn’t come. I resist the urge to turn around and I don’t have to wait long as he comes up behind me. I feel the stab of the shotgun against my neck, he slowly pushes it around my head, using it to knock my arms down before returning the muzzle back against my neck; I'm tense, uncertain what he's intending to do next. The one thing I'm sure of is that he's not going to kill me quickly; I soon find out as he slides a noose over my head, pulling on the rope which he'd slung over one of the beams above me, first forcing me to stand up but he keeps going until I’m almost lifted off the ground. Gasping for air, my hands involuntarily move to grab at the rope around my neck until he releases me down a little but not quite so far that I can put my feet properly on the ground and I see him tie the rope off holding me like this. I wonder how far I’m prepared to let him go before giving the signal I had agreed with the police for them to intervene; we’d talked about this, but talking and being here at his mercy are two completely different things. Although the police should be able to hear, I don't know if they can see us; the one thing I do know is it’ll take a lot more than this for me to give into him and call for help.

.

Now that I can't go anywhere, he's put the shotgun down and starts to run his hands over my body. I kick out at him which earns me a hard punch in my lower back and then again in my right side so I’m fighting for breath, my fingers grasping at the rope tight around my neck, but moving just makes it worse. The pressure only eases when I become still and I let my arms fall to my side. He is laughing at me, amused, “You’re just like that boyfriend of yours.”

I glare at him defiantly ignoring the pain in my body, “How’s that?”

“You find it hard to accept your fate.” My eyes are darting around me, my fear beginning to take over as he comes close to me and I start to struggle again, pulling at the rope with my hands. I can smell his breath against my face as he drags my hands down from my neck whilst staring at me steadily, smiling; I stop moving completely, giving him what he wants, “That’s it, you're learning little lamb. You came back when I told you not to, very brave." His eyes pierce into mine, "What, you didn’t think I meant it when I said I’d kill you? Just think, I don't have a reason to stop this time, no interruptions; we have all the time in the world. I told him....., Robert I mean....., I told him that I’d enjoy breaking you all over again. He said I didn’t break you last time, but I think I did; you only stopped screaming when you fell unconscious from the pain. No-one’s going to hear you Aaron, this place hasn’t been used for years; it’s just you and me now, just think how much fun we’re going to have together.”

.

He takes off my coat and throws it on the ground nearby, his hands once more roaming over my body and then he starts to undo my belt. He unzips my jeans and his hand reaches down inside, rubbing up and down my shaft. I close my eyes scared and sickened by how it’s responding to him. I need to try and distract him, “I can’t believe I didn’t recognise your voice? You sound nothing like when I first met you.”

His hand doesn't stop as he answers, “Life’s like a film or a play; we're just playing a part depending on the script. Sometimes you get the perfect Oxford educated me and sometimes you get the me that grew up in the grimy northern backstreets with a drunk for a father and a mother that was a waste of space. What can I say; I pulled myself out of the gutter all by myself only for all that hard work to be taken away from me by a two-bit greasy mechanic from a backward village in the middle of nowhere.”

“You’ll never get away with it.”

“But I already have little lamb; I already have.”

He pulls my t-shirt up over my head, letting it hang down my back and his fingers start drifting over my front, making me flinch as he touches my bare skin but I resist the urge to kick out again. His breathing is changing as he moves his hands over my stomach, his eyes drinking in my scars, “So beautiful, your body is so very beautiful and the damage is part of what makes you even more desirable to break. You already know how to take so much pain; you added your own brand I see. You’re stronger than I ever thought; how much can you take Aaron? How much do I have to hurt you before you break so completely that you’ll never come back from it?” His hand moves back down over my crotch and he starts stroking me again, his other moving over his own crotch rubbing himself through his trousers.

“For someone who says he doesn’t have a thing for men, you certainly like to play.” He grabs my balls and pulls tightly until my eyes are watering with the pain and I have to close my eyes as he pulls harder at such an angle that he's lifting me off the ground causing the rope around my neck to almost strangle me.

“Look at me little lamb.” I open my eyes and glare at him, “You will learn and you will break.”

He releases me down and I suck in as much air as I can into my lungs. “You can do what you like but you won’t break me, not ever.”

“Mmhh, I can but try. You know killing Robert wasn’t ever in my mind, but I’m never one to look a gift horse in the mouth and it was so easy. You should have seen his face when the knife went into him; he knew he was going to die. I’m almost pleased he didn’t in the end because when I’ve finished with you and slaughtered you like the little lamb you are, I’ll bide my time and with a bit of luck, he’ll wake up from that coma of his and then I’ll tell him just how much fun we had. He thought it was all about him, but it was always you little lamb; killing him won’t be half as much fun as killing you, though I’ll enjoy seeing the look in his eyes when I describe to him how I made you scream and you will little lamb, you will scream.” His smile is cruel as he walks behind me; I hear him take in a sharp intake of breath as his fingers move across the branded letters on my back and a first tear falls down my cheek, “Shall we begin?”

.

The noise after this is deafening but I’m hardly registering it as the police storm into the barn. I don’t see that Alex tries to come for me and is held back, cuffed by armed officers; nor do I see the knife they take from him that still has Robert’s blood on it. I fall to the ground, the tension around my neck released as they cut the rope holding me up and I feel hands catch me as my knees give way. I close my eyes, almost blacking out; I don’t know if it was the relief of him having pretty much admitting to everything and being arrested or from the rope being removed from my neck, maybe both. Paramedics are by my side, talking to me and asking me questions, but I don’t need them; I need to be with Robert and I push their hands away from me. I hear the familiar voice of Peter; he wraps me in a blanket and holds me but all I feel is a numbness as I cling onto him, “I want to see Robert, will you take me to him; I need to see him.”

“Aaron they need to take your clothes and stuff; they need to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine, they can do all that here, I need to see him Peter; please I really need to be with him.”

.

I hardly let go of Peter as I let them photograph the marks around my neck from the rope and take my clothes as evidence. Peter had come prepared and pretty much dresses me like you would a distracted child. I allow myself to be bundled into the back of a police car, but it’s only when Peter leaves me alone with Robert at the hospital that I let go completely; releasing all the different emotions that I've been bottling up inside me for over a year.

Robert holds me as I weep uncontrollably; I don’t even try to stop the tears as Robert shushes me, his hand gently stroking through my hair. I don’t know how to feel about any of what just happened or what's to come; all I want right now is to be here, feeling safe in Robert’s arms.

Eventually the police get me to go with them to the station to make a formal statement. It takes hours to go through everything; letting them take pictures of my back and scars, going over everything from last March until today. I'm completely exhausted when it's finished; I feel unclean after talking about everything in so much detail. I have a shower at Home Farm and then Peter takes me back to Robert at the hospital where I could stay overnight with him; supposedly in my own bed but I sleep alongside him and no-one attempts to move me.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure Aaron would be allowed to do this in real life, especially in the UK; however, as it’s my story I get to write it as I want. I think they would let a civilian be the bait but only in so far as to arrest Alex and not let Aaron be put at any further risk. It's not so easy to check up on, so just go with the flow.


	45. You Keep On Loving Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie is mascot at the Scotland-England game whilst Aaron and Robert make decisions about the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably don’t say thank you enough for all the kudos and encouraging comments. The comments are great as sometimes they give me ideas or correct me, but together with the kudos they are really motivating especially when I’m struggling and need time to move an idea forward. This story went much darker than I ever intended, sorry, but I think most of you stuck along with me for the ride, despite me frustrating the hell out of you sometimes. So I just want to say a **Huge Thank You** to everyone for reading. I hope in the end it was all worthwhile and as I keep saying, despite my twisted imagination, I’m a romantic at heart, so there will always be a happy ending of one sort or another.  
>  (Chapter title taken from song on Will Young album: 85% Proof)

Aaron, Saturday 10th June

Meg and Sean had left reluctantly to go up-to their seats after Jamie is finally changed and ready, Meg worrying because he is looking white as a sheet again. He's been constantly switching between super excited to super anxious ever since we arrived at the stadium, “Are you sure you’re okay Jamie? You don’t look too good.” He nods, giving me a shy smile; he’s clearly overwhelmed by the whole experience and hasn’t let go of my hand once. He’s not used to being in big crowds and having so many people around him; I forget how isolated living at the garage can be at times and it is more than a bit daunting walking out before an Scotland England game with thousands of people watching even for someone who is used to it like Robert.

I see Robert coming towards us, he looks a little uncomfortable in his suit; this is the first week that he has been walking around unaided and it tires him out really quickly. He sees how nervous Jamie is and to be honest Robert looks almost as nervous as he grabs Jamie’s free hand. Jamie holds onto him for dear life, “You won’t let go will you Robert?”

Robert smiles at Jamie and I see him relax a little now he's got Robert with him, “I was going to say the same to you.”

I smile at them both as Robert leads Jamie away down to the front of the tunnel. Jamie is looking back at me not really wanting to leave me behind, “I’ll be here don’t worry.” The amusing thing is I get the same look from Robert; I don’t actually know which one of them is worse. Robert would never have admitted it but I can see he is really quite nervous. This is the first time he’s been out in public since Wembley and he isn’t really sure what kind of reaction he will get, but he’d promised Jamie so he’s walking out together with the teams. The England captain is there with them even though he won’t be able to play.

At first I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to even come to the game, but watching them both walk out onto the pitch I know it was the right decision. It’s going to be another few weeks before Robert recovers fully, but according to the surgeon he is healing quicker than expected. He won’t be able to start training as normal but he should be okay for the new season as long as he behaves himself and doesn’t over-do it. Apparently, according to Martin, that’s my job but I’m not sure I have that much influence over Robert sometimes as I’ve already caught him doing things he shouldn’t and then I’m just as bad because we shouldn’t even really be having as much sex as we are. I catch myself smiling at this thought; we’ve gotten quite inventive on positions to ensure we don’t hurt him or stop his wounds healing, it’s become our favourite pastime and the sex has definitely still been good. I shake these thoughts out of my head as I walk out with some of the staff, watching from the side-lines as the national anthems start to play and wonder whether Robert was really serious when he said he was thinking about retiring.

Robert had insisted I have the same security as him today, wanting to be near me all the time. I look back up into the crowd to see if I can see Meg and Sean but I don’t find them. I know Meg will be crying, this had been Jamie’s dream and she’s probably not going to be the only one as I watch the two most important people in my life standing on the pitch, there’s definitely a little tear in the corner of my eye. I grin at the pair of them, they are as bad as each other; they both keep giving me a quick look to make sure I am here watching.

.

Robert, Saturday 10th June

Aaron gets a big hug from Jamie, now on a high as we leave the pitch and a kiss from me, making him blush before we take Jamie to get changed and then go upstairs to watch the game.

It’s been a weird couple of weeks, we’ve both been fragile in different ways which has made us needy and wanting to be permanently close. He had finally told me everything that had happened with Alex and I couldn't help getting really upset with him that it had got that far. Aaron had been clear though that it had been his decision; he had been in control of alerting the police that they needed to intervene and he hadn’t so they waited until they had the confession and everything they needed from Alex to stand up in court. It will put him away for a very long time and I love Aaron for doing that, but I hate that he put himself through it all.

The police charged Alex and discovered he had a kind of double life. Alex Lazenby the Oxford educated stuck up confident sports and media agent, a self-made success story and then the Lancashire lad from a broken home with close ties to several underground far right groups; it looks like he was involved in all kinds of shady activities.

Following on from his arrest the police also found the three others who had been at Butler's that day, one of whom is Alex’s half-brother which is why Aaron felt the connection between them. They found photos and a video in Alex’s flat of Aaron in the lambing shed. There was nothing of them actually torturing him, it was all afterwards when he was unconscious; but they had their masks removed, clearly identifying them. It made me feel sick when I saw it and how badly Aaron was hurt. Aaron is refusing to watch it saying it was bad enough giving a statement, but it will be shown in court if it goes to trial. Alex had seemingly been watching Aaron on and off since he came home, they found other recordings and photos of him, twisted notes about how he wanted to hurt him so it seems Alex had just been biding his time and would eventually have made a move on him sooner or later.

.

"It was okay, hey?" We’re snuggling close together under the duvet in the loft, Aaron resting against me.

I smile at him, “You mean the sex or the day?”

“I know the sex was more than okay by the sounds coming out of your mouth Mr Sugden, I meant the day.”

I grin at him, “Yeah it was okay.”

“So have you decided?”

Aaron knows me too well and he can tell something has shifted in me since the game, “Yeah, I want to keep playing; I want to see if I can stay good enough to play in the world cup next year and then I’ll retire after. Are you okay with that?”

“I’m happy if you are. Just remember this was your decision when you come home knackered or after having the shit kicked out of you after a bad game.”

I kiss his head, “Well I’ll just have to make sure I play smarter; make the younger ones do all the running.” Aaron wraps his leg over me whilst pressing his head into the crook of my neck, his fingers gently stroking the other side of my neck which I love, “What about you? Have you decided if you're going to the trial?”

“No, not yet.”

“Maybe it will help.”

“Maybe, let’s just go on holiday to Isa’s next week like we said; I just want to concentrate on us okay?”

“Okay, and are you going to tell me the other thing you’ve been hiding? I know you and Meg are up-to something.”

“Go to sleep Robert.”

“Spoilsport.”

“Yep.”

.

Aaron, Sunday 11th June

Robert looks fit to burst; it's not often he allows himself the luxury of a full fry-up, “Meg that was the best breakfast I have ever had. I’m moving up here, or maybe you could all move in with us.”

I look at Robert because he sounds half serious, but thankfully Meg is giving him her humouring look. She glances at me conspiratorially and I can’t help grinning, letting out a laugh making Robert look between us, “What? What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.”

“You two are always thick as thieves up-to no good when you are together. Don’t think I haven’t noticed all these whispered conversations going on since we got here.”

I smile at Robert’s pouting, he so hates it when he thinks he is missing out on something, “Don’t know what you mean.”

“Liar."

He gives us a look of mock despair whilst we just both smile at him; he'll find out soon enough, “I thought we were going for a walk?”

I get up, putting my plate and mug in the dishwasher, “You need to go have a shower first remember.”

“You saying I smell?”

I bend down whispering in his ear, “Yes, you smell of my sex.” Robert blushes, embarrassed in case Meg had heard and quickly makes his excuses whilst I tell him I’ve promised to do something for Sean in the workshop.

.

Robert, Sunday 11th June

“Right, where are we off then?”

I look into the kitchen but there’s no-one there and stick my head round the door of the lounge, still no-one. I walk out to the workshop which looks quiet and am about to go up-to the loft when I see something stuck onto the door with my name on it. I pull it off and seeing it is an envelope I pull a face whilst opening it, not knowing what to expect. Inside is the note I had written Aaron when I left him the key. I read it smiling to myself, ‘Thought it’s about time you have your own key. It’s the key to my door, the key to my heart and the key to me.' I can’t believe he even kept the note; I remembering writing it and worrying if it had been too soon. There is another note in the envelope, it has a tag on it where he’s spray painted over the key leaving the shape clearly visible and he’s written underneath it, “Now you hold the key to me; follow it and find me.”

I look around, trying to work out what he means until I look back at the door where the envelope had been stuck and there’s the same tag of the key. I open the door, walk outside and see another sprayed onto the ground. I look around once more, but I don’t see anyone; in fact it’s eerily quiet or maybe it’s just me being paranoid.

I follow the tag marks on the tarmac and it’s soon clear where he is leading me; I should have known. I see him walking up and down on top of the wall of the bridge, his arms out to the side as he messes around. I can’t help myself, even when he looks relaxed like now; it worries me when I see him up there.

.

He sees me coming and stands still, watching me as I step up onto the wall and walk towards him; he’s grinning at me like a big kid, “You found me then?”

I give him a withering stare but I can’t hold it as it turns into a begrudging smile, “Always. You know you could have just told me to meet you here, instead of giving me a heart attack seeing you up here.” He kisses me, preventing me from saying anything else and I’m kissing him back. We stop before the intensity gets too much and I glance nervously down into the water below.

“Does it scare you?”

I look at him, not sure what is going on in his head, “Should it?”

He shakes his head, “No.” I watch him quietly as he sits down and he holds my hand to steady me as I sit next to him, grimacing a little from the pain. Our legs are dangling down against the highland stone as we watch the water rush beneath us. ”I have something for you.”

“Okay.”

“You might not like it.”

I look at him curiously, “Well I won’t know until you give it to me.”

“I wanted to do it here, close one door, open another kind of thing; it just seems kind of right after everything.” I’m not used to Aaron being cryptic but I wait for him to continue, instead he hands me a box. I open it and see two rings, “They’re made out of the key, I know it’s not like a precious metal or anything, but it meant more to me than anything else I’ve ever owned. All the time I was gone it was a way to have you with me, you were always close to my heart; even when I came home I still wore it round my neck.” I take one out of the box, the band is plain and smooth, but on the inside there is the word ‘Soulmates’ engraved with a key and a heart stamped next to it. “I won’t ever leave you again Robert, not ever.” I can’t take my eyes away from him and I’m about to say something but he stops me, putting his fingers to my mouth, “I want to be your husband, I want to be with you for the rest of our lives if you think you can put up with me.”

I laugh, “You daft apeth, you know I want to be with you; I asked you remember.” I look at the ring and then back to Aaron, “It's beautiful. Can I try it on?”

He nods, “Wait, this other one’s yours.” He slides it onto my finger and it fits, he has a glint in his eye and I look at him questioningly, “I measured whilst you were sleeping.”

I lean across to kiss him and this time he doesn’t stop me; I have to be careful not to drop the box as we get a little carried away, the feeling of his lips against mine and the taste of his mouth are irresistible. I rest my head against his with our noses almost side by side, both a little out of breath, “I love you Aaron; I will always love you.”

I take the other ring that I'd been holding and look again at the word that symbolises everything about us; I take his hand and slide it onto his finger, my eyes never leaving his, “Husband, I like that.” I look at the ring on his finger, “It looks good on you.” He’s about to say something, but it’s my turn to shush him, “Aaron I know you don’t like all the fuss of a wedding; if you don’t want to do the whole marriage thing, that’s okay. I don’t need a piece of paper or anything else, all I need is you so if today is all we ever have, it means everything to me, just like you do. As far as I’m concerned we are already husbands.” Neither of us hold back as our lips crush together once more with an intensity as strong as if it was the first time.

.

Eventually we manage to hold ourselves away from each other and we slowly make our way back to the garage. We are still wearing our rings and I don't think they'll be coming off any time soon. Aaron looks at me mischievously, “I was going to have them engraved with ‘too hot to handle’ but decided you might not see the funny side of it.”

I smirk at him, “Probably not…., the word idiot might have sprung to mind.”

“I’m a lovable idiot though.”

“If you say so.”

Meg can’t stop grinning at us when we get back and it was clear she was in on it, but she was the only one as she kissed me on the cheek quietly saying “Welcome to the family.”

Sean and Jamie were oblivious and carried on without ever noticing the rings on our fingers. I find myself smiling at Aaron, at all the little things he does and says the rest of the day. I can’t imagine being without him and I know he feels the same.

.

Aaron, Saturday 19th August

Robert is looking at me intently, “Are you sure Aaron, absolutely sure you want to do this?”

I look at him a little surprised he’s asking this now of all time’s to pick, “You’re joking right?”

He looks at me a little contritely, “I just need to know this is still what you want; you don’t exactly like being in the spotlight do you.”

I kiss him before telling him off gently, “Firstly, this was my idea….; admittedly I was drunk at the time, but with everything that got put on display at the trial and in the papers last week after their sentencing, believe me, this is a breeze after all that.”

Martin walks over, “All set?”

He looks between us, sensing he’s walked into the middle of something, “Yes, it’s fine. Robert’s nervous.”

I realise he is actually very nervous; I didn’t expect him to be the nervous one, “I have butterflies, they won't go away.”

Martin looks at him just as surprised as me, “Robert Sugden with butterflies, there’s a first.” He tries to be more serious, seeing the look on Robert’s face, “First game back after everything, it’s bound to be a little weird.”

“Exactly.” Robert turns to me smiling shyly, Martin is already heading into the dressing rooms for the last pre-match talk; before following him and after taking a quick look round that we don’t have an audience, he kisses me, “You look gorgeous Aaron." After kissing me again he continues, "I’ve wanted this since I first set eyes on you.”

I can’t help blushing, smiling a little embarrassed. I kiss him, my fingers lingering on his cheek, “I’ll see you after the game.” He smiles back at me, he likes it when he makes me blush like that, I catch Robert’s arm before he leaves, “I love you.”

He throws me a last boyish grin before heading through the doors and I go up-to my seat in the stands.

.

United Stadium, Saturday 19th August – 4.25 pm

Commentator 1: “Robert Sugden leaves the pitch with twenty minutes to go, warm applause ringing out throughout the stadium.”

Commentator 2: “That’s nice to see; he’s had a good first game back, but he looks tired which is unsurprising, not having been able to train as normal during the close season.”

Commentator 1: “I was talking with him prior to the game and he said his recovery went better than expected and he wanted his first game to be here at home. He made it count whilst on the pitch; when he's playing it always seems to take United up a notch.”

Commentator 2: “That’s for sure, his opposite number won’t forget today in a hurry after being wrong-footed so cleverly allowing Sugden to get onto the score sheet.”

Commentator 1: “It’s what makes you glad he’s sticking around for a while to come and he was saying how much he’s looking forward to the new season. There was a lot of concern that he was thinking of retiring and no-one would have blamed him, but he’s confirmed that he’s hoping to play at this level at least until after the world cup next year. You can tell how much he still loves the game just by watching him on the pitch today and England will need him if they want to improve on their performance in the Euros.”

.

United Stadium, Saturday 19th August – 4.47 pm

Commentator 2: “And the final whistle goes, with United’s second win of the season notched up."

_Will Young - 'You Keep On Loving Me' starts playing in the background_

Commentator 1: “Robert Sugden has re-appeared and is walking back towards the dugout, looking very smart if I do say so.“

Commentator 2: “He’ll be happy to see the team with their first home win under the belt. The home crowd will also be pleased with their team's performance and glad their captain is doing so well so soon. We’ll see if we can’t bring you some thoughts from the touch-line if we can get hold of him or some of the other players; though there are an unusual amount of stewards around the perimeter today, it looks a bit crowded. In the meantime we will return you to the studio.”

Commentator 1: “Hold that thought, because I have to say this is a little different. Instead of returning you to the studio, I think we’ll just hang around to see what’s happening.”

Commentator 2: “Ladies and gentleman, we do indeed find ourselves witnessing a rather unusual end to the game today, with the United players staying on the pitch, placing themselves around the centre circle and are now being joined by partners, some folks that we recognise but many that we don’t.”

Commentator 1: “Whatever it is, it’s planned; the security is remaining tight round the perimeter much longer than normal. Many spectators are leaving for home, but plenty are watching on and not being pushed to go; even quite a few players from the opposition team are loitering, now off the field of play but watching from the touchline seemingly as intrigued as the rest of us.”

Commentator 2: “Hhmm, look at that; it’s not so often you see the referee swap his whistle for a dog collar. Let me quickly add to that before we get inundated with calls; our referee today is a minister in his day-job. Having put his clerical collar and robes on over his referee's uniform he is returning to the centre of the pitch, this is definitely unexpected.”

Commentator 1: “Look over at the other side, walking down to the pitch. You don't think.....?”

Commentator 2: “Well in all my years as a football commentator I didn't think I'd be giving David Dimbelby a run for his money. I have seen some rather unique happenings along the way, but this is the first time where I do believe we are about to witness a marriage.”

Commentator 1: “Robert Sugden is walking down the half-way line from the dug-out, Martin Taylor along-side him and Aaron Livesy with a young boy, who I believe he knows from his time living in Scotland now walking from the opposite side."

Commentator 2: “Wow…., I think I’m almost speechless.”

Commentator 1: “The pair are nearing the centre spot and I have to say there had been rumours that they were already married with both having been seen to be wearing rings but both of them and their families had denied that they were officially married.”

Commentator 2: “That apparently is about to change in the most lovely way.”

Commentator 1: “Absolutely, I am a romantic at heart, at least according to my wife and what a way to tie the knot.”

Commentator 2: “Robert Sugden and Aaron Livesy are now standing together, holding hands in the middle of the United Stadium on this most glorious of summer evenings. We're just waiting for the music to finish as the referee or should I say minister is clipping on a microphone. Well it's looking like kick-off time take-two."

*****

Referee/Minister: "We are gathered here today, with a world of friends and family to witness the marriage of Aaron Livesy and Robert Sugden. God has given us marriage so that they may live faithfully together, in plenty or in need, in sorrow or in joy, that they give each other strength, friendship and healing. With delight and tenderness they may know each other in love and so belong to one another in honour and in joy. In marriage they may begin a new life together. They are a sign to the world of unity and loyalty; their love enriches society and strengthens community. It is both joy and demand, grace and work, it is a gift and is not to be entered into lightly or thoughtlessly. They come to accept each other freely, to give their consent to one another in solemn promises, and to ask for God’s blessing."

"Due notice of the intention of Aaron and Robert to be married has been given amongst friends and family and no objection has been made. I ask you, Aaron and Robert, to declare that you know of no reason in law that you may not be married."

"I declare that I know of no legal reason why I, Aaron Livesy may not be joined in marriage to Robert Sugden."

"I declare that I know of no legal reason why I, Robert Sugden, may not be joined in marriage to Aaron Livesy."

"Aaron Livesy will you take Robert Sugden to be your husband, will you love, comfort, honour and protect him, in times of prosperity and health and in times of trouble and suffering? And will you be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

"I will."

"Robert Sugden will you take Aaron Livesy to be your husband, will you love, comfort, honour and protect him, in times of prosperity and health and in times of trouble and suffering? And will you be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

"I will."

"Will you, the families and friends of Aaron and Robert, give your blessing to their marriage and will you always support and encourage them?"

"We will."

"You have written your own words, combining the vows and exchange of rings." The referee nods for them to go ahead. Aaron and Robert turn to each other, half sliding the rings onto each other's wedding finger; their eyes never leave the other the whole time:

"I Aaron Livesy take you Robert Sugden to be my wedded husband"  
"I Robert Sugden take you Aaron Livesy to be my wedded husband"  
A:  "We exchange these rings as a symbol of our unity"  
R:  "Two lives joined as one, forever unbroken"  
A:  "Wherever we are and no matter how far apart"  
R:  "We will remain forever bound together by a stubborn heart"  
A:  "We won’t ever give up on each other"  
R:  "Even when we screw up"  
A:  "No hiding, no secrets"  
R:  "To be patient no matter how difficult"  
A:  "I will never leave you; you will always be my shelter"  
R:  "I won’t ever let you push me away; my arms will always be your home"  
A:  "We promise to love without condition, a lifetime commitment"  
R:  "To share our love and stay strong, no matter what tries to shake us"  
A:  "To make each other laugh and give comfort if we cry"  
R:  "We will choose every day to make this marriage the best it can ever be"  
A:  "Robert Sugden, you are my soulmate, with this ring you have my promise of love and I give you my heart" Aaron pushes the ring all the way onto Robert's finger.  
R:  "Aaron Livesy, you are my soulmate, with this ring you have my promise of love and you shall not walk alone" Robert pushes the ring all the way onto Aaron's finger.

"Most gracious God, we give you thanks that Aaron and Robert have answered your call and have given themselves today to one another in the covenant of marriage. Pour out the fullness of your blessing on them. Lead them into that love which never comes to an end. Aaron and Robert have made promises to one another, have exchanged solemn vows and have symbolised their marriage today by joining hands and by the giving and receiving of rings. I therefore declare them to be husbands, in the name of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Those whom God has joined together, let no one separate."

"You may kiss." Robert and Aaron aren't waiting for permission, as their friends and family watch on amused seeing them already kissing tenderly, not for too long considering the number of people of watching, but they never did just do a peck on the cheek much. They are grinning, turning round as husbands for the first time to see and hear everyone around them clapping and cheering; it feels to both of them a bit like winning the world cup, but better.

*****

Commentator 1: "Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen and this time we will return you to the studio. On that note, we wish them both all the happiness in the world. I'll bet you weren’t expecting that when you switched on your telly for the football results."

Commentator 2: “It's a funny old game, life, love and football.....”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> David Dimbelby is the commentator at Royal Weddings for the BBC.
> 
> In the UK a marriage can be undertaken by a minister anywhere as long as it’s solemnised by a minister, pastor, priest or other person entitled to do so. I took the marriage ceremony from the UK United Reformed text but slimmed it down quite a lot and although it is primarily the religious ceremony I made it a bit more neutral. I ummed and ahhed whether to include the actual marriage, but decided it didn't feel right without it.
> 
> Will Young - "You Keep On Loving Me"  
> This was playing on my ipod over and over on the flight back from holiday in India last year as I decided this is how I wanted to end the story. I must have looked a right idiot, grinning to myself imagining it play out in my head.
> 
> I only look at you  
> You only at me  
> And though I make mistakes  
> You still hold my hand  
> Tell me that you care  
> And you understand  
> Every time that the sun goes down  
> Every time that you say goodnight  
> Every time that I feel that it’s wrong  
> Then you prove that it’ll be alright  
> And you say that you mean it  
> And I know its true  
> And it’s amazing knowing you keep on loving me
> 
> You keep on loving me  
> You keep on loving me  
> You keep on loving me
> 
> Through every waking hour  
> Every rainy day  
> I wanna stand by you  
> I know it’s so uncool  
> And you really care and you understand  
> Every time that the sun goes down  
> Every time that you say goodnight  
> Every time that I feel that it’s wrong  
> Then you prove that it’ll be alright  
> And you say that you mean it  
> And I know its true  
> And it’s amazing knowing you keep on loving me
> 
> I was so close to you  
> And now I sing about the truth  
> Like sailors coming home  
> We feel our feet on dry land  
> You wear stripy shirts  
> And birds are singing to our song  
> It changes everyday  
> And still we carry on
> 
> Every time that the sun goes down  
> Every time that you say goodnight  
> Every time that I feel that it’s wrong  
> Then you prove that it’ll be alright  
> And you say that you mean it  
> And I know its true  
> And it’s amazing knowing you keep on loving me
> 
> You keep on loving me  
> You keep on loving me
> 
> And I say that you mean it  
> And I know it’s true  
> And it’s amazing knowing you keep on loving  
> You keep on loving  
> You keep on loving me


End file.
